day #2

I went back up to the room, to relieve my dad as the ICU Dr came in and told us, my mom and I, that to be perfectly honest, they had no idea what was going on with Tanya.  They would be preforming a multitude of tests today and for now they needed to focus on her spiking high fever and her breathing.
Kind of a blow to the system at this point, my mom left the room, I stayed behind to be with her and make sure she was comfortable as she was seemingly becoming more and more nervous and having moments of anxiety, my heart was heavy as I felt very useless, I could not make the hurt go away, there was no band-aid I could give her at this point to make her feel better!

I stayed by her bedside for a good portion of the morning, nurses in and nurses out.  There was not a whole lot of conversation, just one or two visitors and the girls would be coming down after school this afternoon to see her and be with me.  I called my sister and let her know what the Dr had said this morning and she had a definite "freak out" moment and was ready to be here in minutes.  I assured her there was nothing any of us could do at this point and that we would hopefully know more this evening after all the tests and blood work that they would be doing today.  I retreated to the cafeteria to find my mom, dad and cousin sitting outside enjoying the sunshine and having a bite to eat, I joined them and all I could think about was her, laying in that cold room, scared to death and not able to be out here with us.  We talked, we definitely cried and said not much more, there was still that shock factor of the unknown and what the next few days, hell, the next few hours held for us all!

It was early afternoon when I returned to her room with my dad as my mom and cousin stayed in the family room area just beyond the waiting room right outside the ICU area.  I sat there as my dad stood over her bed, looking at her, holding her hand and staring at all the monitors that had seemed to have multiplied since we had left the room just a few hours earlier.  Not much was said, I mean what do you say to a man that is the one you have always looked up to, that man who is the strongest person you know, the one you have always looked up to for your strength, the one who always took care of you, your family, the one who now stands in silence with the youngest of his children and he does so absolutely helpless and feels there is nothing he can do to make the situation any better for her, make it right, perhaps even take her place in the hospital bed.  I whispered to him across the bed, "I love you", he nodded and said "I have to go be with your mother, I will be back sweetheart, thank you".

I stayed till late afternoon, when my girl's had arrived and went to the waiting room to see them.  To my surprise the waiting room was full, my cousins, my aunt, my uncle and a few close family friends were all surrounding my parents and lining the walls of the family room.  I remember having a brief moment of "why such sad faces, why are you all here?"  she will be fine, we need to get her fever under control and she can go home, she is resting well and gaining strength".
I greeted everyone and took my girl's alone in the family room, we had a good cry, we hugged and they wanted to go see her as they had not since she had been admitted.  I told them she was resting, she was not talking too much and that she would love to see them!  They wanted to go in alone, so I took this opportunity to take a little walk, get something to drink and just have a `quiet moment` alone.

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