February 23rd you say.....

I swear to you I picked up pen and paper, o.k., computer and thoughts and wrote just a few days ago!! LITERALLY where does the time go?
It has been quite uneventful if that helps explain the hiatus...10 months is a pretty lengthy time to have been absent {minded} and away from so much expression. 
I can guarantee that things are, have been in constant motion and I am convinced it is all for the best! Well, at least that is what my heart says at this very second, other than that, it is a daily struggle in regards to the "what's & why's" {insert confused face}.
I have always thought it..
I have always said it..
and now I will preach it..
GOD HAS A PLAN FOR US ALL and I think I may have figured out what his plan is for me/us. 
I promise to not keep you at bay for 10 months, so stay tuned for a HUGE announcement and buckle up for a journey of a lifetime 💛


I am THAT parent

I was that parent you may have come across today. I was the one walking in the parking lot with my 9 year old son who was attempting to, o.k., was throwing the hellatious fit because we were leaving before he was ready. He definitely lives by his own self-stirred time frame which most of the time has me questioning "is the fight even worth it?"
To me it is, how else will he learn boundaries or rules without setting guidelines? This is proving to be difficult with a child that has a touch of every single learning disability, sensory and cognitive issue, or so it seems. He may look normal to you but to me, he is special in more ways than one! He is not just a "bratty kid" trying to get his way, he is not doing this on purpose, it is who he is and I am trying the best I know how. Your stares seem as if they would be the same if he exhibited at least one physical affliction which really makes me question if he looked the part would people like you be more accepting of his demeanor?!
If you see me yelling, it's o.k., he is deaf and refuses to wear his hearing aides in public for fear of what people will think of him, oxymoron, I know, still a battle on non-school days that I do not even entertain. If you see him jumping out of his skin, or me pulling him back to me (usually with force) it is to get his attention as he almost walked into the path of a moving vehicle. If you think I am ignoring my name being called, repeatedly and assume I am flat out ignoring my child, please know I am not, I heard him the prior 10 times he called my name and I have already given my answer or explanation to him, it just isn't what his "tick" wants to hear. If you see someone talking to my child and his eyes are only fixated on me, this is by no means a scare tactic on my part, he is THAT unsure of himself in most social situations. 
The he best way to describe it is when we are out in public, he is aware we are out and may come in contact with several different people, but to him, especially when he gets in his "zone" it is just him and I. This makes the interaction between us not so personal anymore and opens us/me up to scrutiny in the way I converse with him, handle his fits, and deal with his outbursts.
I am not a bad parent, I am a parent who cares about her son, would do anything, including giving my own life for my son, just as any of you would! I have a son I chose to take out and expose to the world, and not in a freak show kind of way, a way that exposes him to life's lessons that will be more valuable to him as he slowly accepts them, albeit only on his terms. I am tired of the look I get as if you are waiting for an an apology from me or an explanation for his behavior, I don't owe that to anyone. 
So for now, please know I have and will always teach my son to be polite and respectful, it is to be given and when given it is earned, and understand that I will always be THAT parent you may see or run into when you are out in public! 


Be careful what you wish for....

I pray always for her to give me some sort of sign that I am fulfilling her wishes. I want to know I have made her proud in her eyes, I beg to know she is happy with the way he is being taken care of.
How ridiculous is this, I am yearning for something I will never get, setting myself up for one heartache after another. A confirmation that simply does not exist!
I am not giving up and have been accused of looking "way" to deep into things and that what I have seen/felt or experienced is nothing that could possibly be from the other side. I stand, write here, that I know for certain I recieved one of my signs this evening, so I guess that makes me guilty as charged❣
He came home from school in a great mood, professed his love for me and his daddy (totally unprovoked) within an hour of walking through the door. "I love tou mommy, I love you Daddy" ~ those words are truly heart melting. Nearing his bedtime he sticks close by, purring around each one of us as if he were a cat looking for a little extra attention-which of course he got!!  
He asked for his crayon pencil he got as a valentine from a friend at school and proceeded to write me a note (which he has actually done a few times just recently) and has let me know I can write him notes as well 😋 
He wrote; 
I THANKED him for the sweet note and I hugged him tight and asked him why he loved me/us SO much...he said as we were now being silly "you're a good family for me!" I lost it and had to hold him even tighter...
THAT, I know, was a sign from her to me saying "Thank You for caring for my son!"


