I have always considered myself an optimistic person, yet sometimes I have been convinced the glass is always half empty..I saw this today and it made me reflect on a comment David made just the other day!

He was heading outside to play and asked if he could have something to drink and take it outside, I had a half empty, excuse me, half full bottle of water that I gave him to take with him, as he took it, looked at it and then turned to me and said "mom, this is almost half gone!" I had a rush of the mouth that wanted to lash back and tell him that his glass will ALWAYS be half full and never look at it to be half empty or gone..

"the wisest of (wo)men should heed their own advice" right?!  Have a great day and enjoy a little reflection!


skating fever!

I pretty sure we don't give David as much credit as he deserves sometimes .. we take him skating all the time, every weekend, most of the time Friday, Saturday and Sunday!
David has a few little buddies that go skating and he is SO excited when they are all there at the same time~he has this one boy he just idolizes, he wants to be like him so bad, David follows him around doing his tricks and stunts~if I might add he keeps up very well, David might even be surpassing his skills :)
This boy is being raised by his grandparents, his mother is in the picture but is not around for daily care (I don't know the entire story). Last night David asked me where this boys mother was "why is he always here with his grandma? did his mom die too?" I told him she did not die "she can't take care of him so he wanted to live with his grandma and grandpa!" David looked a little confused and said "oh" soooooo she is not died like my mother Tanya is, right?!" I said, "No, she is not..." well mom, "then why did my fodder die too?" I told him, "he was sick David, and..." David interrupted me and asked "they could take care of me and they loved me, they just died right?" Yes, that is right son, "O.K. and you and daddy always wanted a boy like me so that is why I came to live with you, right mom, right?!" Absolutely son, ABSOLUTELY!

I know I have recited his curiosity before, his inquisitions, wonders, concerns but each time they pull just a little harder on my, on our heart strings ~ I can't tell you why, and the answer is always the same, I guess I worry he needs the confirmation, but why, he did not suffer the loss I have suffered, he truly knows no other, I can't put my finger on it ~ maybe some day it will all come together, maybe I am anticipating too much and expecting way less?!



only a little sad..

 I read a post this morning from a dear friend who has REALLY been through it, face it, we all have at one time or another in our lives, anyone who will not own up to it is either A-fibbing (and totally shorting yourself the lessons) or B-making a difference because of it!

It is the little things and the bigger picture I personally like to look at ~  I like to reflect on the little things I have done for myself as well for others, I try to see the bigger impact it will have down the road and pray it will have more affect on them than it did for me, is this what we call paying it forward?

What do they say? "the past is the past because it is gone, the present is a gift from God so make today count?"

It must be needing a friend day, I read and engaged in another post with an old school friend and as she confirmed she has had some bumps the last few years she also confessed she has had to change her ways of thinking to find her blessings and  peace. I countered with; our old ways of thinking, believing and living may not have been what we thought them to be, we are never too old to re-think the possibilities of a life we never thought we could have ~ this may include a loss, a death, a divorce and whatever to whomever, it is still a step forward to realize and acknowledge that change can make a difference, and that you have to make that first step, is this what we call Life's Lessons?

A recently widowed LEO (law enforcement officer (wife) posted that she was obviously still having a hard time dealing with the sudden loss of her husband, killed on duty and hour before he was to get off work. The post continued saying how cruel it was of some people to (want to) befriend a widowed woman and how she should delete most of these people, it is like slowing down on the freeway to see what happened on a crash site, you slow down because you want to know ever little detail but there is no way in hell you want to be any part of it!  
As a fellow LEO wife I can not imagine, I have the pleasure of being on her friend's list yet I can't offer much more than that, I can't offer any words of advice as I have never experienced such a loss and would not want to. I can offer my understanding of being married to someone who upholds the highest integrity, honesty and passion for saving human lives as he puts his on the line each night he leaves his family to do what he has been trained to do ~ he's not only risking his life, he is risking his families as well, if he returns home it is a gift, if he does not return home it is not just a loss of his life, a part of his entire family dies as well! It is what he signs up to do and it is what we sign up to do as their spouses ~



the time has come . . .

