So it read.....

**2 year old post/draft** 
to read this prior to publishing it is a "thing" for sure {shoulder shrug} as well as picking up daily devotionals, again! HAPPY READING my friends...
 

"rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be consistent in prayer."

I guess it is fitting being that I am grasping onto what ever hope I can at this very moment, he and I had our first "riff" since he has been gone, nearly two full months now, so the only thing I know that is certain is that I have been extremely consistent in my prayers!
I have missed only but a couple of days in church and have been faithful with a devotional plan along with talking to God daily, most recently confessing all that I bare on my shoulders, I willingly give onto his....

Our expectations when we become derailed either move us forward into joy or they thrust us into worry and concern - Do I really want to believe that God is wanting us to learn a lesson from such trivial misunderstandings, I thought it was only super important, life critical lessons that he wanted us to learn and grow from, am I wrong? 
I believe I am .. how, I have no clue, I think that is all part of his grand plan as well! SO, I will continue to believe there is always a message that is bigger and better than the one I chose to receive during my derailment and instead of my immediate and sometimes "not so nice" reaction(s) I will make a conscious effort to give thought and purpose to such struggle(s). 

Downloading and being faithful in my daily readings have truly been a god send, no pun or innuendo intended - HONEST!! I have seemed to find (or they have been placed for my choosing) absolute perfect "plans" that have made this particular part of my journey exceptionally meaningful and has opened my eyes more than anything I can recall in a very, very long time.

Although I am saddened by the fact that in nearly two months I am going to bed without saying good night to my husband and our last conversation ended on a particularly bitter note, I take comfort in knowing that I have done what I can do and have made my mind and heart right with the derailment and I have no control over such circumstances to which I have been accused. To say we are living with a little bit of stress is a gross understatement! 
Good Night

Do YOU walk with God?

**WARNING** 2 year old post, YES, I am trying, yet again to become more and more "faithful" to myself and as I read this post, how appropriate it is to publish it today ~ Happy Reading!!
 

WELP! I did it, took the leap today and let me just tell you how good, GREAT it felt to walk back into a church (that didn't burn down).
I knew I was losing it, truly losing it, everything seemed beyond my control yet it was all happening right in front of my face and in lightening speed. I can honestly say that the day I got the phone call that my baby sister was leaving us, I have never experienced such pain and heartache than I have in the last two weeks! I proclaim to be one of the strongest people on earth, I have been through enough so I think, scratch that, I KNOW I am entitled. I will also tell you that I was in no way, shape or form prepared to do what I have done and will have to do for the next few months.
I was silently asking for help, because it is in NO way acceptable for me to ask for real, a curse maybe, safety net, for sure. I grew up in a traditional Catholic family, the events faded as my family grew, but the Sunday's at my grandparents was a for sure thing until my grandfather became ill and passed away my senior year of high school, this would be the first time I experienced death. Whether my parents shielded me from any of it in my younger years to this day, I was not sure, but this was the first of a long list of good-byes I would have to participate in.
I hold close to my heart, my grandfather's crucifix...
I have an engraved bible from a dear friend that knew I needed it more than I did...
I have always held family and childhood traditions close, like never using God's name in vein...
I have always felt and proved it today, at home in the house of the lord!!

"F" you social media!!

I am not afraid to admit it, I feel slighted, I feel left out and I feel like as if there is a whole other life being built without me – you say it’s simply without my body present, but both truth and reality, I am not there and you are starting new adventures, receiving well wishes, much deserved comments and posting more on social media than you have in the seven years I have known you – so, I won’t apologize for feeling like this has nothing to do with me at all.

By the time I get to your destination, the newness will have worn off, the well wishes will have stopped along with the thoughts that already exist of us being apart – it has and continues to be what “you” deserve and how brave others think you are and have been to make such a huge move, little do they know – and that is exactly it, they won’t know, ever the sacrifices I have made for us (in my eyes, and solely for you in your eyes).

I am very well aware of what you have at stake, the fact that you have to sit “in a box” without your family, you have a new job to do, acclimate to, and still, you think I should feel sorry for you, understand that you miss me when you have shown me nothing. I had to readjust my entire life, once again, to accommodate someone else, and got nothing in return (I hate that you made me think I was “owed” something) and triple-fold the responsibilities and most of which I have absolutely NO control over, literally, I am left in this house that is ALL yours, NOTHING about it is mine, yet I have full responsibility – tell me again how that is fair and I have not the slightest reason to feel as if I have been and will continue to be left out?! You have mentioned NOTHING about what I have offered and had to sacrifice nor the responsibilities that I now have…

The excitement I will have when and if I finally get to make the trip will have worn out their welcome in the eyes of your loyal followers and the tags, yeah, thanks, I like to see and hear from other people what you have posted and what you are talking about! Social Media, once again, the source of bad decisions and forever markers of what your life means to you and how others perceive you and how great are!!

You just don’t get it, you never will and the fact that I would have to bring it up to you – is proof enough that is doesn’t matter, it never will – you probably didn’t even notice I didn’t even attempt to make an effort this time. Me being overwhelmed wasn’t enough, the dynamics of this past week(s) weren’t even distantly close, it was all about you feeling like I was resenting you….that is just OUTSTANDING!

I went out of my way to make you feel like you took a little of me/us with you and extended a lot of surprises along the way, I am still looking for the slightest bit of anything that even resembles you missing me – 

my soul is tired...

...it may look like the journey has come to an end, that is SO not the case! 2 and 1/2 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, or 2 days, honestly it all runs together, I have no idea where that past 9 years have gone, I can literally replay almost every single second, yet I can't seem to recall where my car keys are on a daily basis.

...as you can tell it's been a huge sacrifice and one that I forcefully and willingly chose, and more often lately I am reminded just how much of a whim it was made on. It doesn't change the path of the journey or even the decision, it doesn't make it less stressful, and it surely doesn't make it more bearable, it just seems to remain stuck in this manageable mode!

Do I feel bad saying that? Not a chance (it may have taken me nearly 3 years to say that aloud) but still, it is the truth and sometimes as much as it hurts to admit the truth, it is also part of the healing needed for the soul, the heart and the daily grind that goes along with all the "stuff!"

