It was nice to be settled back in at home and things running smoothly. I was back to work and my oldest daughter was preparing for her high school graduation in a couple of months. She has been coming around more often, not 'staying' with us but coming and "hanging out" as they liked to put it, I will take what I can at this point, I feel like my 'force' is out of line due to all the circumstances.
I was still there mother yet I felt more like a friend, a friend who was helping them through a rough time as they were me. I definitely needed them but I'm not so sure that they needed me, this I struggled with for the past few months. I've had a lot of time lately to think about things, think about decisions that have been made, think about things I may have been able to control and think about things that I had no control over what-so-ever! I like to think I have things under control but in all reality I/this was {still} a train wreck.
I was still taking David to see his father, I would have to text him to make sure he was available before I loaded him up and took the drive. I got early on, from all I had heard and what little I had experienced thus far that I need to be diligent with my information and what I send out and definitely what is received. THIS is where my type 'A' personality comes in, see it IS proving to be a good thing, I KNEW it! :)
The visits were just under an hour and I made sure I was there about feeding time so he could have some bonding time with David, he seemed to be appreciative and the house was always in order when we arrived. I didn't feel uncomfortable per-say, I felt more out of place, out of my eliminate and not like I was above his living style or his choices, it was simply because I had NO prior experience with him. I was safe in the fact I knew he would not hurt me or the baby as I think that was my dad's main concern so I was very much in the habit of letting them know when I came down for a visit and the times I would be at his house. This eased their minds and gave me a peace about mine!
My folks had been talking about a trip to Las Vegas to see my grandmother and aunt, they had been wanting to meet David. My aunt was down for the funeral but my grandmother was not able to make the trip nearly 6 months ago now. We were planning a 3 day turn around trip, driving no less, this was going to be fun, not! The girl's would not be going as they had school and work, my youngest will stay with her dad & sister while I was gone. I was not used to doing things without my girls, they went everywhere with us from birth, I was feeling very disconnected from them.
6.09.2012
6.08.2012
there is a god
To my surprise {again} the sun rose and it was going to be a good day I had already decided.
David woke up in a great mood and was hungry, this was always a good sign. The nurses came in for morning rounds and had orders to take out his I.V., I was able to bathe and dress him up cute, we were FREE, we were going home today, YIPPEE!!
I called my folks as well as my girls and told them the good news. My folks came down and waited with us as we sat and sat and sat waiting for the dr to come in for a final check up, the girls would be waiting at home for me and said they would have dinner ready as well..sigh of relief, I was in need a little breaky poo.
It was almost 1 p.m. when the dr came in to see us, WHY WHY was it always this late when your ready to be OUT and not the 6 a.m. rounds when you want to sleep? none-the-less, we were going home, so was I grateful, YES, thank you!
We got a good bill of health for Mr David and a follow up appointment with the infectious disease dr in 2 weeks, not for good, just for now then we can most likely assume the monthly check-ups for the next 2 or so months I think when the regimen ends, as long as David stays on track. We thanked him for ALL he has done for us and the care he has shown with David and our situation, we packed our bags and David got the famous "BIG RED WAGON" ride down to the car. It was funny, all we past thought it was a wagon full of the bags and balloons and missed seeing this little peanut of barely 15 pounds and 5 months old laying there also, couldn't miss the big ole' brown eyes though if they wanted too!
I was glad when I arrived home, it had been 3 days too long to be away and the girls were very excited to see David awake, alert and greeting them with a HUGE smile! They had dinner ready when I got home as promised, it was SO nice to sit with them at the table and have a normal conversation and some well needed laughs. I cleaned the kitchen as they tended to David then I went upstairs to take a shower and unpack my hospital bag and that moment decided I would keep one packed "just in case" because if I did this my reasoning was I would NEVER need it again, right??
The shower felt so good, I swear I stayed in for almost 30 minutes and YES, I had to shed a tear or two, they seemed to flow in unison with the water, it was hard to stop them, it was like I was on auto pilot it was truly {still} my safe haven.
I had a ton of laundry to do so I started a load or two before we all went to bed for the night, my oldest would be staying with me and this made my heart full as I drifted off to sleep this night with NO issues at all.
