...is it truly possible for grief to never, ever go away completely? I thought the 8 or 10 steps one experiences helps the process move along..I mean you still miss them terribly each and every second of each and every day but the grief itself, when does it subside? I know I am banging my head into the wall with this question and I know I probably don't want the true answer, but at the same time, I NEED ANSWERS DAMMIT!
I have always told myself that I never had time to grieve, the process was too long and I had to much to do, I mean I had just gained a newborn literally over night, where would I have ANY time at all, for anything, now OR in the {near} future?
Maybe I am making a little progress, I don't cry every single day anymore, just on special occasions and days he reminds me of her, and I still celebrate her birthday with him with balloons and cupcakes. I can better handle my emotions on {most} days I know have significance but the days that don't I feel completely out of control (today was one of them) and I can't even explain it, there is nothing to blame it on, NOTHING special about today at all other than I miss her & the hurt is deep!
I have been having overwhelming urges (I always have, they are just bad for some reason lately) to see her, speak to her, have her near me, touch and hug her, why isn't he enough, he is literally her twin....is it a life time commitment I'm not willing to spend a life time on perhaps or perhaps it would be better if I was able to completely grieve and accept the lose, move forward without ever looking back, but would I really want to do that, never ever looking back, would that mean I would have lost our last days, hours, minutes and seconds together as I was by her side, these, the most precious memories that I am left with?
I live with a deepened emptiness every single day, I live with the extreme pain of my loss as well as his, I live with the fact that I have not grieved and I fear it is slowly killing me inside, it has been nearly 8 years now, why does it still seem like it was yesterday I rode that elevator at least 6 times before I could step foot off which meant I had to accept she was really gone!
When does grief turn into to sorrow, are they one in the same? I cannot pretend that neither one exist, am I ashamed I still feel the gravity pull? To deal with it I first must acknowledge it, to love her is to live with it!!
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