cry baby

I checked in as always, my daughter seemed a little bit flustered and said David was fussier than usual and wasn't settling down as easily as he usually does.  I questioned if he was breathing o.k., if he had eaten, been changed and then suggested she give him a warm bath, water always seemed to calm him down for some reason.
I know she was a little more annoyed than usual with my questions/suggestions and took it that she did not have the ability to take care of him in actuality it was me feeling WAY guilty that I was leaving her alone to have to deal with the situation while I was at work, it was an extremely difficult thing for me and at most times like this, I needed to block it out and just move forward.

I worried so much when I was away from the house, away from him and worried even more about the girls and how this has taken it's toll on them. WHAT was I going to do?  I thought more about moving back to town with my folks, well, not WITH them, but in the same town so I could give the girls their freedom back and have the relief I needed in the same town and not be away from him for 3 days at a time BUT means I would be away from my girls all the time and the time I DID not have with them would be cut even more, I wanted to scream, so instead I cried, at work and had to re-focus..fast!

Besides Jules and Amanda I had a great bff, a guy bff no less, it was the safest guy friend I could have asked for, we were peas in a pod, he was married hence the 'safe' part and the most faithful man I was convinced NEVER existed.  I needed some help with the decision, Jules & Amanda were with me on the "help" part and didn't really give to much insight on my daughters, it was more on what "I" needed and what was best for David, sigh...HE on the other hand was there to listen and give great pep talks when I would cry about missing my girls. We worked together so he would check in frequently and we would have some nice "hall" talks as he would try to straighten out my bad attitude, I felt safe to have one with him and he totally understood!  There was not a whole lot of ME time now-a-days so when it came to relationships, there was just NO time that was just the way it had to be, it was WAY to complicated and I could not devote my "soul" time to anyone other than my girls, especially now with David, a newborn with some pretty complicated circumstances!

Needless to say when I came home my daughter was asleep on the couch with David on her chest, I started to cry, I knew she had a rough night and her sleep was not the best nor was David's.  I put my stuff away, carefully moved him to his bed upstairs where he didn't even flinch and covered her up and left her be, her alarm would be going off in 3 hours anyway. 

David slept all the way till my daughter came in to get me up to take her to the bus, he was starving by the time we got back from the 5 minute round trip drop off and was NOT a happy camper.  His eating schedule was a little off but luckily he ate and went back down for almost another 2 hours which 'really' screwed up the afternoon naptime...sigh...



is there any other way

Coffee was brewing and I put David in his chair, he loved his vibrating bouncy chair and the dancing fishies, he laughed and bounced and laughed some more, I LOVED the sound of his little laugh{s} thus proving, again, just how happy he was!

I had some laundry to catch up on and some house cleaning to do and hopefully sneak a little nap in before I had to go to work.  David's father had called and wanted to know if he could come by and drop off some formula, I had forgotten it was about that time again.  I told him it would be fine and that it would be much appreciated if he could also drop off a check as well, I was needing more diapers and supplies, he agreed and said he would be there right after lunch, I agreed since David's nap was closer to 10:30 and he woke up at lunchtime. 
I was not at the comfy level with him hanging around while David slept, I was just still feeling the water, I was not scared, just again knew NOTHING about this man and had only been given some 'bad ju-ju'.

