responsibility...

I came home just in time to hear the whimper from upstairs and my daughter confirming it was me so she could roll back over, "yes honey, it's me!"
I dropped my bag and headed to the kitchen to make a bottle and head upstairs where I found David with a huge smile on his face and he was rolling over and playing with his feet, he was hungry, I made it just in time :)
He was holding his bottles pretty well so I propped him up in my bed and got ready for bed so when he was done we would go right back to sleep for a few hours, he was always good about going back down.

Sleep was not going to happen today, I had a visit but knew since David was going to be with my folks I could sleep when I came home from work and sleep uninterrupted quite possibly until I had to go back in, ohhh the thought of that has me a little excited! I let David nap for his mid-morning nap while I got a small bag ready for our visit, when we got there it would be his  lunchtime.  I always made the visits around a feeding in case his father wanted to 'bond' or partake in any of the process, he gave a good effort but usually gave it right back, I felt like I needed to keep the option open so I could say "I tried"..this as ALL other processes and communication were well documented so I had proof if something was ever said in court, I had my own opinions on how things would continue to play out as well as the bigger seed my dad had planted.

David woke up and off we went, I had called my cousin mid drive to make sure she was going to be there for our visit and she anxiously said she would be.  My cousin was having a hard time with the death of my sister, we all were, but for her it went to a whole nother level, I know she feels responsible and for that fact she wishes it was her that had died and not my sister. I was always the one who could get her to talk, answer her phone when no one else knew where she was or what was going on. 
We had our children a month apart, my daughter then her son, they were cute little toe-heads and cute to see together, although we were not around a lot, they had a blast when we got them together.  She subsequently went through a divorce a lot sooner than I had and relied on me from time to time to watch her son when she had things to do or in most cases be gone for days on end ):  this went on for a couple months, her dad would always call me on the 2nd day and simply say "do you have the baby" my standard reply was "yes, he is with me" the phone would go silent and he would tell me if I needed ANYTHING to just call and of course thank you! 
I was having a baby shower for my then sister-in-law and I had the 'baby' {4 yrs old now} when I had made her promise to pick him up by the time the shower started, he had already been here 1 day too long as it was. The guests started to arrive and he was anxious for his mom, he was a child that was extremely hard to settle down, as if he was afraid to get comfortable in one spot, broke my heart in pieces to see such a young life being SO negatively affected. 
My house was full and the party was in full swing, food..done cake..done we were moving onto gifts when the doorbell rang, I looked at my guest of honor {she knew the story} and excused myself for a moment and went to the door, I opened it barely and stepped thru to the security screen door to find her sitting on my bench, "sorry I'm late" I said "me too".. I had not quite decided what I was going to do or what I would say for that fact as this had gone on long enough, it just came out when I saw her face/appearance, I told her "you can go back home, he is not leaving with you, I'm keeping him here tonight" she looked at me barely and said "o.k. with a long pause then thank you" she knew I knew and that is all that needed to be said.  As soon as I shut the door he came running with excitement from playing in the bedroom with the girl's and wanted to know "was that my mommy?"  I swollowed big, rubbed his little blonde head and said "no baby it wasn't, you get to spend one more night with us!"  I had to excuse myself from my guests {again} and compose myself.  I had called my uncle and told him what had happened in case she said something and he assured me she would not and he was in FULL agreeance with what I had said/done and was he proud of me, then why do I feel like complete SHIT?!?!?!?!

When my sister was first in the hospital she was not there, she appeared the 3rd into the 4th day and barely left my side, she was beside herself with NOT knowing what to do but whatever I needed she had it and was willing to do whatever I needed to be done.  When my sister past she was briefly in the room with me and my daughter, she disappeared shortly after and I mean literally, no one heard from her in nearly 5 days, I'm sure it was a 'binge' none of us wanted to know about.  On the one visit my folks and sister and I took to go up to see David my Aunt and Uncle both had called me asking If "I" had heard from her, I said no and felt bad I wasn't aware she had been MIA, they asked if I would call her to just make sure she was o.k., of course I would. 
I called her and left a message and before I could put my phone away she was calling me back.  I asked if she was o.k., I didn't want to know anything else, I was just worried about her, she said she was o.k. and she would come see me in a couple of days if I was still at my folks house, I told her I would LOVE to see her and I needed her with me, to get me through this, full on knowing I was the one SHE needed more!  I told her I loved her and I would let her go, she thanked me for calling and checking on her, extremely bittersweet!!  I made return phone calls to her parents and let them know she was o.k. and nothing more was said.

I arrived at David's father's house to find my cousin waiting outside to greet me, she was over come with tears, hugged me and then scooped David up in his car seat and we headed in the house.  She assured me it was only one other gal friend of theirs and her older cousin {I knew} that were here and no one else would be showing up, I felt a little better once I saw her and knew who the company consisted of.