I placed David's bassinet in the girls room, they wanted him in there with them tonight, he had woken up once during the night for his feeding, I jumped up as I heard a whimper and then nothing else. My daughter had grabbed him up and placed him in bed with her, I was worried she would roll over on his tiny little body but she assured me she would put him back in his bed when she was done feeding him. I went to get the bottle ready and left her to the feeding duties and went back to bed myself.
I had a harder time falling back asleep but just because I was deep in thought of what was going to happen in the future, what was this all happening for, what was I supposed to be taking from all this, how was my future going to play out with this little boy, what will the relationship be like with his father and he??
I MUST get some more rest, I'm thinking in circles at this point and it is SO not making sense. Good Night world and Good Night sis, I love and miss you terribly!!
David woke up in a great mood and was hungry, this was always a good sign. The nurses came in for morning rounds and had orders to take out his I.V., I was able to bathe and dress him up cute, we were FREE, we were going home today, YIPPEE!!
I called my folks as well as my girls and told them the good news. My folks came down and waited with us as we sat and sat and sat waiting for the dr to come in for a final check up, the girls would be waiting at home for me and said they would have dinner ready as well..sigh of relief, I was in need a little breaky poo.
It was almost 1 p.m. when the dr came in to see us, WHY WHY was it always this late when your ready to be OUT and not the 6 a.m. rounds when you want to sleep? none-the-less, we were going home, so was I grateful, YES, thank you!
We got a good bill of health for Mr David and a follow up appointment with the infectious disease dr in 2 weeks, not for good, just for now then we can most likely assume the monthly check-ups for the next 2 or so months I think when the regimen ends, as long as David stays on track. We thanked him for ALL he has done for us and the care he has shown with David and our situation, we packed our bags and David got the famous "BIG RED WAGON" ride down to the car. It was funny, all we past thought it was a wagon full of the bags and balloons and missed seeing this little peanut of barely 15 pounds and 5 months old laying there also, couldn't miss the big ole' brown eyes though if they wanted too!
I was glad when I arrived home, it had been 3 days too long to be away and the girls were very excited to see David awake, alert and greeting them with a HUGE smile! They had dinner ready when I got home as promised, it was SO nice to sit with them at the table and have a normal conversation and some well needed laughs. I cleaned the kitchen as they tended to David then I went upstairs to take a shower and unpack my hospital bag and that moment decided I would keep one packed "just in case" because if I did this my reasoning was I would NEVER need it again, right??
The shower felt so good, I swear I stayed in for almost 30 minutes and YES, I had to shed a tear or two, they seemed to flow in unison with the water, it was hard to stop them, it was like I was on auto pilot it was truly {still} my safe haven.
I had a ton of laundry to do so I started a load or two before we all went to bed for the night, my oldest would be staying with me and this made my heart full as I drifted off to sleep this night with NO issues at all.
I placed David's bassinet in the girls room, they wanted him in there with them tonight, he had woken up once during the night for his feeding, I jumped up as I heard a whimper and then nothing else. My daughter had grabbed him up and placed him in bed with her, I was worried she would roll over on his tiny little body but she assured me she would put him back in his bed when she was done feeding him. I went to get the bottle ready and left her to the feeding duties and went back to bed myself.
I had a harder time falling back asleep but just because I was deep in thought of what was going to happen in the future, what was this all happening for, what was I supposed to be taking from all this, how was my future going to play out with this little boy, what will the relationship be like with his father and he??
I MUST get some more rest, I'm thinking in circles at this point and it is SO not making sense. Good Night world and Good Night sis, I love and miss you terribly!!
6.05.2012
and the results are...
I slept well & David only woke one other time and just for normal check in purposes, the nurses did not bother us too terribly much this night either, I could get used to this, well, not REALLY, I missed my own bed something terrible!
The dr came in fairly early and said he had the results, he sat beside me on the couch and opened the chart. I couldn't help feeling totally vulnerable at this very second, it was a feeling I could not control and one that made me want to run, run fast and far...
