So it read.....

**2 year old post/draft** 
to read this prior to publishing it is a "thing" for sure {shoulder shrug} as well as picking up daily devotionals, again! HAPPY READING my friends...
 

"rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be consistent in prayer."

I guess it is fitting being that I am grasping onto what ever hope I can at this very moment, he and I had our first "riff" since he has been gone, nearly two full months now, so the only thing I know that is certain is that I have been extremely consistent in my prayers!
I have missed only but a couple of days in church and have been faithful with a devotional plan along with talking to God daily, most recently confessing all that I bare on my shoulders, I willingly give onto his....

Our expectations when we become derailed either move us forward into joy or they thrust us into worry and concern - Do I really want to believe that God is wanting us to learn a lesson from such trivial misunderstandings, I thought it was only super important, life critical lessons that he wanted us to learn and grow from, am I wrong? 
I believe I am .. how, I have no clue, I think that is all part of his grand plan as well! SO, I will continue to believe there is always a message that is bigger and better than the one I chose to receive during my derailment and instead of my immediate and sometimes "not so nice" reaction(s) I will make a conscious effort to give thought and purpose to such struggle(s). 

Downloading and being faithful in my daily readings have truly been a god send, no pun or innuendo intended - HONEST!! I have seemed to find (or they have been placed for my choosing) absolute perfect "plans" that have made this particular part of my journey exceptionally meaningful and has opened my eyes more than anything I can recall in a very, very long time.

Although I am saddened by the fact that in nearly two months I am going to bed without saying good night to my husband and our last conversation ended on a particularly bitter note, I take comfort in knowing that I have done what I can do and have made my mind and heart right with the derailment and I have no control over such circumstances to which I have been accused. To say we are living with a little bit of stress is a gross understatement! 
Good Night

Do YOU walk with God?

**WARNING** 2 year old post, YES, I am trying, yet again to become more and more "faithful" to myself and as I read this post, how appropriate it is to publish it today ~ Happy Reading!!
 

WELP! I did it, took the leap today and let me just tell you how good, GREAT it felt to walk back into a church (that didn't burn down).
I knew I was losing it, truly losing it, everything seemed beyond my control yet it was all happening right in front of my face and in lightening speed. I can honestly say that the day I got the phone call that my baby sister was leaving us, I have never experienced such pain and heartache than I have in the last two weeks! I proclaim to be one of the strongest people on earth, I have been through enough so I think, scratch that, I KNOW I am entitled. I will also tell you that I was in no way, shape or form prepared to do what I have done and will have to do for the next few months.
I was silently asking for help, because it is in NO way acceptable for me to ask for real, a curse maybe, safety net, for sure. I grew up in a traditional Catholic family, the events faded as my family grew, but the Sunday's at my grandparents was a for sure thing until my grandfather became ill and passed away my senior year of high school, this would be the first time I experienced death. Whether my parents shielded me from any of it in my younger years to this day, I was not sure, but this was the first of a long list of good-byes I would have to participate in.
I hold close to my heart, my grandfather's crucifix...
I have an engraved bible from a dear friend that knew I needed it more than I did...
I have always held family and childhood traditions close, like never using God's name in vein...
I have always felt and proved it today, at home in the house of the lord!!

#TRUTH

I REALLY

NEED 

TO GET MY 

HEAD STRAIGHT!!

I just can NOT even....

I have literally never felt so useless in my entire life, everything is literally falling apart around me! Honestly, my household appliances, my car, I fear, even thinking, let alone asking 

“WHAT ELSE?”

I feel like I am talking to deaf walls, things I say are not even remotely taken seriously, and I am going to scream the next time I hear “it will happen!” “it will all be ok…” O.K., cool, you let me know when ANY of this remotely troubles you just a fraction of how it is disturbing and affecting me!!  

"F" you social media!!

I am not afraid to admit it, I feel slighted, I feel left out and I feel like as if there is a whole other life being built without me – you say it’s simply without my body present, but both truth and reality, I am not there and you are starting new adventures, receiving well wishes, much deserved comments and posting more on social media than you have in the seven years I have known you – so, I won’t apologize for feeling like this has nothing to do with me at all.

