the feeling.....

...must be SO overpowering, I mean you put on those blue chonies with red trim donning the "S"piderman logo, you have to feel as if you can save the universe, RIGHT, I mean your compelled!!

I know this is exactly how he feels as he scales the stairs, he tumbles over couches and chairs and leaps off coffee tables and bar stools as he fights the crime and strives to keep us all safe, taking on one bad guy {shadow}after another till the house is safe and we can all rest assured the villain's ARE no longer....

The simplicity of life as a happy, healthy 5 year old and the innocence of a SUPER hero!


being admitted...

It seemed kind of strange to me, admitting her and to the ICU floor since she was only having trouble breathing, the whole time being assured it was her asthma and that she may have only been in minor distress, but I was not the doctor and had promised her I would stay with her tonight and make sure she was alright and not alone, she gave me a reassuring smile, she was scared and tired and was ready for a good night’s sleep.  My folks were reassured we would be fine so they could go home and rest themselves.

I on the other hand was not sure how much sleep I would actually get, but it didn’t seem to matter at that very moment. 

I had a notepad and I began to journal as she rested {see inset}. I’m not sure where the time went, I walked a little and tended to her as she seemed to become somewhat restless as the night went on.
She said she was hungry, I remember them bringing us food, when it came time to eat, she was unable, either not able to hold it down or then not hungry at all. I remember thinking this was strange but not too unusual as she was a little tiny petite thing anyway.
I do know at one point, during the middle of the night, she was ready to tell me her delivery story and at that moment, when it was her and I and the beep of her breathing machine, I let her talk, and talk she did, over and over and over again! The story was one I had learned she had obviously taken great pride in, in her accomplishment to have done something she thought she would not have been able to do, delivery normally as she had from the beginning been told and planned on having a C-section delivery. I sat and listened and learned a lot from my little sister that night, I learned she had always looked up to me and what I had done, whether it be my own deliveries of my two daughters or the way I cared for her as we were growing up. I remember having a sense of humiliation, one I had not admitted nor shared with anyone, my own bit of selfishness for not being as caring or supportive as I should have/could have been in the beginning, as she started this journey, her life changing journey, her becoming a woman, a mother, she was SO PROUD of herself and what she had accomplished and at that moment I figured it out, it hit me and I’m afraid to say it was almost too late, she wanted, in fact, needed my approval.
I listened until she could not speak anymore, she was hoarse and was struggling to form a sentence, and it was obvious she was so tired she could not form another word. I stopped her and at this point was nearly on the bed beside her, holding her and telling her to “shhhhh” as I stroked her hand telling her the entire time how proud I was of her, how brave she was and how I could not wait to meet her son and what a GREAT job she did as I had seen the pictures and would bring them to show her later on in the day! She looked at me and her eyes said it all, I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her, she drifted off to rest.

It was about sun-up and due to be shift change so I took a walk to get some fresh air assuring her I would return after a little while.

it's all in the smell...


the last couple weeks David has been very very very loving, I mean overly from his normal "I Love Yous" a dozen times a day he brings to me/us, don't get me wrong, I am NOT complaining and will take them everyday and twice on Sunday!!

lately his obsession is with 'smelling' me.  our nightly routine consists of me giving him a hug, kissing him and tucking him into bed when I leave for work, he will say "have a good night at work mommy" and then follow with "you `mell` good mama" I love you, I reply with a thank you baby & I love you the world!!
tonight he gave a big hug/kiss and then as I stood up he said "wait mom, let me smell you" and he came in as close as he could and then let go producing a HUGE smile, one that illuminated 'now I can sleep tight'. 
I asked him if he wanted me to spray some of my perfume on his bear so he could smell me/it as he went to sleep, the excitement was almost too much for him, he turned to run out of my room and quickly stopped and rushed back towards me and in a swift motion lifted his pajama shirt and said "pray me mama", I did and he ran into his room and said "mell me daddy darrow, I mell like mama now"


what is fortunate...

