as simple as a kiss....

he wakes me with a kiss on the cheek as he asks "are they monsters downstairs" I reply, no there are NO monsters as I fight to open my eyes....

I hear the tiny footsteps creep downstairs, then nothing and for a slight moment fall back asleep in time to hear that sweet voice from below "mom, can I have a brownie" this is repeated at least 4x because I KNOW he will not hear my reply so I lay waiting....

I hear the footsteps, this time in a more hurried motion, as they reach the top of the stairs I anticipate the greeting, I feel his nose on mine and here it comes, "mom can I have a brownie and cereal with milk hen you take me to Starbucks, ok, ok, geddup please now mama"

how does one NOT wake up with a smile on their face and a loved soul!!

GOOD Morning big boy, MaMa's getting up now......

speaking on HIS behalf....

how do you grieve a soul that would not have grieved for yours?

perhaps it is forgive but never forget?  is it that your love for life leads you to believe all soul's are good, there is no evil?  yet can't help forget the tainted past and the last conversation?  is this what God REALLY wants us to remember or is it a step in grieving the lose of your last sibling?

we do learn by example and even at my age, I continue to learn from my father..love, trust and most of all forgive!

he is an amazing man whom is faced with demons he has a hard time fighting, for he has fought the ultimate fight of war and still feels defeated.  he has lost all 3 of his siblings in a matter of 3.5 years and yet still remains to be the "rock" of our little family, always worried about others and never speaks of himself, wonder where we get it from..

I LOVE YOU dad and as ALL the other tragedies, we will get through this, as a family, a family you created and built with your love, trust and most of all, FORGIVENESS!!


they say it comes in 3's...

I think I will take a free pass God and let it rest at 2 for now.  This being the 5 year milestone for Tanya's passing along with the fact I lost a very dear friend and co-worker suddenly and tragically and now news of my uncle, my dad's last sibling left, all within this "lovely time of year"!!   I think I'm deserving, don't you?

I have a lot of prayers and a lot of well wishes I have to send out, at once, so please allow me this time to do so so everyone can receive them in the fashion I know you want me to give them.

I'm keeping my Av'a close in my prayers as she has lost 3 of her 4 children in the last 3.5 years and my father, the rock of the family, passing the torch to me, but I know on most days lately I could simply lose my mind in an instant.  I so want to take the pain from him but know I simply don't have the energy to carry it all for him, so please guide me in helping and being there for him when he needs it most. 



IF it helps....

we walked beside her each and everyday as she silenced her inner pain, we knew nothing more.....

she will silently walk beside each of us as we grieve our inner pain and struggle with questions we long for and the answers only she holds.....

may your journey be a safe one as you continue to look down on us!!


I told him....

as stubborn as I am called I'm also just as passionate and I am definitely not a quitter! 

he took comfort in those simple words...THANK YOU...

the line up is as follows.....




as the imagination runs amuck and the action becomes more intense, he plays the rolls as if he is saving the world....THIS gives me all the confidence I need to be certain he can and WILL accomplish all he sets his mind to in his life!!
he is a very happy boy and just turning 5 years old!!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY my little angel xoxo


to stay or to go...

it has got to be the most selfish act one can preform. it rips families & people apart and forces them to take blame for your actions, your decision to end it all when you think you are the only one who matters.

in one's mind that is contemplating such an act, they are not thinking of their loved one, their families and how they will be affected, they are taking blame for much more than any of us left behind will ever truly understand. they are making a decision, in their mind that TOTALLY justifies the act of suicide they are about to preform upon themselves.

it is a disease, I honestly believe this, they are ill and whether we knew and choose to turn our heads to it or had NO clue what-so-ever, it is a tragedy all the same. being on the front lines with a family member committing this act several years back, it took a long time to come to grips with the decision HE made and the family he left behind to pick up the pieces and move forward. he had only 1 possession in his wallet when they found him, my home phone number, I struggled with this for years, and came to the conclusion that he knew he could call anytime, any hour but simply choose not to, I have to respect that and take comfort in him being in a much better place, at least in his mind as he will forever live in my heart!!

RIP LW  ^j^
and never forgotten Anthony


it's just a word...

