night #3

I mean how selfish of me to think `we` had something to fight for, she was the one in the hospital, the ICU unit at that. The Dr told us they had done several blood tests, several x-rays and were still puzzled at her high fever and her inability to fight this now infection. There was no name for this infection, no cause, no explanation other than him simply telling us we needed to pray for her. He said they would be monitoring her closely through this night and they will perform more tests tomorrow. PRAY FOR HER?? WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?? I asked him, he looked at me and said "We don't know what is wrong with her, but I do know she is very very sick right now" "We have to control her fever and this infection that came on and seems to be spreading". I sat in disbelief, pray, PRAY? My dad grabbed my mom as she fell apart, my dad put his hand on my shoulder and I said I have to go back to her room, I have to be with her right now!

I had made a brief phone call to my sister as I was going back upstairs, she was extremely upset and on her way down, she was in more disbelief as she had not come down sooner to see her and to be with us. I assured her this was news to us as we/I had no idea it was this bad. I told her the last couple days have been a difficult haul but nothing I thought would have ever turned this drastic in a matter of a few hours. She told me she would be at the hospital first thing in the morning and I wished her safe travels. I went back up, buzzed myself in, my parents shortly followed to say good night to us both.
Tanya seemed to be in a pretty uncomfortable state, it appeared to me they had her bed in a flatter position than they had earlier in the day, I'm confidant it was due to the fact she seemed to be having more difficulty breathing so they had also, what I described as a breathing treatment machine on steroids placed by her bed to help her along. I had a bad gut feeling about this `sudden` change if you will but knew this was the fight that needed to be fought!

I walked my parents out of the room and when the double doors closed behind us, I lost it, I mean I LOST IT, I was a hot mess, I could not control my sobbing, my outbursts, I was shaking and not sure how that wall was going to hold me up, my parents froze in fear, I saw it in my mom's eyes and felt it in my dad's embrace. I regained my wits, I HAD to pull it together to be strong for her tonight, I had to take care of her, tonight would be the night I talked to her and told her what she needed to do to get better even though I had not the slightest god damn clue what that was, but she did not need to know that!

My parents left and I went back in to her room, it became immediately apparent this night was going to be a challenge, we had "Helga" and you know there is always a "Helga" {the horrible} nurse out there and she always has to pull at least one of your shifts, this was HER night and HER shift. I went into the room and was soon greeted by Helga, she told me I would have to leave shortly, she was not going to allow me to stay the night, I told her, I was sorry, that I had been here for 3 days now and I was not going anywhere, I was not leaving my baby sister's side. Helga informed me that they would be doing some test and giving her blood transfusions throughout the night and that it would be better if I was not here. I was appalled and told her, she is scared to death, she does not realize what is going on, I have to be here to explain it to her and...I was cut off, Helga advised me my sister is an adult and if she is incompetent to sign her name for the authorization for the transfusion then they will go with the Dr's authorization anyway.   I was like ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW, she can't even talk, and you want to explain to her your going to give her blood and expect her to sign for this?? Helga did not seem to care at this point and it was obvious I was losing this battle quickly.
I was able to speak with her and tell her what was going on, what they needed to do to make her feel better, I think she knew although she seemed really nervous. I was then able to say good night, tell her I loved her and kiss her forehead as I heard her mumble back to me, I was then asked to leave the room.  
It was late, nearly 11p.m., I was told I could stay in the waiting/family room for the night, but thought the best place for me would be home, in my own bed, with my girl's, a place I had been away from for 4 days now.  I was probably in the worst possible emotional state `ever` to drive 30+ minutes but it did me some good to be alone and have some quiet time.

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