By the time I get to your destination, the newness will have worn off, the well wishes will have stopped along with the thoughts that already exist of us being apart – it has and continues to be what “you” deserve and how brave others think you are and have been to make such a huge move, little do they know – and that is exactly it, they won’t know, ever the sacrifices I have made for us (in my eyes, and solely for you in your eyes).

I am very well aware of what you have at stake, the fact that you have to sit “in a box” without your family, you have a new job to do, acclimate to, and still, you think I should feel sorry for you, understand that you miss me when you have shown me nothing. I had to readjust my entire life, once again, to accommodate someone else, and got nothing in return (I hate that you made me think I was “owed” something) and triple-fold the responsibilities and most of which I have absolutely NO control over, literally, I am left in this house that is ALL yours, NOTHING about it is mine, yet I have full responsibility – tell me again how that is fair and I have not the slightest reason to feel as if I have been and will continue to be left out?! You have mentioned NOTHING about what I have offered and had to sacrifice nor the responsibilities that I now have…

The excitement I will have when and if I finally get to make the trip will have worn out their welcome in the eyes of your loyal followers and the tags, yeah, thanks, I like to see and hear from other people what you have posted and what you are talking about! Social Media, once again, the source of bad decisions and forever markers of what your life means to you and how others perceive you and how great are!!

You just don’t get it, you never will and the fact that I would have to bring it up to you – is proof enough that is doesn’t matter, it never will – you probably didn’t even notice I didn’t even attempt to make an effort this time. Me being overwhelmed wasn’t enough, the dynamics of this past week(s) weren’t even distantly close, it was all about you feeling like I was resenting you….that is just OUTSTANDING!

I went out of my way to make you feel like you took a little of me/us with you and extended a lot of surprises along the way, I am still looking for the slightest bit of anything that even resembles you missing me – 

February 23rd you say.....

I swear to you I picked up pen and paper, o.k., computer and thoughts and wrote just a few days ago!! LITERALLY where does the time go?
It has been quite uneventful if that helps explain the hiatus...10 months is a pretty lengthy time to have been absent {minded} and away from so much expression. 
I can guarantee that things are, have been in constant motion and I am convinced it is all for the best! Well, at least that is what my heart says at this very second, other than that, it is a daily struggle in regards to the "what's & why's" {insert confused face}.
I have always thought it..
I have always said it..
and now I will preach it..
GOD HAS A PLAN FOR US ALL and I think I may have figured out what his plan is for me/us. 
I promise to not keep you at bay for 10 months, so stay tuned for a HUGE announcement and buckle up for a journey of a lifetime 💛

I am THAT parent

I was that parent you may have come across today. I was the one walking in the parking lot with my 9 year old son who was attempting to, o.k., was throwing the hellatious fit because we were leaving before he was ready. He definitely lives by his own self-stirred time frame which most of the time has me questioning "is the fight even worth it?"
To me it is, how else will he learn boundaries or rules without setting guidelines? This is proving to be difficult with a child that has a touch of every single learning disability, sensory and cognitive issue, or so it seems. He may look normal to you but to me, he is special in more ways than one! He is not just a "bratty kid" trying to get his way, he is not doing this on purpose, it is who he is and I am trying the best I know how. Your stares seem as if they would be the same if he exhibited at least one physical affliction which really makes me question if he looked the part would people like you be more accepting of his demeanor?!
If you see me yelling, it's o.k., he is deaf and refuses to wear his hearing aides in public for fear of what people will think of him, oxymoron, I know, still a battle on non-school days that I do not even entertain. If you see him jumping out of his skin, or me pulling him back to me (usually with force) it is to get his attention as he almost walked into the path of a moving vehicle. If you think I am ignoring my name being called, repeatedly and assume I am flat out ignoring my child, please know I am not, I heard him the prior 10 times he called my name and I have already given my answer or explanation to him, it just isn't what his "tick" wants to hear. If you see someone talking to my child and his eyes are only fixated on me, this is by no means a scare tactic on my part, he is THAT unsure of himself in most social situations. 
The he best way to describe it is when we are out in public, he is aware we are out and may come in contact with several different people, but to him, especially when he gets in his "zone" it is just him and I. This makes the interaction between us not so personal anymore and opens us/me up to scrutiny in the way I converse with him, handle his fits, and deal with his outbursts.
I am not a bad parent, I am a parent who cares about her son, would do anything, including giving my own life for my son, just as any of you would! I have a son I chose to take out and expose to the world, and not in a freak show kind of way, a way that exposes him to life's lessons that will be more valuable to him as he slowly accepts them, albeit only on his terms. I am tired of the look I get as if you are waiting for an an apology from me or an explanation for his behavior, I don't owe that to anyone. 
So for now, please know I have and will always teach my son to be polite and respectful, it is to be given and when given it is earned, and understand that I will always be THAT parent you may see or run into when you are out in public! 

