So it read.....

**2 year old post/draft** 
to read this prior to publishing it is a "thing" for sure {shoulder shrug} as well as picking up daily devotionals, again! HAPPY READING my friends...
 

"rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be consistent in prayer."

I guess it is fitting being that I am grasping onto what ever hope I can at this very moment, he and I had our first "riff" since he has been gone, nearly two full months now, so the only thing I know that is certain is that I have been extremely consistent in my prayers!
I have missed only but a couple of days in church and have been faithful with a devotional plan along with talking to God daily, most recently confessing all that I bare on my shoulders, I willingly give onto his....

Our expectations when we become derailed either move us forward into joy or they thrust us into worry and concern - Do I really want to believe that God is wanting us to learn a lesson from such trivial misunderstandings, I thought it was only super important, life critical lessons that he wanted us to learn and grow from, am I wrong? 
I believe I am .. how, I have no clue, I think that is all part of his grand plan as well! SO, I will continue to believe there is always a message that is bigger and better than the one I chose to receive during my derailment and instead of my immediate and sometimes "not so nice" reaction(s) I will make a conscious effort to give thought and purpose to such struggle(s). 

Downloading and being faithful in my daily readings have truly been a god send, no pun or innuendo intended - HONEST!! I have seemed to find (or they have been placed for my choosing) absolute perfect "plans" that have made this particular part of my journey exceptionally meaningful and has opened my eyes more than anything I can recall in a very, very long time.

Although I am saddened by the fact that in nearly two months I am going to bed without saying good night to my husband and our last conversation ended on a particularly bitter note, I take comfort in knowing that I have done what I can do and have made my mind and heart right with the derailment and I have no control over such circumstances to which I have been accused. To say we are living with a little bit of stress is a gross understatement! 
Good Night

Do YOU walk with God?

**WARNING** 2 year old post, YES, I am trying, yet again to become more and more "faithful" to myself and as I read this post, how appropriate it is to publish it today ~ Happy Reading!!
 

WELP! I did it, took the leap today and let me just tell you how good, GREAT it felt to walk back into a church (that didn't burn down).
I knew I was losing it, truly losing it, everything seemed beyond my control yet it was all happening right in front of my face and in lightening speed. I can honestly say that the day I got the phone call that my baby sister was leaving us, I have never experienced such pain and heartache than I have in the last two weeks! I proclaim to be one of the strongest people on earth, I have been through enough so I think, scratch that, I KNOW I am entitled. I will also tell you that I was in no way, shape or form prepared to do what I have done and will have to do for the next few months.
I was silently asking for help, because it is in NO way acceptable for me to ask for real, a curse maybe, safety net, for sure. I grew up in a traditional Catholic family, the events faded as my family grew, but the Sunday's at my grandparents was a for sure thing until my grandfather became ill and passed away my senior year of high school, this would be the first time I experienced death. Whether my parents shielded me from any of it in my younger years to this day, I was not sure, but this was the first of a long list of good-byes I would have to participate in.
I hold close to my heart, my grandfather's crucifix...
I have an engraved bible from a dear friend that knew I needed it more than I did...
I have always held family and childhood traditions close, like never using God's name in vein...
I have always felt and proved it today, at home in the house of the lord!!

#TRUTH

I REALLY

NEED 

TO GET MY 

HEAD STRAIGHT!!

I just can NOT even....

I have literally never felt so useless in my entire life, everything is literally falling apart around me! Honestly, my household appliances, my car, I fear, even thinking, let alone asking 

“WHAT ELSE?”

I feel like I am talking to deaf walls, things I say are not even remotely taken seriously, and I am going to scream the next time I hear “it will happen!” “it will all be ok…” O.K., cool, you let me know when ANY of this remotely troubles you just a fraction of how it is disturbing and affecting me!!  

"F" you social media!!

I am not afraid to admit it, I feel slighted, I feel left out and I feel like as if there is a whole other life being built without me – you say it’s simply without my body present, but both truth and reality, I am not there and you are starting new adventures, receiving well wishes, much deserved comments and posting more on social media than you have in the seven years I have known you – so, I won’t apologize for feeling like this has nothing to do with me at all.

By the time I get to your destination, the newness will have worn off, the well wishes will have stopped along with the thoughts that already exist of us being apart – it has and continues to be what “you” deserve and how brave others think you are and have been to make such a huge move, little do they know – and that is exactly it, they won’t know, ever the sacrifices I have made for us (in my eyes, and solely for you in your eyes).

I am very well aware of what you have at stake, the fact that you have to sit “in a box” without your family, you have a new job to do, acclimate to, and still, you think I should feel sorry for you, understand that you miss me when you have shown me nothing. I had to readjust my entire life, once again, to accommodate someone else, and got nothing in return (I hate that you made me think I was “owed” something) and triple-fold the responsibilities and most of which I have absolutely NO control over, literally, I am left in this house that is ALL yours, NOTHING about it is mine, yet I have full responsibility – tell me again how that is fair and I have not the slightest reason to feel as if I have been and will continue to be left out?! You have mentioned NOTHING about what I have offered and had to sacrifice nor the responsibilities that I now have…

The excitement I will have when and if I finally get to make the trip will have worn out their welcome in the eyes of your loyal followers and the tags, yeah, thanks, I like to see and hear from other people what you have posted and what you are talking about! Social Media, once again, the source of bad decisions and forever markers of what your life means to you and how others perceive you and how great are!!

You just don’t get it, you never will and the fact that I would have to bring it up to you – is proof enough that is doesn’t matter, it never will – you probably didn’t even notice I didn’t even attempt to make an effort this time. Me being overwhelmed wasn’t enough, the dynamics of this past week(s) weren’t even distantly close, it was all about you feeling like I was resenting you….that is just OUTSTANDING!

I went out of my way to make you feel like you took a little of me/us with you and extended a lot of surprises along the way, I am still looking for the slightest bit of anything that even resembles you missing me –