imagination OR obsession

….ok, SO, something’s you just can’t deny….I mean we first acknowledge then we recover, RIGHT?!?!

I have to wonder how can something SO little consume your last thought as your day ends, make you think about it, even crave it in your time of need! !

So small that it gets lost, I wake up in a panic and wonder what has happened, search to no avail, where did it go? Obsessed until I can get my hands on it again, reaching, searching and even with my eyes closed I can usually manage to find at least one of them.

They come in different colors and have to be replaced frequently; I have an extra reserve stash readily available at all times! I have to take them when I travel, even keeping them in several different rooms in the house. I can have just one but two is usually a requirement!!
If they are not on board by the time I fall asleep they are DEFINITELY in hand wrapped tightly or resting on my chest….

David will usually be my silent keeper and brings them to me when he finds them in his bed “mama, here is your ears to sleep”

I mean EVERYone has to wear ear-plugs when they fall asleep, R I G H T?!?!?!?!?!?

unconditional love it is.....

....a rough night at best, or morning?  only a few hours sleep from the time my head hit the pillow to the time I felt a peck on my cheek, and a whisper of G'Mooooorning mama in my ear and of course in HIS bed so as to not keep daddy darrow awake his last few hours of sleep.

we proceeded to have a little"us" time, chit-chat over our mickie dee's parfait's I got last night on my way home to surprise him this morning and then the normal barrage of questions;
"I have to go to school mama?"  Yes, David, so you can be smart {as he sings/spells P U R P L E} as the theme color/song yesterday at school....
"You have to go to work mama?"  Yes David, but later tonight, I have to make money for your 'prizes' remember
"Who gunna pick me up mama?" I will baby, as I remind him today is pizza day

as we pull into the parking lot and he sees the kids playing outside and as he tells me "Wook mama, they playing outside, they are asking "where is David at"....I smile big and sit for just a moment to look at his excitement....he then takes his seat belt off and climbs over the seat to grab his 'blankie' and tells me......

"Have a good day at work mom" I remind him, "OH BABY, MAMA IS GOING HOME TO GO BACK TO SLEEP" he then looks as me and says "have a good day sweeping mom, I don't want you GROUCHY {as we always joke} when you pick me up today, k?" I laugh and shake my finger back and forth, OK BABY NOOOOOOOOO G R O U C H Y today!! 

and he's GONE, runs off like I never existed....under my breath after a quick kiss on the forehead I whisper...HAVE A GREAT DAY DAVID..MoM LOVES YOU!!


angels amoung US...

our morning ritual is just as amazing as the day that has been given to us...he climbs up in my bed, right next to me and kisses me, tells me "mama I love you berry much" I sleep in my bed like a good boy huh" Yes baby you did and I love you more as I hug him tight.

we lay there and cuddle for a few more minutes and he sits STRAIGHT up and says "dats me mom" right there" I ask him where as I look to my night stand.  He tells me "right there" I reply to him, oh yeah, the picture on the wall, that is all of us, me, you & daddy.  He says "NO MAMA, right there, with the wings, the tall one, that is me"  I ask him are you an angel?  He replies, "YEAH, I'm a good angel huh" I tell him, with broken words, YOU ARE AN ANGEL AND YOU ARE A VERY VERY GOOD ANGEL & MOMMY LOVES YOU SO MUCH!!

He simply looks at me and says "I like being an angel mama" is it time to get up yet? 
Off we go to the kitchen to make him the breakfast....  

Andrea bought me this angel the last time David was admitted to VCH for what we would "dub" his yearly admission.  coincidentally he has NOT been admitted since, so MAYBE, just maybe this is OUR guardian angel!!


and it's OVER.....

freedom, sleeping in, relaxation, done, gone, bye-bye!!  back to reality and that thing that adds money to my checking account every two weeks, I think I vaguely remember but it is called a JOB!! 

vacation was nice, didn't have anything special planned, did a few little things, spent some much needed time with my little man, and dabbled in a little extra time with my husband, ya' know, just enough to remember what he looks like, sounds like, smells like....I sooo need a 'normal' job with normal hours, what would that EVEN be like?

