just part of the routine...

I had to work the weekend so my folks would be watching David.  I would be taking him down before I went to work tonight, my daughter had plans and would be staying at her dad's this weekend. My folks offered for me to come and stay when I got off work, to work and drive to sleep fast and get up to drive all the way back was a bit much, I needed a little quiet and this gave me the perfect opportunity.  I missed David terribly but they enjoyed him more!

I didn't pack much but the clothes on his back, we maintained a "normal" set-up at their house, we agreed this made David feel comfortable to have a lot of his same 'stuff' when he was there, his home away from home.
I worried when David was away from me, our home, our safety, this whole experience has intensified my security and comfort zone from a 2 to an 11.  ..sigh
My folks still smoked which was NOT a good environment for David, the doctors have even been as bold to tell them when they would visit David in the hospital.  They claimed to {now} not smoke in the house when he was there, they only smoked outside, well, fine and dandy but you STILL carry it in with you and it transfers to him, sigh, this is a never ending battle! ): one that my energy or resources can over come, at least not at this moment.

David LIT up when he saw his papa and his papa just melts, this is DEFINITELY my dad's medicine if you will.  I had a few minutes to spare before I had to head back to town to get some grub and get to work, sooo I took a seat outside, it was a beautiful day and I loved the 'back porch'.  My dad had taken David in the house to my mom and he was coming back out to visit before I had to leave.  I miss my dad, I love him so much!! 
We chatted for a little while when my mom had come outside, said she had laid David down for a nap .. I gave my salutations then I headed to work. 


daily stuff...

I woke up feeling a little better, David's good mood helped me, that smile of his is electric & those eyes, you would have to see them to believe me!
I had a few hours before I needed to get my daughter so I took David for a walk, he loved being outside and it gave me a chance to breath some fresh air and not smelly diapers..:)

David was content when we came back to play in his walker and watch a little TV and follow me around the house while I picked up and did cooking. David was like a little puppy at this stage, always under feet and mouth open, wasn't too much he did not like or would at least try.  My girl's were always picky eaters, good eaters but none the less picky, it must have been a girl thing, not used to boys and I hear they eat you out of house and home, ohh, sooo, can't wait!

I got another call/text from David's father early afternoon asking if he could come down today and see David, I agreed although it would put a bind in my schedule, make it close as far as pick up for my daughter and me leaving for work, BUT felt I needed to accommodate him when he asked, sigh...
He replied he would be at my place about 2:00 p.m. and he would have money and some formula, not the full case that should have been ready at the pharmacy, I thought strange but I would call them after he left to see what was going on since I had not gotten a call from my mom either, they usually called her since she lived in the same town as well as being listed as "next of kin".
David's father arrived a few minutes late but I was learning this meant nothing as he would still be gone within the hour visit I/we had initially agreed on.  David was still too little to "know" and was just happy to have a play-mate, their attention span was about equal so it was all good for a few minutes of quiet for me.  The hour, or less always seemed to fly by, it was that time and he was gone.  He handed me some cash and didn't mention anything about the formula as he left. 
It was yet again less than what we had talked about/agreed on, but who was I to be picky, I was at least getting something, right??

I showered while David napped since my time was going to be tight.  David must have been super tired, he slept hard, I had to wake him up to go get 'sissy' from school.  It would definitely be a pizza or burger night before I had to go to work. 
I called my mom on my way to the school and inquired about the formula.  My mom said she did receive a call from the pharmacy and had not had a chance to call me yet today.  It was only a half of a case, now that David was getting older and the WIC program would be cutting off when he is a year old, his insurance was now being changed over to his father's employer so the benefit would not be available once he reached a year old in just a few months.  My mom asked if he has paid me anything lately since she was involved in what he and my sister had agreed on prior to David being born.  I told her he gave me some last month as well as today, but it was less than what he and I had even agreed on which was a little more than what he and my sister had discussed.  He was a man of control, I saw this early and ALWAYS had my dad in my ear {as a reminder} about the kind of man he was with my sister and how I needed to always "beware". 
This was a subject that repulsed me and hated having with my folks at any time, yet I needed to have it since they were also listed as guardians and reminded me often.  I knew they would not fight me on any decision I made, any plans I discussed with David's father OR any arrangements I made, they had to have their 'say-so', I get it, no really, I GET IT!!


what's a sperm worth anyway?

