Who KNEW ...

... that TODAY would be the day I can cross off one of my (secret) Bucket List items?! 
I am not in any way implying that we need to set a 'list' of things we would love to accomplish before we leave this earth, because by mere chance, if there are items on that list that are not crossed off then one may be left to feel like they have failed and not lived a very productive or full life~
I'd like to think a Bucket List is a visual goal that allows you to keep perspective of what is important to you; places, people, {secret} desires, fears and more can be conquered at ones own discretion!
Today is a very far stretch for me, I have a TON of excitement and a TON more anxiety just thinking of the possibilities~the smallest of chances that I may get the message I have been longing for for, grieving for, for over 7 years. One I know I may never get, even if it is on a one on one basis, who knows but who am I to deny myself the very opportunity?! 

TODAY is a great day and TODAY I get to cross a line off my 'list' WHO KNEW .. .. ..      


What's Up ?!

.. nothing much .. I heard a song last night, well I actually heard it early that day as well while I had the boys at the park, I was taking a few minutes to reflect (within myself), it has quickly become one of my fav's .. for no certain reason other than the meaning is so broad it can apply to almost anything that may be happening in your life on any given day .. "Say Something" by this Great Big World ~ it has a hint of solitude, sadness, regret, loss and perhaps envy!
Intrigued I looked up the meaning behind the lyrics and found a plethora of definitions and came up with my own; (finally the whole purpose for the entry today) "apathy for nothing and sympathy for everything" isn't that awesome?!

I mean it explains it all, Plain and Simple!!


I have always considered myself an optimistic person, yet sometimes I have been convinced the glass is always half empty..I saw this today and it made me reflect on a comment David made just the other day!

He was heading outside to play and asked if he could have something to drink and take it outside, I had a half empty, excuse me, half full bottle of water that I gave him to take with him, as he took it, looked at it and then turned to me and said "mom, this is almost half gone!" I had a rush of the mouth that wanted to lash back and tell him that his glass will ALWAYS be half full and never look at it to be half empty or gone..

"the wisest of (wo)men should heed their own advice" right?!  Have a great day and enjoy a little reflection!


skating fever!

I pretty sure we don't give David as much credit as he deserves sometimes .. we take him skating all the time, every weekend, most of the time Friday, Saturday and Sunday!
David has a few little buddies that go skating and he is SO excited when they are all there at the same time~he has this one boy he just idolizes, he wants to be like him so bad, David follows him around doing his tricks and stunts~if I might add he keeps up very well, David might even be surpassing his skills :)
This boy is being raised by his grandparents, his mother is in the picture but is not around for daily care (I don't know the entire story). Last night David asked me where this boys mother was "why is he always here with his grandma? did his mom die too?" I told him she did not die "she can't take care of him so he wanted to live with his grandma and grandpa!" David looked a little confused and said "oh" soooooo she is not died like my mother Tanya is, right?!" I said, "No, she is not..." well mom, "then why did my fodder die too?" I told him, "he was sick David, and..." David interrupted me and asked "they could take care of me and they loved me, they just died right?" Yes, that is right son, "O.K. and you and daddy always wanted a boy like me so that is why I came to live with you, right mom, right?!" Absolutely son, ABSOLUTELY!

I know I have recited his curiosity before, his inquisitions, wonders, concerns but each time they pull just a little harder on my, on our heart strings ~ I can't tell you why, and the answer is always the same, I guess I worry he needs the confirmation, but why, he did not suffer the loss I have suffered, he truly knows no other, I can't put my finger on it ~ maybe some day it will all come together, maybe I am anticipating too much and expecting way less?!



only a little sad..

 I read a post this morning from a dear friend who has REALLY been through it, face it, we all have at one time or another in our lives, anyone who will not own up to it is either A-fibbing (and totally shorting yourself the lessons) or B-making a difference because of it!

It is the little things and the bigger picture I personally like to look at ~  I like to reflect on the little things I have done for myself as well for others, I try to see the bigger impact it will have down the road and pray it will have more affect on them than it did for me, is this what we call paying it forward?

What do they say? "the past is the past because it is gone, the present is a gift from God so make today count?"

It must be needing a friend day, I read and engaged in another post with an old school friend and as she confirmed she has had some bumps the last few years she also confessed she has had to change her ways of thinking to find her blessings and  peace. I countered with; our old ways of thinking, believing and living may not have been what we thought them to be, we are never too old to re-think the possibilities of a life we never thought we could have ~ this may include a loss, a death, a divorce and whatever to whomever, it is still a step forward to realize and acknowledge that change can make a difference, and that you have to make that first step, is this what we call Life's Lessons?

