I want to recall that I slept well once I got home, but to be honest, I can't remember, I had called the hospital and checked in to make sure nothing had changed and I checked on the girl's as they were sound asleep, I don't even think they knew I was home until they woke up to leave for school. They came in and made sure everything was ok and I mumbled to them that their aunt would be taking the early morning shift at the hospital and I would be going down with them when they got home from school, confirmed to them that I would allow them to come home at noon since things were now up in the air and it was Friday. I would take the first part of the day to get some stuff done and have a bit of a {mental} break which they agreed was a great idea!
I checked in with my parents and they said they were getting up and ready and that my sister was waking as well and they would all be headed back to the hospital. I got up, took my shower and called into work. I was on vacation this past week prior & had been on days off up to today, I was due to go back to work this evening. I had been in contact with work so I called my supervisor and told her what little we knew still and told her I would call her when I got to the hospital but more than likely would not be in today, she agreed and gave her reassurance that if there was anything I needed to just call her.
I made a few other phone calls and laid back down on my bed to rest since my sleep this past week was less than and I maybe slept for a total of 5 hrs last night, my mind was full of `what the heck is going on, what is happening`, my heart was aching to the point it almost felt as if had stopped beating entirely.
It was mid morning when my cell phone rang, it was my sister, she had a urgency about her tone as soon as I said hello, she told me it would be a good idea if I came to the hospital now and not waited till this afternoon, I questioned nothing, called my oldest daughter as she was on her way home anyway, she was too upset to stay at school today. When she got home we hugged and cried, I told her I knew nothing at this point but knew last night she took a turn for the worse and told her what the Dr had said and how she had looked when I left her. My daughter had already called the school so when we arrived my youngest daughter was outside waiting for us and we headed down to the hospital. I called my supervisor on he way down, she had offered the department chaplain, I respectfully declined but thanked her for the offer, she gave me all the time I needed and to told me to please take care and let her know if we needed anything today.
The drive was a long one it seemed, my daughter was driving as I was definitely in no shape this time to do so, I can confidently say we were all in a state of shock, it was survival mode at it's best!
what was going on?
what had happened overnight?
was she going to be alive when we got there?
what was going to happen to the baby?
the girl's pleaded, mom what are we going to do?
We each silently cried the rest of the way...
We arrived and ran up to the ICU waiting room where we found my mom and dad in the `family` room and my sister in her room visiting with her, she had not seen her in over a week since their visit to Merced to see the baby after he was born. I didn't see the urgency at this point and was kind of mad, my mom was a mess, that was nothing new given our last 4 days, my dad was pacing, again, nothing new, the girl's were in panic "what now they asked" I was determined to get to the bottom of this all!
My dad and I went into her room, passing my sister at the door, she grabbed me and sobbed and said she looks SO BEAUTIFUL, thank you. I told her I would be out in a few minutes and we would take a walk. I entered the room and saw the police chaplain standing at the foot of her bed, my dad looked at me and smiled and whispered "thank you", I was a little confused at this point & then it hit me, the urgency was here and it was real. She was laying there, completely flat and now hooked up to a ventilator, we were told her breathing had gotten worse through the night and was only manageable by the assistance of a machine by the time the day nurses came onto the floor. I stood in awe at how quick this had all seemed to have turned bad, I mean I have been here the whole time, what could I have done differently?
As my dad and the chaplain were continuing their conversation, to this day I could NOT tell you what the conversation was about but I can tell you my dad had not talked that much in 4 days and it was nice to see him `relate` to someone in the midst of this now crisis.
2.12.2012
2.11.2012
night #3
I mean how selfish of me to think `we` had something to fight for, she was the one in the hospital, the ICU unit at that. The Dr told us they had done several blood tests, several x-rays and were still puzzled at her high fever and her inability to fight this now infection. There was no name for this infection, no cause, no explanation other than him simply telling us we needed to pray for her. He said they would be monitoring her closely through this night and they will perform more tests tomorrow. PRAY FOR HER?? WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?? I asked him, he looked at me and said "We don't know what is wrong with her, but I do know she is very very sick right now" "We have to control her fever and this infection that came on and seems to be spreading". I sat in disbelief, pray, PRAY? My dad grabbed my mom as she fell apart, my dad put his hand on my shoulder and I said I have to go back to her room, I have to be with her right now!