I am confident and have embraced this as a (very long) process, it is real life and shenanigans do happen. Obstacles do come up, hurdles block you or just simply block and trip you up and since I am not a sprinter and have -0- upper body strength, they trip me a little more often, but that is ok, my knees are prone now-a-days.
I think I have been eternally praying for 9 years straight now and on most days (sad to say) convinced no one is listening, no one understands, and no one is willing to truly walk beside me. It is easier to feel bad, feel sorry, or worse yet, just avoid the whole situation all together. If that makes you feel better, then I can't fault you for that, I, on the other hand have to keep that swivel oiled as I have many faces I show each day and to those who know me, know that my soul is tired, it is exhausted, and simply run down!

just part of the routine...

I had to work the weekend so my folks would be watching David.  I would be taking him down before I went to work tonight, my daughter had plans and would be staying at her dad's this weekend. My folks offered for me to come and stay when I got off work, to work and drive to sleep fast and get up to drive all the way back was a bit much, I needed a little quiet and this gave me the perfect opportunity.  I missed David terribly but they enjoyed him more!

I didn't pack much but the clothes on his back, we maintained a "normal" set-up at their house, we agreed this made David feel comfortable to have a lot of his same 'stuff' when he was there, his home away from home.
I worried when David was away from me, our home, our safety, this whole experience has intensified my security and comfort zone from a 2 to an 11.  ..sigh
My folks still smoked which was NOT a good environment for David, the doctors have even been as bold to tell them when they would visit David in the hospital.  They claimed to {now} not smoke in the house when he was there, they only smoked outside, well, fine and dandy but you STILL carry it in with you and it transfers to him, sigh, this is a never ending battle! ): one that my energy or resources can over come, at least not at this moment.

David LIT up when he saw his papa and his papa just melts, this is DEFINITELY my dad's medicine if you will.  I had a few minutes to spare before I had to head back to town to get some grub and get to work, sooo I took a seat outside, it was a beautiful day and I loved the 'back porch'.  My dad had taken David in the house to my mom and he was coming back out to visit before I had to leave.  I miss my dad, I love him so much!! 
We chatted for a little while when my mom had come outside, said she had laid David down for a nap .. I gave my salutations then I headed to work. 

daily stuff...

I woke up feeling a little better, David's good mood helped me, that smile of his is electric & those eyes, you would have to see them to believe me!
I had a few hours before I needed to get my daughter so I took David for a walk, he loved being outside and it gave me a chance to breath some fresh air and not smelly diapers..:)

David was content when we came back to play in his walker and watch a little TV and follow me around the house while I picked up and did cooking. David was like a little puppy at this stage, always under feet and mouth open, wasn't too much he did not like or would at least try.  My girl's were always picky eaters, good eaters but none the less picky, it must have been a girl thing, not used to boys and I hear they eat you out of house and home, ohh, sooo, can't wait!

I got another call/text from David's father early afternoon asking if he could come down today and see David, I agreed although it would put a bind in my schedule, make it close as far as pick up for my daughter and me leaving for work, BUT felt I needed to accommodate him when he asked, sigh...
He replied he would be at my place about 2:00 p.m. and he would have money and some formula, not the full case that should have been ready at the pharmacy, I thought strange but I would call them after he left to see what was going on since I had not gotten a call from my mom either, they usually called her since she lived in the same town as well as being listed as "next of kin".
David's father arrived a few minutes late but I was learning this meant nothing as he would still be gone within the hour visit I/we had initially agreed on.  David was still too little to "know" and was just happy to have a play-mate, their attention span was about equal so it was all good for a few minutes of quiet for me.  The hour, or less always seemed to fly by, it was that time and he was gone.  He handed me some cash and didn't mention anything about the formula as he left. 
It was yet again less than what we had talked about/agreed on, but who was I to be picky, I was at least getting something, right??

I showered while David napped since my time was going to be tight.  David must have been super tired, he slept hard, I had to wake him up to go get 'sissy' from school.  It would definitely be a pizza or burger night before I had to go to work. 
I called my mom on my way to the school and inquired about the formula.  My mom said she did receive a call from the pharmacy and had not had a chance to call me yet today.  It was only a half of a case, now that David was getting older and the WIC program would be cutting off when he is a year old, his insurance was now being changed over to his father's employer so the benefit would not be available once he reached a year old in just a few months.  My mom asked if he has paid me anything lately since she was involved in what he and my sister had agreed on prior to David being born.  I told her he gave me some last month as well as today, but it was less than what he and I had even agreed on which was a little more than what he and my sister had discussed.  He was a man of control, I saw this early and ALWAYS had my dad in my ear {as a reminder} about the kind of man he was with my sister and how I needed to always "beware". 
This was a subject that repulsed me and hated having with my folks at any time, yet I needed to have it since they were also listed as guardians and reminded me often.  I knew they would not fight me on any decision I made, any plans I discussed with David's father OR any arrangements I made, they had to have their 'say-so', I get it, no really, I GET IT!!

what's a sperm worth anyway?

How freaking slow did that night drag?  Once I came home and FINALLY got to sleep it was time to get right back up again, this was not going to be pretty.  I came home from taking my daughter to the bus stop and had a phone call from David's father, requesting me to bring him down for a visit before he went to work this afternoon, that was NOT going to happen today what so ever!  I text that I was into my work week and if he wanted to visit then he was more than welcome to come down and see him, I was about due for formula, although he was not so dependent on it anymore and some support money was due as well.  I sent the message off and then regretted it, ALWAYS check your text before you send it off, rule of thumb, right?
I got a quick response actually which said he would NOT be able to come down before work, it would just be too hectic for him, REALLY? and it wouldn't be for me?  "buffoon" I thought to myself as I worried if this would be held against me in the courts eyes...sigh

I was still SO worried about all the legalities of this whole guardianship thing and how it worked and 'what' rights he really had, I was certain they would be "nil to none" but I also know with my current job and background knowledge he could be awarded it all if he showed good efforts and turned his life around, which I was certain was not gonna happen, but feared it all the same!
I could NOT fathom my life without this little guy in it, I think I would literally go insane if he was taken away, as much as I've told myself, he is 'not' yours, he was here, in my home, in my care, and I was his guardian, awarded by the courts and I took an oath to do everything in my power to raise him as my own child and keep him safe.