Be careful what you wish for....

I pray always for her to give me some sort of sign that I am fulfilling her wishes. I want to know I have made her proud in her eyes, I beg to know she is happy with the way he is being taken care of.

How ridiculous is this, I am yearning for something I will never get, setting myself up for one heartache after another. A confirmation that simply does not exist!

I am not giving up and have been accused of looking "way" to deep into things and that what I have seen/felt or experienced is nothing that could possibly be from the other side. I stand, write here, that I know for certain I recieved one of my signs this evening, so I guess that makes me guilty as charged❣

He came home from school in a great mood, professed his love for me and his daddy (totally unprovoked) within an hour of walking through the door. "I love tou mommy, I love you Daddy" ~ those words are truly heart melting. Nearing his bedtime he sticks close by, purring around each one of us as if he were a cat looking for a little extra attention-which of course he got!!  

He asked for his crayon pencil he got as a valentine from a friend at school and proceeded to write me a note (which he has actually done a few times just recently) and has let me know I can write him notes as well 😋 

He wrote; 

I THANKED him for the sweet note and I hugged him tight and asked him why he loved me/us SO much...he said as we were now being silly "you're a good family for me!" I lost it and had to hold him even tighter...

THAT, I know, was a sign from her to me saying "Thank You for caring for my son!"

Honestly ~

Do you take things personal?
ME: on most occasions, way too personal!

How would you describe yourself? 
ME; honest, loving, trusting, (too) stubborn, and insecure

Have you ever done something to fit into someone's life & not because they asked or wanted you to, rather you realized it was exactly what you needed to do because it is what they needed?
ME: I most certainly have!

How would you describe your life's story?
ME: I truly believe we tell pieces of our story each and every day, thus creating our own (living) legacy ~ I say make it a good one!

What words do you use to motivate those around you?
ME: do your best in everything you do - this way you have no regrets, only lesson(s) to learn

Are you a lover or a fighter?
ME: I would have to say that I am a "fighter." by no means am I indicating this in a physical way, rather a description of how each one of us prevail on a daily basis. fighting for what you believe in on every level makes you a better person, a better person who is able to love themselves in turn loving others!

How to you feel about change?
ME: it scares me to death, bottom line, no other words needed!

how honest can you be? is it because no one is "looking" or will see your responses?!
hmmmmm :-)

Rush Rush Rush

In this world where everything is so extremely rushed why do we find it acceptable to sit in a Starbucks drive-thru?! Swear the line is absurd with cars extended around the entire store as we pull in for our spot in line...

Curse the whole time at the barrage of cars in front of us, when did 8:30 a.m. become such a rushed hour, "don't you all have somewhere to be?" Like we ourselves don't?! We yell from the confines of our car, windows up and doors locked for the one ahead of us to hurry their order, seriously who the hell are we yelling at?! Questioning the entire wait if it would have been just as fast to go inside the store and place your order. 

I am convinced our society truly has the "hurry up and wait" mentality we have always been warned of. I feel compelled, almost on a daily basis to try and slow things down, at least on a personal level but feel as if I am constantly being confronted & challenged with the "how?"

