to be....

truly THANKFUL for what and whom you have in your life takes more than just one day a year, one day where you gather with your family & friends you have perhaps not seen since the last get-together, food feast or holiday that included a lot of hustle and bustle.

what happens the other 364 days of the year?  what happens when we travel a road less then desired by those who seem to always try and point us in the right direction?  what happens when you take the whindy road, one the causes you to travel at a pace that is a little, ok, a LOT slower than what we desire as we try to move along as fast as we can....for what?  the next big adventure, the next disrespectful encounter that seems to be mowed over so one does not have to admit "sole" responsibility?  at what point does it even matter anymore?  when do you take a firm stance and choose to shut out those who you want in your life but they apparently don't want to be there by their very selfish actions?   

as I write this from my heart, as I live this in my life and as I pray so hard it would/could & should be different, I can't make it happen!!  I will continue TO BE the person I am, the person I know who cares and the person I know makes a difference in everyone's life she comes in contact with.  It will be up to others to realize and want such a person TO BE in their lives.

if I die tommorrow, YOU WILL be the one with regret's not me if at all, for the way I have given and for the way you have taken and not received..


but mom......

..."I have to wear a red shirt today to school cux the fast bike is R E D red {as he spells it out}" as he is searching for a book to also take to school.  I question him on why he needs to take a book to school and his reply was "cuz miss valerie will read me the book and my cwass and den I get to be da line weader mama and be the first one on the 'fast bike' mama!" 

I wish I could remember when life was as simple as being the line leader, the first one on the play ground getting my pick of the 'fast bike' or dare say wish I was living with the simplicity of his young, untainted imagination!!

Oh to be YOUNG again....


a mom's job....

is NEVER done...

from a dear friends message, I quote "my little man is finally asleep. Thank god for the lullaby of the rain tonight. All you moms out there know what I mean when I say this, I wish I could absorb all the things that affect my kids in a negative way.... The colds, the boo boos, the fears, stress and pain. Just take it all on my shoulders and let them live a perfectly beautiful life"
this is also in the past week, this one while at work, in he middle of screaming at someone "are you stabbed or shot sir" what is your emergency? I hear a subtle "are you o.k. baby, what is wrong? I know, mama will see you in the morning...You want to go buy a surprise after I come get you? o.k. love you too, sweet dreams, o.k. good night, mama loves you more"

and with that, the phone call was done, hats switched as it does SO MANY times during a day/night!!  

you raise your children with the intention of being there for them always, being there for every little up/down, high/low and literally everything in between.  you raise your children with the notion that someday "you will understand" why I do this, why I tell you this, why it has to be this way....I will NEVER forget when my oldest came home from 3rd grade absolutely devastated, she was crying, in so much disbelief that her one little best friend told her she did not want to be friends any more.  She balled for hours, I could not comfort her it was so bad.  as a mother it was one of the toughest things I have ever had to endure to this point, I had no experience, this was my oldest daughter.  I wanted to RIP the hurt right out of her, I wanted to immediately call the other mom and tell her to scold her daughter for being mean to my little girl, it was so intense, I hurt right along with her, it was a deep, hoarse hurt that left your heart heavy and your chest heavier.  I had to explain to her that there was nothing wrong with her and that this little girl was the one who was going to have to earn 'your' friendship back and that she did nothing wrong.  the innocence of the child was "but I still want to be her friend right now mommy"  *sigh*

as much as you want to take it  ALL away and protect them from all that this evil world has to offer, you simple can't.  your job is to protect them, guide them, be there to wipe their skinned knees, their tears, be there to tell them 'it WILL be ok', be there to listen and to give them advice {they won't know that they will need till much later in life}  and through it all, the trials & triumphs, the broken & mended hearts, the scabs & stitches I can say all the joys of parenthood will come around two-fold -- your children WILL live a beautiful life and it will be because of you!!


the hardest part....

is letting go...

giving all of your faith

giving all of your trust

giving all your of heart

giving all of your confidence

giving all of your fears

giving all of your tears

giving your entire being

the hardest part...

of letting go is giving everything you've ever believed in and giving it to one human soul for the rest of YOUR lives!!


lessons learned...

...it was THE worst feeling a parent could have, a lost child.  you drill safety into your children, you tell them that strangers are dangerous and will take them away from you yet when they are in trouble and lost, you want them to seek assistance from someone near them.

we happen to be out of town at a function that was outdoors where hundreds of people present.  David decides he wants to play on some bounce house attractions they had for the children to play on.  daddy darrow buys him tickets and he is a 'happy little boy' going from one to the other in full stride.

this one particular one is very large and is an obstacle course of sorts with two starting points.  David attempts to climb on the left side and falls, bounces off the {bottom} pad and lands on the ground with his elbow breaking his fall, he looks at me with an embarrassing look yet determined to win this fight!  he succeeds, as he always seems to do, and continues his way through the rest of the course.  we arrive at the exit to see a child come out that had started at the same time as David but on the right side, I quickly tell daddy darrow to go to the other side as David might come out there and be upset someone was not waiting for him, daddy darrow proceeds to the other side of the spaceship bounce house.

I stand in waiting for a few minutes and NO ONE is coming out of this left side, I get a quick thought that maybe he is out already and he is with daddy darrow and they will be walking up anytime now, not wanting to move just in case I stand my ground.  time goes by, 2 extremely long minutes and I now know something is wrong.  do I stay here, go to the other side, grab the attendant to go look for him, scream his name, about to have a full panic attack I see out of my left eye 2 police officers walking up with David whom has the most terrified look in his eyes I have EVER seen and hope to not see again anytime soon.  he was shoeless, wearing socks only and 2 huge crocodile tears he was trying to hold back until he saw me as I quickly knelt down to grab him up, yet not too fast as to scare him.  he tells me "i not find you mama, where were you?  I tell him "I was waiting right here for you baby" the officer told me he had made it almost two full vendor rows over, probably making his way to the fire truck that was parked a few rows back from the landing strip.  I'm thinking he was going to them since he KNOWS 'they help people' when they need help!

