tests & paperwork & interviews

We had our mediation appointments coming up later in the week, I made the DNA test/appointment on the same day so I would not be travelling back and forth daily, although it was only a 25 minute drive north, all my seconds were counted, I had to squeeze as many of them in at once that I could.
I had already made an appointment with a new pediatrician and had our last appointment scheduled with the Medi-Cal doctor but would have to make two separate trips into town for these.

I was really missing my oldest daughter and talked to her almost daily.  I really wanted to sit down and talk to her about what had happened, leaving in hast and just backing out, giving up when I was counting on her.  The time would come, this I was certain as much as I wanted it to happen NOW!  I was a tad bit OCD, I was a if it is going to happen, it needs to happen now, I had a bit of a reckless nature, I didn't care what the outcome was, I was going to do it if I wanted to.  I blamed getting married right out of high school & having children, 2 before I was 21 years old, I didn't get a chance to 'live' life if you will. 
I had some new found freedom and I wanted/needed to truly find ME, what was I REALLY about, what kind of person was I?

David's day/appointment came to complete the DNA test, I headed down and met my mom at Child Services, we past David's father in the hall as he was completing portion of the test.  He stopped and touched the baby and then he left, it was a little unnerving but nothing that didn't pass quickly.  We sat in the room for sometime before the aide came in and explained what they would be doing, it was a simple 'swab' test inside the cheek and then we were free to go.  I could not start any additional paperwork of course, until the results were back, but we all KNEW he was the father, this was a technicality at this point.  I went to drop David off at my girlfriend's house, she was so gracious as to keep him {again} while we had our meeting with mediator, my folks were first then I had my turn alone.  This would be the report that would make or break our case in court for our guardianship.
When I was done with my portion of the interview, the social worker turned of the recorder and said I need to talk to you for a minute if that is o.k. with you, I said of course, the interview had been very emotional, even more so than I had anticipated.
She had a look of concern on her face, it scared me, my heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to throw up.  She looked at me and said "I'm listing you as the voice of reason" in my report, it is obvious the hatred your father has for the this babies father and that just has to be contained while you are in front of a judge, your mother is extremely emotional, which will not affect the judge per-say but her words can not be counted if it comes down to her word and his."  I shook my head and said "I know, I know what I have to do, I just have doubts in being able to do it alone."  She told me, "you have a straight head on your shoulders, you have your wits about you and all that needs to be done in this situation, for this family" she paused and all I could think was DO I HAVE MY WITS ABOUT ME because lately I feel like I'm losing my god damn mind over all this stuff!
We finished our conversation, I thanked her for her kind words and encouragement and I left her office.  We would have her report within 2 weeks, in time for our next court appearance/hearing where the judge would hear both sides and either grant or deny the guardianship. 

I left the office as my folks were about to leave, you could tell the interview had taken it's toll on them both, I kissed and hugged them and went to get David then headed back home.  It was full day, an emotional day and I wanted to just go back home. 
I got home in time to pick up my daughter from the school farm and we went home and had a nice relaxing evening. Bedtime was hard for me, I cried, I cried and I cried, I had to get out of bed and go to the downstatirs bathroom and gain myself so I would not wake up the kids, I guess today took more of a toll than I was thinking it had, I knew there were some built up emmotions still in me, I worried, were they just going to keep coming out like this, when my day has ended and it was time for me to relax and have one single {good/positive} thought without a tear??

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