He proceeded to look over all the notes and said to me "I'm very pleased with the results, I'm sorry for scaring you, but these were all classic signs of body failure to this antibiotic and I could not take a chance that this was not for real" I looked puzzled "then why is/did he get this sick?" he said "it is his little body growing into his own, if you will, he was premature and still had some growing to do" he continued "now if these defects were going to appear on their own or if this medication helped them along, I don't know, I don't think we will ever know"..."his little organs are just fine and functioning within a normal range, his blood work is perfect and still no signs/traces of valley fever, so the antibiotic is doing what it is supposed to be doing!" I took a deep breath, "his heart?" he said that the heart specialist team would be in later this morning but from what he saw it was also just a normal heart mur-mur. I thanked him again for being pro-active and that I forgave him for scaring me to death! We had a good laugh and he left the room, he had to finish his morning rounds, he said he would check in on us tonight and that we should be able to go home tomorrow as long as the heart doctor agreed.
It was nearly lunch time by the time the heart team came in, David had woken up, I fed and changed him and he was actually laying quietly in his bed about asleep when they came in. The doctor examined David while the team read me the results. They said he was fine, his heart was functioning within the normal level and this heart mur-mur was in normal ranges. They let me listen to it, it was weird to hear it off beat but they assured me it was just fine, his EKG had normal results and that they would like to re-test him in a year but there should be no need for any other tests or surgeries. I asked if he would be able to do all the things normal kids would do and they assured me he was just fine and could do anything an everything he wanted to, HUGE relief!! I thanked them as well for all their attention and concern and then they were gone.
I took a few seconds to sit and stare out the window, since I could not leave the room, I don't really remember my {exact} thoughts but I was NOT in the room and what seemed to be a few minutes turned into almost an hour. My folks had come by an startled me, David was fast asleep in his prison crib and I was shocked at what time had actually gone by. I filled my folks in on the results, they were pleased and relieved at such great news, it was about time we all agreed!
My folks stayed in the room while I took a walk to the cafeteria and left shortly after I returned. I called my girl's to fill them in as well as my sister. I ended the evening with a prayer that we would be going home tomorrow. Sweet Dreams my little angel!!
The dr came in fairly early and said he had the results, he sat beside me on the couch and opened the chart. I couldn't help feeling totally vulnerable at this very second, it was a feeling I could not control and one that made me want to run, run fast and far...
He proceeded to look over all the notes and said to me "I'm very pleased with the results, I'm sorry for scaring you, but these were all classic signs of body failure to this antibiotic and I could not take a chance that this was not for real" I looked puzzled "then why is/did he get this sick?" he said "it is his little body growing into his own, if you will, he was premature and still had some growing to do" he continued "now if these defects were going to appear on their own or if this medication helped them along, I don't know, I don't think we will ever know"..."his little organs are just fine and functioning within a normal range, his blood work is perfect and still no signs/traces of valley fever, so the antibiotic is doing what it is supposed to be doing!" I took a deep breath, "his heart?" he said that the heart specialist team would be in later this morning but from what he saw it was also just a normal heart mur-mur. I thanked him again for being pro-active and that I forgave him for scaring me to death! We had a good laugh and he left the room, he had to finish his morning rounds, he said he would check in on us tonight and that we should be able to go home tomorrow as long as the heart doctor agreed.
It was nearly lunch time by the time the heart team came in, David had woken up, I fed and changed him and he was actually laying quietly in his bed about asleep when they came in. The doctor examined David while the team read me the results. They said he was fine, his heart was functioning within the normal level and this heart mur-mur was in normal ranges. They let me listen to it, it was weird to hear it off beat but they assured me it was just fine, his EKG had normal results and that they would like to re-test him in a year but there should be no need for any other tests or surgeries. I asked if he would be able to do all the things normal kids would do and they assured me he was just fine and could do anything an everything he wanted to, HUGE relief!! I thanked them as well for all their attention and concern and then they were gone.
I took a few seconds to sit and stare out the window, since I could not leave the room, I don't really remember my {exact} thoughts but I was NOT in the room and what seemed to be a few minutes turned into almost an hour. My folks had come by an startled me, David was fast asleep in his prison crib and I was shocked at what time had actually gone by. I filled my folks in on the results, they were pleased and relieved at such great news, it was about time we all agreed!