I had to stay calm as to not freak him out yet let him know he was a brave boy and that he did a good job in finding help.  I asked him what he told the officer and he said he told them "I can't find my mommy" and he said they told him we will help you find her.  we made our way over to daddy darrow on the other side and reunited everyone and took a break from the bounce houses...

the rest of the day was uneventful although David stayed close by and wanted to try the other 2 bounce houses that he had not gotten into, one was a little larger w/same entrance and exit which he came out of pretty fast and said "I don't like that one mama, that one will lose me" and we trotted off to the smaller one he liked much better but was obviously still shaken as he came to the mesh and checked on "me" frequently...

it is hard to believe this is something you know every parent will experience yet something that is the most fearful thing you will experience as a parent!!


time spent & energy wasted....

Who cares if you're Black or White, Mexican or Asian?

It is a simple descriptor & nothing that defines you as a person…
Having a job that you must mentally prepare for daily should not include worrying about what people think of you! Such preparedness should not have to consist of what you wear or perhaps even how many tattoos you have…
Do you honestly think that a woman that was just beaten or a child that witnessed a horrific crime or even a man who has just been shot really cares what you're wearing or how many tattoos u have?
Many of us should turn our focus on supporting those close to us, go beyond your family, including those you work with, with praise, taking that extra step, extending ones self.  A small compliment can go a LONG way, your understanding may be just what they were looking for at that very moment! It saddens me more often than none that people will turn to childhood antics to make them feel better about ones self, something that doesn’t even affect them…I guess that is what sets me aside from ‘them’…
I choose to use my energy on those who truly deserve it, those around me who mean something to me and those whom have “earned” the right to be in my life!!


off the wall......

Why do most strive to be consistent while others are consistently inconsistent??

You may not have had control over what you were given, or how you were raised; you DO though have control over how you give it to others..

Don’t mistake my laughter for happiness or my tears for pain..


I'm NOT alone.....am I?

please tell me I am NOT the only one who has ever wanted to stay in bed, pull the covers over my head and hide out, FOREVER!  it could quite possibly be depression is knocking at your door, but then it goes away because you won't answer....THANK GOODNESS

please tell me I am NOT the only one who has put it all out there and then questioned the manner in which it was being received?  I mean why do it in the first place if it is not going to be the gift you intended it to be....YESTERDAY IS THE PAST AND TODAY IS A GIFT, hence WHY IT IS CALLED THE PRESENT

please tell me I am NOT the only one who gets hurt feelings, one who has healed a broken heart, or two! do they ever truly heal? I mean they say you lose a part of you everytime something tragic happens, where does that "PART" come from??

please tell me I am NOT the only one has learned the hard way from my mistakes and that I can acknowledge when I am wrong, put the past behind me and forgive, yet never FORGET!!  that's not a bad thing, RIGHT??

please tell me I am NOT the only one see's the inner beauty in people, is nieve to the fact their is evil in each one of us and that there is a simple class of  "do-gooders" and "rule breakers" amoung us!!

please tell me I am NOT the only one looking for answers where there are none to be found, why it is SO hard to take NO for an answer, given your request to ask is always YES?!?!  I guess it follows the old addage "don't ask a question you don't want the answer to" but but but I DO!!

please tell me I am NOT the only one who has cried over spilt milk!!

please tell me I am NOT the only only who has been lied to....WAIT, now I have to believe there are LIARS amoung us also?? say it is NOT so!!

please tell me I am NOT the only who speeds and had forgotten how to compose a simple letter BY HAND...

please tell me I am NOT the only one who is the ONLY one?!?!


his frequent request...

....of course with everything up to this point nothing runs smoothly when it comes to Mr. David DeMello.  his dentist appointment went well and he was SO BRAVE, almost to the point it was all a dream, we were so so so proud of him and praised him till he laid his head down to rest.

David developed a mass, OK, spot, it looks like a huge white growth on the bottom of his lip where the fillings were performed, on Saturday, procedure was the day before. by Sunday he was not eating and even with his extremely high pain tolerance it was hurting him, he was not eating because of the pain.  I called the dentist Monday morning as I was afraid it was a start of or a staph infection.  I took him in the afternoon and everyone including the receptionist came to see him saying they were all worried about him all day!!

the on-call Dr. looked at him, said he was fine, it was just a huge ulcer that had formed from the stress of the appointment and/or David worrying up to and including the procedure.  David got to play with the train set, get a toy from the token machine and even got a balloon as we left.

as we said our good-byes and left, David tells me, balloon in hand, "I want to go see mudder tanya mom" I try to quietly tell him before he interrupts me, with a louder request because he did not hear me tell him before, "MOM I WANT TO GO SEE MUDDER TANYA" now he has the attention of the entire room and the receptionist asks "where does he want to go?" I look at her and say that is his mother, his mother tanya, when he gets a balloon he likes to often let them go so she can have them, play with them, she stops me and says "Ohhh your gunna make me cry, I'm so sorry I asked!!"  I say it is ok and we wave good-bye.

we get to the car and David says "I can't see the moon, where is mudder tanya today" she is up there baby..."but she died, why she go to the sky mommy?" I told him, everyone that dies goes to heaven, that is where they live..."mudder tanya had me, den kissed me and den died?" Yes David, then you came and lived with me...."o.k. mama, can we go to park when we get home?"  Yes, Yes we can!!


he has this idea she lives in the moon...