I thought I was pretty settled in my career path, then came along David.  My girl's were older and soon out on their own as I was being trained and settled in and shortly after promoted at the police department.  I've never considered myself to be a morning person so my schedule of working nights and sleeping during the day worked well, so anywho, now maintaining a family and having to start over, completely over, I've come to realize I just can't do this shift work as he is growing up..I can only hope and pray at this point that there is something out there for this "old hen!!" 
I will not sacrifice or settle, that is something I lost a long time ago and will NOT befriend again.  I have a supportive husband and one who has made some sacrifice's along with me, but this I know and realize, I have to make a difference and a better {home} life for David.  He will need more attention than my girl's did or Daryl's boys did.  we both {have to} often remind one another....

so I took some time on this vacation to prepare a pretty darn good resume and will begin to put myself out there and see if I can get any bites...WISH ME LUCK...


I can't believe....

we actually got to leave town, actually got to stay over night and actually had a GREAT time, well, till the ride home, and, uhhhh, I choose NOT to revisit THAT incident at this time, it is my right, right??

we took our leisure time, arrived at our destination, unloaded the truck, got some grub and forgot about reality, no cell service, no internet, no phone on your side, no messages coming through every 5 seconds, just fresh air, relaxation and a gorgeous view!!

I have, well I thought I had a good sense of direction, but for some reason when he is driving I lose it all and have had to be questioned on my "do you know where your going" directions...I blame it all on his driving, it sucks and makes me car sick!!  Yea Yea, is is all his fault, always is right?  It was just nice to able to have ANY interaction with him OTHER than the 5-10 minutes we usually get as we are literally passing in the hallway as one is coming and one is always going.

we drove up to Sonora to visit my sister and her family and upon arrival & greeting we gravitated outside to the deck/pool area.  the water was so NOT warm, the nights up there get to cool now to keep the water at a decent temperature BUT to a 5 year old it is "wet" and that is all that seemed to matter.

I stood and watched David tip-toe in the water for 30 minute or so then when Uncle Derek got in, he went full on body and was out a little after that "water cold mama!!"

we sat up top on the deck, the kids played, David found a "burr" patch, OK burr hill that he seemed to have rolled down after thinking he was a tight-rope walker for the circus on the stone wall above the patch, he bounced up as he hit the bottom like "ta-da I'm OK"....a few battle wounds, scraps and scratches later, we all decided we better for the sake of the rest of the property to go get a bite to eat!!

it was Family Night at the local Round Table pizza, "Krinkles" the clown was there and was face-painting and animal ballooning it for kids and adults alike, even got David to partake in some painting, but the ARM only mama!!
we had a GREAT dinner, yes, I said it, and YES we were at a small little Round Table pizza, but to see my sister, her husband as well as mine enjoy themselves over pizza, beer and good company was priceless to me.  WAY to often we are only together for holidays, birthday parties and at our ages, funeral's, PLEASE enough of them already, I'm plenty sure I've reached the quota for a long time to come! 

we didn't have any specific plans, we talked as the conversation flowed, we laughed when David pooped himself because he was having so much fun and the sliding door was only 5 steps {TOO far} away from the bathroom after  he had already ran up a flight of stairs, we weren't worried about interruption or even responsibilities, it was the most enjoyable time I have had in a very long time.

we got back home right at dusk, took a stroll of the property on the little dirt, gravel road no, really, it was....you could smell the pine tress, you could hear the toads and he crickets.  the wind was blowing, making just enough breeze to make you want to go put a sweater on, but you didn't dare want to waste a moment missing the sunset.  we thought we would be able to see the stars but instead cloud cover moved in and we were able to see a lightening show, it was a sight!

the next morning we got a bright and early start with the hustle and bustle of school and work, we packed and said our good-bye's till next time and took a ride into Jamestown where we ate a place on main street, MOTHER LODE Coffee Shop, I claimed to be a hole in the wall yet it looked like a main staple. we then walked down main street to let our food settle as we hit the road back home.

