We made it, Starbucks in hand, we arrived at the hospital and my daughter was extremely excited to meet David for the first time, she as well, had only seen the pictures and had not seen her aunt, only on what would come to be her death bed since she had the baby.
We got to the NICU, I checked in and the nurse informed me that my daughter would not be able to come in but she would be happy to open the window shades next to his islet, bring her a chair and she could participate that way with the feeding albeit through the window. My daughter was upset and cried, she understood, this was not the ideal thing either one of us thought would have happened. I proceeded to change and the nurse opened the shade for my daughter, she stood their the entire time and balled with the biggest smile on her face and to this day I don't think I've ever seen one any bigger!
I proceeded to the islet and woke him, unwrapped him from his tiny little blanket and man what a stretch he gave, I even heard a little peep, one that even turned the nurses heads. I brought him close to the window for a close up look and then I sat down in the recliner I had pushed closer to the corner window at the same time the nurse handed me the bottle which I swear I think he knew was coming, he seemed to be a little more active than he was at yesterday's visit. I sat and finished our feeding/bonding time and as the nurse came over to clean up a little and bring me more supplies, blankets, wipes and diapers, she told me "you can bring him clothes tomorrow when you come", I smiled big and held him close and tight for the last few minutes I had with him, for today anyway. Today I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay a little longer, actually a lot longer, I was needing to be close to her and knew through her son, my void would be filled!
We headed home and had smiles all the way, we arrived at my parents house and told them all about the visit. In my rush of excitement I made my way into his nursery and started to go through the clothes that had been all washed, folded and placed in their respective drawers and picked out a couple of cute onesies for my trip up tomorrow. I sat on the bed, and that was the kicker, I could not control my emotions, I started to cry, I balled, I whaled, I tried to keep it in, I tried to be quiet, but I was not successful at all and soon my mom, dad and sister were at the doorway and by my side. My daughter was outside and told my godmother "I can't go in there, I hear her cry in the shower all the time and it makes me sad, I don't like my mom to hurt this bad!" This I did not know for a few years after and to this day will still brings tears to my eyes, I SO thought I was safe in my sanctuary and NO ONE could hear me, I was wrong, this pain could not be concealed as easy as I thought it could be!
My dad said "since we are all in here, I got a call from the mortuary today and he body has been released, we need to go pick a plot and set a date/time for the services, keeping in mind that this coming Monday is a holiday" we all sat for a second and then discussed and agreed that the viewing would be held on that Friday and the services on that Saturday. WAIT, this can't happen, my sister's birthday is on Saturday, we CAN NOT do that to her, I think we all realized it at the same time, as she said "it is ok, it would be an honor for me to have her buried on my birthday" my mom lost it and my dad hugged my sister tight. We all left the room a second or two after one another and walked out of the house stone faced and in a definite somber mood than when we had gone in. We were greeted by family and friends, which there seemed to have been 'some'one always here, this proved to be a really good thing giving the circumstances.
My birthday was this coming Monday and I would be flying to New York on Tuesday, I had already made my mind up that I was not going, my dear friend Julie was tagging along and I knew she would keep my oldest company and I would not be missed, apparently this WAS a negotiable proposition I soon found out!