...he questions me from time to time and they seem to be as innocent as he is but lately they have gotten a little more intense, and I think it is just me feeling the pressure and him being curious as well as very observant!

I was closing down shop, getting ready for bed .. getting some extra love & hugs from my little man when I started to take my nightly medication ..
Me-getting meds out of the cupboard (David’s aid case falls)
D-OH I have been looking for those…
Me-what son?
D-my hearing aids mom…
Me-you have? Since when?
D-since I can’t hear, duh! He is cracking himself up…I’m supposed to wear it like I do at school…
Me-I know, I’ve been telling you that (he interrupts me) HERE IT COMES~
D-Mom, why did god make me like this?
Me-like what son?
D-you know, special…
Me-he made you very special, you are a very special little boy…(he has THAT look)
D-NO MOM, tell me, please tell me why he made me so I can’t hear??!!
Me-speechless... But O.K. …god makes everyone special, he just choose to make you extra special…
D-what do you call me?
Me-I call you my little angel… (he’s confused) & we are obviously NOT on the same page…
D-NO MOM, what do you call it because I can’t hear?? Like I am disappointed errrr something?!
Me-are you trying to say disability?
D-YES, that is what they say I have at school, because I am “death” in my ear and I have to wear the hearing aid in class to hear my teachers…
Me-(mama bear mode now) do people make fun of you at school??
D-no, my teachers say it is OK to have a disability that is why they help me in my class and I see Mr. R on Monday’s and get treats…
Me-I love you son…& I am very proud of you (that is all I could muster up after this 15 minute talk)

I guess the talks will come whether I/we are prepared or not…I just wish I had a script and not like I need to know what to tell him because I will never lie to him or hide the truth, I may talk on "his" terms of understanding but I would never lead him to believe something that was or was not what it seemed or for that fact was meant to be! 



...is it truly possible for grief to never, ever go away completely? I thought the 8 or 10 steps one experiences helps the process move along..I mean you still miss them terribly each and every second of each and every day but the grief itself, when does it subside? I know I am banging my head into the wall with this question and I know I probably don't want the true answer, but at the same time, I NEED ANSWERS DAMMIT!
I have always told myself that I never had time to grieve, the process was too long and I had to much to do, I mean I had just gained a newborn literally over night, where would I have ANY time at all, for anything, now OR in the {near} future?
Maybe I am making a little progress, I don't cry every single day anymore, just on special occasions and days he reminds me of her, and I still celebrate her birthday with him with balloons and cupcakes. I can better handle my emotions on {most} days I know have significance but the days that don't I feel completely out of control (today was one of them) and I can't even explain it, there is nothing to blame it on, NOTHING special about today at all other than I miss her & the hurt is deep!
I have been having overwhelming urges (I always have, they are just bad for some reason lately) to see her, speak to her, have her near me, touch and hug her, why isn't he enough, he is literally her twin....is it a life time commitment I'm not willing to spend a life time on perhaps or perhaps it would be better if I was able to completely grieve and accept the lose, move forward without ever looking back, but would I really want to do that, never ever looking back, would that mean I would have lost our last days, hours, minutes and seconds together as I was by her side, these, the most precious memories that I am left with?
I live with a deepened emptiness every single day, I live with the extreme pain of my loss as well as his, I live with the fact that I have not grieved and I fear it is slowly killing me inside, it has been nearly 8 years now, why does it still seem like it was yesterday I rode that elevator at least 6 times before I could step foot off which meant I had to accept she was really gone!

When does grief turn into to sorrow, are they one in the same? I cannot pretend that neither one exist, am I ashamed I still feel the gravity pull? To deal with it I first must acknowledge it, to love her is to live with it!!