I had made a brief phone call to my sister as I was going back upstairs, she was extremely upset and on her way down, she was in more disbelief as she had not come down sooner to see her and to be with us. I assured her this was news to us as we/I had no idea it was this bad. I told her the last couple days have been a difficult haul but nothing I thought would have ever turned this drastic in a matter of a few hours. She told me she would be at the hospital first thing in the morning and I wished her safe travels. I went back up, buzzed myself in, my parents shortly followed to say good night to us both.
Tanya seemed to be in a pretty uncomfortable state, it appeared to me they had her bed in a flatter position than they had earlier in the day, I'm confidant it was due to the fact she seemed to be having more difficulty breathing so they had also, what I described as a breathing treatment machine on steroids placed by her bed to help her along. I had a bad gut feeling about this `sudden` change if you will but knew this was the fight that needed to be fought!
I walked my parents out of the room and when the double doors closed behind us, I lost it, I mean I LOST IT, I was a hot mess, I could not control my sobbing, my outbursts, I was shaking and not sure how that wall was going to hold me up, my parents froze in fear, I saw it in my mom's eyes and felt it in my dad's embrace. I regained my wits, I HAD to pull it together to be strong for her tonight, I had to take care of her, tonight would be the night I talked to her and told her what she needed to do to get better even though I had not the slightest god damn clue what that was, but she did not need to know that!
My parents left and I went back in to her room, it became immediately apparent this night was going to be a challenge, we had "Helga" and you know there is always a "Helga" {the horrible} nurse out there and she always has to pull at least one of your shifts, this was HER night and HER shift. I went into the room and was soon greeted by Helga, she told me I would have to leave shortly, she was not going to allow me to stay the night, I told her, I was sorry, that I had been here for 3 days now and I was not going anywhere, I was not leaving my baby sister's side. Helga informed me that they would be doing some test and giving her blood transfusions throughout the night and that it would be better if I was not here. I was appalled and told her, she is scared to death, she does not realize what is going on, I have to be here to explain it to her and...I was cut off, Helga advised me my sister is an adult and if she is incompetent to sign her name for the authorization for the transfusion then they will go with the Dr's authorization anyway. I was like ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW, she can't even talk, and you want to explain to her your going to give her blood and expect her to sign for this?? Helga did not seem to care at this point and it was obvious I was losing this battle quickly.
I was able to speak with her and tell her what was going on, what they needed to do to make her feel better, I think she knew although she seemed really nervous. I was then able to say good night, tell her I loved her and kiss her forehead as I heard her mumble back to me, I was then asked to leave the room.
It was late, nearly 11p.m., I was told I could stay in the waiting/family room for the night, but thought the best place for me would be home, in my own bed, with my girl's, a place I had been away from for 4 days now. I was probably in the worst possible emotional state `ever` to drive 30+ minutes but it did me some good to be alone and have some quiet time.
I had made a brief phone call to my sister as I was going back upstairs, she was extremely upset and on her way down, she was in more disbelief as she had not come down sooner to see her and to be with us. I assured her this was news to us as we/I had no idea it was this bad. I told her the last couple days have been a difficult haul but nothing I thought would have ever turned this drastic in a matter of a few hours. She told me she would be at the hospital first thing in the morning and I wished her safe travels. I went back up, buzzed myself in, my parents shortly followed to say good night to us both.
Tanya seemed to be in a pretty uncomfortable state, it appeared to me they had her bed in a flatter position than they had earlier in the day, I'm confidant it was due to the fact she seemed to be having more difficulty breathing so they had also, what I described as a breathing treatment machine on steroids placed by her bed to help her along. I had a bad gut feeling about this `sudden` change if you will but knew this was the fight that needed to be fought!