Yourself {worth}

WHY is this the word we all crave yet in time of need it is the last thing we want/need to hear?!?!

a simple question, right?!?!

he says from the back seat "your my mama, right", I reply yes baby boy, I am your mama.  he says NO, "YOUR MY MAMA", I look at him through the mirror and smile while my heart cry's and reply, YES DAVID, YOUR MY MAMA!!  THAT is what he was looking for..

what is a simple {question} validation to him becomes a confirmation for me. 
he may never know just how important this exchange was!


where did this come from?

it feels like a mule just kicked you right square in the chest....it is SO unexpected that you can't even speak, yet your silence will most likely bring more accusations of guilt....guilt you have none of, guilt that is being forced upon you and "swears" that make you go where you never want{ed} to go, especially when it is to someone whom should have he utmost ultimate faith & trust in you....

a few people this, actually a handful of people that, who now have a seed planted onto them that they have no idea how to process, a seed that will now follow YOU for a long time to come, if not forever!!  HOW does one defend that?  HOW does one acme face-to-face with `these` said people?  HOW does one stop shaking long enough to compose a word, or gather a thought?

HE will never know, he honestly will NEVER know!!


who knew...

who would have know going from PURE estrogen to PURE testosterone would be an experience that would completely change my world!! 

half the time I have NO idea what they are talking about and miss the days when I would be summonsed to a tea party or a dress up fashion show. 

it has all been replaced with dance moves and action figures and monster trucks that rest at me ankles wherever I walk.

I simple smile and repeat "it must be a boy thing" :)

he may or may not ever know...

to know and a child's love is to know NO other!

to feel a child's a love is to feel complete!

knowing all the time it could all be taken away, at any given moment, yet confidant it won't sheds a whole new light in raising him, giving him direction and making him understand your comfort and love!


it was my first love till the first one came along....

it took her 2 years to be convinced, it took him 2 seconds..  perhaps resistance or just reservation..  what others see, you are always blind too..  two people very much alike but consumed by other lives..  a voice, a note is all she needed until it is taken away and thought to never return..  does one give up or give hope that there will be that "one" time you be able to speak your true feelings, perhaps just your gratitude for a friendship you thought you would never be privileged to again..  in this circle of life, it's choices and decisions that are made by others and presumed onto you, you wish if you will and wish if you may..  two souls that have searched a lifetime and settled for what was in the 'meantime' can now live the first day of the rest of their lives!!   


the excitement....

of seeing his papa after nearly 2 weeks was almost more than he could stand!  knowing only the good in this big ole' world is something I wish I could preserve for him for the rest of his life!!

love mom


good deeds......

never go unnoticed, or so they say!

what if the impact you thought was one that you could have NEVER even of imagined? 

what if the impact truly changed a life and NOT the one that it was intended for?

what IF you had a single hand in turning someone in the right direction when they had come to the most difficult cross-road, perhaps in their entire life?

knowing that the decision is completely on them and OUT of your hands..

knowing you did a kind deed, one of great courage and honor and sincerest of intentions..

THAT would be worth a set of wings for sure...just add to the collection I say!

he has NO idea.....

what an impact such words have!!

"mama, thank you for buying me 2 "purprises" you bought them cuz you love me and I a good boy huh"?

Yes baby, I did and I do, a whole bunch!!

$1 store water gun {that won't make it 2 hours}

a baseball to match the 10+ I'm sure he have lying around all over the house...


when a life changing decision needs to be made

my eyes began to swell and the tears appeared..

he said I want you to know that I have no anxiety, animosity or second thoughts about all this, this is what I signed on for, the whole package, you and him...

he read my mind as the words I could not speak...leaving me with total confidence and leaving me pondering if "I" am the one holding all the animosity, anxiety and second thoughts....


at nearly 5 yrs old....

how does he know beauty?

leaving my hair salon this morning "your pwetty mama, I wike your hair a yot"

just a quick thought....

with love comes loss

with tears comes joy

with fear comes hope

with anger comes relief

with honesty comes lies

with life comes death.....

and so on..live, breath and act like this is your very last moment you may have to make your last first impression!


my wish....for you....

is that this life is all that you want it to be.  as you face diversity before you even know what the word means, just give me more ambition to make it easier for you to accomplish ANYthing you see possible and that all your dreams will come to you as easy as they are to wish!!

just a little encouragement for you, ok, for me as I struggle with decisions about your future today...I love you David and already are SO PROUD of you...

Ludge, MOM

they say im wise....nah...im just experienced!!

NEVER settle for something less than getting EVERYTHING you deserve!!


it had to be.............

the HAPPIEST day of my life!!

I will wish no more.....

April 23rd, 2011