...on nights it is full, bright and lights the entire sky he will say "wook mama, how bootaful da moon is, dat where mudder tanya is huh?" I simple reply "yes baby, she is up there watching us!!"

last night was a not so clear night, the clouds were coming in, they were dark and the moon, aka, mudder tanya's house, was only of a crescent shape, that didn't seem to stop his noticing and the barrage of questions was a little more intense this time around....

"mom, wook at the moon, it's following us huh" Yeah, it is kind of dark tonight huh? "yeah...mudder tanya is up there, right?" Yes, David she is, I agree because I simply don't know what else to say, he has visited the cemetery and he knows his mother died and he now lives with me/us. "mudder tanya died huh?  Yes she did David. "what happen to mudder tanya, did she killed her?"  No, David she was sick. "Oh so doctor gave her a shot?" Yeah he did David but she was really sick, she died and went to heaven.  "then I come live with you, huh mama?"  Yes, yes, David you came and lived with me....

the drive and our errands continued, I fought back tears and confirmed daddy darrow was listening as well, he simply shook his head 'yes'. 

we finished our errands and headed back home, he asked to roll the window down and daddy darrow told him "no son, not now, it is getting too cold outside" David replied "o.k. daddy, but hurry mudder tanya is ahead of us, she is going to beat us!!" {in a little excited voice} sooo with a little 'rev' of the truck engine David thought we were in a race with mudder tanya, which did not stop the next round of questions;
"mom, I don't want to go stay with mudder tanya, I want to stay with you!"  O.K., you don't have to go see her, he cut me off, "we can just go visit huh?" I began to reply..Well, and he stopped me again, "did mudder tanya hold me, did she kiss me?" Yes, David she did, she loved you very much and she did hold you and gave you great big kisses.  "and den I come live with you?"  Yes, yes baby boy, then you came and lived with mommy!! 
then all at once it was.... DADDY DARROW hurry, go faster, mudder tanya is beating us!!  and with that, we arrived home and he was focused on a bath and how he did NOT want to wear a pull-up to bed, he was a big boy now and didn't need a diaper, as he called them. 


what is your story.....

I often wonder when I pull up next to someone at a stop light where are they going, where have they been what are they doing up at this hour whether it be my 'wee' a.m. or theirs or could just be the middle of the day.

He has the radio blasting, singing away, snapping his fingers, moving and grooving...would you think he was seconds away from shooting someone a few hours earlier or perhaps that he had to take make a split second decision and take 3 children away from their parents but also quite possibly saved their lives from the situation they were living in?

She has a look of despair, she is tired and just thrown together, a long night out perhaps, just coming home from the bar, work or has she been driving around all night because she was beaten & abused and left her house with the only thing she had on, has been driving for hours just for own safety?

He has a blank stare from behind the wheel, tired and defeated, perhaps a long night at work,  he had taken a life tonight and ponders the accident over and over again trying to make sense of what exactly happened and how it will affect his future?  what about the family of the man who lost his life? 

She is in a hurry, practically passing every car that happens to come in her path, making sure each one she passes knows she is late for her destination.  Does life move that fast that we must be in such a hurry that we forget our manners?

He sits and as the light turns green he is cautious to move, then does so at a snails pace, is he afraid to drive, is he too old to drive, has he been in an accident before?  I'd like to think he has seen it all, and I mean ALL.  I'd venture to say when he began to drive the roads were made of dirt, he DID walk 1 mile to school, in the snow with hand me down shoes and no socks, he fought a war and saw death first hand and he has lived a rich life and will never say poor me! !

A booth at a restaurant, an elder couple sipping coffee, no conversation, just the company, do they not have anything to say to one another, are they angry?  They have been blessed with a beautiful life together, the irony is, they don't have to say a word, the presence of one another and the day they have been given is all they simply ask for at this age/stage in their life!!

I dream of having a job {or rich enough to not worry about money} where I can sit next to someone and ask them "what is your story?"  where the minutes turned into hours yet it seems as not on second had gone by...

EVERY single one has a story to tell, some of interest and some of fiction but before your quick to call them a liar or think that this could NOT have happened think twice of your short comings or I like to consider them blessings, genuinely smile and wish them a good day! !


my observation is...

...is that this little man I call my son is really coming into his own and each day brings me closer and closer to the realization he is growing up too fast!!

a few months ago it was the the "blushing" in his face...I was amazed to see this 'emmotion' come out, I mean who teaches that, how does it come alive?

then I saw his 'true' hurt feeling, I mean the deep down hurt, upper lip {big boy keeping tears back} out as if he was embarrassed about what was said or done to him...and I think it was just a "really stern" NO...

he realizes now when he is in a bad mood and I guess DOES listen to what we say...he was getting whiny in line the other day and I told him if he did not quite he would have to take a nap when we got home, he pleaded "noooo mom, I will drop my attitude" I spun around in horror to see who had possibly witnessed his little fit and then heard his plea, he said it loud enough Japan could have heard him.  I'm certain the cashier was the only one, or she was the only one that commented "oh my he is such a cutie pie"! !
I think he is growing out of naps too, can do good without one but when 'mommy' needs some special cuddle time, we can throw down a 2 or 3 hour'r!! HECK YES...

he has great manners and often keeps track of mine as well as other children when we are out and about, sometimes, again, getting the attention of the entire room, I reinforce his questions/concerns and reinforce his observation's and remind him just how proud I/we are of him...

out of the blue he asked me the other day "mom Halloween is coming huh?" I replied, yes, yes it David...I know pre-school has a lot to do with his awareness now, but to see it blossom is pretty darn cool!!

the thing today was "mom, when I go to bed next time, I want to wear chones, I don't need a pull-up anymore pwzzz"   REALLY, that is MY decision, not yours is what I wanted to tell him, but instead I reassured him that is absolutely something we will work on...**sigh**

my little boy has blossomed into a growing young boy that has only thrived in the environment we have created and for those moments I have no words, my heart over flows with pleasure & excitement for what the next question, concern, day or observation will bring! ! ! ! !


imagination OR obsession

….ok, SO, something’s you just can’t deny….I mean we first acknowledge then we recover, RIGHT?!?!