A recently widowed LEO (law enforcement officer (wife) posted that she was obviously still having a hard time dealing with the sudden loss of her husband, killed on duty and hour before he was to get off work. The post continued saying how cruel it was of some people to (want to) befriend a widowed woman and how she should delete most of these people, it is like slowing down on the freeway to see what happened on a crash site, you slow down because you want to know ever little detail but there is no way in hell you want to be any part of it!  
As a fellow LEO wife I can not imagine, I have the pleasure of being on her friend's list yet I can't offer much more than that, I can't offer any words of advice as I have never experienced such a loss and would not want to. I can offer my understanding of being married to someone who upholds the highest integrity, honesty and passion for saving human lives as he puts his on the line each night he leaves his family to do what he has been trained to do ~ he's not only risking his life, he is risking his families as well, if he returns home it is a gift, if he does not return home it is not just a loss of his life, a part of his entire family dies as well! It is what he signs up to do and it is what we sign up to do as their spouses ~



the time has come . . .

...he questions me from time to time and they seem to be as innocent as he is but lately they have gotten a little more intense, and I think it is just me feeling the pressure and him being curious as well as very observant!

I was closing down shop, getting ready for bed .. getting some extra love & hugs from my little man when I started to take my nightly medication ..
Me-getting meds out of the cupboard (David’s aid case falls)
D-OH I have been looking for those…
Me-what son?
D-my hearing aids mom…
Me-you have? Since when?
D-since I can’t hear, duh! He is cracking himself up…I’m supposed to wear it like I do at school…
Me-I know, I’ve been telling you that (he interrupts me) HERE IT COMES~
D-Mom, why did god make me like this?
Me-like what son?
D-you know, special…
Me-he made you very special, you are a very special little boy…(he has THAT look)
D-NO MOM, tell me, please tell me why he made me so I can’t hear??!!
Me-speechless... But O.K. …god makes everyone special, he just choose to make you extra special…
D-what do you call me?
Me-I call you my little angel… (he’s confused) & we are obviously NOT on the same page…
D-NO MOM, what do you call it because I can’t hear?? Like I am disappointed errrr something?!
Me-are you trying to say disability?
D-YES, that is what they say I have at school, because I am “death” in my ear and I have to wear the hearing aid in class to hear my teachers…
Me-(mama bear mode now) do people make fun of you at school??
D-no, my teachers say it is OK to have a disability that is why they help me in my class and I see Mr. R on Monday’s and get treats…
Me-I love you son…& I am very proud of you (that is all I could muster up after this 15 minute talk)

I guess the talks will come whether I/we are prepared or not…I just wish I had a script and not like I need to know what to tell him because I will never lie to him or hide the truth, I may talk on "his" terms of understanding but I would never lead him to believe something that was or was not what it seemed or for that fact was meant to be! 



...is it truly possible for grief to never, ever go away completely? I thought the 8 or 10 steps one experiences helps the process move along..I mean you still miss them terribly each and every second of each and every day but the grief itself, when does it subside? I know I am banging my head into the wall with this question and I know I probably don't want the true answer, but at the same time, I NEED ANSWERS DAMMIT!
I have always told myself that I never had time to grieve, the process was too long and I had to much to do, I mean I had just gained a newborn literally over night, where would I have ANY time at all, for anything, now OR in the {near} future?
Maybe I am making a little progress, I don't cry every single day anymore, just on special occasions and days he reminds me of her, and I still celebrate her birthday with him with balloons and cupcakes. I can better handle my emotions on {most} days I know have significance but the days that don't I feel completely out of control (today was one of them) and I can't even explain it, there is nothing to blame it on, NOTHING special about today at all other than I miss her & the hurt is deep!
I have been having overwhelming urges (I always have, they are just bad for some reason lately) to see her, speak to her, have her near me, touch and hug her, why isn't he enough, he is literally her twin....is it a life time commitment I'm not willing to spend a life time on perhaps or perhaps it would be better if I was able to completely grieve and accept the lose, move forward without ever looking back, but would I really want to do that, never ever looking back, would that mean I would have lost our last days, hours, minutes and seconds together as I was by her side, these, the most precious memories that I am left with?
I live with a deepened emptiness every single day, I live with the extreme pain of my loss as well as his, I live with the fact that I have not grieved and I fear it is slowly killing me inside, it has been nearly 8 years now, why does it still seem like it was yesterday I rode that elevator at least 6 times before I could step foot off which meant I had to accept she was really gone!

When does grief turn into to sorrow, are they one in the same? I cannot pretend that neither one exist, am I ashamed I still feel the gravity pull? To deal with it I first must acknowledge it, to love her is to live with it!!