...it would be David if the definition needed to be defined


the next phone call I received, well message left was from my mom, on a Monday afternoon telling me that my sister was sick, she had gone to the Dr this afternoon and he gave her some anti-depressant medication and told her it was most likely post-par tum depression, sent her home to rest so she would have much needed strength and energy when the baby came home.  I called my mom back, she said that she had not eaten for 2 full days now, would not get out of bed let alone come out of her room.  I told my mom I would be down tomorrow and I would most likely stay the night, I could tell there was a worry in our mother's voice.

I woke up to the phone ringing and my mom telling me that my dad had taken my sister to the Dr and she was being admitted to the hosp and she was on her way there now, I told her I would be on my way and meet her there.  I called my daughter's and told them what I knew, which was not a whole lot at this point, I would be home later and call them when I knew something more.

I arrived at the hospital, joined my folks in the E.R. room where they had admitted my sister, for now, as they continued to run more tests to see what problems she was having.  At this point it seemed to be her Asthma that was bothering her.  She suffered all her life and this was honestly nothing new, so I thought.  She was very uncomfortable and seemed to have a harder time breathing than what I was used to seeing her struggle with, but her spirits seemed high for the circumstances. 
She was very proud of her recent birth and was just as anxious to tell me all about it, I `shushed` her and told her we would talk a little later as the hours went by and I saw her struggling to form a word let alone speak a clear sentence.

It seemed as if we were in E.R for a few hours as the Dr's and nurses came in, administered medicine's and would be right back out again.  We joked and laughed amongst one another and even got her to smile at a few corny jokes about the people whom were coming in and out of the E.R dept. 
I remember feeling a sense of urgency of being there and not really having a lot of answers but again felt like it was something they would be able to manage with her normal medication/treatments and we would be back home in no time now.
I had called my daughter's and our sister out of town and didn't have too much to report on other than we were still being evaluated and I would call them when I was able to speak to the Dr after his evening rounds, they all had concerns and wanted more than what I was able to offer them.


the shower....

went off without a hitch, the gifts were plentiful and the love and support was so much more!  She was happy yet there was a worry about her, I noticed and made sure she knew, I knew.  Not much more was said other than "I'm OK". 

The day ended and the picture that will forever be sketched in my mind and in my heart is one of her in the middle, me, my mom and middle sister all close around her with all of our hands on her belly, it would become the most cherished picture by us all!  She cherished all the gifts she received for her little boy whom would be joining our family in another 3 or 4 weeks.

The next call I got was earlier than expected, about a month early than any of us had expected.  I had planned on going down to have a lunch date with her in the coming week, my next days off to discuss and offer her to come stay with me when the baby arrived so she would have moral support and love she needed, not to mention the rest.  I was on vacation pretty much the month she was due, it was my norm for the last 4 years so I thought it would be a good option for her, alas, it didn't happen, the lunch date anyway, he was coming whether we were all ready or not.

My oldest daughter was not in school this day so she grabbed camera in hand and took off for Madera while I slept a little more, since I worked the night before and knew for sure I would get to the hospital before he was born, since this was her first birth and they never happen faster than a snails pace BOY, literally, was I surprised!! 
He was here, happy, healthy and she did AMAZING and was resting well was the next phone call I had received.  By the time I called my mom back, my oldest daughter was home and let me know that the baby was fine, although he was being transferred to Valley Children's ICU unit in Merced due to his inability to eat/swallow and keep his food down, he was a month early weighing in at 4 lbs 5 oz 18 inches long and was in good health. 
She was tired, and rested the remainder of the night the released the next morning.  I did not make it down to the hospital and planned on going to my parents house in 2 days when I was not working, I worked nights and was used to my sleep!!

I called the next afternoon and spoke with my mom who said that my sister was still tired and she was having to force her to eat so they had made plans to take her to Merced to see her baby boy in hopes of cheering her up. 


it started with a phone call....

...from her to me...she was excited with her news as I was less than!  Something I carry guilt for to this day, perhaps so.

I had a million questions for her and was not congratulatory at all.  I had more important things I needed to do at that moment and had no time for such non-sense.  I was the oldest and the one who cared for her most of her life and knew this was a mistake and would talk to her later about her situation!

