I lost her, or did I?

My youngest was ready for school, I bundled up David and off we went, I dropped her off at the bus stop and back home for COFFEE!  Our schedule was a little bizarre, on off days I had the liberty of going back home and relaxing, ok, who am I kidding, it would be back to bed for a nap with David, he was usually up by 10 a.m., he would get a bath, feeding and then some play time before he fell asleep again then it was my time to get ready and by that time it was time to get her from school, driving all the way out to the country since she was in FFA and had a steer she had to feed and groom daily.  We were usually home by 6 p.m. in time for some dinner, homework, baths again if needed then B E D! 
NOW, on a work day make this the same schedule, but I'm home at 0400 and up at 0645 back down till 10 a.m. and up for the day and running a 'tad' faster to be at work by 6:30 p.m., this occurs 4 nights a week, you get all that?  right! 
Oh and we must not forget Fair time that was coming up, this would be just insane to try and even keep up.

David was a good baby, a great sleeper, well I'm sure the extra meds helped a little and over all very very happy, he was always smiling. 
Our house has definitely not been the same since this tragedy and as much as you wish things to be normal, they are not.  The girl's and I have been a little frayed, a little irritable and, well, a little quiet towards one another and I'm certain it is the grieving process and the time we have lost.  Lost not just with the death but with one another, I have even less time to be with them, take them places or even sit down and talk with them, if we do it is very rushed and begins with a "if you hurry" and ends with "ok, we will talk about this later" and well, later never comes. 
My oldest and I have been at odds and things turned worse.  It is always a feather that breaks the camel's back and for the life if me I can not remember what was exactly said or done, but the argument happened and she was gone, she left in a rage and moved out a few days after the argument.  I was crushed and thought how dare her leave me, after all we had been through, after she made this commitment with me, to help me, why was she being so stubborn and selfish?  This was NOT going to be a good sleep night and I went back to work tomorrow.

I tossed and turned and as hard as I tried I could not sleep, so on the stairs I sat, after a long hot shower and cry.  I toiled over what I had done wrong, if I had made a decision that had ultimately pushed my own flesh and blood away, what was I thinking, what was I going to do?
She was 18 years old with the mentality/maturity of a 21 year old, she was always my level headed one, the one with a plan, the one that had love for her aunt that even I had no idea the magnitude!  She was hurting and her decision to leave in hast was one that was not ideal but I know for the both of us, it was coming whether the timing was right or not.

Today I go back to work and my youngest daughter will be picked up from school and will be at home with David tonight.  She was a little worried she would not be able to get her homework done and her chores and I told her, he is good, he will sleep or sit in his swing {he loves} while she gets her work done.  He was only waking up once a night for feedings and we had it to where it was "about" the time I came home so IF she had to get up, I was home to finish the feeding for her and she could fall right back asleep, so no worries there.

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