night #2

The girl's had a good visit, they came out and it was obvious they were NOT prepared to see their aunt in that type of setting.  You spend your life raising your children, protecting them from the outside world, all the bad and all the ugliness. You protect them from harm and hurt and you definitely don't want them to experience anything that will be devastating before they are truly ready, I mean are ANY of us truly ready? 
The girl's stayed for a little while longer, got a bite to eat with my folks and cousin and then they went home to do homework and get ready for school.  I joined my folks a little later down in the cafeteria before they went up to say good night. We discussed what our game plan for tomorrow would be as far as the Dr's and nurses were concerned and the {hopeful} answers we would have.  I called my sister to tell her there was no change and that I would call her first thing tomorrow as soon as I got the Dr's report.  I assured her Tanya was ok and telling her she would be ok in staying home tonight as we would see what tomorrow unveiled.  She was a little reluctant but knew I was there to take care of it and I would not give her false hope as apparently our mom had in a conversation they had earlier in the afternoon. My mom was eluding to the fact that Tanya would be home in a day or two at the most, it was simply her asthma that was bothering her.

I again choose to stay that night in her room to make sure she was not alone. This night I gained a little resistance from the night nurses but they conceded once I let them know I had been here from day one and I pretty much was not leaving her side.  It was a quiet night, no changes except for more noise, in the way of the machines that were added at her bedside, a few more IV poles and the machine to cool her was now a mattress that they had put her bed, this was a manual operating one, when her body heat rose, it would turn on and regulate the temperature on it's own. 

I think I had actually dosed off for a quick minute and woke up to Tanya stirring, she seemed to be uncomfortable and was needing something.  The `cooler` had turned on and I got up to see if she was ok, what she needed.  She wanted some ice chips and mumbled to me she was tired.  I told her I know, stroked her head which was burning up and told her it is ok, your ok, close you eyes and go back to sleep.  Tanya was agitated, mumbling over and over "Im tired", "I can't do this/anymore" I finally heard & understood her words and knew at that very moment she WAS tired and as helpless as she looked to us, she was just that, helpless! 
Tanya then mumbled to me repeatedly, "take care of him, don't let him go away", I knew this was NOT the talk I wanted to have with her, not under these conditions and NOT the way I planned on talking to her about her and her son's future.  This night turned out to be for her and I, she apparently needed to make sure I knew what she wanted, what needed to be done, I refused to believe it would be anything different than HER being at home and taking care of her son.  I listened and made sure she knew I understood and would do nothing short of what she had wished/wanted me to do. 
I had a different perspective this night, after our brief interaction, which had not occurred in nearly 3 days now, I could not help but have a sense of vulnerability as I sat there and watched her try and rest in her uncomfortable state, she had a calm about her, I could see it in her face, don't ask me to explain it, just trust me, it was there.


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