I walked my parents out of the room and when the double doors closed behind us, I lost it, I mean I LOST IT, I was a hot mess, I could not control my sobbing, my outbursts, I was shaking and not sure how that wall was going to hold me up, my parents froze in fear, I saw it in my mom's eyes and felt it in my dad's embrace. I regained my wits, I HAD to pull it together to be strong for her tonight, I had to take care of her, tonight would be the night I talked to her and told her what she needed to do to get better even though I had not the slightest god damn clue what that was, but she did not need to know that!
My parents left and I went back in to her room, it became immediately apparent this night was going to be a challenge, we had "Helga" and you know there is always a "Helga" {the horrible} nurse out there and she always has to pull at least one of your shifts, this was HER night and HER shift. I went into the room and was soon greeted by Helga, she told me I would have to leave shortly, she was not going to allow me to stay the night, I told her, I was sorry, that I had been here for 3 days now and I was not going anywhere, I was not leaving my baby sister's side. Helga informed me that they would be doing some test and giving her blood transfusions throughout the night and that it would be better if I was not here. I was appalled and told her, she is scared to death, she does not realize what is going on, I have to be here to explain it to her and...I was cut off, Helga advised me my sister is an adult and if she is incompetent to sign her name for the authorization for the transfusion then they will go with the Dr's authorization anyway. I was like ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW, she can't even talk, and you want to explain to her your going to give her blood and expect her to sign for this?? Helga did not seem to care at this point and it was obvious I was losing this battle quickly.
I was able to speak with her and tell her what was going on, what they needed to do to make her feel better, I think she knew although she seemed really nervous. I was then able to say good night, tell her I loved her and kiss her forehead as I heard her mumble back to me, I was then asked to leave the room.
It was late, nearly 11p.m., I was told I could stay in the waiting/family room for the night, but thought the best place for me would be home, in my own bed, with my girl's, a place I had been away from for 4 days now. I was probably in the worst possible emotional state `ever` to drive 30+ minutes but it did me some good to be alone and have some quiet time.
2.10.2012
day #3
Morning came, day nurses came on, it was shift change, I kissed her forehead as she was finally in a good sleep and I stepped out of the room to get some fresh air and enjoy the sunlight and make a few phone calls. I called my girl's to make sure they were ready for school, my folks to tell them nothing had changed overnight other than more tests and blood work and we should have the results later this afternoon, then I called my sister to make sure she was better today and she told me she would be coming down after work today which I have to be honest was a relief to me, I might be able to sleep a little and take a break from the hospital setting that I have been living for the last 3 days now. I was not willing nor able at this point to tell my parents about the conversation if you will she and I had shared last night.
My parents arrived late morning, family and more friends seemed to fill the waiting and family rooms today, there was also a lot of activity in and out of her room. My mom and I were next in line to go into her room, as we entered the doors, the nurse stopped us and said to my mother, I have an urgent phone call for you and handed her the phone. My mom started to cry and plea for nothing more to happen until she and my dad could get down there to sign the proper paperwork, she hung up the phone and told me that was a CPS worker calling from Valley Children's Hospital in Merced advising her that they would be placing a hold on the baby who had not had and visitors up to and including the mother and father in 3 days now. Needless to say, my mom already running on high emotions fell apart and as her and my dad rushed 45 miles up north to meet with the CPS worker as well as the NICU staff nurses. The baby was a month early and in fairly good health, he was admitted to NICU due to his size and his inability to swallow and keep down any formula, other than that his vital organs & birth condition was fine.
I stayed in her room most of that afternoon, there was a lot of activity if you will with nurses, more tests and such. She seemed to be in a state of rest, it is the only way I can describe it, it was weird to me but a relief at the same time to see her finally resting.
My parents returned to the hospital a few hours later, most of our family’s & friends had gone home and my daughters were about ready to leave when we all decided to go to the cafeteria and get a bite to eat for the evening shift change, we ate and the girl's left for home, it was a little later than I had preferred but considering the circumstances I guess it could slide.
I joined my parents back in the cafeteria after walking the girls out, hoping to finally talk about what happened in Merced when we were then meet by her Dr that had apparently been looking for us in her room, he approached us and asked us to join him outside, we did as he looked at us one by one. He was a family Dr and had been her Dr for 20 plus years for her asthma symptoms and treatment. He called us all by name, my mom, dad and then I, this was not going to be good, I had a gut feeling this was not going to be the news we wanted to hear but still positive it would be something we could fight for.