My folks stayed in the room while I took a walk to the cafeteria and left shortly after I returned. I called my girl's to fill them in as well as my sister. I ended the evening with a prayer that we would be going home tomorrow. Sweet Dreams my little angel!!
6.04.2012
testing 1..2..
I actually slept pretty good, David only woke up once for a feeding, our nurse came in and finished for me, changed him and then snuck back out of the room. I was surprised when breakfast was brought in for me, I had declined the menu last night, our nurse had taken the liberty of ordering for me. David was fussing and hungry but he could not eat anything this morning, he had to wait until after his series of tests this morning, it was gunna be a hard day at best. David would be in and out of the room and I would not be able to go with him and there would be dr's in and out all day, god give me the strength!
I hadn't touched my food by the time they came for the tray, I let them take it, I was rocking David, I almost felt as if today was going to be the day when they told me I was going to lose him, that something was wrong and I had only a limited amount of time with him, I wanted to hold him till the last minute. Our dr came in fairly early, he wanted to get started and he knew just how anxious we were as I sensed he was as well. David would be going for EKG's this morning then a CT Scan after that, the dr offered me to go but said there would also be little room in the testing area and they would get him in and out and back in my arms as soon as possible. I agreed to stay behind, I would shower and clean up the room a little and be right here when they returned, he half hugged and patted my shoulder and off he went and in came the "team" of specialist's who wheeled David away in his prison crib, I cried when the door shut and had to get in the shower in fear someone would hear me.
My folks had called the room as well as my girl's, I told them he was gone and would not return for close to an hour, they would come down in the afternoon and the girl's when they were done with school and work. I checked in with the nurses station and made sure they were still testing and took a walk to the cafeteria to get some coffee and a small snack, I was hungry now and fighting a bad headache. I was able to sit outside for 15 minutes or so just for some fresh air then made my way back up to the room and as I rounded the corner I saw them at the nurses station checking him back into his room. I was SO happy to see him, he was alseep and mildly sedated due to the heart tests they had preformed. They got him all hooked back up to his monitors and I.V. pole and as quick as they came in, they were gone and it was again just him and I. They said I could feed him when he woke up if he wanted a bottle, I left him in the crib so he could rest and made some phone calls to assure my folks, girls, sister and his father he was back in the room and resting for now and I would have more information on the tests either tonight or tomorrow morning when the dr did his rounds, I was hoping for something tonight, as I knew they had a priority on all the results coming back.
David woke up at the same time my folks came by, my mom was wanting to hold and feed him, as anxious as I was I agreed, besides, I would have him all night. David's father had also mentioned he was going to come down before he went to work and I prayed it was not when my folks were here, my dad had made it known he was not happy I called him each time we had been admitted, I let him rant and knew I was doing the right thing and for the right reasons. It was late afternoon by now and my folks were ready to leave when David's father showed up, my dad made a very quick exit, my mom said a few kind words as she left.
He stayed for almost 30 minutes and actually wanted to hold David, he had 'hinted' to the fact he would like to be alone and maybe I leave the room for a little bit, I told him I felt uncomfortable leaving as he had a lot of tests today and I would rather be able to watch him in case something happened, it wasn't entirely a "fib" but he bought it and was at least happy to be able to hold him.
My girl's were on there way, the room had been busy all afternoon and part of the {early} night, I was emotionally exhausted and was looking forward to a quiet night with my girls. David woke up for one more feeding before the girls left so they were excited to feed and hold him, my oldest rocked him back to sleep and this made my heart very happy! I missed them so much and felt like I was missing more and more of their day-to-day life as they became {amazing} young ladies.
They stayed for over 2 hours then they left as they had work and school the next day. I called work and had a long, tearful talk with my close friend, now supervisor and broke down, I think it was a good release of anxiety, worry, fright and tension. I had NO trouble at all falling asleep tonight.
I hadn't touched my food by the time they came for the tray, I let them take it, I was rocking David, I almost felt as if today was going to be the day when they told me I was going to lose him, that something was wrong and I had only a limited amount of time with him, I wanted to hold him till the last minute. Our dr came in fairly early, he wanted to get started and he knew just how anxious we were as I sensed he was as well. David would be going for EKG's this morning then a CT Scan after that, the dr offered me to go but said there would also be little room in the testing area and they would get him in and out and back in my arms as soon as possible. I agreed to stay behind, I would shower and clean up the room a little and be right here when they returned, he half hugged and patted my shoulder and off he went and in came the "team" of specialist's who wheeled David away in his prison crib, I cried when the door shut and had to get in the shower in fear someone would hear me.