How freaking slow did that night drag?  Once I came home and FINALLY got to sleep it was time to get right back up again, this was not going to be pretty.  I came home from taking my daughter to the bus stop and had a phone call from David's father, requesting me to bring him down for a visit before he went to work this afternoon, that was NOT going to happen today what so ever!  I text that I was into my work week and if he wanted to visit then he was more than welcome to come down and see him, I was about due for formula, although he was not so dependent on it anymore and some support money was due as well.  I sent the message off and then regretted it, ALWAYS check your text before you send it off, rule of thumb, right?
I got a quick response actually which said he would NOT be able to come down before work, it would just be too hectic for him, REALLY? and it wouldn't be for me?  "buffoon" I thought to myself as I worried if this would be held against me in the courts eyes...sigh

I was still SO worried about all the legalities of this whole guardianship thing and how it worked and 'what' rights he really had, I was certain they would be "nil to none" but I also know with my current job and background knowledge he could be awarded it all if he showed good efforts and turned his life around, which I was certain was not gonna happen, but feared it all the same!
I could NOT fathom my life without this little guy in it, I think I would literally go insane if he was taken away, as much as I've told myself, he is 'not' yours, he was here, in my home, in my care, and I was his guardian, awarded by the courts and I took an oath to do everything in my power to raise him as my own child and keep him safe.

I had made a rule for myself from day one to document every single contact I had with is father and the notations were already a half binder thick, this is gonna be fun {insert sarcasm}!
My dad was still 'anti-sperm donor' and I had no "real" outlet to talk about all the stuff I was dealing with as far as his father was concerned, this was something very very foreign to me, I knew of NO ONE else who was going through nor had gone through something like this ever before-Family Birth/Sudden Sickness/Tragic Death/NICU Preemie/Baby Daddy/Court fight/DNA testing/Court granted Guardianship all within a time frame of 2 weeks??  Who does that, ever?!?!  Who even {wants} to understand it all?!?! 
Again, feeling very very alone & overwhelmed..any/each one of these "excitement/grief" scenarios carries at least a few months of adjustment minimum, right, what happens when they all come at once?  I mean what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?  I'm just trying to justify to myself why on any given day I get out of bed and attempt to function for the sake of ME!!  It is pure survival at this point and where it goes from here is in god's hands!

David's ready for a morning snack and nap and I think it best I take one too!!


doing the right thing?

Last day off, it is laundry and errand day, did I miss my day of rest?  sneaky little thing always seems to be hiding from me!
I need to start thinking about purging and packing, I know I will be all alone in this process, sigh, WHERE did all this crap come from anyway?

I had the opportunity to have a long talk with my bff later that night, he put a lot in perspective for me, he also offered to help me move and get me settled into my new place, it was an offer I could not refuse, I needed all the help I could get.
I went to bed this night counting my blessings, I often feel so very alone even in a room full of people!!

I woke up to David singing and talking to himself, he was, if I can say again, a very happy baby, very little bothered him at all, unless food ran short before HE was ready to be done.  I laid in bed as long as he let me, I often think he knew my schedule better than I did...
I walked over to the crib just as he was standing up and that smile seemed to have made the early hour much more acceptable.  We got up, got fed and then relaxed while I prepped the house and David for yet another work week, my daughter would be home right after work today, we would be able to have nice dinner before I had to scoot out. 

My daughter got home, finished her homework and actually had time to eat and visit before I had to leave.  My daughter asked if I had found a place to move to, I told her I had and I would be leaving at the end of the month..her response, look was not one of disappointment but one of sadness, this crushed me, made me angry, WHY was I having to deal with such a tragedy and new little, fragile life to make a difference and I felt like it was only making my daughters "sadder" and possibly even hateful towards me, I hoped & prayed this was never the case but it definitely hurt that bad!
Not much more was said after that, she tended to David who was a little fussier than normal this afternoon and I finished getting ready to leave.