I will ALWAYS take the time to smell the flowers and really appreciate the littlest of things I come across as I forge forward in my daily life ❤️

Plain & Simply put...

Tomorrow is never a guarantee❣

...made this up!!

Determination + Passion = Success

no matter how many times we must try❤️

~ Me, Myself & this "I" know

Lucky in LOVE

he notices the stars and tells me they are beautiful

he looks for shooting stars and he makes his wish(es)

he says he loves me roughly 20 times a day

he makes me laugh and he makes me cry
he gives me life, how I wish I could bottle that energy
he makes me want to be a better person
he tells me I am the "bestest cooker ever!"

he is definitely a "mamas boy!"

he has a disability he is very well aware of and an afffliction he has no clue he has

he tells me "you always wanted a boy like me huh mom?"
he tells me HE is lucky because I buy him games and buy him cool clothes

I question still who the lucky one REALLY is!! 

my soul is tired...

...it may look like the journey has come to an end, that is SO not the case! 2 and 1/2 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, or 2 days, honestly it all runs together, I have no idea where that past 9 years have gone, I can literally replay almost every single second, yet I can't seem to recall where my car keys are on a daily basis.

...as you can tell it's been a huge sacrifice and one that I forcefully and willingly chose, and more often lately I am reminded just how much of a whim it was made on. It doesn't change the path of the journey or even the decision, it doesn't make it less stressful, and it surely doesn't make it more bearable, it just seems to remain stuck in this manageable mode!

Do I feel bad saying that? Not a chance (it may have taken me nearly 3 years to say that aloud) but still, it is the truth and sometimes as much as it hurts to admit the truth, it is also part of the healing needed for the soul, the heart and the daily grind that goes along with all the "stuff!"

I am confident and have embraced this as a (very long) process, it is real life and shenanigans do happen. Obstacles do come up, hurdles block you or just simply block and trip you up and since I am not a sprinter and have -0- upper body strength, they trip me a little more often, but that is ok, my knees are prone now-a-days.
I think I have been eternally praying for 9 years straight now and on most days (sad to say) convinced no one is listening, no one understands, and no one is willing to truly walk beside me. It is easier to feel bad, feel sorry, or worse yet, just avoid the whole situation all together. If that makes you feel better, then I can't fault you for that, I, on the other hand have to keep that swivel oiled as I have many faces I show each day and to those who know me, know that my soul is tired, it is exhausted, and simply run down!

Happy New Year

I think that this should be my motto for this new year, 2016! 

I mean, really you can't give nothing if there is nothing to give.. .. ..

You must love yourself before you can love others.. .. ..  

Plain & Simple 

The Box and the Bio-Bag

The pain we hold onto when our loved ones pass it incredible, and I am not just talking about the "hurt" itself, I am talking about our presence in the living world! I know I have written my fears and my anxieties in the past and just when you think you get over them, (which I am convinced is not humanly possible) think you can finally live or deal with them, one comes out of nowhere and reminds you that this pain IS real and it is going nowhere anytime soon.

I was given a box of her treasures for her son shortly after her death, I went through it briefly and put it away, I didn't need to relive those memories at that very moment. I have slowly gone through the box a few times over the last 8 years, I have even added a few things as well as throwing a few things away (food items that were NOT going to last until her son was of age to understand what this was all about)..there was a heart shaped tin, of course that was adorned with Tony Stewart's face (as was most of her treasures as she was the ultimate fan) that keeps being moved around the box but never opened, god help me if there is actually any food items in it :/

My mom has been doing some major cleaning and feels that I need every single Christmas and Holiday ornament she has accumulated over the last, say 50 years along with her extensive collection of decorations, yeah me (insert sarcasm)! I guess she had a box of her stuff she wasn't ready to part with 8 years ago, which was absolutely understandable when you lose a child, this would equate to giving every last memory away and truly accepting she is gone and NOT coming back, I get it but still can NOT fathom it, especially being a mother myself.
I reluctantly took the box into my possession and set it on a shelf in the garage, I was actually more curious this time to see what they contents were. I was convinced I had all the treasures I needed to ensure her son knew who she was and what her likes and dislikes were throughout her short life! I was surprised at the emotions this box would truly reveal; the guest book from her funeral, the cards that were signed and sent on flowers that adorned her casket, sentimental pictures that were framed to celebrate her life, cards and poems that were written by her and others that were read at her service, and the one thing that absolutely took my breath away, took me to the moment I was forced away from her bedside when she had taken her last breath of life, a Bio-Bag, still sealed that held her ring that had been cut off just hours before she passed away!
WoW - I was NOT ready for that one, 8 years later and I can still say that it hurts the same as it did that first day/night I spent in the hospital by her side!