I have to wonder how can something SO little consume your last thought as your day ends, make you think about it, even crave it in your time of need! !

So small that it gets lost, I wake up in a panic and wonder what has happened, search to no avail, where did it go? Obsessed until I can get my hands on it again, reaching, searching and even with my eyes closed I can usually manage to find at least one of them.

They come in different colors and have to be replaced frequently; I have an extra reserve stash readily available at all times! I have to take them when I travel, even keeping them in several different rooms in the house. I can have just one but two is usually a requirement!!
If they are not on board by the time I fall asleep they are DEFINITELY in hand wrapped tightly or resting on my chest….

David will usually be my silent keeper and brings them to me when he finds them in his bed “mama, here is your ears to sleep”

I mean EVERYone has to wear ear-plugs when they fall asleep, R I G H T?!?!?!?!?!?

unconditional love it is.....

....a rough night at best, or morning?  only a few hours sleep from the time my head hit the pillow to the time I felt a peck on my cheek, and a whisper of G'Mooooorning mama in my ear and of course in HIS bed so as to not keep daddy darrow awake his last few hours of sleep.

we proceeded to have a little"us" time, chit-chat over our mickie dee's parfait's I got last night on my way home to surprise him this morning and then the normal barrage of questions;
"I have to go to school mama?"  Yes, David, so you can be smart {as he sings/spells P U R P L E} as the theme color/song yesterday at school....
"You have to go to work mama?"  Yes David, but later tonight, I have to make money for your 'prizes' remember
"Who gunna pick me up mama?" I will baby, as I remind him today is pizza day

as we pull into the parking lot and he sees the kids playing outside and as he tells me "Wook mama, they playing outside, they are asking "where is David at"....I smile big and sit for just a moment to look at his excitement....he then takes his seat belt off and climbs over the seat to grab his 'blankie' and tells me......

"Have a good day at work mom" I remind him, "OH BABY, MAMA IS GOING HOME TO GO BACK TO SLEEP" he then looks as me and says "have a good day sweeping mom, I don't want you GROUCHY {as we always joke} when you pick me up today, k?" I laugh and shake my finger back and forth, OK BABY NOOOOOOOOO G R O U C H Y today!! 

and he's GONE, runs off like I never existed....under my breath after a quick kiss on the forehead I whisper...HAVE A GREAT DAY DAVID..MoM LOVES YOU!!


angels amoung US...

our morning ritual is just as amazing as the day that has been given to us...he climbs up in my bed, right next to me and kisses me, tells me "mama I love you berry much" I sleep in my bed like a good boy huh" Yes baby you did and I love you more as I hug him tight.

we lay there and cuddle for a few more minutes and he sits STRAIGHT up and says "dats me mom" right there" I ask him where as I look to my night stand.  He tells me "right there" I reply to him, oh yeah, the picture on the wall, that is all of us, me, you & daddy.  He says "NO MAMA, right there, with the wings, the tall one, that is me"  I ask him are you an angel?  He replies, "YEAH, I'm a good angel huh" I tell him, with broken words, YOU ARE AN ANGEL AND YOU ARE A VERY VERY GOOD ANGEL & MOMMY LOVES YOU SO MUCH!!

He simply looks at me and says "I like being an angel mama" is it time to get up yet? 
Off we go to the kitchen to make him the breakfast....  

Andrea bought me this angel the last time David was admitted to VCH for what we would "dub" his yearly admission.  coincidentally he has NOT been admitted since, so MAYBE, just maybe this is OUR guardian angel!!


and it's OVER.....

freedom, sleeping in, relaxation, done, gone, bye-bye!!  back to reality and that thing that adds money to my checking account every two weeks, I think I vaguely remember but it is called a JOB!! 

vacation was nice, didn't have anything special planned, did a few little things, spent some much needed time with my little man, and dabbled in a little extra time with my husband, ya' know, just enough to remember what he looks like, sounds like, smells like....I sooo need a 'normal' job with normal hours, what would that EVEN be like?

I thought I was pretty settled in my career path, then came along David.  My girl's were older and soon out on their own as I was being trained and settled in and shortly after promoted at the police department.  I've never considered myself to be a morning person so my schedule of working nights and sleeping during the day worked well, so anywho, now maintaining a family and having to start over, completely over, I've come to realize I just can't do this shift work as he is growing up..I can only hope and pray at this point that there is something out there for this "old hen!!" 
I will not sacrifice or settle, that is something I lost a long time ago and will NOT befriend again.  I have a supportive husband and one who has made some sacrifice's along with me, but this I know and realize, I have to make a difference and a better {home} life for David.  He will need more attention than my girl's did or Daryl's boys did.  we both {have to} often remind one another....

so I took some time on this vacation to prepare a pretty darn good resume and will begin to put myself out there and see if I can get any bites...WISH ME LUCK...


I can't believe....

we actually got to leave town, actually got to stay over night and actually had a GREAT time, well, till the ride home, and, uhhhh, I choose NOT to revisit THAT incident at this time, it is my right, right??

we took our leisure time, arrived at our destination, unloaded the truck, got some grub and forgot about reality, no cell service, no internet, no phone on your side, no messages coming through every 5 seconds, just fresh air, relaxation and a gorgeous view!!