Inquisitive minds want to know..

he wants to know if this is "your married ring mom" you know, the day you and me and daddy got married together!

he wants to know how to marry a girl, well, I mean, how do I ask her?

he wants to know when he gets big and drives, when he turns 10 that he can go to the mall and buy video games and play them online with his big brothers..

he wants to make sure that he can live with me and daddy forever, he doesn't want to leave because he says I will cry, right mom??

he wants to make sure when people die they turn into butterfly's and come back and play with you all the days and nights!

he wants to know what we are doing every minute of every single day!

he wants to know that PaPa is his best friend..

he wants to WHY he can't ask why all the time..


I know a secret..

Are secrets really meant to be kept?
Does he REALLY want to know what I know?
If I keep it from him, is it doing him a favor or injustice?
What if he hates what I have to tell him and gets mad, or what if he gets mad because I didn't tell him?
This a total catch-22!!
Will I be ready for ALL the questions that come with a few simple words?
What if he never asks, do I volunteer to tell him anyway?

People say he will ask in time (which I get some questions now) and "you will know when the time is right"...SO, I guess until the time is right the secret shield will continue to protect him from a past he never knew!



If this doesn't make you think just how short our individual lives could be then I don't know what would?! I have been contemplating this question for a few hours believe it or not and I can not think of anything I would do!
If you think about it long enough there are a million things that come rushing to your mind, go here, go there, go see this person, say this to that person, buy this and that, I think you get the idea..

My only question is why wouldn't you do these things on ANY given day, why the {rush} the day before you knew it was your last?! ?! The meaning {can} tends to get lost if it is felt to not be sincere ~ perhaps only done because it has to be said or done ~ then is it really for you or the other person?!

I think I would ultimately want to sit at the edge of the beach line and relish in the fact that I lived a fulfilling life and all the things that needed to be said and done were and that I did not want for one more {material} thing~


the fixer-upper..

how can something so right be so wrong? WAIT, isn't that a country song, sigh! 
when you know someone's past, you know what they have been through, you completely understand it, you grieve for them and have compassion ~ you seemed to have conveniently over looked some important advice ~ perhaps because of who it may have came from, you continue to trip over the warning signs and surprisingly you still have deep faith that things will come together and be the way you KNOW they can be and quite frankly should be?! 

is there a reason you have a passion for fixing things?? is there a reason everyone one comes to you when they have no where else to go, is there a reason you have the voice to soothe a broken or misguided heart and the soul of an unsung angel?? 

until there is a concrete answer never give up on those who need you and pray to god that the one day you are in need someone will be there to fix you up!! 

MY heaven on earth!



to know him is to know his bear...

where do his obsessions come from? is it genetic, is it something he knows that I don't? he is the bravest little boy I have ever personally met, he needs constant reassurance, he needs to know why a million times and he needs to know he is loved...he gets extremely nervous very easily, he obsesses over the little and fear of the big really scares him...

BUT as long as he has his bear in tow, he's confident he can conquer the world!! he is easy to read, when he is tired, when he hurts, when he is nervous (and too cool to show it) he will place him in his backpack or have it wrapped near his face for that extra comfort...

I/we give him tons of love and reassurance, I wonder why the need for more? he asks all the time "who got me 'dis bear mama?" I will smile big and answer him that I got that for his mother Tanya before he was born and she hugged it tight until you got here, he smiles back and says "this is the most special bear ever, I will keep him forever!" SO to see this picture is to know him and his bear...ready to walk into the Monster Truck Jam he was just as scared as he was excited for our fun "family date night", "because we all got married to each other right mom, we did it together right daddy?" Yes, David, YES we did!! 


oh this little man!

this morning my little bundle of joy woke up in a great mood, jumping in my arms, throwing his legs around me and hugging me tight..as I walked in to wake him up for school..

"I had a good sleep mama!" 

"I am glad baby..."

"Did you sleep o.k. mama?"

"I slept o.k..."

"Mama, you know what? you are the best-est mom cuz' you rock!"

"You think so huh?!"

"Ya' cuz' you love me a lot and daddy too!"

It is literally the littlest things that can make your day~as he dresses and bee-bops down the stairs humming and smiling I stood in his doorway with a tear in my eye and a very full heart..one last look back up to me..

"Are you coming mama?"

I recite to myself "yes baby, I will follow you forever and a day!" 


A year and a half they say, I say it is more like a moment in time!  That is what it feels like to me, I can not believe it has been this long since I have pecked away at this keyboard and picked away at my brain..

Time has not eluded me, I have been extremely busy and partially ashamed for neglecting my thoughts, fears, joys and triumphs but I guess a masterpiece is not made in a day, a month, or even a years time so there is room for improvement, right? 

So for now I will leave you with this gorgeous view (wishing you were here right now? ME too) and promise to be back sooner than later!!