the hardest part....

is letting go...

giving all of your faith

giving all of your trust

giving all your of heart

giving all of your confidence

giving all of your fears

giving all of your tears

giving your entire being

the hardest part...

of letting go is giving everything you've ever believed in and giving it to one human soul for the rest of YOUR lives!!


lessons learned...

...it was THE worst feeling a parent could have, a lost child.  you drill safety into your children, you tell them that strangers are dangerous and will take them away from you yet when they are in trouble and lost, you want them to seek assistance from someone near them.

we happen to be out of town at a function that was outdoors where hundreds of people present.  David decides he wants to play on some bounce house attractions they had for the children to play on.  daddy darrow buys him tickets and he is a 'happy little boy' going from one to the other in full stride.

this one particular one is very large and is an obstacle course of sorts with two starting points.  David attempts to climb on the left side and falls, bounces off the {bottom} pad and lands on the ground with his elbow breaking his fall, he looks at me with an embarrassing look yet determined to win this fight!  he succeeds, as he always seems to do, and continues his way through the rest of the course.  we arrive at the exit to see a child come out that had started at the same time as David but on the right side, I quickly tell daddy darrow to go to the other side as David might come out there and be upset someone was not waiting for him, daddy darrow proceeds to the other side of the spaceship bounce house.

I stand in waiting for a few minutes and NO ONE is coming out of this left side, I get a quick thought that maybe he is out already and he is with daddy darrow and they will be walking up anytime now, not wanting to move just in case I stand my ground.  time goes by, 2 extremely long minutes and I now know something is wrong.  do I stay here, go to the other side, grab the attendant to go look for him, scream his name, about to have a full panic attack I see out of my left eye 2 police officers walking up with David whom has the most terrified look in his eyes I have EVER seen and hope to not see again anytime soon.  he was shoeless, wearing socks only and 2 huge crocodile tears he was trying to hold back until he saw me as I quickly knelt down to grab him up, yet not too fast as to scare him.  he tells me "i not find you mama, where were you?  I tell him "I was waiting right here for you baby" the officer told me he had made it almost two full vendor rows over, probably making his way to the fire truck that was parked a few rows back from the landing strip.  I'm thinking he was going to them since he KNOWS 'they help people' when they need help!

I had to stay calm as to not freak him out yet let him know he was a brave boy and that he did a good job in finding help.  I asked him what he told the officer and he said he told them "I can't find my mommy" and he said they told him we will help you find her.  we made our way over to daddy darrow on the other side and reunited everyone and took a break from the bounce houses...

the rest of the day was uneventful although David stayed close by and wanted to try the other 2 bounce houses that he had not gotten into, one was a little larger w/same entrance and exit which he came out of pretty fast and said "I don't like that one mama, that one will lose me" and we trotted off to the smaller one he liked much better but was obviously still shaken as he came to the mesh and checked on "me" frequently...

it is hard to believe this is something you know every parent will experience yet something that is the most fearful thing you will experience as a parent!!


time spent & energy wasted....

Who cares if you're Black or White, Mexican or Asian?

It is a simple descriptor & nothing that defines you as a person…
Having a job that you must mentally prepare for daily should not include worrying about what people think of you! Such preparedness should not have to consist of what you wear or perhaps even how many tattoos you have…
Do you honestly think that a woman that was just beaten or a child that witnessed a horrific crime or even a man who has just been shot really cares what you're wearing or how many tattoos u have?
Many of us should turn our focus on supporting those close to us, go beyond your family, including those you work with, with praise, taking that extra step, extending ones self.  A small compliment can go a LONG way, your understanding may be just what they were looking for at that very moment! It saddens me more often than none that people will turn to childhood antics to make them feel better about ones self, something that doesn’t even affect them…I guess that is what sets me aside from ‘them’…
I choose to use my energy on those who truly deserve it, those around me who mean something to me and those whom have “earned” the right to be in my life!!


off the wall......

Why do most strive to be consistent while others are consistently inconsistent??

You may not have had control over what you were given, or how you were raised; you DO though have control over how you give it to others..

Don’t mistake my laughter for happiness or my tears for pain..


