days turned into weeks

We all woke up about the same time, I heard my folks talking to David and made my way to the living room where I found them with actual smiles on their faces.  David was SO happy when he got up, it was for sure a moment you looked forward to!
My mom asked if I wanted to stay for dinner but I declined, I wanted to be home, see my daughter and just be 'unavailable'...they were disappointed but they understood, it had been a draining day.  I packed up David and we headed home. 
I had called my girl's of course after we got out of court, my sister as well and they were very happy we had come out ahead.  My oldest said she would be by tonight and bring my youngest home as they had been at their dad's, I needed to see them.

The days came and went, the fair was over for the girl's, they were back in school and it was a relief to have somewhat of a normal schedule back and things to be settling down, I can't hardly remember when things were "normal", heck for that fact I don't even think that is a valid word anymore.  David was nearly 5 months old now and I had been in contact with his father, he came to visit once since the court date then had asked if I would bring David to him, I was too worried about keeping peace to say no, he was paying little and bringing him formula when he visited. I was leery about him being alone with David since there was a mandatory "drug testing" that was ordered at the time of our guardianship appointment, so I was still waiting for him to provide results.  I am very naive to the fact he is still using, I mean I would have stopped with all the circumstances around the last few months, I was not privy to any of this style of living, I had NO idea how it all worked.
The weeks past quickly and all was well, I had made 2 visits to David's fathers home, well, an add on to the back of a small home, sigh, it had a roof and he was prepared for a baby to visit.  I kept the visits to an hour at a time every 2 weeks, he didn't seem to mind this schedule and was happy to see David each time we arrived.  I was very anxious about the first visit, it was not the ideal setting, I was very uneasy about being in a situation that made me feel uncomfortable, the only comfort I took in the whole thing was that my sister was obviously comfortable here, she was seeing this man and she would have brought David to the same house if she was still alive, this was ALL I had to go by, I would just have to rely on my "gut" and be on my game!

Work was work, I definitely looked forward to my days off.  David had his upcoming monthly {now} appointment at the clinic, I was anxious to have the doctor see him and just how good he had been doing.  He had been a little fussier than normal this past week and not been eating as much but I didn't think too much about it, I would just casually mention it at our appointment.
We arrived at the office and of course the girl's were "ga-ga" over David and took him back through the check in window and I joined them in the room as the doctor came in.  I knew the routine, we undressed him, took his diaper off an laid him on the weighing table, we would be out of here in less than 15 minutes.  The doctor picked him up, laid him on the examining table and began his usual check-up, he seemed to have done it twice, which was odd to me, but I didn't think too much of it until he left the room and didn't return for nearly 15 minutes or so, I was about to open the door when he came back in with one of the nurses.  I stood up, stared at him and I knew something was wrong, really wrong, he took David from my arms and said "I need to admit David for further testing" I almost fell over, the nurse sat me down, I now know why he took David from my arms.  I tried to keep it together but it was obvious I was completely taken off guard and there were a lot of questions I had at this point! I asked what was wrong, he is fine, he has been fine, a little fussy but he is FINE, what is happening?  The doctor, still holding David who was oblivious to the whole scene, told me that his intestines seemed to be enlarged and he has an irregular heart-beat and was running a low grade fever, all consistent as side-effects of this/his antibiotic, he was worried these effects may present themselves in such a small patient with such a high dose, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?"  AM I GOING TO LOSE HIM, DOES HE HAVE VALLEY FEVER?" the doctor looked at me and said frankly "I don't know, I think we are o.k. but can not be certain without several more tests and monitoring him for a few days". 
The nurse now took David and I sat with the doctor for a second longer, he patted my shoulder and said "I'm certain he will be fine, but I'm not willing to take ANY chances with this little guy!"  I understood and appreciated his honesty and most of all his concern. He suggested I call my folks as he had already made arrangements for a room, we were going to be admitted immediately, that is what he was doing when he was out of the room, making these arrangements.
I knew this was going to be one of the most difficult phone calls I've had to make in a few months, GREAT!  I called my dad's phone which was horrid because when I am upset just the sound of my dad's voice makes me cry but I KNEW there was no way I would be able to tell my mom this information and have her hear me let alone understand me.  My dad answered almost immediate, I said "dad" and it was like he knew something was wrong, he said "what is wrong, are you still at the doctor office?"  I started to sob, I told him everything was o.k. for now but I needed them to come to the hospital as soon as they could, my mom had caught wind something wasn't right and he put her on the phone, this is NOT what I needed right now.  I told her I had NO information other than rephrasing what the doctor had told me and that I would know more in a few hours when he met us in the room and gave us the run down of all the tests he had ordered.