David's father showed up right on cue, David was waking up, I let him sleep downstairs on the couch while I cleaned and did some laundry, David's father was happy to see him and came bearing formula, diapers and a small check.  I HATED this part of it and was SO not into asking for things, EVER!  We had agreed on $250 since that is what he was giving my sister, or what they had agreed upon after she moved out of his home. They tried to live together for 1 short, very short month when she was about 7 months along, needless to say she was soon back with our folks and he was buying baby furniture for their house and had agreed with her assistance that he would pay her $250 a month for support and supplies that the aide would not provide. 
The check was $100 short, I think he could tell by the look on my face, he immediately interjected "I bought some diapers, formula and food I know you will need" I mustered a reply, "thank you" and left it be, HOW could I not possibly argue this fact when I knew damn well I should have!!  I SO would have if it was my own child's father....sigh
David was sitting playing with his father on the floor as I stacked the case of formula, put the food away and took the diapers upstairs.  I rarely left them in the room alone but felt safe in my own home, I dared him to try ANYthing in my safe places.  I needed a few seconds to decompress, I wanted to yell to him, the formula is FREE, the food is $.25 a jar and 1 case of diapers is $24.99, but I did it in my head and became grateful realizing I only had 6 diapers left.  I self-talked that this was extra help and I was really NOT spending a lot out of my pocket at this point, all the services we received were free and/or no cost out of pocket to me...STILL, a deal is a deal!  I remember thinking as I walked back downstairs, is this an indication of what is to come?
He stayed nearly 45 minutes and said he would look forward to seeing us in 2 weeks, I thought to myself, your regular scheduled visit is this coming Saturday, but I had NO energy to say anything more and would just make note of this visit and mark my calendar for next Saturday, of course keeping the dates I/we had {originally} already agreed upon marked and just keep my records in order, 18years of notation, this will be one helluva Guinness record :)

On a positive note, I have to say that since it might not be, I will get no nap today before I go in, I will have to drive all the way to the farm to pick up my daughter and by the time we return I will need to fix dinner, shower and head to work.
I sat at the computer and notated the visit today and summarized the doctor's appointments/phone calls, etc then headed out the door, here we go, off and running, FULL speed ahead!



having writer's block sucks! 

it is not that fact I have NOTHING to write, it is the fact I need to mentally prepare myself to continue the Journey!!


run around

Our in home visit was bright and early, this time it was 9 a.m. and they were always "johnny on the spot".  We were up and ready barely, but with coffee in hand I was happy to see David having another good interaction with the his worker and his assistant. Their hour had seemed to have gone by quick this visit but non the less they were soon gone and I found myself sitting on the stairs not realizing David was on the floor, playing as content as can be and obviously not missing me at that particular moment, he was in his own little happy world!

I finally got moving, I had a few phone calls yet to make, one being to the Audiology department and the other to David's pediatrician, David was still not breathing like I would have like him to, no distress per-say, just not 'right'. 
The Audiology department didn't have a whole lot of information, they told me he had some hearing loss in the right ear {knew that!}the test reading showed it seemed to have been blocked with fluid so they would need to re-test in 3 months when he was a little older and some of the fluid drained away o.k.??  Uhhhh, how did it get there and how do I get rid of it was my first question..I was given that it could have been caused by him being on his side for a long period of time and it will just dissipate..o.k.??  I left it at that, I ran out of energy for that battle rather quickly!
I moved on to task #2, I as getting good at lists and checking things off.  I spoke with the nurse and told her my concerns with David's breathing, I asked if he was too young for an inhaler and she said she thought he may be but she would ask the doctor and she would call me back.
I really loved this new doctor, within the half hour I received a call back and not just from the nurse but from the doctor himself.  He was {way} old, quite possibly could have been MY pediatrician if it applied, he had the bedside manner of an angel, our very first appointment to his office was right after their lunch, I arrived a few minutes early and he was the one who greeted us at the door, and grabbed a file and took us back, I was won over from day one!
The doctor said he thought {also} David was still too small/young for an inhaler, especially on the heels of being weened off the high dose antibiotics for the Valley Fever exposure.  He suggested we do the warm, sultry, steamy showers and give him Tylenol for the fever and the cough will just have to work itself out and if needed I could bring him in to the office for an oxygen level check or take him to the hospital, that was always viable option..."viable option" since when did taking your child to the hospital seem like a viable option, a general topic of conversation?  It just seemed WAY to bizarre for me but on the same note, it was something that made total sense.

Dinner time was approaching and it seemed like I had been on the phone all day.  My daughter came home followed by my oldest and they kept David busy while I threw something together for dinner.  We had a nice conversation as always, baths soon followed with bedtime rituals and before I knew it, the house was quiet and I was, of course, wide awake, dammit! 
I could hear David breathing from my 'stair chair' and went to check on him, he seemed restless so I picked him up and laid down on my bed with him, that always seemed to calm him down, the skin to skin contact and I know the sound of my heartbeat, it built up from our bonding time that I'm still SO thankful for the nurses suggestion and forced hand at making it happen when he was in NICU.