My folks had called the room as well as my girl's, I told them he was gone and would not return for close to an hour, they would come down in the afternoon and the girl's when they were done with school and work. I checked in with the nurses station and made sure they were still testing and took a walk to the cafeteria to get some coffee and a small snack, I was hungry now and fighting a bad headache. I was able to sit outside for 15 minutes or so just for some fresh air then made my way back up to the room and as I rounded the corner I saw them at the nurses station checking him back into his room. I was SO happy to see him, he was alseep and mildly sedated due to the heart tests they had preformed. They got him all hooked back up to his monitors and I.V. pole and as quick as they came in, they were gone and it was again just him and I. They said I could feed him when he woke up if he wanted a bottle, I left him in the crib so he could rest and made some phone calls to assure my folks, girls, sister and his father he was back in the room and resting for now and I would have more information on the tests either tonight or tomorrow morning when the dr did his rounds, I was hoping for something tonight, as I knew they had a priority on all the results coming back.
David woke up at the same time my folks came by, my mom was wanting to hold and feed him, as anxious as I was I agreed, besides, I would have him all night. David's father had also mentioned he was going to come down before he went to work and I prayed it was not when my folks were here, my dad had made it known he was not happy I called him each time we had been admitted, I let him rant and knew I was doing the right thing and for the right reasons. It was late afternoon by now and my folks were ready to leave when David's father showed up, my dad made a very quick exit, my mom said a few kind words as she left.
He stayed for almost 30 minutes and actually wanted to hold David, he had 'hinted' to the fact he would like to be alone and maybe I leave the room for a little bit, I told him I felt uncomfortable leaving as he had a lot of tests today and I would rather be able to watch him in case something happened, it wasn't entirely a "fib" but he bought it and was at least happy to be able to hold him.
My girl's were on there way, the room had been busy all afternoon and part of the {early} night, I was emotionally exhausted and was looking forward to a quiet night with my girls. David woke up for one more feeding before the girls left so they were excited to feed and hold him, my oldest rocked him back to sleep and this made my heart very happy! I missed them so much and felt like I was missing more and more of their day-to-day life as they became {amazing} young ladies.
They stayed for over 2 hours then they left as they had work and school the next day. I called work and had a long, tearful talk with my close friend, now supervisor and broke down, I think it was a good release of anxiety, worry, fright and tension. I had NO trouble at all falling asleep tonight.
6.01.2012
what if
In all honesty I don't know how I made it to the room we had waiting for us, but I was there and it was very surreal, it felt like I was just here, not in the same room but here, admitted and confined to a hospital room with this god awful prison looking crib thing and a green so not comfortable couch. I was greeted by the floor nurses, they were awaiting our arrival per the doctors phone call/orders, they got us settled into the room and did not mess with David too much, they said the doctor had ordered a spinal tap and they would be prepping him for that within the hour. I was in a tail spin at this point, just when my parents got to the room I realized I had to call my daughters, my sister and his father to let them know what was going on, I screamed in my head could I have just ONE second to breath please?!?!?
My daughters were as shocked as I was, my sister was in disbelief and his father I had to leave a message for, there, notified, done, I didn't care...I had to also place a call to work as I was scheduled to be in tonight and, well, I would not be there most likely for the rest of my week.
The room was quiet and David slept like there was nothing wrong in the world, even missed his afternoon bottle which I was worried about, but the nurses said they would start fluid I.V. when the `tap` was completed. My folks and I spoke hardly 2 words to one another, there was nothing to say, we just waited and silence and prayed for the best. The nurse came in and bundled him up tight and took him to another room where they would preform the spinal tap, they did not give me the option of going along and after the first one I was o.k. with not being present for this one...sigh
My dad had to leave the room and my mom sat with me until they returned with him, it was about 30 minutes from the time they had taken him and returned him to my arms, seemed like eternity! My mom then went outside to meet up with my dad, neither one of them returned for sometime, I actually thought they had left the hospital all together. David was more than awake now and he was not to happy with all this excitement, he was now hungry and the nurse said due to the amount of tests they had scheduled they would only be able to feed him via I.V. for the next 24 hours at least. They were able to find a good vein in his wrist this time, so that was a relief.