I had made a rule for myself from day one to document every single contact I had with is father and the notations were already a half binder thick, this is gonna be fun {insert sarcasm}!
My dad was still 'anti-sperm donor' and I had no "real" outlet to talk about all the stuff I was dealing with as far as his father was concerned, this was something very very foreign to me, I knew of NO ONE else who was going through nor had gone through something like this ever before-Family Birth/Sudden Sickness/Tragic Death/NICU Preemie/Baby Daddy/Court fight/DNA testing/Court granted Guardianship all within a time frame of 2 weeks??  Who does that, ever?!?!  Who even {wants} to understand it all?!?! 
Again, feeling very very alone & overwhelmed..any/each one of these "excitement/grief" scenarios carries at least a few months of adjustment minimum, right, what happens when they all come at once?  I mean what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?  I'm just trying to justify to myself why on any given day I get out of bed and attempt to function for the sake of ME!!  It is pure survival at this point and where it goes from here is in god's hands!

David's ready for a morning snack and nap and I think it best I take one too!!

doing the right thing?

Last day off, it is laundry and errand day, did I miss my day of rest?  sneaky little thing always seems to be hiding from me!
I need to start thinking about purging and packing, I know I will be all alone in this process, sigh, WHERE did all this crap come from anyway?

I had the opportunity to have a long talk with my bff later that night, he put a lot in perspective for me, he also offered to help me move and get me settled into my new place, it was an offer I could not refuse, I needed all the help I could get.
I went to bed this night counting my blessings, I often feel so very alone even in a room full of people!!

I woke up to David singing and talking to himself, he was, if I can say again, a very happy baby, very little bothered him at all, unless food ran short before HE was ready to be done.  I laid in bed as long as he let me, I often think he knew my schedule better than I did...
I walked over to the crib just as he was standing up and that smile seemed to have made the early hour much more acceptable.  We got up, got fed and then relaxed while I prepped the house and David for yet another work week, my daughter would be home right after work today, we would be able to have nice dinner before I had to scoot out. 

My daughter got home, finished her homework and actually had time to eat and visit before I had to leave.  My daughter asked if I had found a place to move to, I told her I had and I would be leaving at the end of the month..her response, look was not one of disappointment but one of sadness, this crushed me, made me angry, WHY was I having to deal with such a tragedy and new little, fragile life to make a difference and I felt like it was only making my daughters "sadder" and possibly even hateful towards me, I hoped & prayed this was never the case but it definitely hurt that bad!
Not much more was said after that, she tended to David who was a little fussier than normal this afternoon and I finished getting ready to leave.

My drive to work was a wet one, in my eyes anyway-how can one person feel like 2 completely different people at the same exact time??  I was excited to move closer to my folks, yet not back to the small town I grew up in, I was relieved the girl's would not be burdened anymore, they could have their freedom back and have a {somewhat} normal teen/early adult life that they deserved, what we had gained after my divorce and prior to David, which was only less then 1.5 at this point and be given the proper time to grieve & move forward in their lives, leaving me devastated that I was moving away to try and build a life I was completely uncertain of what lied ahead for us all...
Sometimes being an adult and {trying} to do the right thing just SUCKED!!

the search is on...

We got home in time for a much needed long nap for us BOTH!  I slept till it was time to go pick up my youngest from school, a couple of hours was better than nada...It was a relax night at home, after dinner we sat and talked while she did homework and my oldest came by after work for a visit.  We all knew what I was doing tomorrow and just didn't have the energy to talk anymore about it, I felt it would be beating a dead horse.
It was bath time for David, my youngest was already up in her room and I called it "stair time" for this mama!  I sat for over 2 hours and tried to think of what the future held, where exactly was I going in this journey, just what was going to happen, what would be the ultimate outcome?  REALLY, these questions were NOT going to be answered anytime soon, I was beginning to realize that they may NEVER be answered, I needed 'for sures' how many more days could I just go through the motions and whatever happens happens?  This was SO foreign to me, yet I had no choice in ANY of it...sigh
I was finally ready for bed, I needed to take a cry, I mean a hot shower to help me relax a little more and a decent sleep I would pray for.

GOOD morning was the next thing I heard, my daughter was standing over David's crib and he was having a morning conversation with his sissy, this was the sweetest thing, it was definitely the mood booster I needed this morning! 
We got up and took my daughter to the bus stop then David and I headed to Madera where I would be on the hunt for our new residence, sigh...I arrived and was greeted by my dad at the gates, he, they were SO happy to see David, it had been a couple of weeks since they actually saw him last.  I was off on my adventure, I went by one complex and had a tour, I wanted to at least check out one more before I made my decision, it was a little closer to my folks and on the right side of town, it was a small town and the pickings were slim :)
The 2nd complex was a larger and only a mile, if that from my folks house and they offered as well as had available 3 bedroom units and upstairs like I had wanted.  It was all pretty much a done deal by the time the tour was done and the paperwork filled out. With my 30 day notice turned into my condo and the 2 week wait for this unit I would quite possibly have to stay with my folks for a week or so. 
On  my way back to pick up David I had called my guy bff, HE would know what to do, he would listen and give his advice and ALWAYS make me feel tons better about what I thought was NOT going to happen, I know, confusing, right?  He assured me it would all work out, what is meant to be will be and it always works out in the end!  I knew but needed to know at the same time.  I thanked him for the pep talk and we would talk later tonight if he was available, his reply, ALWAYS!!

David was napping when I got back to my folks, so I stuck around and sat outside with my dad while he and my mom slept and enjoyed the company.  I loved being at 'home' and was actually looking forward to being a lot closer and spending more time with my folks, I think we ALL needed to be closer to one another for more reasons than just the obvious, David!
It was time to get my daughter from the farm and drop her off at her dad's for the night, I woke David up and off we went.

my thoughts exactly..

David stayed awake after we took my daughter to the bus stop so I was praying our outing to the center would be uneventful this afternoon, I would totally be pushing for a late morning nappy pooh!
David was good with eating and lounging, he was always good about that when mama needed a little re-charge since there was NO such thing as {solid} sleep in our household anymore.  David had slept for about an hour more and that was the extent of sleep for the time being "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit"  a saying my girl's and I had :)

I had called a few complexes this morning and had told my dad I would be down tomorrow to look at some if they could watch David for me, of course they were more than accommodating which will relieve me of having to take him in and out of the car.  I had not heard from David's dad or I would have tried to make a visit all in one, but I had NO time or patience to deal with that on these days off if I didn't have to...