"mama, take our picture!!"  OK baby, say CHEESE!!



"I'm on 'acation' too mom?"....

....he snuck in as he usually does, whispering g'morning mama, as he climbs right over the top of me, not that there is a WHOLE other side of the king size bed that is completely open and snuggles right up close and falls back to sleep, if only for a split second.

his questions soon begin...."do I have to go to school today?" no, not today
"I get to stay home with you?" yep, you sure do
"Do you have to go to work mama?" no, not tonight, "So you 'tay home with me then right mama?" yes David, what do you want to do today?  "I want a sammich and go to the park"  right now?  "yea mama, get up, let's go"


he had the entire park to himself, so we played, we walked to the 2 other areas and he thought it was just "way cool" this new park {to him} ....??

david's asks as we get to the third area, "mom, they have baffrooms here?" yes, WHY, do you have to go potty? "yea, come on mom, I need to hurry" we gather our drinks quickly and head across the park to the restrooms, the whole time he is holding orange juice in one hand and his bottom in the other "mom, I think the poo-poo is coming out" OK come on, lets walk faster "I can't" as he turns the talk to his poo-poo "you stay in there, we are almost there" pwease don't come out yet, you can do this" I'm DYING at this point and had NO heart to take a pic for the mere fact it would be a code brown on grassy area #2.

as we left the park to get his haircut he tells me, again, how much he loves me and with those words, I my heart melts, then he proclaims, "MOM, I LIKE BEING ON 'ACATION TOO LIKE YOU, YOU TIRED OF WORKING HUH MAMA?" such a smart smart boy...maybe we need to talk to daddy about this "acation" thing :)

we continue our journey to the car wash, which is never fun as far as David is concerned, but today he only "freaked" when we pulled in then begged to come back again today.  We will see how far that request goes the next time we really need to come back!!

we make it to the Mall, he is a good boy but mid-way tells me "mama, I'm tired of walking, can u get me a car pwease" I know this, we find a check out and we left.  David got to ride the "treats" for being such a good boy...

home bound now for some lunch and a nap for my little "acationer"

perfect choice...

Tulips are symbolic of fame and perfect love.

Yellow tulips mean "there's sunshine in your smile" and cheerful thoughts as White tulips symbolize heaven, newness and purity.
Variegated tulips mean "you have beautiful eyes as Orange tulips mean energy, enthusiasm, desire, and passion.

I'm thinking this was a PERFECT choice for my wedding bouquet, very fitting for OUR new life together as well as my maid of honor's, my 2 beautiful daughters the words could not be more descriptive!!


my hero....

Capt. America --- he is here to save the WORLD! 

I love to watch him in action, just as much as I love it when he is sitting in thought, Ohhhh, to have a penny for every thought!!

10 years ago today...

as this day represents WAY more than me turning another year older, I mean since birthday's are the "stuff" once you realize there is NO more Santa Claus, I will reflect on the fact that 5 years ago I was standing at "Ground Zero" standing at the actual sight were an unthinkable tragedy brought us death and emotional despair. I could not help but to be deeply sadden yet at the same time grateful for my life, for my freedom.  as I stood there and watched my oldest daughter holding ribbons that had been tied to the chain link fence, reading letters that were written from the children & families who had lost their loved ones, standing there, staring at what was still a dusty, messy massive hole, thinking their are still people buried beneath all the rubble, it was if only for a split second you could almost feel the presence of their souls around you.

as I continue to get birthday wishes sent to me, I feel just as grateful for each and every person in my life that has taken just a moment out of their day to think of me, this I do know, I AM truly blessed!! 

how can I EVER begin to THANK you personally for being in my life!!  God Bless my life, my freedom along with my family and friends..xoxo


he said ...

I was dodging bullets when I read over your post, it truly breaks my heart, I replied it is breaking mine too, he said, I can tell!!

We talked into the wee hours and, as always, he brings me back to where I need to be, grounds me if you will...he makes sense of my madness and brings reality back to life!

