Inquisitive minds want to know..

he wants to know if this is "your married ring mom" you know, the day you and me and daddy got married together!

he wants to know how to marry a girl, well, I mean, how do I ask her?

he wants to know when he gets big and drives, when he turns 10 that he can go to the mall and buy video games and play them online with his big brothers..

he wants to make sure that he can live with me and daddy forever, he doesn't want to leave because he says I will cry, right mom??

he wants to make sure when people die they turn into butterfly's and come back and play with you all the days and nights!

he wants to know what we are doing every minute of every single day!

he wants to know that PaPa is his best friend..

he wants to WHY he can't ask why all the time..


I know a secret..

Are secrets really meant to be kept?
Does he REALLY want to know what I know?
If I keep it from him, is it doing him a favor or injustice?
What if he hates what I have to tell him and gets mad, or what if he gets mad because I didn't tell him?
This a total catch-22!!
Will I be ready for ALL the questions that come with a few simple words?
What if he never asks, do I volunteer to tell him anyway?

People say he will ask in time (which I get some questions now) and "you will know when the time is right"...SO, I guess until the time is right the secret shield will continue to protect him from a past he never knew!



If this doesn't make you think just how short our individual lives could be then I don't know what would?! I have been contemplating this question for a few hours believe it or not and I can not think of anything I would do!
If you think about it long enough there are a million things that come rushing to your mind, go here, go there, go see this person, say this to that person, buy this and that, I think you get the idea..

My only question is why wouldn't you do these things on ANY given day, why the {rush} the day before you knew it was your last?! ?! The meaning {can} tends to get lost if it is felt to not be sincere ~ perhaps only done because it has to be said or done ~ then is it really for you or the other person?!

I think I would ultimately want to sit at the edge of the beach line and relish in the fact that I lived a fulfilling life and all the things that needed to be said and done were and that I did not want for one more {material} thing~


the fixer-upper..

how can something so right be so wrong? WAIT, isn't that a country song, sigh! 
when you know someone's past, you know what they have been through, you completely understand it, you grieve for them and have compassion ~ you seemed to have conveniently over looked some important advice ~ perhaps because of who it may have came from, you continue to trip over the warning signs and surprisingly you still have deep faith that things will come together and be the way you KNOW they can be and quite frankly should be?! 

is there a reason you have a passion for fixing things?? is there a reason everyone one comes to you when they have no where else to go, is there a reason you have the voice to soothe a broken or misguided heart and the soul of an unsung angel?? 

until there is a concrete answer never give up on those who need you and pray to god that the one day you are in need someone will be there to fix you up!! 

MY heaven on earth!



to know him is to know his bear...

where do his obsessions come from? is it genetic, is it something he knows that I don't? he is the bravest little boy I have ever personally met, he needs constant reassurance, he needs to know why a million times and he needs to know he is loved...he gets extremely nervous very easily, he obsesses over the little and fear of the big really scares him...

BUT as long as he has his bear in tow, he's confident he can conquer the world!! he is easy to read, when he is tired, when he hurts, when he is nervous (and too cool to show it) he will place him in his backpack or have it wrapped near his face for that extra comfort...

I/we give him tons of love and reassurance, I wonder why the need for more? he asks all the time "who got me 'dis bear mama?" I will smile big and answer him that I got that for his mother Tanya before he was born and she hugged it tight until you got here, he smiles back and says "this is the most special bear ever, I will keep him forever!" SO to see this picture is to know him and his bear...ready to walk into the Monster Truck Jam he was just as scared as he was excited for our fun "family date night", "because we all got married to each other right mom, we did it together right daddy?" Yes, David, YES we did!! 


oh this little man!

this morning my little bundle of joy woke up in a great mood, jumping in my arms, throwing his legs around me and hugging me tight..as I walked in to wake him up for school..

"I had a good sleep mama!" 

"I am glad baby..."

"Did you sleep o.k. mama?"

"I slept o.k..."

"Mama, you know what? you are the best-est mom cuz' you rock!"

"You think so huh?!"

"Ya' cuz' you love me a lot and daddy too!"

It is literally the littlest things that can make your day~as he dresses and bee-bops down the stairs humming and smiling I stood in his doorway with a tear in my eye and a very full heart..one last look back up to me..

"Are you coming mama?"

I recite to myself "yes baby, I will follow you forever and a day!" 


A year and a half they say, I say it is more like a moment in time!  That is what it feels like to me, I can not believe it has been this long since I have pecked away at this keyboard and picked away at my brain..

Time has not eluded me, I have been extremely busy and partially ashamed for neglecting my thoughts, fears, joys and triumphs but I guess a masterpiece is not made in a day, a month, or even a years time so there is room for improvement, right? 

So for now I will leave you with this gorgeous view (wishing you were here right now? ME too) and promise to be back sooner than later!!