The nurse came back into the room with my little angel and I held him tight and could not help but to cry while he was in my arms at this very moment!!


 

he just had to tell me

My folks and I met at the restaurant after our victorious day in court.  I arrived after they had been seated, my mom was still crying and my dad wanted to know immediately what had been said in the hallway, he had little relief in his eyes.  I told him I made "NO deals" and it was simply him coming to reason and realizing he was not going to win soul/physical custody, he knew he had been caught lying to his attorney and his attorney was not representing him to his fullest of knowledge in the situation.  My dad understood this yet did not trust this man as far as he could throw him and he made sure I knew this, daily!  I was mentally exhausted and about to reach my limit for the day, I told my dad it was my turn to tell him everything would be o.k., he had to trust me and had to know that I have David's best interest at heart and that I was not slighting them ANY opportunity and I will always keep them in the loop and they will have a say-so...sigh...was I lying to appease him?  was I saying something to make him feel better about the fight we just won?  WHAT was I doing, did I EVEN know??
My folks asked if I was coming by the house, I didn't want to but I agreed to visit for a little while before I headed back home, my mom said she needed to be with him right now, I understood this, I needed him to!

I go to my friends house her twins nephews were over, they were about a month older than David, she had them all lying on the floor 'coo-ing' at one another, it was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen, David was in the middle as he was the smallest yet had the biggest smile on his face when I walked over to them.  I scooped him up and told her how court went, she cried, I cried and she told me how proud she was and how sorry she was for my dad giving me a harder time than needed to be especially at a time like this.  She knew my family and knew how strong willed my father was, how stern yet how passionate he was about protecting his family, it was definitely bitter-sweet.  I knew this was not going to be an easy transition with my folks and David's father, I only prayed I did not have to play both sides, being stuck smack dab in the middle, that would be NOT cool!!

I got to my folks house, my dad was waiting outside with the gates open for me, I pulled in and he actually came to the car, opened the door and got David out of his car seat for me, he waited for me and we walked into the house together.  My mom was anxiously awaiting our arrival and scooped David right up, I told her he was probably hungry and was going to be ready for a nap, I got a bottle ready and told her I would lay down with him when she was done feeding him, she smiled and thanked me.  My dad asked if he could talk to me on the patio as my mom was feeding the baby.  All I could think of was "here we go again"  I simply had nothing left in me, could he not see this by now??
It took him a few minutes to speak, he was fighting back tears, then he grabbed my hand and I lost it.  He told me "your mom and I can't thank you enough for what you have done, she has nothing left inside of her but the love of this little boy, I want you to know I DO trust you and I know you will and have done what is best for David with a broken heart" ... "I just don't want you to get hurt, I know this man, you don't and for that I can take little comfort!"  I tried to stop him and realized I needed to let him get this out, he continued and told me "this man will lie to you, this man will manipulate you, this man will make you feel like he has your or David's best interest at heart" he stopped and wiped away a tear, or two and said "this man has no heart!" I gasped, I was taken back by what my dad had said to me and knew there was NO response I was going to be able say, I had to take these words/advice and process them and be on guard.  This talk was a little more serious than others, I felt my dad's emotion and it wasn't a raw feeling of recent loss, it was from experience and I felt the hurt a father feels when someone hurts their daughter!

We composed ourselves and went back into the house to find my mom and David asleep on the couch, very peaceful, I had no heart to move either one of them, my dad I decided to go to our respective rooms, me the nursery and take a nap ourselves, this was a day that had surely worn on everyone, I could not help but to cry myself to sleep, this was the only thing that seemed to soothe me lately!

 

win-win

HAPPY NEW YEAR!  and man was I hoping and praying with every ounce it would be...

Statistics say it 'usually' takes the average person at least 12 months to grieve a major loss, they list those as Birth/Death/Divorce/Major Illness, etc...Other readings state because it can be SO wide spread and the relationship within the loss one has suffered can be one of extreme closeness or one with great distance, so the "norm" now for the "average" person is "AS LONG AS IT TAKES YOU TO COMPETE THE WHOLE GRIEVING PROCESS"
I've suffered, o.k., experienced 3 of those listed in a 1 1/2 time frame, am I average, normal, or just stuck in the middle??