I was apparently a little more tired than I had thought I was, I woke up to David stirring because he was hungry, my initial thought was OMG, this will be a long night until I looked over at the clock it said it was nearly 5 a.m. WHAT??  where the heck did the last 7 hours go?  NO complaints here, he was fed, we took my daughter to the bus stop when she was up and ready and we came home for a quick nap before I started my day and mentally prepared for going back to work tonight.



Julie left after a couple of hours, my oldest had gone back to her dad's and my youngest had fallen asleep with David on the couch, this was a site that made my heart smile, it was very heavy and needed this little lift.

I had David's infectious disease appointment tomorrow so I would for sure ask him about the coughing and maybe they could suggest an over the counter medication for him if they cleared us from the antibiotic.  David seemed to be doing a little better but when I moved him to his own bed it seemed he was still uneasy, so of course I got no sleep listening to and worrying about him. 
I got up about 3 a.m. and went for some water, it was about time for a feeding so I prepared a bottle while I was down stairs, I came back up and forced a feeding so we could get back to sleep.  David was responsive, ate and fell right back asleep in my arms, I left him there and just slid down onto my pillows and we seemed to have slept for the rest of the night without interruption.

I got up bright and early, to take my daughter to the bus stop then came home to shower for the appointment, I was hopeful he would give me the news I wanted to hear this morning.  David was in a good mood and seemed to be breathing better, of course he was, kids always got better it seemed when you were taking them to be seen for their aliments :)
I got David bathed and ready in between my time, he sat in his chair and watched me until I was done, he had to be close to me if not at my feet lately no matter where I was in the house.  I was finally ready and off we went, we got to the hospital just a few minutes before our appointment and as always the front girls were SO excited to see David and scooped him right up.  We went to our room and waited patiently for the doctor to come in, he was really good about his timing.  David was ALL smiles and he was happy to see that. He did a quick exam with David, he heard the chest/breathing and although it concerned him he still let me know that we were FREE to stop using the antibiotic and he felt certain David was Valley Fever free and what exposure he did have in the womb was out of his system and should lead a healthy life from here on out. THIS was what I was waiting to hear for the last 9 months, man was this music to my ears {and heart}. I thanked him SO much for all his care and concern and that I appreciated everything he did for us and the special care he gave to David, he put a stern hand on my shoulder and said your very welcome and BIG kudos to you to kiddo!  awww now he was going to make me cry, this time good tears..
After our brief exchange I asked what he thought about the breathing and he said it sounded a little tight to him but said follow-up with his pediatrician for an over the counter or possibly even an inhaler at this point since it seems to be a normal thing and most likely inherited thing for this little guy. 
I again thanked him and we were free to go, the girls up front were sad they would not be seeing us anymore but much happier he was all better, we had a little tearful farewell with them as well.

We came home and I laid David down for his nap, he was pooped.  I made some phone calls and let my folks, my sister and my daughter know he was clear and free, he responded well to the antibiotics and was free of any form of the Valley Fever he had been exposed to in her womb, it was bittersweet that is for sure.  My youngest daughter called to say she was staying after school so I took this opportunity and snuck a little nap as well.
We had another first five home visit tomorrow, I was also able to call and get into the pediatrician's office as well, another busy day to look forward to {insert sarcasm}.

My daughter got a ride home and was happy about the news we got from the doctor visit today.  We ate some dinner and had a 'relax' night, she finished up some homework and David and I played on the front room floor for a few hours until it was time to go to bed.  I wasn't tired so I came back down after I put David to bed, I was a little restless for some reason, I couldn't quite pin-point it, so I flipped channels, sat on the patio, sat on the stairs, ate some ice-cream then I was ready for bed, ice-cream always helps melt the bad thoughts away!