12.19.2010

decisions..decisions..decisions!!

LIFE is full of decision's you have a choice to make them…

You have a choice to accept them…

You have a choice to be hurt by them…

You have a conscious decision to know that once you have reached a certain age, you have been blessed with the knowledge to know what to let go and what to hang onto…

Decision's are those of personal matter and of the person making them, the consequences will be theirs and theirs solely…

One can take comfort within one's self that the day will come when those very decision's they again will be faced with and in a light that they have no control in the outcome…

LIFE is bittersweet and does come around full circle, one just prays it is in their life time!!!

12.01.2010

not so routine appt.....

.....as we pulled up I heard the anxiety in his sigh
.....as we got out of the car he started to reassure himself, asking a question with a question
.....as we walked in the front door, he had secure his hand in mine and was a little slower in his walk
.....as we entered and walked up to the check in counter his "good morning" was one that was un-easy
.....as we went to wait for our name to be called, in the "kid/toy" room if you will, he sat silent
.....as we heard his name being called he began to tear up and swallow hard
.....as we walked to the exam room, he began to recite his reassurances as I had just recited to him
.....as we were in the midst of the appointment, speaking with the specialist, he asked nervously, "we done now" we done now" can we go now mom?!?!

David has got to be the bravest little soul I know.  David is a little boy who does not know adversity yet he lives it on a daily basis, he does not know pain in the way we know pain or even fear. David is a miracle, so when I am yearning for the gift I will {ultimately} never receive, I have to look at him and be thankful I have him and know that someday, just someday!!

11.27.2010

Tis' the Season

......as quick as the time came it was just as quick to disappear!


the small things just don't seem as big when you see adversity in the eyes of so many around you!!

people will preach of your kindness...
people will preach of the good you stand for...
people will preach no one would have if you didn't...
people preach their profound love for you and who you are...

is it a bad thing that it makes one feel "numb" for a lack of a better term? I mean, I do what I do and have done what I have done because it IS who I am...
Maybe I need to step out of my bubble and look inside?
Would I even have the ability to do so at this point in my life?

11.24.2010

it's the little things in life....

David waving & yelling "I Ludge You Mom" from within his reading circle as I left him at

Preschool this morning=Day Complete!!

11.23.2010

....sooooooo

today is a day I was over with before it even got started.... 

I feel the urge to drop it like a bad habit....

make is go far far far away....

call it names and throw sticks & stones at it....

tap it's shoulder and then say "boo" to the opposite shoulder as it looks the wrong way....

shake up a soda can and offer it a drink....

yell at the top of my lungs YOU CAN'T HURT ME....

OK OK OK....

I will today alone and mind my own business from this moment on out, but I warn you TODAY!!

11.22.2010

confession

sooooo as you can tell, the book is slow going yet a chore that will take me sometime to get through mentally as well as physically.  It is something that I feel I owe to David.


I could not be more proud of him and the person he is becoming.  David is a happy soul, an old soul, a soul that has been sent to me so I can see that things needed to slow down, take a different path than where my life was leading me.  For this I do not question his existence, rather I'm left to ponder the process.


I have had to come to grips that I am raising my deceased sister's child, her first child, a boy and one she was looking so forward to raising to carry on our family name.  I am now facing the future with a disabled child, as David is now being treated for much more than his chronic Asthma and frequent bouts of pneumonia.  I am at odds with the fact that I have to make sure important decisions for someone who is so pure and so innocent, but I guess that is why I am here?!?!


In retrospect my life without David would be nothing at this point as he has changed me, my views and my entire existence.  So I will say a silent prayer for my aching heart and blow a kiss to heaven and hope it travels at light speeds.

today....

Less is MORE!

11.16.2010

TODAY....

i am thankful for my life!!

5.09.2010

GUILT...

....I can not continue to carry the guilt of not being a good mom due to circumstances we all agreed upon.

We all spoke of the choices that lied ahead and all agreed this was the ONLY alternative, little did we know the work it would intel or the toll it would take on us separately or how it would effect our relationships with one another.

I know I have been pulled in multiple directions and can only pray words spoken in anger were just as such & not regret for what the situation has become!