my sanctuary

I got back to my parents house to find even more family and friends joining my parents in their respective 'spots' if you will and my godmother and sister in the kitchen warming some food.  My girls had not ended up coming out so I made the decision to go home this night and sleep in my own bed, enjoy a nice long HOT shower and try to relax and not ponder too much of what has happened, my girls were excited I was coming home.  This was a bittersweet decision as I was not prepared to leave my parents, how can they be alone in this house, did they want to be alone in this house?  My sister and I talked about it and decided she would stay one more night and I would be ok to go home tonight.
I made my rounds and left for home, my appetite was less than so I decided if anything I would have something with the girls.

When I got home my dear friend Julie was with the girls and they decided it would be a good idea to go get a bite to eat at our 'fav' Mexican spot, I was hesitant but knew it would be good to get out.  I had been away from my house for so long it was so nice to be home and lying in my own bed seemed almost foreign.  The girls had come upstairs to lie on my bed with me while the phone seemed to have been ringing off the hook and as long as it was not my parents or my sister I declined all the calls, I needed a good shower and some quiet time with my daughters!  I laid with the girls, they cried, we talked about my visit with David today, we talked about the services and we talked about the trip my oldest and I had planned for over 6 months ago, I was taking her to New York for her 18th birthday and her high school graduation, we were set to go in just 6 days.
I made my way to the shower and knew it would take everything I had to take one and get to bed, pure exhaustion was setting in so I was looking forward to some good, solid sleep tonight.
My youngest daughter wanted to come sit with me, my girls often did when I was in the shower, it was like "prime talk" time or something but this night I politely asked if I could shower in private, little did I know that the privacy would be my sanctuary and as vulnerable as you are in the shower, think about it, you are alone, it's quiet and your completely naked, what better time to let it all go besides no one can hear you with the water running, right?!?!?!
I started the water, got in the shower and I'm certain there were more tears flowing than there was water.  I lost control over my tears and barely had control of my body, I was shaking and completely vulnerable to my emotions, they were raging, I fell to the shower floor and whaled for what seemed to be hours.  Then, all the sudden they stopped, I composed myself and finished my shower, I had a sense of calm when I was done and now beyond exhausted, physically and most definitely emotionally, it was time for bed! 
I checked on my daughters, kissed them good night and went to bed, pulling the covers over my head.

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