My parents arrived late morning, family and more friends seemed to fill the waiting and family rooms today, there was also a lot of activity in and out of her room. My mom and I were next in line to go into her room, as we entered the doors, the nurse stopped us and said to my mother, I have an urgent phone call for you and handed her the phone. My mom started to cry and plea for nothing more to happen until she and my dad could get down there to sign the proper paperwork, she hung up the phone and told me that was a CPS worker calling from Valley Children's Hospital in Merced advising her that they would be placing a hold on the baby who had not had and visitors up to and including the mother and father in 3 days now. Needless to say, my mom already running on high emotions fell apart and as her and my dad rushed 45 miles up north to meet with the CPS worker as well as the NICU staff nurses. The baby was a month early and in fairly good health, he was admitted to NICU due to his size and his inability to swallow and keep down any formula, other than that his vital organs & birth condition was fine.
I stayed in her room most of that afternoon, there was a lot of activity if you will with nurses, more tests and such. She seemed to be in a state of rest, it is the only way I can describe it, it was weird to me but a relief at the same time to see her finally resting.
My parents returned to the hospital a few hours later, most of our family’s & friends had gone home and my daughters were about ready to leave when we all decided to go to the cafeteria and get a bite to eat for the evening shift change, we ate and the girl's left for home, it was a little later than I had preferred but considering the circumstances I guess it could slide.
I joined my parents back in the cafeteria after walking the girls out, hoping to finally talk about what happened in Merced when we were then meet by her Dr that had apparently been looking for us in her room, he approached us and asked us to join him outside, we did as he looked at us one by one. He was a family Dr and had been her Dr for 20 plus years for her asthma symptoms and treatment. He called us all by name, my mom, dad and then I, this was not going to be good, I had a gut feeling this was not going to be the news we wanted to hear but still positive it would be something we could fight for.
2.09.2012
night #2
The girl's had a good visit, they came out and it was obvious they were NOT prepared to see their aunt in that type of setting. You spend your life raising your children, protecting them from the outside world, all the bad and all the ugliness. You protect them from harm and hurt and you definitely don't want them to experience anything that will be devastating before they are truly ready, I mean are ANY of us truly ready?
The girl's stayed for a little while longer, got a bite to eat with my folks and cousin and then they went home to do homework and get ready for school. I joined my folks a little later down in the cafeteria before they went up to say good night. We discussed what our game plan for tomorrow would be as far as the Dr's and nurses were concerned and the {hopeful} answers we would have. I called my sister to tell her there was no change and that I would call her first thing tomorrow as soon as I got the Dr's report. I assured her Tanya was ok and telling her she would be ok in staying home tonight as we would see what tomorrow unveiled. She was a little reluctant but knew I was there to take care of it and I would not give her false hope as apparently our mom had in a conversation they had earlier in the afternoon. My mom was eluding to the fact that Tanya would be home in a day or two at the most, it was simply her asthma that was bothering her.
I again choose to stay that night in her room to make sure she was not alone. This night I gained a little resistance from the night nurses but they conceded once I let them know I had been here from day one and I pretty much was not leaving her side. It was a quiet night, no changes except for more noise, in the way of the machines that were added at her bedside, a few more IV poles and the machine to cool her was now a mattress that they had put her bed, this was a manual operating one, when her body heat rose, it would turn on and regulate the temperature on it's own.
I think I had actually dosed off for a quick minute and woke up to Tanya stirring, she seemed to be uncomfortable and was needing something. The `cooler` had turned on and I got up to see if she was ok, what she needed. She wanted some ice chips and mumbled to me she was tired. I told her I know, stroked her head which was burning up and told her it is ok, your ok, close you eyes and go back to sleep. Tanya was agitated, mumbling over and over "Im tired", "I can't do this/anymore" I finally heard & understood her words and knew at that very moment she WAS tired and as helpless as she looked to us, she was just that, helpless!
