the services

I woke up bright and early, well, I honestly never went to bed, I was up most of the night either crying or listening for the baby, it's been 15 years since I had a baby in the house and I was in no way prepared for the over night arrival of a newborn, there was not 9 months to prepare, it was 9 days tops, I think that beats ANY record out there to date!

Today is the day we will bury my parents youngest of 3 girls, my little sister, my daughter's aunt and David's mother. It was also my middle sister's birthday today and I knew just how difficult this day would be for her, we both did, it had happened to us about 25 years prior.  Our grandfather had been diagnosed with bone cancer for several years and his passing would be our first experience with death, ever.  When he past, he was 'viewed' on her my sister's birthday and buried on mine, {our birthday's fall just 2 days apart} it was something that got us NO recognition as far as our birthday's after his services and still to this day by the rest of our family, our parents excluded.  I knew all to well what affect this day would {again} have on her and swore it would not allow any of us to forget her celebration today and for years to come.

The doorbell rang, it was Julie, she was teary eyed and ready for her angel duty, as I was sticking to my word and David was staying at home today.  Julie was scared as David was so tiny and fragile as I assured her he was perfect and would quite possible not even wake up while I was gone for a few hours.  My youngest daughter was ready and came downstairs to hold him while I finished getting ready to go.  I went upstairs to shower and my youngest daughter pleaded with me "mom don't cry to long in the shower please!" sigh, I will try not to sweetheart I replied. 

I have to be honest in saying I still don't remember to much about this day, I vaguely remember the drive down there, meeting my family at the cemetery, I was of course "right on time", I remember vaguely the service itself, my god mother read the perfect poem and the preacher had only kind words, it was short and sweet.  There were some tears, some sobs and a lot of silence and when it was over I found myself along with my sister standing at the dirt mound they tried to cover with the grass looking turf all below the beautiful coffin we had picked out for her. 
I was ok until I glanced harder at the dirt hole they would be putting her into when we all left, I refused to leave, I couldn't, not if it meant they would be lowering her into the cold, dark hole.  It all of the sudden became very real and very final, I honestly, again, don't remember what happened after that, my next memory was arriving at my parents house, a lot later than all the other people who joined us there for the reception, gathering, celebration if you will.
My sister went almost immediately to the bedroom and was stopped halfway by my mom and told the baby was not here, she was visibly upset and acted as if 'how dare me', I justified to her, that he did not need to be man-handled at his young age and weight, he did not need to be exposed to all the "germs" of being passed around, I felt bad, but knew it was in his best interest.

We had a lot of friends and family that had help set up food and kept us all occupied and towards the end of the day several of us ended up in my dad's shop and at one point we sang "happy birthday" to my sister which brought us all to tears.  My girl's left shortly after that and went to my house where they relieved Julie and waited for me to come home. 
I made my rounds saying good bye to friends & family, I was beyond exhausted at this point, it was late afternoon and I now had to somehow switch hats and prepare to leave in 3 days for my trip to New York, Julie seemed still excited as well as my oldest, I was dreading it the closer it came.

I drove home, the girl's were comfy on the couch with David, it was apparent they were going nowhere for the night, I retreated upstairs to change and make my way back downstairs to be with them.  I turned off all phones in the house and told them we would all sleep in my room, my bed tonight and told them how proud I was of them and that I could not have done this without their love and support!!

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