I loaded a bag & David and off we went, I was a tad nervous for some reason, I'm guessing the unknown of the whole program and site location.  I had heard about it, well, actually lived across the street from the school many, many years prior and knew it was a facility for delayed children so it will be interesting to see the services they offer and the children they accommodate. 
We arrived and were greeted outside by David's worker, he helped me in with David and got us signed in, release forms in hand and off we went into the "play" room.  It was a padded room filled with all sorts of obstacles, age appropriate for David of course, for children whom were not quite walkers yet not full crawlers, if that makes sense at all!  David seemed to be happy and when he was set down, he was really wanting to explore, hence, the purpose of the room.  We were in this room for about 25 minutes then it was activity time in the "infant" room, we walked over the other side of the school into a classroom type setting with little wooden tables and little wooden high chairs, everything was even smaller than what you would see in a kindergarten classroom.
We were invited to eat lunch with the class after some basic floor activities.  David roamed around and liked all the blocks and loose toys.  There were 4 other infants in the room with us, they gathered them all up and placed them all in the high chairs as lunch was on it's way.  David was anxious, he was NO stranger to lunch or snack times.  It was kind of strange for me to NOT be involved in feeding or taking care of him, but I was asked to fill out some more paperwork while David was eating and was assured the staff would keep a watchful eye on him, plus I'm certain they wanted to see how he reacted without me by his side for their observation {reports} etc...
David was 10 months old now and he was very active, he had NO lack of energy, that is for sure.  I was there ALL the time and was very afraid to leave his side, a protective thing, a fear thing, I really don't know but to leave his side without my "safety"/comfort people with him, was foreign and a bad feeling for me.

Our time at the center was over, we loaded up and prepared to leave, we set another appointment time for 2 weeks from now, I would give the program a few more tries and see how David reacted on a second visit and with me observing from another room. This was a free service provided to us so it could only be a benefit David at this point was my reasoning.
I had called my oldest daughter to tell her about our appointment and she requested to go with me the next time to see what it was about, she was certain David did NOT need this service and feared he would be adversely affected by the 'other' children at the center.  David was too young to know there was even a difference, it was a social thing for him I believe at this age although I had thought the same thing to myself. 

pull em' up

I pondered all day and most of the night about my decision to move closer to my folks so I could relieve the girl's and have the {steady} help I needed with David.  My oldest was already out and the youngest was spending a lot more time at her dad's, this broke my heart and I knew the toll this was taking on them, I worried it was coming between us, felt it already had and before the damage was irreversible I needed to make things easier for them.  This SUCKED!

I would tell my daughter today that I had made my decision and give my 30 day notice.  My folks were happy I was moving closer and David's father seemed to be happy but gave nothing further. 
My daughter had farm duty after school so when I picked her up I would tell her on our drive home, it was pizza night since as soon as we got home, I would drop them off and head straight to work, it was Friday, I'm looking forward to having some quiet days off.

My daughter seemed sad with a look of relief in her eyes when I told her I had decided that moving was going to be my best option for David at this stage, I told her I would be looking for a 3 bedroom apartment and would love her to move with me but understood at the same time I could not ask her to change schools this late in the game.  I told her I wanted no bad feelings and made sure she understood why I needed to move, she said she knew and understood with the look that said "please don't go mom!" which killed me and put me in a bad place for the entire night.  My oldest was upset but was kind of out of the game anyway at this point, she was in full grief mode, which we all should have been, along with her busy teenage/pre-adult life!

My night seemed to creep by at work, it's not like I had NOTHING on my mind, right??  I had forgotten about David's meeting at the center tomorrow afternoon.  His worker had asked us to come to the center so we could get a feel for or see just how David would respond to some mild social interaction as well as access to more resources for his "play" activities. 
I am tired, feeling physically and mentally worn out and it was looking like there was NO relief in site, so I knew it was going to be a set of days off I would need to pull out my big girl panties and pull them up HIGH and just forge on!

cry baby

I checked in as always, my daughter seemed a little bit flustered and said David was fussier than usual and wasn't settling down as easily as he usually does.  I questioned if he was breathing o.k., if he had eaten, been changed and then suggested she give him a warm bath, water always seemed to calm him down for some reason.
I know she was a little more annoyed than usual with my questions/suggestions and took it that she did not have the ability to take care of him in actuality it was me feeling WAY guilty that I was leaving her alone to have to deal with the situation while I was at work, it was an extremely difficult thing for me and at most times like this, I needed to block it out and just move forward.

I worried so much when I was away from the house, away from him and worried even more about the girls and how this has taken it's toll on them. WHAT was I going to do?  I thought more about moving back to town with my folks, well, not WITH them, but in the same town so I could give the girls their freedom back and have the relief I needed in the same town and not be away from him for 3 days at a time BUT means I would be away from my girls all the time and the time I DID not have with them would be cut even more, I wanted to scream, so instead I cried, at work and had to re-focus..fast!

Besides Jules and Amanda I had a great bff, a guy bff no less, it was the safest guy friend I could have asked for, we were peas in a pod, he was married hence the 'safe' part and the most faithful man I was convinced NEVER existed.  I needed some help with the decision, Jules & Amanda were with me on the "help" part and didn't really give to much insight on my daughters, it was more on what "I" needed and what was best for David, sigh...HE on the other hand was there to listen and give great pep talks when I would cry about missing my girls. We worked together so he would check in frequently and we would have some nice "hall" talks as he would try to straighten out my bad attitude, I felt safe to have one with him and he totally understood!  There was not a whole lot of ME time now-a-days so when it came to relationships, there was just NO time that was just the way it had to be, it was WAY to complicated and I could not devote my "soul" time to anyone other than my girls, especially now with David, a newborn with some pretty complicated circumstances!

Needless to say when I came home my daughter was asleep on the couch with David on her chest, I started to cry, I knew she had a rough night and her sleep was not the best nor was David's.  I put my stuff away, carefully moved him to his bed upstairs where he didn't even flinch and covered her up and left her be, her alarm would be going off in 3 hours anyway. 

David slept all the way till my daughter came in to get me up to take her to the bus, he was starving by the time we got back from the 5 minute round trip drop off and was NOT a happy camper.  His eating schedule was a little off but luckily he ate and went back down for almost another 2 hours which 'really' screwed up the afternoon naptime...sigh...



