the break-down

We returned home from our visit, my first time meeting with David to find the house was full of our family and friends. There we joined our respective areas of mourning, where my dad went into his shop, my mom settled out on the outdoor porch and my sister and I migrated between both their areas as well as the house which seemed to be the most quite place with all the people stopping by bringing food, flowers and simply wanting to give their condolences for our tragic loss.  The girl's had come down in the afternoon and stayed for just a little while before they went back home, I choose to stay at least one more night with my parents as did my sister, her husband and daughter had gone home for now and would return for the services later in the week.

I was moving food around and cleaning up a little bit of the house when my mom came in the house, just stood in the kitchen and started to cry.  I walked her into her room where she could rest a little bit and have some quiet time which in all honesty I don't think was the best thing for her but she needed to sleep, the lack of sleep on all of us this last week was not going to fair good in all we still had to do for her as well as the baby.  Passing her room was hard for me, when I left my mom's room and closed her door I placed my hand on her door knob, took a deep breath as I fought back the tears.
My godmother who was in the house with me, came outside with me as my dad was coming into the house to check on my mom, I told him she was resting, he hugged me tight an said "thank you" and went back to his shop. 

The company had thinned, if you will and I joined my sister, my girl's, my godmother and a few close friends on the outdoor porch where we all sat and discussed what was going to happen to the 'baby'.  My girl's and my sister came forth sand said my mom, Trisha will be taking him home and we will figure out the logistics with the father when everything else is settled, they all agreed that was the best choice and was the more sensible one other than our mother saying she would be the one to take him so her and our father could raise him, we all knew this was not fesible and would not happen, she had just lost her yooungest child and this baby boy is what is left of her.
It was becoming dusk and most everyone else was gone by now, a couple close friends were still here and we were preparing to eat a bit and I had hoped it would be in peace tonight.  The outpouring was amazing and I don't want to sound selfish or ungrateful but the littlest moments we could spend in silence were far and few nowadays yet SO needed by us all! 

My dad went into the house to check on my mom, wake her for dinner as my sister and I followed behind to prepare some food for us when we heard a loud cry, more like a screech, it was bone chilling as we all stepped up the pace, we rounded the kitchen corner into the hall and found "her" bedroom door open and our mom laying on her bed, sobbing, tearing the covers off her bed wrapping herself in them, my dad grabbed her and held her, it was heart wrenching, that was the epitome of losing a child right there is all I could think of.  My sister and I left the room so they could have a private moment and retreated to the living room where we held one another and silently cried with her/them.
My sister and I finished warming the food and my parents joined us a little bit later, they both actually sat at the table and ate, then went to bed for the night.  We had a very busy day lined up for tommorow, we would have the daunting task of going to the funeral home and make the proper arrangements for Tanya and I had already planned on making the the trip back down to Merced for David's 3pm feeding.

If this was the true meaning then these next few days would be described GO TIME!

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