He is the keeper of my soul and has signed on for more than I think I ever realized, he thinks he knows, but does he really?  the answer would be DEFINITELY!

I'm grateful that my writing is my {safe} outlet, I'm grateful he understands, wants to read it, wants to share it, wants to fix it all and most of all, wants to be here for me no matter what happens!!

{sooooooooo next time you tune in} this is for you baby...plain & simple....THANK YOU for caring


I just don't think they get it

...Since when is entitlement a "gimme" and not a sense of accomplishment or true understanding of what life is about. 

you have made fun of my choices, you laugh at me & to my face, you have disrespected me, talked trash to others about me, including your own family.
yet why have you not been brave enough to do this in front close friends? is it because you know they would stop you dead in your tracks, tell you how wrong you are, how evil you are, how selfish you are being, how mean and truly ignorant you are to others feelings and the things that happen in their life?!  things that you choose to over look, because you think you are above living with any of it, and want to pretend like it is all about you and you are entitled to SO much more than you have earned?

yet in one hand you try so hard to be like me, of course NOT letting me know, taking what I say as a joke and attempting to implement it the moment I leave the room.  I still DO have eyes in the back of my head...

...I think I will take my wisdom, own it, it is mine, along with my experience and continue to live my life for ME and continue to love, support and be there when you need guidance, because THAT is the kind of person I am, that is the kind of MOM that I am!  one day and only one day do I hope you realize what it is like to walk in my shoes and not try to trip me every time you have the opportunity.

the things I do I OWN and the things I don't I learn from, I've become a much wiser/secure person over the last 5 years and NOTHING can break me, take from me the person I am today!


he politely says "mom, im ready to get out"

we wash his knees, elbows and toes

i get his favorite buzz lightyear towel, with a hoodie or his cape as he frequently calls it

we fly to his bedroom to dress him for bed

he says "mama, tonight can u put lotion all over me, it makes me `mell` so good and cwean"

yes baby, I will

we jump up to dress, he says "mom, I love you so much" with a HUGE kiss as I reply David, I think I love you more, he tells me, as he jumps in my arms "I love you whole much mama" then the BIGGEST hug I could have asked for and the LONGEST hug with the littlest hands tapping and rubbing my back!!

THAT is the reassurance I crave

good night, sweet dreams my angel baby, luv mom


it's days like today.....

I just want to give up!!

It is obvious I do NOT have the patience I had when my girl's were toddlers.
The fact is he is a boy, a boy with special needs & special circumstances, a boy whom I took on without question or reserve,  boy that is totally and completely dependant on me.

from constantly explaining his 'history', making decisions for him, choices he can't make has become something I'm still not used to, it seems every time there is another decision to be made it gets more and more intense..

I get tired, tired of fighting, tired of compromising, tired of explaining over and over what needs to be done, what is going to happen, so tired I want to yell, DON'T YOU LISTEN, DON'T YOU KNOW BY NOW?!?!?! the answer is.... NO, he does not!!
He can not hear me most of the time because he is deaf in one ear...He does not understand things in simple terms with all the procedures he has had, all the hospitalization he has been subjected to, he has anxiety and anger issues that need to be dealt with love, care and compassion, the only thing he DOES know and can count on from me when he needs it most~ I know what he needs when he truly needs it.

~feeling a little frustrated & overwhelmed~


this picture make me SMILE...he is such a love bug...

dat's my "daddy" darrow mama...S P O I L E D !!

he tells us last night as we took him shopping for new shoes "they HAVE to be cool shoes daddy" WHAT, how in the world at 5 yrs old do you know `cool`?  he even partook in the choosing of shirts, the correct size I mind you and his choice was "Spidey" and Lighten' Queen" yea, he got them both!!

just a thought....

as we ran about today, as we conversed, laughed and joked with one another it came to me, I am in love with the best thing that could have EVER happened to me at this point in my life!!

there are things that happen throughout the weeks and days when I have little moments of reflection that make me wonder "how deserving am I?" of this love, as I'm certain he does the same.  it is a love, respect only we can understand, a love that only happens once, and as I've preached before, the one that came out of "nowhere, completely unexpected" but the one that came at the most perfect time".