I remember hanging up and just asking myself what had she gotten herself into, I mean come on, she is still living at home and can't hold a job, how is she going to take care of a baby for goodness sakes?!?!  Well, it's not my problem and that is where I left it.

The weeks and months past and with each visit to my parents home she was all to excited to show me her growing belly as well as the things she had accumulated for the babies room.  I remember my mom telling me to stop being so hard on her, she wanted my approval and needed my support.  I explained I was more concerned about her {past} "usage" and her ability to take full responsibility and be able to care for another life other than her own! 

My visits were not as frequent until it was time to plan a shower for her and her baby, which we had subsequently found out was a boy.  I had made a few trips down for the planning and on one particular day had made my way into her room, where she spent ALL her time and we talked, talked for almost 2 hours I think it was and both of us were in tears.  I can't remember exactly all that was said, which is weird, but I do remember I told her I was disappointed in her choices yet I supported her 100% and I would be here for her as I always have been, she was relieved and said she was sorry for her choices and she was looking forward to me meeting her son and showing me what a good "mommy" she would be, just like I had been to her!!

I guess you don't the impact you have till you nearly throw it away with your selfishness....


if you have ever....

been in a hospital room/setting when a Dr has called a "time of death" then you will SO get what I'm going to write, if not, then I will do my best so most of you will at least understand what it is like!

The days were long and the nights were definitely longer!  When you sit and watch someone who is immobile, someone who has no voice, someone who has no response{s} and someone who has no fight left in them yet they are fighting for their life, it somehow doesn't matter that you may have not slept for hours, even days or laid down for just as many minutes as you have been by their side.

How can one even fathom that there is a much bigger life that needs to be preserved, separate than the one that lies in front of you, yet a life that is a soul part of the person lying in front of you...at the moment you realize that, it hits you that those lives may forever be separated.  The emotions become so overwhelming, so much so you can't think straight, you look around and there is no one in the room but you, no one you can look at for relief, no one who would even remotely understand what it feels like to be looking at such an uncertain future, one that is changing with every moment that passes.

You may not be certain at this specific time what that person may be trying to communicate to you, in what would ultimately be their last breath, but you are certain you know it will be honored or be given your best efforts!



I will begin with...

....the end or at least what I would like to think as the end of this journey.

The information read, as applicable to me, Maternal Aunt and to who has interest in the child when I am not present, I listed my husband which simply read Uncle. Thank you for the constant reminder; I am not his ‘mother’.

I had to proof read the application to make sure that all information was factual and truthful to the best of my knowledge under penalty and perjury in a court of law. I think the verbiage I read next was something that no one is supposed to neither read nor understand, as I can attest it took every ounce of faith I had, which wasn't a whole lot lately to pick up a pen and sign where I was instructed. It felt as if I was admitting to and being TOLD this is what you are, what he is to you and what type relationship you are supposed to have with him.

I took me a couple of years to be the slightest bit comfortable with the fact I was {to be} addressed/called his "mom". When he first learned to speak, it was calling me by my first name, albeit was inadvertently as he learned by hearing my daughters and my parents address me by my first name and not "mommy" as a normal young child would. So considering the circumstances and my slight stubbornness to accept this IS the role I had signed on for, I realize it took me longer than I would have liked to embrace the fact that his first words would be those of "ma-ma"! I’ve settled this in my heart simply out of respect for my sister but definitely not out of love I felt for the child.

The final line of the application read; said young minor being listed as an Orphan of the State of California


for those who want to know...

but have been afraid to or never have asked...I invite you to join in my journey...

a little late

... on the "happy new year"... to say the least it has been one busy ONE thus far!! 

I've always considered writing my outlet to what weighs heavy on my mind or in my heart for the fact. perhaps a way of letting it go, it's written therefore it is gone from my brain if only temporary, but long enough for the free space to be revive the cells so they can live in harmony once again!!

soooo with that being said, let the writing commence :)  look for my new tab "the journey"