3.27.2009

I try to live by....

"pretty starts with you!"

"dream like you will live forever
live like you were dying tomorrow &
love like you have never been hurt"


"life is a book and you are the author"

"bad trips make great stories"

"not all whom wander are lost"

"i've learned good-byes will always hurt"

"smile when your sad"

"the human body is sacred"

"happiness give us the energy which is the basis or {our} health"

"jealousy is a form of fear"

"gratitude is a seed one plant's"

"lather, rinse, repeat!"

"do your best to enjoy the journey"

"forgive yourself"

"to belittle is to be little!"

ALL TIME FAVORITE!

"actions speak louder than words!"



3.25.2009

Love & Money...

does one outweigh the other, are they EVER equal or do they exist as a whole?

as I woke up this morning, the note simply read:
"I hope you feel better, I made this to make you smile"
my reply:
"it worked!!!"


I have had a week of the littlest things being done, that ultimately has made a huge impact on the way I look at my life!
there are no BIG promises..
there are no BIG plans..
there is no BIG diamond..
there is no mansion..
there is no lavish vacation..
there is NO money that could buy the love I feel and the security he gives me..
the faith in knowing he will NEVER be untrue to me..It is the scariest thing I have felt in a long time..
I think I am opening up to the fact that there is a "Happy Ending" and I may have found it!

3.24.2009

as I sat there....

all I thought about was the first time I had ever held them!

The day started out w/a text that said "I love you and miss you" it was from my youngest daughter Andrea and I'm sure was about the time she was getting ready for school.
As a divorced/single parent in an extraordinary situation to not have your children with you is something that is with you every minute of your day..It makes you stronger and so very thankful for the time you have with them!
I replied to her text and a dinner was set for that very evening, she and her boyfriend were going driver in to meet me and David. David was so very excited to see 'sissy'.
I had received another text prior to her arrival that said "on our way momma and I have a surprise for you"
I replied "I can't wait"
They arrived and as we were being seated Andi told the hostess, "there will be 2 others joining us" as she looked at me with a grin.
We sat down and ordered our drinks and she proceeded to order for the 2 to follow, she said 'they will have Dr. Pepper' I knew right away it would be my oldest daughter and her boyfriend. They would be driving from almost 45 minutes away to just have a dinner w/us and turn around and go home.
THIS is when you know you have raised the most amazing kids ever!!
...as we all sat at the table, talked, laughed, ate I saw them each interacting with one another as well as their boyfriends it silenced all the background noise for me and took me to the first days I spent with them, holding and interacting with them and made me as proud of them today as the day I held them as my own.
Difference now is, I have to share them with others and take to heart they will continue to be the greatest young women they have grown to be..their families will be so rich in love!

3.20.2009

what ever will he be...

the room suddenly got quiet and I had to question myself in silence, what is he up to, where has he gone to?
then I heard a faint noise, a strumming sound if you will. I followed the noise into a back room, a converted garage where there is a place for everything and everything in it's place!
I hear the guitar but not him, at first glance. I step closer to the doorway and see him standing in the dark corner with a guitar leaning from a corner, over shadowing him. He has a look of amazement as he strokes the strings and they answer him back.
He sees me and with a look of joy, tells me "wook mama, a gitar" I say "yes baby, I see your playing the guitar, it sounds beautiful, good boy!" He returns a VERY pleasing smile to me.
My father came into the room, took the guitar from the corner and sat down in a chair and as I left the room, he was on my dad's lap & they were playing the guitar and singing a song they had just made up..It was the most precious thing ever.

His latest fashion phase is either his cowboy hat or his choo-choo {train} engineer hat

He has an arm that is rock solid and dead on, only approaching 3 yr old

Will he be a musician?
Will he be a cowboy?
Will he be a baseball player?

He will be whatever he wants to be and have all the guidance and support one could ask for. This I truly believe will make him one of the most successful and productive people I will ever come across!!

God Bless you David
Love,
Momma

3.19.2009

as I lay me down to sleep...

When you give it your all & it's all you have...When your best is what they always see...When you feel your worth is worthless...When it doesn't seem to matter is when it matters the most...When you stand up for what you believe in and at the end of the day you are standing alone...When you want to win the losing game...When you look so far within yourself for the answers you seem to get lost...Is that when you really reflect on your life & it's meaning? Are you the ONLY one that 'gets' it? Is one truly happy if they never question their very being?


I will be the first to admit I get "sappy" when I get tired as the last 4 or 5 days have been very exhausting for me. I write and feel TONS better, soooooo no worries about me I am a fighter/survivor and always come out w/a smile!
Just enjoy reading and know you are NOT alone...Me

3.17.2009

found poetry ....

I came across these recently and they were written by my daughters, they are amazing beautiful souls!