I am just not sure what to do with these keepsakes, I mean, does a little boy who had no real attachment to a mother who gave birth to him really want the ring that had to be cut off her finger, cards that people signed who mourned her death and pictures taken that celebrated her life, I mean won't my recollections and memories be good enough for him?!
I just don't know what to do with all this stuff in the "box" if I throw it out, I feel like I am throwing her away and any possible item that was last touched by her, throwing away any possibility of remembering a certain place or time that I had shared with her...
Maybe I should just wrap my heart in the "bio-bag" and pack it away for safe keeping!!

Will today be the day ? ?

W H Y do taboo's only seem to impact the bad? I mean really, if someone says, or you even think to yourself, "Can ANYthing else go wrong today?! and all be damned if it does and in epic ways..

W H Y do taboo's not work when I think to myself "I wish I would win the lottery?" 

RIGHT..

Have you ever been so upset that all you can do is laugh, and laugh so hard you cry, then feel bad for crying because you know there is someone having a worser day than you, then you think is that EVEN possible ?! ?! ?! 

YEAH, that is today, scratch that, the last 24 hours to be exact! I know there is a lack of sleep issue, an over-worked and stressed factor, but seriously, can I catch a friggin' break ?! ?! 

I fear if something doesn't give ~ today will be the day, I SNAP! Hide your children, don't make eye contact and for god's sake, hide all the CHOCOLATE.....

Deuces

Who KNEW ...

... that TODAY would be the day I can cross off one of my (secret) Bucket List items?! 
I am not in any way implying that we need to set a 'list' of things we would love to accomplish before we leave this earth, because by mere chance, if there are items on that list that are not crossed off then one may be left to feel like they have failed and not lived a very productive or full life~
I'd like to think a Bucket List is a visual goal that allows you to keep perspective of what is important to you; places, people, {secret} desires, fears and more can be conquered at ones own discretion!
Today is a very far stretch for me, I have a TON of excitement and a TON more anxiety just thinking of the possibilities~the smallest of chances that I may get the message I have been longing for for, grieving for, for over 7 years. One I know I may never get, even if it is on a one on one basis, who knows but who am I to deny myself the very opportunity?! 

TODAY is a great day and TODAY I get to cross a line off my 'list' WHO KNEW .. .. ..      

What's Up ?!

.. nothing much .. I heard a song last night, well I actually heard it early that day as well while I had the boys at the park, I was taking a few minutes to reflect (within myself), it has quickly become one of my fav's .. for no certain reason other than the meaning is so broad it can apply to almost anything that may be happening in your life on any given day .. "Say Something" by this Great Big World ~ it has a hint of solitude, sadness, regret, loss and perhaps envy!
Intrigued I looked up the meaning behind the lyrics and found a plethora of definitions and came up with my own; (finally the whole purpose for the entry today) "apathy for nothing and sympathy for everything" isn't that awesome?!

I mean it explains it all, Plain and Simple!!

I have always considered myself an optimistic person, yet sometimes I have been convinced the glass is always half empty..I saw this today and it made me reflect on a comment David made just the other day!

He was heading outside to play and asked if he could have something to drink and take it outside, I had a half empty, excuse me, half full bottle of water that I gave him to take with him, as he took it, looked at it and then turned to me and said "mom, this is almost half gone!" I had a rush of the mouth that wanted to lash back and tell him that his glass will ALWAYS be half full and never look at it to be half empty or gone..

"the wisest of (wo)men should heed their own advice" right?!  Have a great day and enjoy a little reflection!