   

is there any other way

Coffee was brewing and I put David in his chair, he loved his vibrating bouncy chair and the dancing fishies, he laughed and bounced and laughed some more, I LOVED the sound of his little laugh{s} thus proving, again, just how happy he was!

I had some laundry to catch up on and some house cleaning to do and hopefully sneak a little nap in before I had to go to work.  David's father had called and wanted to know if he could come by and drop off some formula, I had forgotten it was about that time again.  I told him it would be fine and that it would be much appreciated if he could also drop off a check as well, I was needing more diapers and supplies, he agreed and said he would be there right after lunch, I agreed since David's nap was closer to 10:30 and he woke up at lunchtime. 
I was not at the comfy level with him hanging around while David slept, I was just still feeling the water, I was not scared, just again knew NOTHING about this man and had only been given some 'bad ju-ju'.

David's father showed up right on cue, David was waking up, I let him sleep downstairs on the couch while I cleaned and did some laundry, David's father was happy to see him and came bearing formula, diapers and a small check.  I HATED this part of it and was SO not into asking for things, EVER!  We had agreed on $250 since that is what he was giving my sister, or what they had agreed upon after she moved out of his home. They tried to live together for 1 short, very short month when she was about 7 months along, needless to say she was soon back with our folks and he was buying baby furniture for their house and had agreed with her assistance that he would pay her $250 a month for support and supplies that the aide would not provide. 
The check was $100 short, I think he could tell by the look on my face, he immediately interjected "I bought some diapers, formula and food I know you will need" I mustered a reply, "thank you" and left it be, HOW could I not possibly argue this fact when I knew damn well I should have!!  I SO would have if it was my own child's father....sigh
David was sitting playing with his father on the floor as I stacked the case of formula, put the food away and took the diapers upstairs.  I rarely left them in the room alone but felt safe in my own home, I dared him to try ANYthing in my safe places.  I needed a few seconds to decompress, I wanted to yell to him, the formula is FREE, the food is $.25 a jar and 1 case of diapers is $24.99, but I did it in my head and became grateful realizing I only had 6 diapers left.  I self-talked that this was extra help and I was really NOT spending a lot out of my pocket at this point, all the services we received were free and/or no cost out of pocket to me...STILL, a deal is a deal!  I remember thinking as I walked back downstairs, is this an indication of what is to come?
He stayed nearly 45 minutes and said he would look forward to seeing us in 2 weeks, I thought to myself, your regular scheduled visit is this coming Saturday, but I had NO energy to say anything more and would just make note of this visit and mark my calendar for next Saturday, of course keeping the dates I/we had {originally} already agreed upon marked and just keep my records in order, 18years of notation, this will be one helluva Guinness record :)

On a positive note, I have to say that since it might not be, I will get no nap today before I go in, I will have to drive all the way to the farm to pick up my daughter and by the time we return I will need to fix dinner, shower and head to work.
I sat at the computer and notated the visit today and summarized the doctor's appointments/phone calls, etc then headed out the door, here we go, off and running, FULL speed ahead!

run around

Our in home visit was bright and early, this time it was 9 a.m. and they were always "johnny on the spot".  We were up and ready barely, but with coffee in hand I was happy to see David having another good interaction with the his worker and his assistant. Their hour had seemed to have gone by quick this visit but non the less they were soon gone and I found myself sitting on the stairs not realizing David was on the floor, playing as content as can be and obviously not missing me at that particular moment, he was in his own little happy world!

I finally got moving, I had a few phone calls yet to make, one being to the Audiology department and the other to David's pediatrician, David was still not breathing like I would have like him to, no distress per-say, just not 'right'. 
The Audiology department didn't have a whole lot of information, they told me he had some hearing loss in the right ear {knew that!}the test reading showed it seemed to have been blocked with fluid so they would need to re-test in 3 months when he was a little older and some of the fluid drained away o.k.??  Uhhhh, how did it get there and how do I get rid of it was my first question..I was given that it could have been caused by him being on his side for a long period of time and it will just dissipate..o.k.??  I left it at that, I ran out of energy for that battle rather quickly!
I moved on to task #2, I as getting good at lists and checking things off.  I spoke with the nurse and told her my concerns with David's breathing, I asked if he was too young for an inhaler and she said she thought he may be but she would ask the doctor and she would call me back.
I really loved this new doctor, within the half hour I received a call back and not just from the nurse but from the doctor himself.  He was {way} old, quite possibly could have been MY pediatrician if it applied, he had the bedside manner of an angel, our very first appointment to his office was right after their lunch, I arrived a few minutes early and he was the one who greeted us at the door, and grabbed a file and took us back, I was won over from day one!
The doctor said he thought {also} David was still too small/young for an inhaler, especially on the heels of being weened off the high dose antibiotics for the Valley Fever exposure.  He suggested we do the warm, sultry, steamy showers and give him Tylenol for the fever and the cough will just have to work itself out and if needed I could bring him in to the office for an oxygen level check or take him to the hospital, that was always viable option..."viable option" since when did taking your child to the hospital seem like a viable option, a general topic of conversation?  It just seemed WAY to bizarre for me but on the same note, it was something that made total sense.

Dinner time was approaching and it seemed like I had been on the phone all day.  My daughter came home followed by my oldest and they kept David busy while I threw something together for dinner.  We had a nice conversation as always, baths soon followed with bedtime rituals and before I knew it, the house was quiet and I was, of course, wide awake, dammit! 
I could hear David breathing from my 'stair chair' and went to check on him, he seemed restless so I picked him up and laid down on my bed with him, that always seemed to calm him down, the skin to skin contact and I know the sound of my heartbeat, it built up from our bonding time that I'm still SO thankful for the nurses suggestion and forced hand at making it happen when he was in NICU.

I was apparently a little more tired than I had thought I was, I woke up to David stirring because he was hungry, my initial thought was OMG, this will be a long night until I looked over at the clock it said it was nearly 5 a.m. WHAT??  where the heck did the last 7 hours go?  NO complaints here, he was fed, we took my daughter to the bus stop when she was up and ready and we came home for a quick nap before I started my day and mentally prepared for going back to work tonight.

FINALLY

Julie left after a couple of hours, my oldest had gone back to her dad's and my youngest had fallen asleep with David on the couch, this was a site that made my heart smile, it was very heavy and needed this little lift.