"a kiss for you"
"a kiss for me"
then I can see what you do to the very few who are lucky to lay next to you"
Andrea Nicole Johansen/17 yrs old




Snow Ball

I made myself a snowball as perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet, and I would let it sleep with me.
I made it pajamas and a pillow for it's head.
The last night it ran away, but first,
it WET the bed!
Erica Christine Johansen/unk school-age
original by
Shel Silverstein

3.15.2009

People, People, PEOPLE...

the general public, the same people that claim they {solely} pay my salary but un-benonced to them, they give me the job security I deserve and the laughter I need!
me: 9-1-1, what is your emergency
female: {classic beginning} well, it really ISN'T an emergency.....BUT I was walking in the area and saw a veh parked in a p lot behind a business that has the pssngr window broken out, the pssngr door is open as well as the trunk. I think there was a struggle.
me: why do you think there was a struggle, do you see anyone around the vehicle?
female: no, there is a pair of ladies shoes, one by the trunk and the other one about 8 feet away, I think it may have been a domestic situation.
me: what is the make/model of the vehicle?
female: I don't know, I think it might be a little Honda type car
me: what color is the vehicle?
female: I'm not too sure, maybe Honda blue .. I didn't want to touch anything in case there was a struggle
me: o.k. I can have someone go check the vehicle, are you close enough or in the area to obtain a lic plate for me
female: no, I am almost 2 blocks away now, then she paused.........THEN she asks me in a half-assed laughing state.......
''I DID WANT TO TAKE THE SHOES, THEY WERE NICE LEATHER SHOES, DO YOU THINK IF I STICK AROUND AND IT WAS JUST A BREAK IN THAT THE OFFICER WILL LET ME TAKE THE SHOES?''
me: thank you for you call ma'am

FOOTNOTE:
Close enough to see the NICE leather shoes but not close enough to get me the information I needed, as in the Make/Model/Color or Lic plate of the vehicle.
******************************************************************************

Male caller inquiring to where his vehicle had been towed..

me: do you have the license plate to your vehicle sir?
male: no but I have a case #
me: researching the case # and of course can't find any information on it. I proceed to look up the vehicle by registered owner.
male: it may be under my wife's name as well
me: I will continue to look sir but unless I know exactly how DMV put it in the system, I am at their mercy unless you have the license plate #. Where were you stopped sir?
male: advised location of the most recent DUI check point. WAIT, I found the license plate.
me: I advised the male where his vehicle was towed to and that there was a 30 day hold on the vehicle.
male: U R KIDDING ME, right?
me: no sir, it is a DUI hold, you were drinking and driving you can't get your vehicle as soon as you think your sober
male: wow, OK
me: have a nice day sir

W E L L .... I receive yet another all about 20 minutes after this conversation....
male: I just called and talked to someone about my vehicle being impounded and I need to see if I can get a special condition for the truck, it is my work truck and I need it
me: sir, you would have to go to court to have such conditions placed on the vehicle or your record.
male: my court date is not until June
me: you can contact our records division as well as the tow company, but you will have to wait the 30 days for your truck, you were drinking & driving sir
male: I wasn't drunk but whatever ..how can I get a hold of the officer to tell him I need my truck and he can change his mind and release it sooner
me: sir that is NOT an option and you will have to wait the 30 days.
male: ended the phone call

WHY is it suddenly my problem that you choose to drink and drive and put me, my family and friends in jeopardy with your selfless act of ignorance?







3.14.2009

a Happy Ending....

my night at work could be described as 'busy' at best. I left the house w/a little man NOT happy that I was going to work and had worked himself up as I was rushing out the door.

I got to work and as I checked in he was fast alseep & unfortunately with a lot of movement during the night.

I returned home only to find a little shadow standing within the shutters, decorating the HUGE window that looks out towards the street. As I began to pull into the driveway, I stopped, rolled the window down and waved really big, I saw in return a little tiny hand waving back.

As I pulled into the driveway, into the garage, I gathered my belongings and went into the house. My little man was STILL at the window as I heard him whispering "mama home" which filled my heart so full it almost burst!

He then ran into the living room, not even looking into the kitchen where I had been standing and just set my stuff down. He heard the slight movement and made a 'dash' back to the window, just catching sight of me standing there, he made an abrupt turn, almost slipping and sliding in his Elmo slippers and rushed into my arms. The thoughts and feelings at that VERY moment are un-explainable, or in simple terms, JOY!

I held/loved him for quite sometime, we shared a banana and then sat on the floor and played ball {roll back}. I was exhausted and would not have given that time up for anything in the world. SO much so when I was finally able to lie down to sleep all I heard was the pitter-patter of his little feet all over the house. He was obvisouly also filled with joy!

this is MY life!

3.13.2009

If you had....

a million dollars, how would you share it? DON'T be greedy it is NOT becoming of you!