I have, well I thought I had a good sense of direction, but for some reason when he is driving I lose it all and have had to be questioned on my "do you know where your going" directions...I blame it all on his driving, it sucks and makes me car sick!!  Yea Yea, is is all his fault, always is right?  It was just nice to able to have ANY interaction with him OTHER than the 5-10 minutes we usually get as we are literally passing in the hallway as one is coming and one is always going.

we drove up to Sonora to visit my sister and her family and upon arrival & greeting we gravitated outside to the deck/pool area.  the water was so NOT warm, the nights up there get to cool now to keep the water at a decent temperature BUT to a 5 year old it is "wet" and that is all that seemed to matter.

I stood and watched David tip-toe in the water for 30 minute or so then when Uncle Derek got in, he went full on body and was out a little after that "water cold mama!!"

we sat up top on the deck, the kids played, David found a "burr" patch, OK burr hill that he seemed to have rolled down after thinking he was a tight-rope walker for the circus on the stone wall above the patch, he bounced up as he hit the bottom like "ta-da I'm OK"....a few battle wounds, scraps and scratches later, we all decided we better for the sake of the rest of the property to go get a bite to eat!!

it was Family Night at the local Round Table pizza, "Krinkles" the clown was there and was face-painting and animal ballooning it for kids and adults alike, even got David to partake in some painting, but the ARM only mama!!
we had a GREAT dinner, yes, I said it, and YES we were at a small little Round Table pizza, but to see my sister, her husband as well as mine enjoy themselves over pizza, beer and good company was priceless to me.  WAY to often we are only together for holidays, birthday parties and at our ages, funeral's, PLEASE enough of them already, I'm plenty sure I've reached the quota for a long time to come! 

we didn't have any specific plans, we talked as the conversation flowed, we laughed when David pooped himself because he was having so much fun and the sliding door was only 5 steps {TOO far} away from the bathroom after  he had already ran up a flight of stairs, we weren't worried about interruption or even responsibilities, it was the most enjoyable time I have had in a very long time.

we got back home right at dusk, took a stroll of the property on the little dirt, gravel road no, really, it was....you could smell the pine tress, you could hear the toads and he crickets.  the wind was blowing, making just enough breeze to make you want to go put a sweater on, but you didn't dare want to waste a moment missing the sunset.  we thought we would be able to see the stars but instead cloud cover moved in and we were able to see a lightening show, it was a sight!

the next morning we got a bright and early start with the hustle and bustle of school and work, we packed and said our good-bye's till next time and took a ride into Jamestown where we ate a place on main street, MOTHER LODE Coffee Shop, I claimed to be a hole in the wall yet it looked like a main staple. we then walked down main street to let our food settle as we hit the road back home.

"mama, take our picture!!"  OK baby, say CHEESE!!



"I'm on 'acation' too mom?"....

....he snuck in as he usually does, whispering g'morning mama, as he climbs right over the top of me, not that there is a WHOLE other side of the king size bed that is completely open and snuggles right up close and falls back to sleep, if only for a split second.

his questions soon begin...."do I have to go to school today?" no, not today
"I get to stay home with you?" yep, you sure do
"Do you have to go to work mama?" no, not tonight, "So you 'tay home with me then right mama?" yes David, what do you want to do today?  "I want a sammich and go to the park"  right now?  "yea mama, get up, let's go"


he had the entire park to himself, so we played, we walked to the 2 other areas and he thought it was just "way cool" this new park {to him} ....??

david's asks as we get to the third area, "mom, they have baffrooms here?" yes, WHY, do you have to go potty? "yea, come on mom, I need to hurry" we gather our drinks quickly and head across the park to the restrooms, the whole time he is holding orange juice in one hand and his bottom in the other "mom, I think the poo-poo is coming out" OK come on, lets walk faster "I can't" as he turns the talk to his poo-poo "you stay in there, we are almost there" pwease don't come out yet, you can do this" I'm DYING at this point and had NO heart to take a pic for the mere fact it would be a code brown on grassy area #2.

as we left the park to get his haircut he tells me, again, how much he loves me and with those words, I my heart melts, then he proclaims, "MOM, I LIKE BEING ON 'ACATION TOO LIKE YOU, YOU TIRED OF WORKING HUH MAMA?" such a smart smart boy...maybe we need to talk to daddy about this "acation" thing :)

we continue our journey to the car wash, which is never fun as far as David is concerned, but today he only "freaked" when we pulled in then begged to come back again today.  We will see how far that request goes the next time we really need to come back!!

we make it to the Mall, he is a good boy but mid-way tells me "mama, I'm tired of walking, can u get me a car pwease" I know this, we find a check out and we left.  David got to ride the "treats" for being such a good boy...

home bound now for some lunch and a nap for my little "acationer"

perfect choice...

Tulips are symbolic of fame and perfect love.

Yellow tulips mean "there's sunshine in your smile" and cheerful thoughts as White tulips symbolize heaven, newness and purity.
Variegated tulips mean "you have beautiful eyes as Orange tulips mean energy, enthusiasm, desire, and passion.

I'm thinking this was a PERFECT choice for my wedding bouquet, very fitting for OUR new life together as well as my maid of honor's, my 2 beautiful daughters the words could not be more descriptive!!


my hero....

Capt. America --- he is here to save the WORLD! 

I love to watch him in action, just as much as I love it when he is sitting in thought, Ohhhh, to have a penny for every thought!!

10 years ago today...

as this day represents WAY more than me turning another year older, I mean since birthday's are the "stuff" once you realize there is NO more Santa Claus, I will reflect on the fact that 5 years ago I was standing at "Ground Zero" standing at the actual sight were an unthinkable tragedy brought us death and emotional despair. I could not help but to be deeply sadden yet at the same time grateful for my life, for my freedom.  as I stood there and watched my oldest daughter holding ribbons that had been tied to the chain link fence, reading letters that were written from the children & families who had lost their loved ones, standing there, staring at what was still a dusty, messy massive hole, thinking their are still people buried beneath all the rubble, it was if only for a split second you could almost feel the presence of their souls around you.

as I continue to get birthday wishes sent to me, I feel just as grateful for each and every person in my life that has taken just a moment out of their day to think of me, this I do know, I AM truly blessed!! 

how can I EVER begin to THANK you personally for being in my life!!  God Bless my life, my freedom along with my family and friends..xoxo


he said ...

