I just can NOT even....

I have literally never felt so useless in my entire life, everything is literally falling apart around me! Honestly, my household appliances, my car, I fear, even thinking, let alone asking 

I feel like I am talking to deaf walls, things I say are not even remotely taken seriously, and I am going to scream the next time I hear “it will happen!” “it will all be ok…” O.K., cool, you let me know when ANY of this remotely troubles you just a fraction of how it is disturbing and affecting me!!  


"F" you social media!!

I am not afraid to admit it, I feel slighted, I feel left out and I feel like as if there is a whole other life being built without me – you say it’s simply without my body present, but both truth and reality, I am not there and you are starting new adventures, receiving well wishes, much deserved comments and posting more on social media than you have in the seven years I have known you – so, I won’t apologize for feeling like this has nothing to do with me at all.

By the time I get to your destination, the newness will have worn off, the well wishes will have stopped along with the thoughts that already exist of us being apart – it has and continues to be what “you” deserve and how brave others think you are and have been to make such a huge move, little do they know – and that is exactly it, they won’t know, ever the sacrifices I have made for us (in my eyes, and solely for you in your eyes).

I am very well aware of what you have at stake, the fact that you have to sit “in a box” without your family, you have a new job to do, acclimate to, and still, you think I should feel sorry for you, understand that you miss me when you have shown me nothing. I had to readjust my entire life, once again, to accommodate someone else, and got nothing in return (I hate that you made me think I was “owed” something) and triple-fold the responsibilities and most of which I have absolutely NO control over, literally, I am left in this house that is ALL yours, NOTHING about it is mine, yet I have full responsibility – tell me again how that is fair and I have not the slightest reason to feel as if I have been and will continue to be left out?! You have mentioned NOTHING about what I have offered and had to sacrifice nor the responsibilities that I now have…

The excitement I will have when and if I finally get to make the trip will have worn out their welcome in the eyes of your loyal followers and the tags, yeah, thanks, I like to see and hear from other people what you have posted and what you are talking about! Social Media, once again, the source of bad decisions and forever markers of what your life means to you and how others perceive you and how great are!!

You just don’t get it, you never will and the fact that I would have to bring it up to you – is proof enough that is doesn’t matter, it never will – you probably didn’t even notice I didn’t even attempt to make an effort this time. Me being overwhelmed wasn’t enough, the dynamics of this past week(s) weren’t even distantly close, it was all about you feeling like I was resenting you….that is just OUTSTANDING!

I went out of my way to make you feel like you took a little of me/us with you and extended a lot of surprises along the way, I am still looking for the slightest bit of anything that even resembles you missing me – 


February 23rd you say.....

I swear to you I picked up pen and paper, o.k., computer and thoughts and wrote just a few days ago!! LITERALLY where does the time go?
It has been quite uneventful if that helps explain the hiatus...10 months is a pretty lengthy time to have been absent {minded} and away from so much expression. 
I can guarantee that things are, have been in constant motion and I am convinced it is all for the best! Well, at least that is what my heart says at this very second, other than that, it is a daily struggle in regards to the "what's & why's" {insert confused face}.
I have always thought it..
I have always said it..
and now I will preach it..
GOD HAS A PLAN FOR US ALL and I think I may have figured out what his plan is for me/us. 
I promise to not keep you at bay for 10 months, so stay tuned for a HUGE announcement and buckle up for a journey of a lifetime 💛


I am THAT parent

I was that parent you may have come across today. I was the one walking in the parking lot with my 9 year old son who was attempting to, o.k., was throwing the hellatious fit because we were leaving before he was ready. He definitely lives by his own self-stirred time frame which most of the time has me questioning "is the fight even worth it?"
To me it is, how else will he learn boundaries or rules without setting guidelines? This is proving to be difficult with a child that has a touch of every single learning disability, sensory and cognitive issue, or so it seems. He may look normal to you but to me, he is special in more ways than one! He is not just a "bratty kid" trying to get his way, he is not doing this on purpose, it is who he is and I am trying the best I know how. Your stares seem as if they would be the same if he exhibited at least one physical affliction which really makes me question if he looked the part would people like you be more accepting of his demeanor?!
If you see me yelling, it's o.k., he is deaf and refuses to wear his hearing aides in public for fear of what people will think of him, oxymoron, I know, still a battle on non-school days that I do not even entertain. If you see him jumping out of his skin, or me pulling him back to me (usually with force) it is to get his attention as he almost walked into the path of a moving vehicle. If you think I am ignoring my name being called, repeatedly and assume I am flat out ignoring my child, please know I am not, I heard him the prior 10 times he called my name and I have already given my answer or explanation to him, it just isn't what his "tick" wants to hear. If you see someone talking to my child and his eyes are only fixated on me, this is by no means a scare tactic on my part, he is THAT unsure of himself in most social situations. 
The he best way to describe it is when we are out in public, he is aware we are out and may come in contact with several different people, but to him, especially when he gets in his "zone" it is just him and I. This makes the interaction between us not so personal anymore and opens us/me up to scrutiny in the way I converse with him, handle his fits, and deal with his outbursts.
I am not a bad parent, I am a parent who cares about her son, would do anything, including giving my own life for my son, just as any of you would! I have a son I chose to take out and expose to the world, and not in a freak show kind of way, a way that exposes him to life's lessons that will be more valuable to him as he slowly accepts them, albeit only on his terms. I am tired of the look I get as if you are waiting for an an apology from me or an explanation for his behavior, I don't owe that to anyone. 
So for now, please know I have and will always teach my son to be polite and respectful, it is to be given and when given it is earned, and understand that I will always be THAT parent you may see or run into when you are out in public!