ONE more chance to say I love you, who would you call? It might be the last thing they hear from you or NEED to hear from you..

ONE more day, what would you do, who would you spend it with? Think 'really' hard about this one, it may not be that obvious!

a choice between life and death, what would you choose? Your life would mean nothing and you death would change lives..

a chance to talk to someone in the past or present who would it be?

the power to change someone's life, would you? What would you do?

the choice to be RICH in love or RICH in money which would you choose?

the chance to do it over would you?

the opportunity to "freeze" your life where it is now would you do so?

to give up one thing in your life, something from your daily routine, a luxury, a habit, bad or good, what would it be? Think long and hard on this one, you may never get it back?

the choice to be a follower or a leader, which would you choose? Are you strong enough to be a leader or weak enough to be a follower?

a chance to make a difference, would you? I'm not talking about joining a cause, I mean truly making a difference, do we even know what that means anymore?

an opportunity to fast forward your life..maybe like a remote, "skip to the next frame, stop"

NO more access to e-mail or cell phones, would you even remember how to write a letter, call/talk from a stationary phone, where would you even find the time?

a chance to live out a scene from you all time 'favorite' movie, what would it be? MINE, for sure would be something within the {orig} Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!

to admit your faults, are you strong enough to do so?




Bottom line here folks is we ALL have a chance to make a difference in our daily lives and touch others w/random acts of kindness!
They do not have to be big, you don't have to move mountains, you just simply have to make an attempt and recognize the impact you may have had, it is truly that simple!
Try it, you might like it and heaven forbid it become a habit!!

3.09.2009

how can it be?


that his belly-laugh makes you chuckle, makes you feel like a kid again...

that his smile is SO contagious...

that his hurt is your pain...

that his mannerism's are your courtesy...

that his words are your vocabulary...

that his happiness is your life...

that his being is your very existence...

that his knowledge is your learning...

&
that his words of 'momma i wub eww' melt you...

Do you think it was all worth it, Do you think you have done a decent/good job?
Don't questions it, you already know the answers!!

Sleep Tight my precious little man
XoXo Momma

my job here is done!


What the "general" public doesn't realize...

When you work in a field such as mine, you literally live behind the scenes.

You are the voice that is heard and the face that is never seen..
You give them the advise they want to hear, because no matter what you say, they will be right!
You send them the help they need..
You are a counselor..
You are a ear to bend..
You very rarely get thanked for doing what you do best..
You are often reminded that "I pay your salary"..
You get yelled, screamed and cursed at on a daily basis..
You are lied to..
You have to ask questions to get the information you need when the caller is less than cooperative and wanted YOU to take care of their needs yesterday!

You are also in a position, remember, I said YOU, meaning 1 person, will be assigned a radio channel that has anywhere from 10 to 30+ officers at one time YOU are in charge of..
You will get several people talking to you at one time and wanting all their information at the very moment they requested it..
You may be in a position were you are laughing w/your co-workers then in an instant you will find yourself getting help to an officer whom has just been involved in a critical incident! You don't have time to ask questions, your adrenaline kicks in and you do what needs to be done. You don't have time, until you lie down to sleep to worry about what had happened. Your too busy taking the next call for help or assisting the next officer with a request he or she may have!

You have NO idea but by your own senses if it is light or dark outside, sunny or raining, but you must know EXACTLY where all your officer's are and be able to direct any unit within the city to where you need them.
You also have to convey to them, paint a picture if you will, all the information they need in order to handle the particular incident.
All the while you never see the caller, you will never see the crime, you will never see the officer and you will never see the end result! If you have built a re poor with the officer and you are able to talk to him or her {most likely via computer} about the incident/call you had in common with he or she is the only way you may get some sort of closure or peace with what may have happened..

At the end of your shift you simply unplug your head set and you go home.
You have NO closure!
You have NO outlet!
You deal with tragedy as it is happening..You may re-live it while watching it on the news or reading about it in the paper..see the faces of who it affected, see them cry or see them mourn..
You wonder who they are, where they came from and how will they survive?

as for ME, it is just another day at the office!

3.08.2009

Peace & Quiet



I wish I will I wish I may..I wish I was at the Beach right now and this was my view!

This is truly the only place on earth I can go and literally have no thoughts/feelings/sadness/concern or worries! It is truly heaven to me..

Today was such a beautiful day, the sun was shining, children were outside playing and laughing, my dad and his 'gang' took their bikes on a Sunday drive, simply enjoying the day as it is.

As I sit on my patio and watch the sunset, I say a silent prayer to those I miss and smile for the grateful life I have been blessed with!!

so long for now..

3.07.2009

Morning thoughts...