I was dodging bullets when I read over your post, it truly breaks my heart, I replied it is breaking mine too, he said, I can tell!!

We talked into the wee hours and, as always, he brings me back to where I need to be, grounds me if you will...he makes sense of my madness and brings reality back to life!

He is the keeper of my soul and has signed on for more than I think I ever realized, he thinks he knows, but does he really?  the answer would be DEFINITELY!

I'm grateful that my writing is my {safe} outlet, I'm grateful he understands, wants to read it, wants to share it, wants to fix it all and most of all, wants to be here for me no matter what happens!!

{sooooooooo next time you tune in} this is for you baby...plain & simple....THANK YOU for caring


I just don't think they get it

...Since when is entitlement a "gimme" and not a sense of accomplishment or true understanding of what life is about. 

you have made fun of my choices, you laugh at me & to my face, you have disrespected me, talked trash to others about me, including your own family.
yet why have you not been brave enough to do this in front close friends? is it because you know they would stop you dead in your tracks, tell you how wrong you are, how evil you are, how selfish you are being, how mean and truly ignorant you are to others feelings and the things that happen in their life?!  things that you choose to over look, because you think you are above living with any of it, and want to pretend like it is all about you and you are entitled to SO much more than you have earned?

yet in one hand you try so hard to be like me, of course NOT letting me know, taking what I say as a joke and attempting to implement it the moment I leave the room.  I still DO have eyes in the back of my head...

...I think I will take my wisdom, own it, it is mine, along with my experience and continue to live my life for ME and continue to love, support and be there when you need guidance, because THAT is the kind of person I am, that is the kind of MOM that I am!  one day and only one day do I hope you realize what it is like to walk in my shoes and not try to trip me every time you have the opportunity.

the things I do I OWN and the things I don't I learn from, I've become a much wiser/secure person over the last 5 years and NOTHING can break me, take from me the person I am today!


he politely says "mom, im ready to get out"

we wash his knees, elbows and toes

i get his favorite buzz lightyear towel, with a hoodie or his cape as he frequently calls it

we fly to his bedroom to dress him for bed

he says "mama, tonight can u put lotion all over me, it makes me `mell` so good and cwean"

yes baby, I will

we jump up to dress, he says "mom, I love you so much" with a HUGE kiss as I reply David, I think I love you more, he tells me, as he jumps in my arms "I love you whole much mama" then the BIGGEST hug I could have asked for and the LONGEST hug with the littlest hands tapping and rubbing my back!!

THAT is the reassurance I crave

good night, sweet dreams my angel baby, luv mom


it's days like today.....

I just want to give up!!

It is obvious I do NOT have the patience I had when my girl's were toddlers.
The fact is he is a boy, a boy with special needs & special circumstances, a boy whom I took on without question or reserve,  boy that is totally and completely dependant on me.

from constantly explaining his 'history', making decisions for him, choices he can't make has become something I'm still not used to, it seems every time there is another decision to be made it gets more and more intense..

I get tired, tired of fighting, tired of compromising, tired of explaining over and over what needs to be done, what is going to happen, so tired I want to yell, DON'T YOU LISTEN, DON'T YOU KNOW BY NOW?!?!?! the answer is.... NO, he does not!!
He can not hear me most of the time because he is deaf in one ear...He does not understand things in simple terms with all the procedures he has had, all the hospitalization he has been subjected to, he has anxiety and anger issues that need to be dealt with love, care and compassion, the only thing he DOES know and can count on from me when he needs it most~ I know what he needs when he truly needs it.

~feeling a little frustrated & overwhelmed~


this picture make me SMILE...he is such a love bug...

dat's my "daddy" darrow mama...S P O I L E D !!

he tells us last night as we took him shopping for new shoes "they HAVE to be cool shoes daddy" WHAT, how in the world at 5 yrs old do you know `cool`?  he even partook in the choosing of shirts, the correct size I mind you and his choice was "Spidey" and Lighten' Queen" yea, he got them both!!

just a thought....

as we ran about today, as we conversed, laughed and joked with one another it came to me, I am in love with the best thing that could have EVER happened to me at this point in my life!!

there are things that happen throughout the weeks and days when I have little moments of reflection that make me wonder "how deserving am I?" of this love, as I'm certain he does the same.  it is a love, respect only we can understand, a love that only happens once, and as I've preached before, the one that came out of "nowhere, completely unexpected" but the one that came at the most perfect time".

I can honestly say that I had truly given up, I had no longer wished, hoped or even prayed that 'THE ONE' would ever come along.  perhaps it was my destiny, my unique situation or my unwillingness to settle, only god knows and for that I thank him.

we have our moments, ohhh goodness do we, and perhaps we should have waited a bit longer for some past and more frequent issues to resolve, settle or be buried completely but having to have dealt with them, and some in a gruesome manner, yuck!! I would not have traded the time served for anything at this point, in my opinion, and that is the only one that matters, right? it has been a definite growing experience I was glad to have been privy too. do trust me when I say it was bad when it reared it's ugly head..I take comfort in knowing such a negative experience has turned into such a positive outlook on our future.

my respect for the man I have loved for sometime only grows deeper as each day passes. 

is it possible to love someone so much that it hurts??


the art of Science....

wonder why I was never clued in on the art of cleaning out

the refrigerator, I sooooooo would have past my High School

science class with flying colors!! 

daily struggles.....

he used to fight it, now he asks for it..the `achine`..when he says "mama, I can't breath" and I tell him "I know baby boy, I know" when in actuality, I REALLY don't, I can't imagine what it is like to NOT be able to breath at any given moment!

he has struggled with being asthmatic from birth and is NO stranger to being admitted and treated in a hospital setting. his mother had also struggled with asthma all her life so with that experience I'm glad I have at least the knowledge of this horrible ailment.