My drive to work was a wet one, in my eyes anyway-how can one person feel like 2 completely different people at the same exact time??  I was excited to move closer to my folks, yet not back to the small town I grew up in, I was relieved the girl's would not be burdened anymore, they could have their freedom back and have a {somewhat} normal teen/early adult life that they deserved, what we had gained after my divorce and prior to David, which was only less then 1.5 at this point and be given the proper time to grieve & move forward in their lives, leaving me devastated that I was moving away to try and build a life I was completely uncertain of what lied ahead for us all...
Sometimes being an adult and {trying} to do the right thing just SUCKED!!


the search is on...

We got home in time for a much needed long nap for us BOTH!  I slept till it was time to go pick up my youngest from school, a couple of hours was better than nada...It was a relax night at home, after dinner we sat and talked while she did homework and my oldest came by after work for a visit.  We all knew what I was doing tomorrow and just didn't have the energy to talk anymore about it, I felt it would be beating a dead horse.
It was bath time for David, my youngest was already up in her room and I called it "stair time" for this mama!  I sat for over 2 hours and tried to think of what the future held, where exactly was I going in this journey, just what was going to happen, what would be the ultimate outcome?  REALLY, these questions were NOT going to be answered anytime soon, I was beginning to realize that they may NEVER be answered, I needed 'for sures' how many more days could I just go through the motions and whatever happens happens?  This was SO foreign to me, yet I had no choice in ANY of it...sigh
I was finally ready for bed, I needed to take a cry, I mean a hot shower to help me relax a little more and a decent sleep I would pray for.

GOOD morning was the next thing I heard, my daughter was standing over David's crib and he was having a morning conversation with his sissy, this was the sweetest thing, it was definitely the mood booster I needed this morning! 
We got up and took my daughter to the bus stop then David and I headed to Madera where I would be on the hunt for our new residence, sigh...I arrived and was greeted by my dad at the gates, he, they were SO happy to see David, it had been a couple of weeks since they actually saw him last.  I was off on my adventure, I went by one complex and had a tour, I wanted to at least check out one more before I made my decision, it was a little closer to my folks and on the right side of town, it was a small town and the pickings were slim :)
The 2nd complex was a larger and only a mile, if that from my folks house and they offered as well as had available 3 bedroom units and upstairs like I had wanted.  It was all pretty much a done deal by the time the tour was done and the paperwork filled out. With my 30 day notice turned into my condo and the 2 week wait for this unit I would quite possibly have to stay with my folks for a week or so. 
On  my way back to pick up David I had called my guy bff, HE would know what to do, he would listen and give his advice and ALWAYS make me feel tons better about what I thought was NOT going to happen, I know, confusing, right?  He assured me it would all work out, what is meant to be will be and it always works out in the end!  I knew but needed to know at the same time.  I thanked him for the pep talk and we would talk later tonight if he was available, his reply, ALWAYS!!

David was napping when I got back to my folks, so I stuck around and sat outside with my dad while he and my mom slept and enjoyed the company.  I loved being at 'home' and was actually looking forward to being a lot closer and spending more time with my folks, I think we ALL needed to be closer to one another for more reasons than just the obvious, David!
It was time to get my daughter from the farm and drop her off at her dad's for the night, I woke David up and off we went.


my thoughts exactly..

David stayed awake after we took my daughter to the bus stop so I was praying our outing to the center would be uneventful this afternoon, I would totally be pushing for a late morning nappy pooh!
David was good with eating and lounging, he was always good about that when mama needed a little re-charge since there was NO such thing as {solid} sleep in our household anymore.  David had slept for about an hour more and that was the extent of sleep for the time being "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit"  a saying my girl's and I had :)

I had called a few complexes this morning and had told my dad I would be down tomorrow to look at some if they could watch David for me, of course they were more than accommodating which will relieve me of having to take him in and out of the car.  I had not heard from David's dad or I would have tried to make a visit all in one, but I had NO time or patience to deal with that on these days off if I didn't have to...

