day #4

I want to recall that I slept well once I got home, but to be honest, I can't remember, I had called the hospital and checked in to make sure nothing had changed and I checked on the girl's as they were sound asleep, I don't even think they knew I was home until they woke up to leave for school.  They came in and made sure everything was ok and I mumbled to them that their aunt would be taking the early morning shift at the hospital and I would be going down with them when they got home from school, confirmed to them that I would allow them to come home at noon since things were now up in the air and it was Friday. I would take the first part of the day to get some stuff done and have a bit of a {mental} break which they agreed was a great idea!

I checked in with my parents and they said they were getting up and ready and that my sister was waking as well and they would all be headed back to the hospital.  I got up, took my shower and called into work.  I was on vacation this past week prior & had been on days off up to today, I was due to go back to work this evening.  I had been in contact with work so I called my supervisor and told her what little we knew still and told her I would call her when I got to the hospital but more than likely would not be in today, she agreed and gave her reassurance that if there was anything I needed to just call her.

I made a few other phone calls and laid back down on my bed to rest since my sleep this past week was less than and I maybe slept for a total of 5 hrs last night, my mind was full of  `what the heck is going on, what is happening`, my heart was aching to the point it almost felt as if had stopped beating entirely. 
It was mid morning when my cell phone rang, it was my sister, she had a urgency about her tone as soon as I said hello, she told me it would be a good idea if I came to the hospital now and not waited till this afternoon, I questioned nothing, called my oldest daughter as she was on her way home anyway, she was too upset to stay at school today. When she got home we hugged and cried, I told her I knew nothing at this point but knew last night she took a turn for the worse and told her what the Dr had said and how she had looked when I left her. My daughter had already called the school so when we arrived my youngest daughter was outside waiting for us and we headed down to the hospital.  I called my supervisor on he way down, she had offered the department chaplain, I respectfully declined but thanked her for the offer, she gave me all the time I needed and to told me to please take care and let her know if we needed anything today.

The drive was a long one it seemed, my daughter was driving as I was definitely in no shape this time to do so, I can confidently say we were all in a state of shock, it was survival mode at it's best! 
what was going on?
what had happened overnight?
was she going to be alive when we got there?
what was going to happen to the baby?
the girl's pleaded, mom what are we going to do?
We each silently cried the rest of the way...
We arrived and ran up to the ICU waiting room where we found my mom and dad in the `family` room and my sister in her room visiting with her, she had not seen her in over a week since their visit to Merced to see the baby after he was born.  I didn't see the urgency at this point and was kind of mad, my mom was a mess, that was nothing new given our last 4 days, my dad was pacing, again, nothing new, the girl's were in panic "what now they asked" I was determined to get to the bottom of this all!

My dad and I went into her room, passing my sister at the door, she grabbed me and sobbed and said she looks SO BEAUTIFUL, thank you.  I told her I would be out in a few minutes and we would take a walk.  I entered the room and saw the police chaplain standing at the foot of her bed, my dad looked at me and smiled and whispered "thank you", I was a little confused at this point & then it hit me, the urgency was here and it was real.  She was laying there, completely flat and now hooked up to a ventilator, we were told her breathing had gotten worse through the night and was only manageable by the assistance of a machine by the time the day nurses came onto the floor.  I stood in awe at how quick this had all seemed to have turned bad, I mean I have been here the whole time, what could I have done differently? 
As my dad and the chaplain were continuing their conversation, to this day I could NOT tell you what the conversation was about but I can tell you my dad had not talked that much in 4 days and it was nice to see him `relate` to someone in the midst of this now crisis. 


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