I'm NOT alone.....am I?

please tell me I am NOT the only one who has ever wanted to stay in bed, pull the covers over my head and hide out, FOREVER!  it could quite possibly be depression is knocking at your door, but then it goes away because you won't answer....THANK GOODNESS

please tell me I am NOT the only one who has put it all out there and then questioned the manner in which it was being received?  I mean why do it in the first place if it is not going to be the gift you intended it to be....YESTERDAY IS THE PAST AND TODAY IS A GIFT, hence WHY IT IS CALLED THE PRESENT

please tell me I am NOT the only one who gets hurt feelings, one who has healed a broken heart, or two! do they ever truly heal? I mean they say you lose a part of you everytime something tragic happens, where does that "PART" come from??

please tell me I am NOT the only one has learned the hard way from my mistakes and that I can acknowledge when I am wrong, put the past behind me and forgive, yet never FORGET!!  that's not a bad thing, RIGHT??

please tell me I am NOT the only one see's the inner beauty in people, is nieve to the fact their is evil in each one of us and that there is a simple class of  "do-gooders" and "rule breakers" amoung us!!

please tell me I am NOT the only one looking for answers where there are none to be found, why it is SO hard to take NO for an answer, given your request to ask is always YES?!?!  I guess it follows the old addage "don't ask a question you don't want the answer to" but but but I DO!!

please tell me I am NOT the only one who has cried over spilt milk!!

please tell me I am NOT the only only who has been lied to....WAIT, now I have to believe there are LIARS amoung us also?? say it is NOT so!!

please tell me I am NOT the only who speeds and had forgotten how to compose a simple letter BY HAND...

please tell me I am NOT the only one who is the ONLY one?!?!


his frequent request...

....of course with everything up to this point nothing runs smoothly when it comes to Mr. David DeMello.  his dentist appointment went well and he was SO BRAVE, almost to the point it was all a dream, we were so so so proud of him and praised him till he laid his head down to rest.

David developed a mass, OK, spot, it looks like a huge white growth on the bottom of his lip where the fillings were performed, on Saturday, procedure was the day before. by Sunday he was not eating and even with his extremely high pain tolerance it was hurting him, he was not eating because of the pain.  I called the dentist Monday morning as I was afraid it was a start of or a staph infection.  I took him in the afternoon and everyone including the receptionist came to see him saying they were all worried about him all day!!

the on-call Dr. looked at him, said he was fine, it was just a huge ulcer that had formed from the stress of the appointment and/or David worrying up to and including the procedure.  David got to play with the train set, get a toy from the token machine and even got a balloon as we left.

as we said our good-byes and left, David tells me, balloon in hand, "I want to go see mudder tanya mom" I try to quietly tell him before he interrupts me, with a louder request because he did not hear me tell him before, "MOM I WANT TO GO SEE MUDDER TANYA" now he has the attention of the entire room and the receptionist asks "where does he want to go?" I look at her and say that is his mother, his mother tanya, when he gets a balloon he likes to often let them go so she can have them, play with them, she stops me and says "Ohhh your gunna make me cry, I'm so sorry I asked!!"  I say it is ok and we wave good-bye.

we get to the car and David says "I can't see the moon, where is mudder tanya today" she is up there baby..."but she died, why she go to the sky mommy?" I told him, everyone that dies goes to heaven, that is where they live..."mudder tanya had me, den kissed me and den died?" Yes David, then you came and lived with me...."o.k. mama, can we go to park when we get home?"  Yes, Yes we can!!


he has this idea she lives in the moon...

...on nights it is full, bright and lights the entire sky he will say "wook mama, how bootaful da moon is, dat where mudder tanya is huh?" I simple reply "yes baby, she is up there watching us!!"

last night was a not so clear night, the clouds were coming in, they were dark and the moon, aka, mudder tanya's house, was only of a crescent shape, that didn't seem to stop his noticing and the barrage of questions was a little more intense this time around....

"mom, wook at the moon, it's following us huh" Yeah, it is kind of dark tonight huh? "yeah...mudder tanya is up there, right?" Yes, David she is, I agree because I simply don't know what else to say, he has visited the cemetery and he knows his mother died and he now lives with me/us. "mudder tanya died huh?  Yes she did David. "what happen to mudder tanya, did she killed her?"  No, David she was sick. "Oh so doctor gave her a shot?" Yeah he did David but she was really sick, she died and went to heaven.  "then I come live with you, huh mama?"  Yes, yes, David you came and lived with me....

the drive and our errands continued, I fought back tears and confirmed daddy darrow was listening as well, he simply shook his head 'yes'. 

we finished our errands and headed back home, he asked to roll the window down and daddy darrow told him "no son, not now, it is getting too cold outside" David replied "o.k. daddy, but hurry mudder tanya is ahead of us, she is going to beat us!!" {in a little excited voice} sooo with a little 'rev' of the truck engine David thought we were in a race with mudder tanya, which did not stop the next round of questions;
"mom, I don't want to go stay with mudder tanya, I want to stay with you!"  O.K., you don't have to go see her, he cut me off, "we can just go visit huh?" I began to reply..Well, and he stopped me again, "did mudder tanya hold me, did she kiss me?" Yes, David she did, she loved you very much and she did hold you and gave you great big kisses.  "and den I come live with you?"  Yes, yes baby boy, then you came and lived with mommy!! 
then all at once it was.... DADDY DARROW hurry, go faster, mudder tanya is beating us!!  and with that, we arrived home and he was focused on a bath and how he did NOT want to wear a pull-up to bed, he was a big boy now and didn't need a diaper, as he called them. 


what is your story.....