I had David's infectious disease appointment tomorrow so I would for sure ask him about the coughing and maybe they could suggest an over the counter medication for him if they cleared us from the antibiotic.  David seemed to be doing a little better but when I moved him to his own bed it seemed he was still uneasy, so of course I got no sleep listening to and worrying about him. 
I got up about 3 a.m. and went for some water, it was about time for a feeding so I prepared a bottle while I was down stairs, I came back up and forced a feeding so we could get back to sleep.  David was responsive, ate and fell right back asleep in my arms, I left him there and just slid down onto my pillows and we seemed to have slept for the rest of the night without interruption.

I got up bright and early, to take my daughter to the bus stop then came home to shower for the appointment, I was hopeful he would give me the news I wanted to hear this morning.  David was in a good mood and seemed to be breathing better, of course he was, kids always got better it seemed when you were taking them to be seen for their aliments :)
I got David bathed and ready in between my time, he sat in his chair and watched me until I was done, he had to be close to me if not at my feet lately no matter where I was in the house.  I was finally ready and off we went, we got to the hospital just a few minutes before our appointment and as always the front girls were SO excited to see David and scooped him right up.  We went to our room and waited patiently for the doctor to come in, he was really good about his timing.  David was ALL smiles and he was happy to see that. He did a quick exam with David, he heard the chest/breathing and although it concerned him he still let me know that we were FREE to stop using the antibiotic and he felt certain David was Valley Fever free and what exposure he did have in the womb was out of his system and should lead a healthy life from here on out. THIS was what I was waiting to hear for the last 9 months, man was this music to my ears {and heart}. I thanked him SO much for all his care and concern and that I appreciated everything he did for us and the special care he gave to David, he put a stern hand on my shoulder and said your very welcome and BIG kudos to you to kiddo!  awww now he was going to make me cry, this time good tears..
After our brief exchange I asked what he thought about the breathing and he said it sounded a little tight to him but said follow-up with his pediatrician for an over the counter or possibly even an inhaler at this point since it seems to be a normal thing and most likely inherited thing for this little guy. 
I again thanked him and we were free to go, the girls up front were sad they would not be seeing us anymore but much happier he was all better, we had a little tearful farewell with them as well.

We came home and I laid David down for his nap, he was pooped.  I made some phone calls and let my folks, my sister and my daughter know he was clear and free, he responded well to the antibiotics and was free of any form of the Valley Fever he had been exposed to in her womb, it was bittersweet that is for sure.  My youngest daughter called to say she was staying after school so I took this opportunity and snuck a little nap as well.
We had another first five home visit tomorrow, I was also able to call and get into the pediatrician's office as well, another busy day to look forward to {insert sarcasm}.

My daughter got a ride home and was happy about the news we got from the doctor visit today.  We ate some dinner and had a 'relax' night, she finished up some homework and David and I played on the front room floor for a few hours until it was time to go to bed.  I wasn't tired so I came back down after I put David to bed, I was a little restless for some reason, I couldn't quite pin-point it, so I flipped channels, sat on the patio, sat on the stairs, ate some ice-cream then I was ready for bed, ice-cream always helps melt the bad thoughts away!

help...

My mom made the comment that David is such a good eater, it was hard to tell he was a preemie at one time. Time continues to move forward, I can hardly believe David is nearly 9 months old, how can that be possible? He is sitting up strong, wants to rock on his knees and hates his swing, he is still a little peanut and weighs nothing at all yet eats me out of house and home.

I was glad to pick him up from my folks, I missed him and barely slept knowing as soon as I woke up I could go get him and bring him back home, we would sleep good tonight.  I was expecting my daughter home this evening as well, it definately put a little `pep` in my step.  I would be running again on my days off, we had our {hopeful} final appointment with the infectious disease dr as well as another first five in home meeting and then I would be hoping to hear from valley children's audiology department.
I got to my folks house and found David asleep in his crib, my mom said he had been asleep for almost 3 hours, seemed a little long for his afternoon schedule but if he was up coughing all night it made sense. I had urged them to make every effort to keep him on the schedule we had worked so hard to put him on with all our crazy comings and goings, they made a good effort...
My dad had wanted to talk to me since David was sleeping so him and I went to the back patio to sit and 'chat'.  My dad said he planned to put a mobile home on the back of their acres and he would like to know if this is something I would be up for, they were my main source of help with the girls SO busy with school, their farm responsibility and work and although I absolutely despized the thought of EVER moving back to this small town I grew up in, felt like a prisoner in, it would be something I just may have to consider in the near future..sigh..sooo I let my dad finish, it is what you just have to do, I would have to ponder the rest when I had more free time, yeah right!!

My mom came out with a little bundle of joy in her arms and I knew the moment I saw him what was happening.  David was having some difficulty breathing yet still had a smile on his little face, I think he was happy to see me.  I stayed for just a little bit longer and then gathered his things and I headed home, both girls would be there when I came home and dinner hopefully done :)
David seemd to have coughed a lot on the way home and now I was worried, is this reeally what my days off were going to consist of? we had WAY to much to do and the thought of even having a day off where I did nothing, well, that seemed to be a thing of the past.  I got home and the girls were very excited to see him and they noticed right away he was having some trouble breathing, they were not happy and of course feared we would end up right back in the hospital.  I assured them he would be fine once he had a nice warm bath and some of their love!

The girls had picked up dinner, as we ate David sat in his walker and seemed to have perked up a little and wasn't coughing nearly as much.  Dinner was done, the girls wanted to bath him and get him ready for playtime and bed so I cleaned the kitchen and let them have some time with David.  I, of course, was now in "think" mode and what my dad said 'did' make sense, but I don't think I was so convinced, I mean the commute was not that bad, I did miss David when he was there, but it did give us all a little break, was it going to be 'that' damaging to him to be around his  grandparents parital time and then us the other times? It scared me to death to have to think of the fact that my girls would NOT be with me, I would be moving alone with David, they had school, farm, college and work that there was NO way I could ask them to A-put on hold or B-expect that they would give up just to move away with me...they were already away from me once in the beginning of the divorce, I was not so sure I was up for this again and with even bigger stakes it seemed.
O.K. I was making myself sick and I had barely scratched the surface of this topic, I needed a long hot shower...my brain was going to explode!  I called Julie, she came right over, we sat on the patio and had a good chitty-chat..