Tanya then mumbled to me repeatedly, "take care of him, don't let him go away", I knew this was NOT the talk I wanted to have with her, not under these conditions and NOT the way I planned on talking to her about her and her son's future. This night turned out to be for her and I, she apparently needed to make sure I knew what she wanted, what needed to be done, I refused to believe it would be anything different than HER being at home and taking care of her son. I listened and made sure she knew I understood and would do nothing short of what she had wished/wanted me to do.
I had a different perspective this night, after our brief interaction, which had not occurred in nearly 3 days now, I could not help but have a sense of vulnerability as I sat there and watched her try and rest in her uncomfortable state, she had a calm about her, I could see it in her face, don't ask me to explain it, just trust me, it was there.
The girl's stayed for a little while longer, got a bite to eat with my folks and cousin and then they went home to do homework and get ready for school. I joined my folks a little later down in the cafeteria before they went up to say good night. We discussed what our game plan for tomorrow would be as far as the Dr's and nurses were concerned and the {hopeful} answers we would have. I called my sister to tell her there was no change and that I would call her first thing tomorrow as soon as I got the Dr's report. I assured her Tanya was ok and telling her she would be ok in staying home tonight as we would see what tomorrow unveiled. She was a little reluctant but knew I was there to take care of it and I would not give her false hope as apparently our mom had in a conversation they had earlier in the afternoon. My mom was eluding to the fact that Tanya would be home in a day or two at the most, it was simply her asthma that was bothering her.
I again choose to stay that night in her room to make sure she was not alone. This night I gained a little resistance from the night nurses but they conceded once I let them know I had been here from day one and I pretty much was not leaving her side. It was a quiet night, no changes except for more noise, in the way of the machines that were added at her bedside, a few more IV poles and the machine to cool her was now a mattress that they had put her bed, this was a manual operating one, when her body heat rose, it would turn on and regulate the temperature on it's own.
I think I had actually dosed off for a quick minute and woke up to Tanya stirring, she seemed to be uncomfortable and was needing something. The `cooler` had turned on and I got up to see if she was ok, what she needed. She wanted some ice chips and mumbled to me she was tired. I told her I know, stroked her head which was burning up and told her it is ok, your ok, close you eyes and go back to sleep. Tanya was agitated, mumbling over and over "Im tired", "I can't do this/anymore" I finally heard & understood her words and knew at that very moment she WAS tired and as helpless as she looked to us, she was just that, helpless!
Tanya then mumbled to me repeatedly, "take care of him, don't let him go away", I knew this was NOT the talk I wanted to have with her, not under these conditions and NOT the way I planned on talking to her about her and her son's future. This night turned out to be for her and I, she apparently needed to make sure I knew what she wanted, what needed to be done, I refused to believe it would be anything different than HER being at home and taking care of her son. I listened and made sure she knew I understood and would do nothing short of what she had wished/wanted me to do.
I had a different perspective this night, after our brief interaction, which had not occurred in nearly 3 days now, I could not help but have a sense of vulnerability as I sat there and watched her try and rest in her uncomfortable state, she had a calm about her, I could see it in her face, don't ask me to explain it, just trust me, it was there.
2.08.2012
day #2
I went back up to the room, to relieve my dad as the ICU Dr came in and told us, my mom and I, that to be perfectly honest, they had no idea what was going on with Tanya. They would be preforming a multitude of tests today and for now they needed to focus on her spiking high fever and her breathing.
Kind of a blow to the system at this point, my mom left the room, I stayed behind to be with her and make sure she was comfortable as she was seemingly becoming more and more nervous and having moments of anxiety, my heart was heavy as I felt very useless, I could not make the hurt go away, there was no band-aid I could give her at this point to make her feel better!
I stayed by her bedside for a good portion of the morning, nurses in and nurses out. There was not a whole lot of conversation, just one or two visitors and the girls would be coming down after school this afternoon to see her and be with me. I called my sister and let her know what the Dr had said this morning and she had a definite "freak out" moment and was ready to be here in minutes. I assured her there was nothing any of us could do at this point and that we would hopefully know more this evening after all the tests and blood work that they would be doing today. I retreated to the cafeteria to find my mom, dad and cousin sitting outside enjoying the sunshine and having a bite to eat, I joined them and all I could think about was her, laying in that cold room, scared to death and not able to be out here with us. We talked, we definitely cried and said not much more, there was still that shock factor of the unknown and what the next few days, hell, the next few hours held for us all!