I often wonder when I pull up next to someone at a stop light where are they going, where have they been what are they doing up at this hour whether it be my 'wee' a.m. or theirs or could just be the middle of the day.

He has the radio blasting, singing away, snapping his fingers, moving and grooving...would you think he was seconds away from shooting someone a few hours earlier or perhaps that he had to take make a split second decision and take 3 children away from their parents but also quite possibly saved their lives from the situation they were living in?

She has a look of despair, she is tired and just thrown together, a long night out perhaps, just coming home from the bar, work or has she been driving around all night because she was beaten & abused and left her house with the only thing she had on, has been driving for hours just for own safety?

He has a blank stare from behind the wheel, tired and defeated, perhaps a long night at work,  he had taken a life tonight and ponders the accident over and over again trying to make sense of what exactly happened and how it will affect his future?  what about the family of the man who lost his life? 

She is in a hurry, practically passing every car that happens to come in her path, making sure each one she passes knows she is late for her destination.  Does life move that fast that we must be in such a hurry that we forget our manners?

He sits and as the light turns green he is cautious to move, then does so at a snails pace, is he afraid to drive, is he too old to drive, has he been in an accident before?  I'd like to think he has seen it all, and I mean ALL.  I'd venture to say when he began to drive the roads were made of dirt, he DID walk 1 mile to school, in the snow with hand me down shoes and no socks, he fought a war and saw death first hand and he has lived a rich life and will never say poor me! !

A booth at a restaurant, an elder couple sipping coffee, no conversation, just the company, do they not have anything to say to one another, are they angry?  They have been blessed with a beautiful life together, the irony is, they don't have to say a word, the presence of one another and the day they have been given is all they simply ask for at this age/stage in their life!!

I dream of having a job {or rich enough to not worry about money} where I can sit next to someone and ask them "what is your story?"  where the minutes turned into hours yet it seems as not on second had gone by...

EVERY single one has a story to tell, some of interest and some of fiction but before your quick to call them a liar or think that this could NOT have happened think twice of your short comings or I like to consider them blessings, genuinely smile and wish them a good day! !


my observation is...

...is that this little man I call my son is really coming into his own and each day brings me closer and closer to the realization he is growing up too fast!!

a few months ago it was the the "blushing" in his face...I was amazed to see this 'emmotion' come out, I mean who teaches that, how does it come alive?

then I saw his 'true' hurt feeling, I mean the deep down hurt, upper lip {big boy keeping tears back} out as if he was embarrassed about what was said or done to him...and I think it was just a "really stern" NO...

he realizes now when he is in a bad mood and I guess DOES listen to what we say...he was getting whiny in line the other day and I told him if he did not quite he would have to take a nap when we got home, he pleaded "noooo mom, I will drop my attitude" I spun around in horror to see who had possibly witnessed his little fit and then heard his plea, he said it loud enough Japan could have heard him.  I'm certain the cashier was the only one, or she was the only one that commented "oh my he is such a cutie pie"! !
I think he is growing out of naps too, can do good without one but when 'mommy' needs some special cuddle time, we can throw down a 2 or 3 hour'r!! HECK YES...

he has great manners and often keeps track of mine as well as other children when we are out and about, sometimes, again, getting the attention of the entire room, I reinforce his questions/concerns and reinforce his observation's and remind him just how proud I/we are of him...

out of the blue he asked me the other day "mom Halloween is coming huh?" I replied, yes, yes it David...I know pre-school has a lot to do with his awareness now, but to see it blossom is pretty darn cool!!

the thing today was "mom, when I go to bed next time, I want to wear chones, I don't need a pull-up anymore pwzzz"   REALLY, that is MY decision, not yours is what I wanted to tell him, but instead I reassured him that is absolutely something we will work on...**sigh**

my little boy has blossomed into a growing young boy that has only thrived in the environment we have created and for those moments I have no words, my heart over flows with pleasure & excitement for what the next question, concern, day or observation will bring! ! ! ! !