I was definitely going to need some help and guidance with this decision, there was NO getting around that.

it's a job!

Work was work, if there wasn't a shooting or a stabbing then it was a slow night, you take phone call after phone call and keep your freedom of speech to yourself.  If by chance you happened to be on the radio when someone was fatally injured then you access their life as if there was not one to begin with and move on, your shift is over, you log off and you go home, simple as that, right?  right!
It is a stress you laugh about, there is NO way you can take it personal, ever, it would literally be the death of YOU if you thought too long and hard about any of it.  You learn to block out the 'mental' picture and find peace within your soul to know that you did everything you could to help the person on the other end, a person you will never see, a person you will never know and a person you may be standing next to in the gorcery store the next day, you have to know you did what you were trained to do at the end of the day. 
NOW, that is not to say you will have that call, hear that one voice that will stick with you from time to time or maybe even longer, but it is the job and you build, over time, a resistance to hearing such horrible things, imagining the worst possible scenarios and for me it makes me appreciate SO much what I have within my family and my own children.

I had checked in on David shortly before his bedtime and all was well.  I was looking forward to going home and crashing for lack of better terms, this was going to be an epic sleep and I was a litte excited..not much did that now a days so I was willing to take whatever I could get :)
The house was dark &quiet, it made for some GREAT {initial} sleep, 2 hours I think it was, I woke as if I had slept for 12 hours, looked at the clock and wanted to shot myself in the foot, no really, literally! I got up, went to the bathroom and laid back down begging for sleep until tears rolled down my eyes and then it hit me, I was alone, no one to get up and care for and my emotions were coming whether I liked it or not, it was bizarre, I could NOT stop crying. It seemed to have lasted, well, I don't know how long it lasted because the next thing I knew it was nearly 2 p.m. I had slept for almost 8 hours straight and woke up as if I had NO clue where I was.
This was crazy, could I not be alone anymore, was I afraid, had I forgotten, did I not know how to handle myself when there was nothing going on?  I felt really out of place and I was in my OWN home, I was not liking the way this made me feel, I needed a repreave not confinement!

I finally rolled out of bed and showered as it was that time again, at least it was my friday and I would be getting David back tomorrow night from my folks.  I packed my lunch, checked in with the girls and my folks and off to work I went. 
My mom had told me David was coughing a lot today and but seemed to be eating o.k. and slept the most of the day, I asked if he had a fever and she said he did not, so I was a little less worried but knew their smoking was not fairing to well for him.  They didn't smoke in the house but might as well had since it was ALL over their clothing and everything they touched including him ): as much as this worried and frustrated me I had no other alternative care so I would just prepare myself and make him better on my days off!

for the love of...

Just like clock work David was hungry and was ready to be fed once we arrived and I stopped the car.  While they all "coo'd" over him and cried I let his father take him out of his seat while I prepared his bottle.  David was overwhelmed and was focused on me and is bottle, that made me feel good at the same time making me feel bad, it was weird.  I gave the bottle to his father and he started the feeding while the others stood over him as if they didn't know what to do, the house was small and I was feeling a little cramped.  David's father was done with the feeding about half way through the bottle and turned him over to me, he got a little further this time and I wondered if it was a show for the present company, either way, it was a better attempt this go `round.
The visit was over, I stayed a little later since there were guests and I knew this was probably the one and only time they would see David, they were friends with my sister, they spent a lot of time with her and saw her through her entire pregnancy, so it was only fitting, I considered it my gift to them.

I had called my dad when I was headed out to their place, it was a whopping 4 minute drive if that but none the less he was waiting outside for me when I drove up.  I was tired, the lack of sleep and my emotions were creeping up on me. My folks were excited to see us and to have David for a couple of days, I was more exicted to be able to get some decent sleep.  I stayed for just a short time since I had to get back home and ready for work, I had two more days left on this sentence then I would be back to get him on my days off.

I made it home in time to make my lunch and out the door, I was cutting it REALLY close.  My daughter was not at home yet but would be staying at her dad's which she did more frequent when David was not at our house.  I missed her but know it was good time away for us all, there was just not nearly enough "alone" time for any of us since this whole mess started, mess I say because is just simple there is not any other nice word I could muster up to describe it!

Work was work and I was able to have a little time in the middle of the night, where NOW I did all my 'stuff' that needed to be done, I needed to put together that latest of my conversation's with David's father and fill in my calendar with the remaining dates I had scheduled for his visitations.  This was proving to be a book-keeper's nightmare, but for this OCD mama I needed to have some good proof, back-up if you will of exactly WHAT was said and done in regards to this little boy whom I have been entrusted to care for and raise as my own.
RAISE AS MY OWN?  for the love of god..did I just think that..he is SO not my flesh and blood or my DNA, he is my nephew I am raising in honor of my sister, he will and can never be thought of as mine, that would be a horrible dishonor to my sister..ok, ok, no more of that nonsense!

responsibility...

I came home just in time to hear the whimper from upstairs and my daughter confirming it was me so she could roll back over, "yes honey, it's me!"
I dropped my bag and headed to the kitchen to make a bottle and head upstairs where I found David with a huge smile on his face and he was rolling over and playing with his feet, he was hungry, I made it just in time :)
He was holding his bottles pretty well so I propped him up in my bed and got ready for bed so when he was done we would go right back to sleep for a few hours, he was always good about going back down.

Sleep was not going to happen today, I had a visit but knew since David was going to be with my folks I could sleep when I came home from work and sleep uninterrupted quite possibly until I had to go back in, ohhh the thought of that has me a little excited! I let David nap for his mid-morning nap while I got a small bag ready for our visit, when we got there it would be his  lunchtime.  I always made the visits around a feeding in case his father wanted to 'bond' or partake in any of the process, he gave a good effort but usually gave it right back, I felt like I needed to keep the option open so I could say "I tried"..this as ALL other processes and communication were well documented so I had proof if something was ever said in court, I had my own opinions on how things would continue to play out as well as the bigger seed my dad had planted.