Honestly ~

Do you take things personal?
ME: on most occasions, way too personal!

How would you describe yourself? 
ME; honest, loving, trusting, (too) stubborn, and insecure

Have you ever done something to fit into someone's life & not because they asked or wanted you to, rather you realized it was exactly what you needed to do because it is what they needed?
ME: I most certainly have!

How would you describe your life's story?
ME: I truly believe we tell pieces of our story each and every day, thus creating our own (living) legacy ~ I say make it a good one!

What words do you use to motivate those around you?
ME: do your best in everything you do - this way you have no regrets, only lesson(s) to learn

Are you a lover or a fighter?
ME: I would have to say that I am a "fighter." by no means am I indicating this in a physical way, rather a description of how each one of us prevail on a daily basis. fighting for what you believe in on every level makes you a better person, a better person who is able to love themselves in turn loving others!

How to you feel about change?
ME: it scares me to death, bottom line, no other words needed!

how honest can you be? is it because no one is "looking" or will see your responses?!
hmmmmm :-)


Rush Rush Rush

In this world where everything is so extremely rushed why do we find it acceptable to sit in a Starbucks drive-thru?! Swear the line is absurd with cars extended around the entire store as we pull in for our spot in line...
Curse the whole time at the barrage of cars in front of us, when did 8:30 a.m. become such a rushed hour, "don't you all have somewhere to be?" Like we ourselves don't?! We yell from the confines of our car, windows up and doors locked for the one ahead of us to hurry their order, seriously who the hell are we yelling at?! Questioning the entire wait if it would have been just as fast to go inside the store and place your order. 
I am convinced our society truly has the "hurry up and wait" mentality we have always been warned of. I feel compelled, almost on a daily basis to try and slow things down, at least on a personal level but feel as if I am constantly being confronted & challenged with the "how?"
I will ALWAYS take the time to smell the flowers and really appreciate the littlest of things I come across as I forge forward in my daily life ❤️


Plain & Simply put...

Tomorrow is never a guarantee❣


...made this up!!

Determination + Passion = Success
no matter how many times we must try❤️
~ Me, Myself & this "I" know


Lucky in LOVE

he notices the stars and tells me they are beautiful
he looks for shooting stars and he makes his wish(es)
he says he loves me roughly 20 times a day
he makes me laugh and he makes me cry
he gives me life, how I wish I could bottle that energy
he makes me want to be a better person
he tells me I am the "bestest cooker ever!"
he is definitely a "mamas boy!"
he has a disability he is very well aware of and an afffliction he has no clue he has
he tells me "you always wanted a boy like me huh mom?"
he tells me HE is lucky because I buy him games and buy him cool clothes

I question still who the lucky one REALLY is!! 

my soul is tired...

...it may look like the journey has come to an end, that is SO not the case! 2 and 1/2 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, or 2 days, honestly it all runs together, I have no idea where that past 9 years have gone, I can literally replay almost every single second, yet I can't seem to recall where my car keys are on a daily basis.

...as you can tell it's been a huge sacrifice and one that I forcefully and willingly chose, and more often lately I am reminded just how much of a whim it was made on. It doesn't change the path of the journey or even the decision, it doesn't make it less stressful, and it surely doesn't make it more bearable, it just seems to remain stuck in this manageable mode!

Do I feel bad saying that? Not a chance (it may have taken me nearly 3 years to say that aloud) but still, it is the truth and sometimes as much as it hurts to admit the truth, it is also part of the healing needed for the soul, the heart and the daily grind that goes along with all the "stuff!"

I am confident and have embraced this as a (very long) process, it is real life and shenanigans do happen. Obstacles do come up, hurdles block you or just simply block and trip you up and since I am not a sprinter and have -0- upper body strength, they trip me a little more often, but that is ok, my knees are prone now-a-days.
I think I have been eternally praying for 9 years straight now and on most days (sad to say) convinced no one is listening, no one understands, and no one is willing to truly walk beside me. It is easier to feel bad, feel sorry, or worse yet, just avoid the whole situation all together. If that makes you feel better, then I can't fault you for that, I, on the other hand have to keep that swivel oiled as I have many faces I show each day and to those who know me, know that my soul is tired, it is exhausted, and simply run down!


Happy New Year

I think that this should be my motto for this new year, 2016! 
I mean, really you can't give nothing if there is nothing to give.. .. ..
You must love yourself before you can love others.. .. ..  

Plain & Simple