I can honestly say that I had truly given up, I had no longer wished, hoped or even prayed that 'THE ONE' would ever come along.  perhaps it was my destiny, my unique situation or my unwillingness to settle, only god knows and for that I thank him.

we have our moments, ohhh goodness do we, and perhaps we should have waited a bit longer for some past and more frequent issues to resolve, settle or be buried completely but having to have dealt with them, and some in a gruesome manner, yuck!! I would not have traded the time served for anything at this point, in my opinion, and that is the only one that matters, right? it has been a definite growing experience I was glad to have been privy too. do trust me when I say it was bad when it reared it's ugly head..I take comfort in knowing such a negative experience has turned into such a positive outlook on our future.

my respect for the man I have loved for sometime only grows deeper as each day passes. 

is it possible to love someone so much that it hurts??


the art of Science....

wonder why I was never clued in on the art of cleaning out

the refrigerator, I sooooooo would have past my High School

science class with flying colors!! 

daily struggles.....

he used to fight it, now he asks for it..the `achine`..when he says "mama, I can't breath" and I tell him "I know baby boy, I know" when in actuality, I REALLY don't, I can't imagine what it is like to NOT be able to breath at any given moment!

he has struggled with being asthmatic from birth and is NO stranger to being admitted and treated in a hospital setting. his mother had also struggled with asthma all her life so with that experience I'm glad I have at least the knowledge of this horrible ailment.

I wish I would have had the energy to write when we were up at 0342 this a.m. as we sat on the couch administering his much needed treatment on the 'achine', he fell asleep in my arms and as the treatment was near end, he opened his eyes and said "listen mama, it is done now, can I go back to bed and you lay with me pwease?"  Yes baby, yes we can.

very few know our daily struggles, the watching, the listening, the medicine that can't be too far out of reach, the back pack that needs to be toted whenever & wherever we travel....his fear of "I don't have to/want to go back to the hospital anymore mama, k?"


it's begun....

and before I know it, it will be over!! 

VACATION a time to rest, relax and re-coop! !

he sneaks around....

..the rattle of the bear {head} gets closer

..the footsteps seem to stop at the foot of the bed

..the light comes on

..the small hands touch my face, turning my head

..the little kisses followed by the voice that says

"pwease get up mama, the sun is shining today and I turned the light on for you"  can u make me pancakes pwease"

how do you NOT wake up in a great mood to that? and for the record he changed it to Lucky Charms once we got downstairs!!


5 years and still NO reality....

my text read: {first thing in the morning}
I love u SO much!! Thinking of u today my love xoxo

her reply: {many hours later}
Hi, i luv u too. Sorry to just get back to u but i denied the day to make it through. Ox t thank u for ever and everything u do.

at what point do you stop missing someone, I don't think it is physically possible. so why would you continue to deny the days/dates as if they didn't exist just so you can?  why am I the only one that seems strong enough to have to be able to cope with the tragedy and have it thrown in my face, literally, on a daily basis? i wish it was just as easy for me to proclaim "THIS DAY DOES NOT EXIST, THEREFORE I CAN HAVE A GOOD DAY" who does that?  one would presume, one who can not come to terms with the tragedy let alone the loss itself, perhaps there is something that i am missing, something i don't understand, perhaps something that i have failed to see or "hone" in on?? well, i think i have taken on enough of the responsibility and making it extremely easy for others to cope and not deal with "the daily" as i like to refer to it and just know that "those that have the responsibility to do so, do it with great pride and honor" or something very similar to that {my husband reminds me of this often} and for that i am grateful to be the one who continues to make everyday count for a little soul that would have otherwise been lost!!

as i have asked frequently and wondered more often if there is just one little sign you can send me from above to let me know im on the right path, it is still welcomed.  God Bless you my little sister and farewell till we can meet again!!