David woke up and off we went, I had called my cousin mid drive to make sure she was going to be there for our visit and she anxiously said she would be.  My cousin was having a hard time with the death of my sister, we all were, but for her it went to a whole nother level, I know she feels responsible and for that fact she wishes it was her that had died and not my sister. I was always the one who could get her to talk, answer her phone when no one else knew where she was or what was going on. 
We had our children a month apart, my daughter then her son, they were cute little toe-heads and cute to see together, although we were not around a lot, they had a blast when we got them together.  She subsequently went through a divorce a lot sooner than I had and relied on me from time to time to watch her son when she had things to do or in most cases be gone for days on end ):  this went on for a couple months, her dad would always call me on the 2nd day and simply say "do you have the baby" my standard reply was "yes, he is with me" the phone would go silent and he would tell me if I needed ANYTHING to just call and of course thank you! 
I was having a baby shower for my then sister-in-law and I had the 'baby' {4 yrs old now} when I had made her promise to pick him up by the time the shower started, he had already been here 1 day too long as it was. The guests started to arrive and he was anxious for his mom, he was a child that was extremely hard to settle down, as if he was afraid to get comfortable in one spot, broke my heart in pieces to see such a young life being SO negatively affected. 
My house was full and the party was in full swing, food..done cake..done we were moving onto gifts when the doorbell rang, I looked at my guest of honor {she knew the story} and excused myself for a moment and went to the door, I opened it barely and stepped thru to the security screen door to find her sitting on my bench, "sorry I'm late" I said "me too".. I had not quite decided what I was going to do or what I would say for that fact as this had gone on long enough, it just came out when I saw her face/appearance, I told her "you can go back home, he is not leaving with you, I'm keeping him here tonight" she looked at me barely and said "o.k. with a long pause then thank you" she knew I knew and that is all that needed to be said.  As soon as I shut the door he came running with excitement from playing in the bedroom with the girl's and wanted to know "was that my mommy?"  I swollowed big, rubbed his little blonde head and said "no baby it wasn't, you get to spend one more night with us!"  I had to excuse myself from my guests {again} and compose myself.  I had called my uncle and told him what had happened in case she said something and he assured me she would not and he was in FULL agreeance with what I had said/done and was he proud of me, then why do I feel like complete SHIT?!?!?!?!

When my sister was first in the hospital she was not there, she appeared the 3rd into the 4th day and barely left my side, she was beside herself with NOT knowing what to do but whatever I needed she had it and was willing to do whatever I needed to be done.  When my sister past she was briefly in the room with me and my daughter, she disappeared shortly after and I mean literally, no one heard from her in nearly 5 days, I'm sure it was a 'binge' none of us wanted to know about.  On the one visit my folks and sister and I took to go up to see David my Aunt and Uncle both had called me asking If "I" had heard from her, I said no and felt bad I wasn't aware she had been MIA, they asked if I would call her to just make sure she was o.k., of course I would. 
I called her and left a message and before I could put my phone away she was calling me back.  I asked if she was o.k., I didn't want to know anything else, I was just worried about her, she said she was o.k. and she would come see me in a couple of days if I was still at my folks house, I told her I would LOVE to see her and I needed her with me, to get me through this, full on knowing I was the one SHE needed more!  I told her I loved her and I would let her go, she thanked me for calling and checking on her, extremely bittersweet!!  I made return phone calls to her parents and let them know she was o.k. and nothing more was said.

I arrived at David's father's house to find my cousin waiting outside to greet me, she was over come with tears, hugged me and then scooped David up in his car seat and we headed in the house.  She assured me it was only one other gal friend of theirs and her older cousin {I knew} that were here and no one else would be showing up, I felt a little better once I saw her and knew who the company consisted of.  

making it work

I got David bathed and dressed just in time, the doorbell rang, it was playtime, well, he thought that anyway. They could not get over just how social he was at 8 months now, always has a smile and is always playful. The visit was just shy of 45 minutes and today they did some basic signs for babies, I had expressed to them last visit that I had wanted to, prior to even knowing about the hearing loss, teach him sign language, so they thought this a perfect opportunity to engage in this skill, it was win-win for me also, I could be taught & learn at his level..David was doing well and was always attentive to his worker. We scheduled another meeting for 3 weeks, the worker eluded to the fact that he thought David would benefit greatly from their in house services at the learning program they provided in a school setting, this would be up for discussion when he turned a year old, it was something to think about and he invited us to come by anytime to visit the school.
Was David a special needs child?  OR could it truly be just his hearing loss?  Is it the fact he was initially signed up with WIC/Medi-Cal and the First Five program?  These services were appreciated but I was not so convinced they were needed, I guess since they are free and they are not harming him in any way at this point, I will comply and know it will look good on paper for me in the eyes of the court system.

David's father had text during the visit, I got/returned the message after I had laid David down for a nap.  He was wanting to know how our trip was an when he would be able to see David again, I text him I would be available this coming Saturday {our normal schedule visit anyway} as I would be bringing David to my folks house to spend the night with them since I worked this weekend.  He agreed and asked if I would please bring him by and asked if a few friends of his could also meet David, I asked what friends and all he replied was a few people that knew your sister. I was NOT keen on this at all, I knew better to NOT tell my folks and made darn sure before my visit that my cousin would be present, as much as she was the go between and caused some problems she was the only one I trusted as I knew she would let NOTHING happen to me or this little guy, EVER!!  She was a year older than I was but always had my back, in high school, not that I needed it but always made sure she said "hi" to me and all my friends knew her friends and her friends knew who I was, it was nice to have 'some' recognition when you are a puny freshman..

I laid down on the couch to rest while David was asleep, have I mentioned what a good sleeper he is?  He slept for almost 2 1/2 hours and this was music to my sleepy eyes, he woke up and it was time for me to get ready for work.  I made a quick dinner for him and my daughter and off I went, duty calls I always joked as I left the house and with a little peck for her and him, I was out the door.
I always checked on them once I got settled in at work and didn't hear to much from them the rest of the night, they were usually down just a few hours after I left anyway and David was sleeping through the night, well, until I came home then he was back down until about time to take my daughter to the bus stop, it was a pretty decent schedule we had and after the initial 'break-down' with my youngest daughter all was working well with school and homework. 
David was spending a day or two at my folks house when I worked weekends so that the girls could have some "free" time, teenage time I liked to call it, it seemed only fair and made them appreciate him more when they had him. I didn't like him being away from home, but knew my folks missed him as well and they had a room set up for him that was just like the one at our house, we were very fortunate, when we got duplicate/similar gifts it allowed us to keep each house supplied, it was a god send that we had been so blessed.  I missed him dearly when he was gone but missed my sleep more when he was here!