tis the season

One holiday down and one more to go before we can say hello to a new year and new beginnings!

Christmas was fast approaching and I just could not get into the ‘spirit’ I also had NO intentions on decorating, I mean David would not remember anyway, right?  My daughter was not going to be home a lot over the winter break, I guess I just didn’t have the spirit in me.  I was aware of my blessing and didn’t need to be reminded how joyful I needed to be.  No one really said anything,  it was a given, it is not like people walked on egg shells around me, most knew the situation or basic information, my sister had died and I had her son, either way, I was not very vocal about the whole happenings. 
My main focus was on our court date and keeping peace between my folks and David’s father, this needed to work, we had several years to come with this man and he was David’s father no matter how they looked at it and it was not going to go away no matter how hard they tried to get rid of the thoughts, it was reality and a reality that they needed to understood.  Their daughter choose this man and now she is gone and although it is apparent they did not agree with her choice{s}, it is not ours to dictate her right/wrongs.  Just as we are left with this little angel, we are also left with her wishes; we must uphold and honor them for her, for this little boy!
To my surprise the sun still came up every day just as it set each night, this meant time WAS moving forward, then why did it feel as if it just happened hours ago??  I can’t shake the feeling of loss and the thoughts of death, the visual is something that keeps me from sleeping each night, I wish it was the newborn that kept me awake, but it was not, he was good at sleeping ALREADY, I’m certain the medication helped…maybe this was a small blessing I need to embrace and let the grieving process begin! 
We had our scheduled appointment at the infectious disease clinic in between the holidays. David was given a clean bill of health along with news we didn’t have to come every 2 weeks now, we could come in monthly since he was doing/responding so well to the antibiotics, this was a very good thing, I considered this my Christmas gift (:   Christmas was here and of course I had to work so the drill would be the same as it was for Thanksgiving, this time my sister would be coming down to spend the night as well.  She wanted to be there on Christmas morning.  My mom had hung all our childhood stockings and that was about the extent of the decorations this year. There were presents stacked neatly in a corner and a small red poinsettia plant at the shrine.  My folks had a corner table they had placed her sunglasses on, her last picture taken along with an angel votive that they burned daily for her, my mom also wrote a little note and it remained untouched.  My mom asked my sister I and to write a note to put in her stocking, she wanted this to be a yearly ritual, we were hesitant but agreed. 
My oldest daughter called when I was on my way to work, it was dusk and she was crying and I was scared something had happened to her.  She told me she was fine, she was sitting at the graveside and had just taken a poinsettia plant to my grandmother as well as her aunt.  I had to pull over, I started to cry and could not stop, I asked if she was o.k. and what had happened, she said “nothing mom, I wanted to bring grandma a plant like aunt Tanya did every year and of course I left one for her now too!”  I could not form a word if I wanted to at this very moment, she told me “I just wanted to call and tell you I miss her horribly mom and I want her back here with us, this is just not fair mom”  I mustered up a few words “I know baby, I know”  she knew there was nothing else that could be said or done and we ended the phone call with “I love yous” & as many tears” which was not so out of the ordinary, it just seemed to happen at more random times and places! 
I got to work and checked in on David and my youngest daughter and told her I would see her tomorrow afternoon when she came out to see us, she was having a bad day soooo I soothed her the best I could through the phone and hung up with a very heavy heart. 
I made my way back to my folks when work was over, and it could not have been over 1 minute sooner!   My sister was waiting up for me and greeted me with a hug and you guessed it, tears and a lot of them.  She did not know how difficult it would be to stay the night in the house since she had been gone, especially since she was here the last time, I agreed and told her it just doesn’t even seem real anymore, it is like a HUGE nightmare, she asked me “how do you do it” I questioned her “do what?” she said   “this, come here, see them, see him every day, he looks identical to her??” I said I don’t feel anything, I just simply go through the {automatic} motions” I mean he needs to eat, be changed, bathed and held, it just comes natural I guess”  she broke down and said “I can hardly get myself up every day, I can hardly dress and take care of my daughter it hurts that bad!” I cried with her as we curled up on the couch in one of her favorite blankets.  Santa, err, our dad woke up and sat with us on the couch, all he could say was “I’m sorry you girls are having to go through this” then he got up to make coffee and head back to bed. 
My sister and I composed ourselves and wrote our separate notes so our mom would be happy when she woke up.  David was awake now, it was nearly 6 a.m. and I had not been to sleep, I told my sister to get some rest and I would feed him, we both knew the rest of the house would be up in a couple hours anyway. 
His little face was the sweetest thing when he woke up, he was hungry, not crying just waiting patiently for me to prepare his bottle, he stared at me the entire time I was feeding him as if he knew I was upset, he knew I had been crying.  I made it a point to not be upset or cry when I held him; I didn’t want that to EVER come across to him, ever!  I sat and I thought about what my sister had said, I felt so bad for her yet on the other hand I wished I had that options of not being able to ‘function’ I mean not having to get out of bed if you didn’t want to or claim I couldn’t?!?!  Have I shorted myself this option,  what have I done?
MERRY CHRISTMAS!  The entire house was up now, coffee was on and the kids were having fun opening their gifts, my mom had a smile on her face and my dad was content to have everyone in the house with them as they woke up.  We had a decent day, our dad had surprised us all and got us all small gifts, it was the most heartfelt thing I had experienced in a long time, if ever!  We had a nice meal, family came and went, my daughters came and went and my sister left with her daughter to be with her husband’s family and before I knew it, it was the 4 of us left in the house. 
I took a nap and headed back to work, I would come back and spend one more night with my folks since the girls would not be home and it was finally my last night of work, then hooray for days off! 
I drove to work praying that this night would go by fast and I would be able to one day find my way!

No comments:

Post a Comment