 Our court date was in a week, I had made sure I organized all the notes/letters and text messages I had gotten from David's father as well as all his medical records and tests to present to the court on our/my behalf.  My folks and I met with our attorney one more time before our actual date to make sure there was nothing else that needed to be covered, no stone unturned.  We had to send out letters to all our family and relatives over 18 years old making sure they agreed and approved of the guardianship and that they had no interest in making a notion to gain guardianship over us.  We did not know his family history and did not elude to this process as his attorney made no mention, I was scared to death, this was a HUGE risk as it could defeat ALL the work we had done IF someone on his side came forward after this process was started/granted and say that they never got the chance to "fight" for fraternal {family} rights and the process could be stopped or more devastating overturned and if it was found on the basis of malice or integrity it would quite possibly take our rights away forever!   This was huge and something I was not comfortable at ALL in signing off on, but 3 against one, I had no choice, I signed and went along with the basis of  "at the time" we signed and sent our letters, had no "confirmation" of who the father was **sigh**.... Our attorney seemed to think this was no big deal and the fact he was NOT listed on the birth certificate was HUGE in this part of the guardianship appointment.

Today was the day, my friend would be keeping David again so I dropped him off and met my folks a the courthouse, our attorney came up shortly after we arrived and found our seats in the courtroom.  David's father came in shortly after and pulled me aside, we stepped outside where I was met with his attorney as well.  David's father and I had a good re pore, I was open to his ideas and suggestions and he understood I was ultimately going to do what 'I' wanted which in turn was the best for David.  He wanted a general 'say-so' and I understood this, it was fairly easy in the aspect I had NO intimate connection with this man, not to say that the entire thing was not difficult but it was what had to be done for David and that is all the matters.  David's father told his attorney he could go inside and he would join him shortly, I thought this was kind of odd and had me off guard, NOT a position I was prepared to be in at that very moment, I HAD to be on my A game this morning, there was NO other way I would get through this if I was not.  He told me "I'm letting my attorney go, I will agree to the guardianship as long as you keep David and your parents do not have him or have any say-so" I stopped him and said "they will not allow that, I've tried and for the fact they lost his mother so suddenly, they are afraid of losing him as well" I had to speak it in simple terms for him to understand, he agreed and said "then you have all the control and I will only deal with you and it will be whatever you and I want when it comes to David" this sucked, I felt like I was making a deal with the devil, it had already been written and presented what we wanted and what was going to happen and now at the 24th hour, it was all about to be changed....What the hell??
We went back into the room and took our respective seats when the judge then called us up, our attorney stood for the 3 of us and he sat alone as his attorney came up with him and as quick as he came up, excused himself from the case and left the courtroom.  My mom and dad looked at me in disbelief, they knew this was a good thing but had no idea what was said between us since we had NO time to talk before the judge came in.  Our attorney looked at me, I nodded an o.k. and then we proceeded. 
The judge was a little surprised and asked if we were prepared to continue, our attorney advised we were ready to present all our facts and continue forward with the granting of permanent guardianship of this said minor.  The judge heard our attorney and was presented with all the forms and letters, he then read over he mediators report and asked if there was anything further to be presented from either side before we took recess and he made his decision, David's father stood up and said to the judge "I agree with the papers and the report, I want David to remain with his aunt and I will deal with her and make all decisions for the good of David with her, I will also allow her parents to listed as guardians" my mom burst into tears, my dad looked at me as if I had made a deal with the devil, man was he spot on with what I was feeling...Our attorney looked at the judge and said "with that being said and co-counsel excusing himself, I would assume guardianship will be granted for my clients" the judge looked sternly at each one of us then said with the understanding you all have for one another and the understanding that this is about a young child and NOT about one another, past or present feelings then I will grant this guardianship which also places the maternal aunt as the main guardian and "the voice of reason" as the mediator report states and wish you all the best of luck!!

He needed no recess and as quick as it began, it was all over, we got what we wanted, my folks were too emotional to respond, I gave a quick nod to the judge and a smile of content to our attorney and then we were excused from the stand{s}. 

tis the season

One holiday down and one more to go before we can say hello to a new year and new beginnings!

Christmas was fast approaching and I just could not get into the ‘spirit’ I also had NO intentions on decorating, I mean David would not remember anyway, right?  My daughter was not going to be home a lot over the winter break, I guess I just didn’t have the spirit in me.  I was aware of my blessing and didn’t need to be reminded how joyful I needed to be.  No one really said anything,  it was a given, it is not like people walked on egg shells around me, most knew the situation or basic information, my sister had died and I had her son, either way, I was not very vocal about the whole happenings. 
My main focus was on our court date and keeping peace between my folks and David’s father, this needed to work, we had several years to come with this man and he was David’s father no matter how they looked at it and it was not going to go away no matter how hard they tried to get rid of the thoughts, it was reality and a reality that they needed to understood.  Their daughter choose this man and now she is gone and although it is apparent they did not agree with her choice{s}, it is not ours to dictate her right/wrongs.  Just as we are left with this little angel, we are also left with her wishes; we must uphold and honor them for her, for this little boy!