It was nearly dinner time and my girl's had shown up at the hospital, my oldest would sit in the room with him while I took my youngest down to eat and meet up with folks to let them know we were settled in for the night, I was very unprepared so the girls at least brought me night clothes, I would hopefully be able to make a quick trip home tomorrow sometime for a bag.
Everyone had left and I was spent! I was holding David in the rocking chair when our night nurse came in, she had seen us on our first admission and had remembered us, remembered David. She came over and knelt down next to me and asked if I needed anything, I told her "no, I was fine" she said "I read his chart and I am so sorry", I started to cry, she patted my leg and said "I'm so sorry for your loss, I've been thinking about it since I first met you a few months back" she started to cry and told me "I lost my sister 13 years ago and it still hurts just as bad today!" I looked at her and said "I don't want to hurt like this for 13 more years, this is more than I even thought was possible for one human being to endure" she said "I know honey, I know".. we sat and cried together for almost 15 minutes when I decided to put David in his crib and wash up and get ready for bed. She told me, if you need ANYthing tonight please let me help, I will leave you be for the night, tomorrow is a big day, David will been seen by several doctors and have more tests, please get some rest and as she turned to leave the room I choked up and asked her "what if I lose him too?" She said "this seems routine and I'm sure he will be fine, he is a little fighter and he has a good life ahead of him!"
My daughters were as shocked as I was, my sister was in disbelief and his father I had to leave a message for, there, notified, done, I didn't care...I had to also place a call to work as I was scheduled to be in tonight and, well, I would not be there most likely for the rest of my week.
The room was quiet and David slept like there was nothing wrong in the world, even missed his afternoon bottle which I was worried about, but the nurses said they would start fluid I.V. when the `tap` was completed. My folks and I spoke hardly 2 words to one another, there was nothing to say, we just waited and silence and prayed for the best. The nurse came in and bundled him up tight and took him to another room where they would preform the spinal tap, they did not give me the option of going along and after the first one I was o.k. with not being present for this one...sigh
My dad had to leave the room and my mom sat with me until they returned with him, it was about 30 minutes from the time they had taken him and returned him to my arms, seemed like eternity! My mom then went outside to meet up with my dad, neither one of them returned for sometime, I actually thought they had left the hospital all together. David was more than awake now and he was not to happy with all this excitement, he was now hungry and the nurse said due to the amount of tests they had scheduled they would only be able to feed him via I.V. for the next 24 hours at least. They were able to find a good vein in his wrist this time, so that was a relief.
It was nearly dinner time and my girl's had shown up at the hospital, my oldest would sit in the room with him while I took my youngest down to eat and meet up with folks to let them know we were settled in for the night, I was very unprepared so the girls at least brought me night clothes, I would hopefully be able to make a quick trip home tomorrow sometime for a bag.
Everyone had left and I was spent! I was holding David in the rocking chair when our night nurse came in, she had seen us on our first admission and had remembered us, remembered David. She came over and knelt down next to me and asked if I needed anything, I told her "no, I was fine" she said "I read his chart and I am so sorry", I started to cry, she patted my leg and said "I'm so sorry for your loss, I've been thinking about it since I first met you a few months back" she started to cry and told me "I lost my sister 13 years ago and it still hurts just as bad today!" I looked at her and said "I don't want to hurt like this for 13 more years, this is more than I even thought was possible for one human being to endure" she said "I know honey, I know".. we sat and cried together for almost 15 minutes when I decided to put David in his crib and wash up and get ready for bed. She told me, if you need ANYthing tonight please let me help, I will leave you be for the night, tomorrow is a big day, David will been seen by several doctors and have more tests, please get some rest and as she turned to leave the room I choked up and asked her "what if I lose him too?" She said "this seems routine and I'm sure he will be fine, he is a little fighter and he has a good life ahead of him!"
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