what if

In all honesty I don't know how I made it to the room we had waiting for us, but I was there and it was very surreal, it felt like I was just here, not in the same room but here, admitted and confined to a hospital room with this god awful prison looking crib thing and a green so not comfortable couch.  I was greeted by the floor nurses, they were awaiting our arrival per the doctors phone call/orders, they got us settled into the room and did not mess with David too much, they said the doctor had ordered a spinal tap and they would be prepping him for that within the hour. I was in a tail spin at this point, just when my parents got to the room I realized I had to call my daughters, my sister and his father to let them know what was going on, I screamed in my head could I have just ONE second to breath please?!?!?
My daughters were as shocked as I was, my sister was in disbelief and his father I had to leave a message for, there, notified, done, I didn't care...I had to also place a call to work as I was scheduled to be in tonight and, well, I would not be there most likely for the rest of my week.

The room was quiet and David slept like there was nothing wrong in the world, even missed his afternoon bottle which I was worried about, but the nurses said they would start fluid I.V. when the `tap` was completed.  My folks and I spoke hardly 2 words to one another, there was nothing to say, we just waited and silence and prayed for the best.  The nurse came in and bundled him up tight and took him to another room where they would preform the spinal tap, they did not give me the option of going along and after the first one I was o.k. with not being present for this one...sigh
My dad had to leave the room and my mom sat with me until they returned with him, it was about 30 minutes from the time they had taken him and returned him to my arms, seemed like eternity! My mom then went outside to meet up with my dad, neither one of them returned for sometime, I actually thought they had left the hospital all together. David was more than awake now and he was not to happy with all this excitement, he was now hungry and the nurse said due to the amount of tests they had scheduled they would only be able to feed him via I.V. for the next 24 hours at least. They were able to find a good vein in his wrist this time, so that was a relief. 
It was nearly dinner time and my girl's had shown up at the hospital, my oldest would sit in the room with him while I took my youngest down to eat and meet up with folks to let them know we were settled in for the night, I was very unprepared so the girls at least brought me night clothes, I would hopefully be able to make a quick trip home tomorrow sometime for a bag.

Everyone had left and I was spent! I was holding David in the rocking chair when our night nurse came in, she had seen us on our first admission and had remembered us, remembered David. She came over and knelt down next to me and asked if I needed anything, I told her "no, I was fine" she said "I read his chart and I am so sorry", I started to cry, she patted my leg and said "I'm so sorry for your loss, I've been thinking about it since I first met you a few months back"  she started to cry and told me "I lost my sister 13 years ago and it still hurts just as bad today!" I looked at her and said "I don't want to hurt like this for 13 more years, this is more than I even thought was possible for one human being to endure" she said "I know honey, I know".. we sat and cried together for almost 15 minutes when I decided to put David in his crib and wash up and get ready for bed.  She told me, if you need ANYthing tonight please let me help, I will leave you be for the night, tomorrow is a big day, David will been seen by several doctors and have more tests, please get some rest and as she turned to leave the room I choked up and asked her "what if I lose him too?" She said "this seems routine and I'm sure he will be fine, he is a little fighter and he has a good life ahead of him!"

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