To my surprise the sun still came up every day just as it set each night, this meant time WAS moving forward, then why did it feel as if it just happened hours ago??  I can’t shake the feeling of loss and the thoughts of death, the visual is something that keeps me from sleeping each night, I wish it was the newborn that kept me awake, but it was not, he was good at sleeping ALREADY, I’m certain the medication helped…maybe this was a small blessing I need to embrace and let the grieving process begin! 

We had our scheduled appointment at the infectious disease clinic in between the holidays. David was given a clean bill of health along with news we didn’t have to come every 2 weeks now, we could come in monthly since he was doing/responding so well to the antibiotics, this was a very good thing, I considered this my Christmas gift (:   Christmas was here and of course I had to work so the drill would be the same as it was for Thanksgiving, this time my sister would be coming down to spend the night as well.  She wanted to be there on Christmas morning.  My mom had hung all our childhood stockings and that was about the extent of the decorations this year. There were presents stacked neatly in a corner and a small red poinsettia plant at the shrine.  My folks had a corner table they had placed her sunglasses on, her last picture taken along with an angel votive that they burned daily for her, my mom also wrote a little note and it remained untouched.  My mom asked my sister I and to write a note to put in her stocking, she wanted this to be a yearly ritual, we were hesitant but agreed. 
My oldest daughter called when I was on my way to work, it was dusk and she was crying and I was scared something had happened to her.  She told me she was fine, she was sitting at the graveside and had just taken a poinsettia plant to my grandmother as well as her aunt.  I had to pull over, I started to cry and could not stop, I asked if she was o.k. and what had happened, she said “nothing mom, I wanted to bring grandma a plant like aunt Tanya did every year and of course I left one for her now too!”  I could not form a word if I wanted to at this very moment, she told me “I just wanted to call and tell you I miss her horribly mom and I want her back here with us, this is just not fair mom”  I mustered up a few words “I know baby, I know”  she knew there was nothing else that could be said or done and we ended the phone call with “I love yous” & as many tears” which was not so out of the ordinary, it just seemed to happen at more random times and places! 
I got to work and checked in on David and my youngest daughter and told her I would see her tomorrow afternoon when she came out to see us, she was having a bad day soooo I soothed her the best I could through the phone and hung up with a very heavy heart. 
I made my way back to my folks when work was over, and it could not have been over 1 minute sooner!   My sister was waiting up for me and greeted me with a hug and you guessed it, tears and a lot of them.  She did not know how difficult it would be to stay the night in the house since she had been gone, especially since she was here the last time, I agreed and told her it just doesn’t even seem real anymore, it is like a HUGE nightmare, she asked me “how do you do it” I questioned her “do what?” she said   “this, come here, see them, see him every day, he looks identical to her??” I said I don’t feel anything, I just simply go through the {automatic} motions” I mean he needs to eat, be changed, bathed and held, it just comes natural I guess”  she broke down and said “I can hardly get myself up every day, I can hardly dress and take care of my daughter it hurts that bad!” I cried with her as we curled up on the couch in one of her favorite blankets.  Santa, err, our dad woke up and sat with us on the couch, all he could say was “I’m sorry you girls are having to go through this” then he got up to make coffee and head back to bed. 
My sister and I composed ourselves and wrote our separate notes so our mom would be happy when she woke up.  David was awake now, it was nearly 6 a.m. and I had not been to sleep, I told my sister to get some rest and I would feed him, we both knew the rest of the house would be up in a couple hours anyway. 

His little face was the sweetest thing when he woke up, he was hungry, not crying just waiting patiently for me to prepare his bottle, he stared at me the entire time I was feeding him as if he knew I was upset, he knew I had been crying.  I made it a point to not be upset or cry when I held him; I didn’t want that to EVER come across to him, ever!  I sat and I thought about what my sister had said, I felt so bad for her yet on the other hand I wished I had that options of not being able to ‘function’ I mean not having to get out of bed if you didn’t want to or claim I couldn’t?!?!  Have I shorted myself this option,  what have I done?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!  The entire house was up now, coffee was on and the kids were having fun opening their gifts, my mom had a smile on her face and my dad was content to have everyone in the house with them as they woke up.  We had a decent day, our dad had surprised us all and got us all small gifts, it was the most heartfelt thing I had experienced in a long time, if ever!  We had a nice meal, family came and went, my daughters came and went and my sister left with her daughter to be with her husband’s family and before I knew it, it was the 4 of us left in the house. 
I took a nap and headed back to work, I would come back and spend one more night with my folks since the girls would not be home and it was finally my last night of work, then hooray for days off! 