I wish I would have had the energy to write when we were up at 0342 this a.m. as we sat on the couch administering his much needed treatment on the 'achine', he fell asleep in my arms and as the treatment was near end, he opened his eyes and said "listen mama, it is done now, can I go back to bed and you lay with me pwease?"  Yes baby, yes we can.

very few know our daily struggles, the watching, the listening, the medicine that can't be too far out of reach, the back pack that needs to be toted whenever & wherever we travel....his fear of "I don't have to/want to go back to the hospital anymore mama, k?"


it's begun....

and before I know it, it will be over!! 

VACATION a time to rest, relax and re-coop! !

he sneaks around....

..the rattle of the bear {head} gets closer

..the footsteps seem to stop at the foot of the bed

..the light comes on

..the small hands touch my face, turning my head

..the little kisses followed by the voice that says

"pwease get up mama, the sun is shining today and I turned the light on for you"  can u make me pancakes pwease"

how do you NOT wake up in a great mood to that? and for the record he changed it to Lucky Charms once we got downstairs!!


5 years and still NO reality....

my text read: {first thing in the morning}
I love u SO much!! Thinking of u today my love xoxo

her reply: {many hours later}
Hi, i luv u too. Sorry to just get back to u but i denied the day to make it through. Ox t thank u for ever and everything u do.

at what point do you stop missing someone, I don't think it is physically possible. so why would you continue to deny the days/dates as if they didn't exist just so you can?  why am I the only one that seems strong enough to have to be able to cope with the tragedy and have it thrown in my face, literally, on a daily basis? i wish it was just as easy for me to proclaim "THIS DAY DOES NOT EXIST, THEREFORE I CAN HAVE A GOOD DAY" who does that?  one would presume, one who can not come to terms with the tragedy let alone the loss itself, perhaps there is something that i am missing, something i don't understand, perhaps something that i have failed to see or "hone" in on?? well, i think i have taken on enough of the responsibility and making it extremely easy for others to cope and not deal with "the daily" as i like to refer to it and just know that "those that have the responsibility to do so, do it with great pride and honor" or something very similar to that {my husband reminds me of this often} and for that i am grateful to be the one who continues to make everyday count for a little soul that would have otherwise been lost!!

as i have asked frequently and wondered more often if there is just one little sign you can send me from above to let me know im on the right path, it is still welcomed.  God Bless you my little sister and farewell till we can meet again!!


as simple as a kiss....

he wakes me with a kiss on the cheek as he asks "are they monsters downstairs" I reply, no there are NO monsters as I fight to open my eyes....

I hear the tiny footsteps creep downstairs, then nothing and for a slight moment fall back asleep in time to hear that sweet voice from below "mom, can I have a brownie" this is repeated at least 4x because I KNOW he will not hear my reply so I lay waiting....

I hear the footsteps, this time in a more hurried motion, as they reach the top of the stairs I anticipate the greeting, I feel his nose on mine and here it comes, "mom can I have a brownie and cereal with milk hen you take me to Starbucks, ok, ok, geddup please now mama"

how does one NOT wake up with a smile on their face and a loved soul!!

GOOD Morning big boy, MaMa's getting up now......

speaking on HIS behalf....

how do you grieve a soul that would not have grieved for yours?

perhaps it is forgive but never forget?  is it that your love for life leads you to believe all soul's are good, there is no evil?  yet can't help forget the tainted past and the last conversation?  is this what God REALLY wants us to remember or is it a step in grieving the lose of your last sibling?

we do learn by example and even at my age, I continue to learn from my father..love, trust and most of all forgive!

he is an amazing man whom is faced with demons he has a hard time fighting, for he has fought the ultimate fight of war and still feels defeated.  he has lost all 3 of his siblings in a matter of 3.5 years and yet still remains to be the "rock" of our little family, always worried about others and never speaks of himself, wonder where we get it from..

I LOVE YOU dad and as ALL the other tragedies, we will get through this, as a family, a family you created and built with your love, trust and most of all, FORGIVENESS!!


they say it comes in 3's...

I think I will take a free pass God and let it rest at 2 for now.  This being the 5 year milestone for Tanya's passing along with the fact I lost a very dear friend and co-worker suddenly and tragically and now news of my uncle, my dad's last sibling left, all within this "lovely time of year"!!   I think I'm deserving, don't you?

I have a lot of prayers and a lot of well wishes I have to send out, at once, so please allow me this time to do so so everyone can receive them in the fashion I know you want me to give them.

I'm keeping my Av'a close in my prayers as she has lost 3 of her 4 children in the last 3.5 years and my father, the rock of the family, passing the torch to me, but I know on most days lately I could simply lose my mind in an instant.  I so want to take the pain from him but know I simply don't have the energy to carry it all for him, so please guide me in helping and being there for him when he needs it most. 



IF it helps....

we walked beside her each and everyday as she silenced her inner pain, we knew nothing more.....

she will silently walk beside each of us as we grieve our inner pain and struggle with questions we long for and the answers only she holds.....

may your journey be a safe one as you continue to look down on us!!


