I was reminded by my dad last night that this morning my mom and I would be picking out the plot which she had wanted to be as close to my grandmother's as possible. I spoke with my sister last night as she and her family were packing for their 'check-out' tomorrow morning and my dad was a little excited to be heading further up north to pick up his 1977 shovel head Harley Davidson motorcycle he had been saving for. I was going to pick my mom up and we would go to the cemetery then get a bite to eat and I would be dropping her off back at home, my godmother said she would check in on her as well as my aunt, my dad would be back home by dark.
I had my cup of coffee, my hot shower, a heart wrenching cry and hit the road. I was not sure lately if I was coming or going, I had no thoughts and was going on pure adrenaline, I was ready for this to all be over with, a bad nightmare that I was trying so hard to wake up from. I hadn't spent a lot of time with my girl's, they were keeping busy at their dad's, I took very few phone calls and had not been to work now in 2 weeks. I had a couple girlfriends who would call me and check on me daily and that was the extent of my human contact in this, my zombie state! It was for sure beginning to take it's toll, but dammit I had NO time for such non-sense, I had more important things to do and places to be.
I picked up my mom and we headed over to the cemetery, we went into the office and looked at a large map of plots "what the hell are we doing here" is the only thought that went through my head and at that time we were greeted by the receptionist who asked if we needed anything and my initial response wanted to be "YEAH WE NEED HER BACK!" I was obviously irritated I had to be here and be here alone with my mom, I just don't think I was emotionally available/capable of being her supporter today, that made me sad but it was the truth. My mom's cell phone rang, she grabbed it and said oh that's your dad, he texts me, I said "dad texts?" how cute was this...he sent her "I love you and I can't wait to come home to you" I lost it...she replied "I love you to, be safe please come home soon" WoW, my parents text back and forth, how come I was not in this loop? It was then that I `bucked up` and made myself available for my mom in my dad's absence, this is where I needed to be today. We picked out her plot an my mom's phone rang as we were leaving the office, she carried on the conversation then handed the phone to me in tears. I greeted the caller and it was the head nurse at the NICU, she advised me that they would not be able to keep David past today, he would be released on Wednesday, she tried but was unable to talk the Dr. into allowing him to stay, she apologized and knew this was not the best time for us, but I thanked her and told her I would more than likely be missing my feeding today to `rush` prepare for him to come home tomorrow, she understood and said he was doing perfect today and plan on being here 4-5 hours tomorrow for his release.
My mom was exited and anxious and asked if she could make the trip with me tomorrow "of course you can!"
Now, so much for my `check out` day, I need to get the last minute items I need and be ready to bring our little man home in less than 24 hours, tomorrow will be 2 weeks since he was born.
I had called my girl's on the way back to my mom's, my dad had called again also and I was unable to get a hold of my sister, hence, the meaning and purpose/idea for the `check out` day!
I went inside when I dropped my mom off and went to the nursery to get the bassinet and some other odds and ends I would need then I would stop by the store on my way home for the rest of the ensemble. I walked in and saw the baby blanket and bear I had bought for her shower lying over the crib, I had to have them, I grabbed them, sat on the bed and held it tight, I smelled it and swore I smelt her, I cried and laid down on the bed.
I felt a hand on my back, it startled me, I jumped up, it was my dad asking if I was ok, I sat up fast and said "I am, are you? what are you doing home? where is mom?" little did I know, I fell asleep and had been asleep for over 3 hours, it was getting dark and they were about to eat and wanted to make sure I had something before I went home. I ate a quick bite, we talked a little about a plan for tomorrow and my mom was begging me to spend the night with them, I told her that was most likely a possibility and I needed to go so I could get ready.