I drove to work praying that this night would go by fast and I would be able to one day find my way!

...thankful

David was doing well with his Asthma and breathing issues & his antibiotics but has now developed "colic" what the heck is all this crying about? 
David was nearly 3 months old now and Thanksgiving was right around the corner, a holiday to be thankful for all you have, I am going to pass on making comments on this holiday and say I am thankful I have to work.  David will be staying the night with my folks, me when I get off work so I will be there when our feast is ready.  My sister will be coming down as well, my aunt and her family will be over as well as the girl's when they finish with their dad's family.
I had less than a week to prepare for this holiday and we had our appointment with infectious disease in a couple days.

I went back to work and I was actually happy and looking for a little {mind} rest, that was a sad statement especially since my job is one of the most stressful listed in America's job census. 
David was at home with my daughter, she was scared he would have another episode since he had been in the hospital twice now, we talked and she knew what to look for, we were both certain he had enough meds in him now to be good till he was 2, but we still both worried ourselves sick.
I prayed he slept so she could sleep, I know how draining it had become and what a toll it takes and she was still in school, I felt so guilty I had to mentally block the thoughts and just go through the motions!

I had called and changed David's appointment to my first day off, they were aware of my work schedule and the office was more than accommodating. 
I hardly ever sleep anymore so it was nothing to be up it seemed as soon as I had laid my head on the pillow when I came home from work.  I took my daughter to school and came back to get David and I ready for his appointment.
David napped the way down so when we arrived he was bright eyed and in a great mood, this made the girl's in the office as well as the doctor very happy.  David was a happy and loving little baby, he always seemed to have a smile on his face, I claimed to see it everyday!
The doctor gave us a clean bill on this visit, said all of David's tests looked good from his last stay and he would see us in 3 weeks due to the holiday.  I thanked him for all he has done for us, he winked and patted my back and said "of course" as we left the office.

I packed our bag and took David to my folks, only to return when I got off work in the wee morning hours.  Work was busy, time seemed to fly bye, this was a good thing. 
I slept for a few hours then it was rise and shine, they had a smaller house and it was NOT as insulated so the moment I heard David stirring I felt I had to be up.  I knew my mom had to cook and I wasn't sure what time my sister was coming down, so I begged for some coffee and off to the shower I went. 
I went into the kitchen to get my fuel, err coffee, I absolutely hated the stuff growing up and, well, now it was a main staple, kind of funny I think.  My mom greeted me and said my dad was outside with David on the patio so that is where I was headed, I told her I would be back to help her in a few.
David was sleep in his carrier and my dad was focused in his thoughts, I sat down and he asked how I slept, I just smiled and he knew.  My mom had a bed for me in my sister's room, I ended up on the couch, there was NO way I could have slept in her bed, let alone her room, I made my pallet on the couch, it was comfy and when your exhausted I think a round rock would have been just as comfy!!

Before I knew it my sister had arrived and my Aunt as well as my godmother had arrived also, it was nice to have some noise in the house, yet it reminded me, well, all of us, of the day we buried her.  This was the "first" gathering since her passing just barely 3 months ago now, it was just still SO raw & surreal.
My aunt and godmother had taken over the cooking, it took all my mom had to even start what she had started, I know having us all there was just what she had needed.  Since they were suddenly living alone and the constant company had stopped it was a huge reality check for both my folks, they were still just functioning above the level of the dead, I say this as she was still ALL over the house, her room and bathroom still untouched, her toothbrush still on the sink and her robe still hanging on the door. 

We had a great meal and I was ready for a nap, I grabbed David and made mention I hope he is ready for a nap, my sister stopped me and said "please let me rock him so you can get some good rest" I was more than willing to let her rock him, bond with him and I would in turn get some uninterrupted sleep, win-win :)
I slept till I had to go back to work, my sister was actually going to stay with my folks tonight so I would go home after I got off work and come back down tomorrow late morning, it would be my day off so I could sleep that night and they would have some quality time with David.

For this I was THANKFUL!