I told him....

as stubborn as I am called I'm also just as passionate and I am definitely not a quitter! 

he took comfort in those simple words...THANK YOU...

the line up is as follows.....




as the imagination runs amuck and the action becomes more intense, he plays the rolls as if he is saving the world....THIS gives me all the confidence I need to be certain he can and WILL accomplish all he sets his mind to in his life!!
he is a very happy boy and just turning 5 years old!!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY my little angel xoxo


to stay or to go...

it has got to be the most selfish act one can preform. it rips families & people apart and forces them to take blame for your actions, your decision to end it all when you think you are the only one who matters.

in one's mind that is contemplating such an act, they are not thinking of their loved one, their families and how they will be affected, they are taking blame for much more than any of us left behind will ever truly understand. they are making a decision, in their mind that TOTALLY justifies the act of suicide they are about to preform upon themselves.

it is a disease, I honestly believe this, they are ill and whether we knew and choose to turn our heads to it or had NO clue what-so-ever, it is a tragedy all the same. being on the front lines with a family member committing this act several years back, it took a long time to come to grips with the decision HE made and the family he left behind to pick up the pieces and move forward. he had only 1 possession in his wallet when they found him, my home phone number, I struggled with this for years, and came to the conclusion that he knew he could call anytime, any hour but simply choose not to, I have to respect that and take comfort in him being in a much better place, at least in his mind as he will forever live in my heart!!

RIP LW  ^j^
and never forgotten Anthony


it's just a word...

Yourself {worth}

WHY is this the word we all crave yet in time of need it is the last thing we want/need to hear?!?!

a simple question, right?!?!

he says from the back seat "your my mama, right", I reply yes baby boy, I am your mama.  he says NO, "YOUR MY MAMA", I look at him through the mirror and smile while my heart cry's and reply, YES DAVID, YOUR MY MAMA!!  THAT is what he was looking for..

what is a simple {question} validation to him becomes a confirmation for me. 
he may never know just how important this exchange was!


where did this come from?

it feels like a mule just kicked you right square in the chest....it is SO unexpected that you can't even speak, yet your silence will most likely bring more accusations of guilt....guilt you have none of, guilt that is being forced upon you and "swears" that make you go where you never want{ed} to go, especially when it is to someone whom should have he utmost ultimate faith & trust in you....

a few people this, actually a handful of people that, who now have a seed planted onto them that they have no idea how to process, a seed that will now follow YOU for a long time to come, if not forever!!  HOW does one defend that?  HOW does one acme face-to-face with `these` said people?  HOW does one stop shaking long enough to compose a word, or gather a thought?

HE will never know, he honestly will NEVER know!!


who knew...

who would have know going from PURE estrogen to PURE testosterone would be an experience that would completely change my world!! 

half the time I have NO idea what they are talking about and miss the days when I would be summonsed to a tea party or a dress up fashion show. 

it has all been replaced with dance moves and action figures and monster trucks that rest at me ankles wherever I walk.

I simple smile and repeat "it must be a boy thing" :)

he may or may not ever know...

to know and a child's love is to know NO other!

to feel a child's a love is to feel complete!

knowing all the time it could all be taken away, at any given moment, yet confidant it won't sheds a whole new light in raising him, giving him direction and making him understand your comfort and love!


it was my first love till the first one came along....

it took her 2 years to be convinced, it took him 2 seconds..  perhaps resistance or just reservation..  what others see, you are always blind too..  two people very much alike but consumed by other lives..  a voice, a note is all she needed until it is taken away and thought to never return..  does one give up or give hope that there will be that "one" time you be able to speak your true feelings, perhaps just your gratitude for a friendship you thought you would never be privileged to again..  in this circle of life, it's choices and decisions that are made by others and presumed onto you, you wish if you will and wish if you may..  two souls that have searched a lifetime and settled for what was in the 'meantime' can now live the first day of the rest of their lives!!   


the excitement....

of seeing his papa after nearly 2 weeks was almost more than he could stand!  knowing only the good in this big ole' world is something I wish I could preserve for him for the rest of his life!!

love mom


good deeds......

never go unnoticed, or so they say!

what if the impact you thought was one that you could have NEVER even of imagined? 

what if the impact truly changed a life and NOT the one that it was intended for?

what IF you had a single hand in turning someone in the right direction when they had come to the most difficult cross-road, perhaps in their entire life?

knowing that the decision is completely on them and OUT of your hands..

knowing you did a kind deed, one of great courage and honor and sincerest of intentions..

THAT would be worth a set of wings for sure...just add to the collection I say!

he has NO idea.....

what an impact such words have!!

"mama, thank you for buying me 2 "purprises" you bought them cuz you love me and I a good boy huh"?

Yes baby, I did and I do, a whole bunch!!

$1 store water gun {that won't make it 2 hours}

a baseball to match the 10+ I'm sure he have lying around all over the house...


when a life changing decision needs to be made

my eyes began to swell and the tears appeared..

he said I want you to know that I have no anxiety, animosity or second thoughts about all this, this is what I signed on for, the whole package, you and him...

he read my mind as the words I could not speak...leaving me with total confidence and leaving me pondering if "I" am the one holding all the animosity, anxiety and second thoughts....


at nearly 5 yrs old....

how does he know beauty?

leaving my hair salon this morning "your pwetty mama, I wike your hair a yot"

just a quick thought....

with love comes loss

with tears comes joy

with fear comes hope

with anger comes relief

with honesty comes lies

with life comes death.....

and so on..live, breath and act like this is your very last moment you may have to make your last first impression!


my wish....for you....

is that this life is all that you want it to be.  as you face diversity before you even know what the word means, just give me more ambition to make it easier for you to accomplish ANYthing you see possible and that all your dreams will come to you as easy as they are to wish!!

just a little encouragement for you, ok, for me as I struggle with decisions about your future today...I love you David and already are SO PROUD of you...

Ludge, MOM

they say im wise....nah...im just experienced!!

NEVER settle for something less than getting EVERYTHING you deserve!!


it had to be.............

the HAPPIEST day of my life!!

I will wish no more.....

April 23rd, 2011


I would say that....



as simple as ...

an apple fritter making her day!!

& a coffee mug making his!!