Sooooooooooooooo,

when an OLD friend says things that are so very hurtful, is it truly their demeanor? It is something you truly have been struggling with and have never approved of their action's but their intentions would move mountains!

when your children test and push you to the point you have given up on them, when in all actuality you have given up on yourself. You are the one who raised them the way they are. YES, let them back in and keep the lines of communication OPEN and HONEST! Trust me, it will be the best thing that could have happened between the two of you!

second chances, they are real, they are struggles, they are HUGE choices, they could be the worse thing or they could be the best thing that could have EVER happened! Are you willing to take the chance?

when you are SO tired you begin to question your very being, whether it be in the current situation or your entire life, it can be very over-whelming..I choose to look at the very things that have me frustrated and silently find the strength in them to move forward and with a HUGE smile!

when people lie is it truly for their own good or yours? is it only hurtful because you may have found out about it and would have never known the difference? is there a difference in a chronic liar or a few little white lies here and there, when do they become habit and consume that person's life? I guess as long as your true to yourself then you can call it all even? Hmmmm

when a NEW friend from so long ago you can't remember comes into your life literally within moments and it is like old times in an instant!

O.K. I think I have touched all the basis for my issues today =)

ENJOY your day and don't forget to SMILE at a random person you come in contact w/today!!

3.06.2009

Do YOU have it?

to Forgive...
to be Forgiven...
to ask for Forgiveness...
to Understand...
to be Understood...
to be the Better Person...
to be Respected...
to give Respect...
to be Grateful...
to give Gratitude...
to be Admired...
to be Admirable...
to have Faith...
to be Faithful...
to be Scared...
Human Nature or Human Preference??



The `Power` explained ...

To forgive is divine, to be forgiven is a gift and to ask for forgiveness will put you at peace.
To understand/be understanding is human, to be understood is a life long process which helps you become a better person.
To be respected is a life long journey, to give respect should be a daily ritual.
To be grateful is something we all posses. To give gratitude is a personal choice.
To be admired is a humbling, to be admirable is a blessing.
To have faith is a personal decision, to be faithful is from the heart.
To be scared is HUMAN nature and is something that we never outgrow, we learn to live with fear along with the choices we make. We deal with the things that come our way and we make the best of the situation.
We forgive those who wronged us-we may never understand why-be determined to be the better person in the end-never lose respect for yourself-be grateful daily for the gifts you do have-admire the life you have lived, are living-have faith that it will `never` be more than you can handle-it is o.k. to be scared!!

The Power
BROKEN ..
I have been blessed to `never` have had a broken bone..Well, does my 3rd toe 20 yrs ago count? It was my fault, I tripped on a base-board..
I was still able to function in a complete capacity..
A broken FINGER .. You can still point
A broken ARM .. You can still write
A broken LEG .. You can still walk
WHY when you have a broken HEART .. You can not Function, You can't Move or even Speak?
Funny:
There is NO surgery required ..
There are NO pins involved ..
There is NO casting ..
Just your ability to stay strong and your will to survive!!

What do you think?


"WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THEY HAVE THE ABILITY TO GIVE YOU THEIR 2 CENTS WHEN THEY ARE BROKE?"

"DOES THAT MAKE THEM PISS-POOR MORALLY? "


"ARE WE REALLY CREATURES OF HABIT?"

MUST THERE BE SOMETHING HAPPENING IN OUR LIVES ALL THE TIME, AND IF NOT WE FEEL THE NEED TO CREATE SOMETHING?"


"WHY DOES IT SEEM LIKE 'KARMA' TAKES SO LONG TO COME BACK AROUND?"

"WHY IS MY TIME FRAME DIFERENT FROM YOUR TIME FRAME WHEN WE LIVE BY THE SAME CLOCK?"

"WHY DO IDOL HANDS CREATE THE DEVIL'S WORK?"

"WHY WHEN YOU SLOW DOWN TO DO NOTHING THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO?"

"WHEN YOU SAY YOUR SORRY, ARE YOU TRULY?"

"ARE YOU WILLING TO ACCEPT AND ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE WRONG?"

"FACE YOUR FEARS!"

"WHEN DO YOUR PROMISES BECOME THREATS?"

"ARE YOU TRULY AN HONEST PERSON?"

"DO YOU THINK WHITE-LIES ARE INNOCENT?"

"ARE YOU A STORY-TELLER OR A STORY READER?"

"DO YOU MEAN WHAT YOU SAY OR SAY IT TO BE MEAN?"

"DO YOU TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE FLOWERS, LOOK AT THE HORIZON OR SMILE AT THOSE YOU PASS ON THE STREET?"

"DO YOU LISTEN TO MUSIC OR SING TO MUSIC?"

"DO YOU HEED WORDS OF ADVICE?"

"CAN YOU LAUGH AT YOURSELF?"

I like to reflect on those things that make you go "Hmmm"
it's fun and you NEVER know who you might find
buried deep down inside!!