I loaded a bag & David and off we went, I was a tad nervous for some reason, I'm guessing the unknown of the whole program and site location.  I had heard about it, well, actually lived across the street from the school many, many years prior and knew it was a facility for delayed children so it will be interesting to see the services they offer and the children they accommodate. 
We arrived and were greeted outside by David's worker, he helped me in with David and got us signed in, release forms in hand and off we went into the "play" room.  It was a padded room filled with all sorts of obstacles, age appropriate for David of course, for children whom were not quite walkers yet not full crawlers, if that makes sense at all!  David seemed to be happy and when he was set down, he was really wanting to explore, hence, the purpose of the room.  We were in this room for about 25 minutes then it was activity time in the "infant" room, we walked over the other side of the school into a classroom type setting with little wooden tables and little wooden high chairs, everything was even smaller than what you would see in a kindergarten classroom.
We were invited to eat lunch with the class after some basic floor activities.  David roamed around and liked all the blocks and loose toys.  There were 4 other infants in the room with us, they gathered them all up and placed them all in the high chairs as lunch was on it's way.  David was anxious, he was NO stranger to lunch or snack times.  It was kind of strange for me to NOT be involved in feeding or taking care of him, but I was asked to fill out some more paperwork while David was eating and was assured the staff would keep a watchful eye on him, plus I'm certain they wanted to see how he reacted without me by his side for their observation {reports} etc...
David was 10 months old now and he was very active, he had NO lack of energy, that is for sure.  I was there ALL the time and was very afraid to leave his side, a protective thing, a fear thing, I really don't know but to leave his side without my "safety"/comfort people with him, was foreign and a bad feeling for me.

Our time at the center was over, we loaded up and prepared to leave, we set another appointment time for 2 weeks from now, I would give the program a few more tries and see how David reacted on a second visit and with me observing from another room. This was a free service provided to us so it could only be a benefit David at this point was my reasoning.
I had called my oldest daughter to tell her about our appointment and she requested to go with me the next time to see what it was about, she was certain David did NOT need this service and feared he would be adversely affected by the 'other' children at the center.  David was too young to know there was even a difference, it was a social thing for him I believe at this age although I had thought the same thing to myself. 


pull em' up

I pondered all day and most of the night about my decision to move closer to my folks so I could relieve the girl's and have the {steady} help I needed with David.  My oldest was already out and the youngest was spending a lot more time at her dad's, this broke my heart and I knew the toll this was taking on them, I worried it was coming between us, felt it already had and before the damage was irreversible I needed to make things easier for them.  This SUCKED!

I would tell my daughter today that I had made my decision and give my 30 day notice.  My folks were happy I was moving closer and David's father seemed to be happy but gave nothing further. 
My daughter had farm duty after school so when I picked her up I would tell her on our drive home, it was pizza night since as soon as we got home, I would drop them off and head straight to work, it was Friday, I'm looking forward to having some quiet days off.

My daughter seemed sad with a look of relief in her eyes when I told her I had decided that moving was going to be my best option for David at this stage, I told her I would be looking for a 3 bedroom apartment and would love her to move with me but understood at the same time I could not ask her to change schools this late in the game.  I told her I wanted no bad feelings and made sure she understood why I needed to move, she said she knew and understood with the look that said "please don't go mom!" which killed me and put me in a bad place for the entire night.  My oldest was upset but was kind of out of the game anyway at this point, she was in full grief mode, which we all should have been, along with her busy teenage/pre-adult life!

My night seemed to creep by at work, it's not like I had NOTHING on my mind, right??  I had forgotten about David's meeting at the center tomorrow afternoon.  His worker had asked us to come to the center so we could get a feel for or see just how David would respond to some mild social interaction as well as access to more resources for his "play" activities. 
I am tired, feeling physically and mentally worn out and it was looking like there was NO relief in site, so I knew it was going to be a set of days off I would need to pull out my big girl panties and pull them up HIGH and just forge on!