It was early afternoon when I returned to her room with my dad as my mom and cousin stayed in the family room area just beyond the waiting room right outside the ICU area. I sat there as my dad stood over her bed, looking at her, holding her hand and staring at all the monitors that had seemed to have multiplied since we had left the room just a few hours earlier. Not much was said, I mean what do you say to a man that is the one you have always looked up to, that man who is the strongest person you know, the one you have always looked up to for your strength, the one who always took care of you, your family, the one who now stands in silence with the youngest of his children and he does so absolutely helpless and feels there is nothing he can do to make the situation any better for her, make it right, perhaps even take her place in the hospital bed. I whispered to him across the bed, "I love you", he nodded and said "I have to go be with your mother, I will be back sweetheart, thank you".
I stayed till late afternoon, when my girl's had arrived and went to the waiting room to see them. To my surprise the waiting room was full, my cousins, my aunt, my uncle and a few close family friends were all surrounding my parents and lining the walls of the family room. I remember having a brief moment of "why such sad faces, why are you all here?" she will be fine, we need to get her fever under control and she can go home, she is resting well and gaining strength".
I greeted everyone and took my girl's alone in the family room, we had a good cry, we hugged and they wanted to go see her as they had not since she had been admitted. I told them she was resting, she was not talking too much and that she would love to see them! They wanted to go in alone, so I took this opportunity to take a little walk, get something to drink and just have a `quiet moment` alone.
Kind of a blow to the system at this point, my mom left the room, I stayed behind to be with her and make sure she was comfortable as she was seemingly becoming more and more nervous and having moments of anxiety, my heart was heavy as I felt very useless, I could not make the hurt go away, there was no band-aid I could give her at this point to make her feel better!
I stayed by her bedside for a good portion of the morning, nurses in and nurses out. There was not a whole lot of conversation, just one or two visitors and the girls would be coming down after school this afternoon to see her and be with me. I called my sister and let her know what the Dr had said this morning and she had a definite "freak out" moment and was ready to be here in minutes. I assured her there was nothing any of us could do at this point and that we would hopefully know more this evening after all the tests and blood work that they would be doing today. I retreated to the cafeteria to find my mom, dad and cousin sitting outside enjoying the sunshine and having a bite to eat, I joined them and all I could think about was her, laying in that cold room, scared to death and not able to be out here with us. We talked, we definitely cried and said not much more, there was still that shock factor of the unknown and what the next few days, hell, the next few hours held for us all!
It was early afternoon when I returned to her room with my dad as my mom and cousin stayed in the family room area just beyond the waiting room right outside the ICU area. I sat there as my dad stood over her bed, looking at her, holding her hand and staring at all the monitors that had seemed to have multiplied since we had left the room just a few hours earlier. Not much was said, I mean what do you say to a man that is the one you have always looked up to, that man who is the strongest person you know, the one you have always looked up to for your strength, the one who always took care of you, your family, the one who now stands in silence with the youngest of his children and he does so absolutely helpless and feels there is nothing he can do to make the situation any better for her, make it right, perhaps even take her place in the hospital bed. I whispered to him across the bed, "I love you", he nodded and said "I have to go be with your mother, I will be back sweetheart, thank you".
I stayed till late afternoon, when my girl's had arrived and went to the waiting room to see them. To my surprise the waiting room was full, my cousins, my aunt, my uncle and a few close family friends were all surrounding my parents and lining the walls of the family room. I remember having a brief moment of "why such sad faces, why are you all here?" she will be fine, we need to get her fever under control and she can go home, she is resting well and gaining strength".
I greeted everyone and took my girl's alone in the family room, we had a good cry, we hugged and they wanted to go see her as they had not since she had been admitted. I told them she was resting, she was not talking too much and that she would love to see them! They wanted to go in alone, so I took this opportunity to take a little walk, get something to drink and just have a `quiet moment` alone.
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