I was too busy to grieve, I didn't need to, I knew she was dead and had accepted it, I had a job to do, several jobs to do for that fact and I was the only one doing them, the only capable one, NO, but the only willing one. How true is this? How fair is this? Can one really count or call "fair" with a tragedy such as this?
I had obviously forgotten how time consuming it was to have a newborn, how it slowed EVERYthing you did down to a snail's pace, it was hard to shower, cook, clean or even poop for goodness sakes. Most of my time spent relaxing on the couch was with an added 10 lbs to my chest and often a little drool spot or two as an added bonus.
David's health was doing good, he was such a good boy when he had to take his daily antibiotic and seemed to settling into a good routine which was working for our schedules. Work was work, there was not a lot of working overtime for me now a days although I needed the extra money I just simple didn't have the extra time. We made due with what we had and carried the attitude that things "always" work out, my daughter would say, "how do you know mom" I would tell her, "I can't explain it, they just do!"
I checked in with my folks daily if not more. My mom was about the same which means she is still somber, cries daily, doesn't eat and barely dresses herself. My dad was quieter, he was out in his shop a lot and would just always appease me and say "I'm fine" just worry about your mom. I know they were both worried about me and the girl's and they would always ask about David and want to know how he was doing. I talked to my sister at least twice a week and was planning on making a trip up to her house to spend a few days with them, she could bond with David and I could get some extra help and a little fresh air away from the daily everyday. It was a nice drive, the scenery heavenly and the mountains were serene. I liked being up there, it made me feel at peace.
Today was our appointment at the hospital with the infectious disease doctor, it would be a routine check-up, one of many to follow.
We were greeted by the receptionist and sent back, the doctor met me in the hallway and joined us in the room. He always smiled when he saw David wrapped up so tiny in his carrier, he always joked that it looked like a doll because he was so small. He laid him on the table and examined him from head to toe, he wanted to know a little more history, well, he wanted to hear from me what had happened since the first meeting we had was when he was admitted and we didn't have a chance to talk face to face. I held him close and began the story, I of course cried and so did the doctor, I was impressed sadly enough. He was very very in tune with what had happened and this made me feel so much more at ease and knew that everything from this point on would be just fine with this little guy.
The doctor spent more than an hour with me and gave me his cell# as I left the office, he wanted me to be aware of the seriousness of this illness and medication. I thanked him for his time and concern and we left the office.
5.15.2012
5.13.2012
tests & paperwork & interviews
We had our mediation appointments coming up later in the week, I made the DNA test/appointment on the same day so I would not be travelling back and forth daily, although it was only a 25 minute drive north, all my seconds were counted, I had to squeeze as many of them in at once that I could.
I had already made an appointment with a new pediatrician and had our last appointment scheduled with the Medi-Cal doctor but would have to make two separate trips into town for these.
I was really missing my oldest daughter and talked to her almost daily. I really wanted to sit down and talk to her about what had happened, leaving in hast and just backing out, giving up when I was counting on her. The time would come, this I was certain as much as I wanted it to happen NOW! I was a tad bit OCD, I was a if it is going to happen, it needs to happen now, I had a bit of a reckless nature, I didn't care what the outcome was, I was going to do it if I wanted to. I blamed getting married right out of high school & having children, 2 before I was 21 years old, I didn't get a chance to 'live' life if you will.
I had some new found freedom and I wanted/needed to truly find ME, what was I REALLY about, what kind of person was I?
David's day/appointment came to complete the DNA test, I headed down and met my mom at Child Services, we past David's father in the hall as he was completing portion of the test. He stopped and touched the baby and then he left, it was a little unnerving but nothing that didn't pass quickly. We sat in the room for sometime before the aide came in and explained what they would be doing, it was a simple 'swab' test inside the cheek and then we were free to go. I could not start any additional paperwork of course, until the results were back, but we all KNEW he was the father, this was a technicality at this point. I went to drop David off at my girlfriend's house, she was so gracious as to keep him {again} while we had our meeting with mediator, my folks were first then I had my turn alone. This would be the report that would make or break our case in court for our guardianship.
When I was done with my portion of the interview, the social worker turned of the recorder and said I need to talk to you for a minute if that is o.k. with you, I said of course, the interview had been very emotional, even more so than I had anticipated.
She had a look of concern on her face, it scared me, my heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to throw up. She looked at me and said "I'm listing you as the voice of reason" in my report, it is obvious the hatred your father has for the this babies father and that just has to be contained while you are in front of a judge, your mother is extremely emotional, which will not affect the judge per-say but her words can not be counted if it comes down to her word and his." I shook my head and said "I know, I know what I have to do, I just have doubts in being able to do it alone." She told me, "you have a straight head on your shoulders, you have your wits about you and all that needs to be done in this situation, for this family" she paused and all I could think was DO I HAVE MY WITS ABOUT ME because lately I feel like I'm losing my god damn mind over all this stuff!
We finished our conversation, I thanked her for her kind words and encouragement and I left her office. We would have her report within 2 weeks, in time for our next court appearance/hearing where the judge would hear both sides and either grant or deny the guardianship.
I left the office as my folks were about to leave, you could tell the interview had taken it's toll on them both, I kissed and hugged them and went to get David then headed back home. It was full day, an emotional day and I wanted to just go back home.
I got home in time to pick up my daughter from the school farm and we went home and had a nice relaxing evening. Bedtime was hard for me, I cried, I cried and I cried, I had to get out of bed and go to the downstatirs bathroom and gain myself so I would not wake up the kids, I guess today took more of a toll than I was thinking it had, I knew there were some built up emmotions still in me, I worried, were they just going to keep coming out like this, when my day has ended and it was time for me to relax and have one single {good/positive} thought without a tear??
I had already made an appointment with a new pediatrician and had our last appointment scheduled with the Medi-Cal doctor but would have to make two separate trips into town for these.
I was really missing my oldest daughter and talked to her almost daily. I really wanted to sit down and talk to her about what had happened, leaving in hast and just backing out, giving up when I was counting on her. The time would come, this I was certain as much as I wanted it to happen NOW! I was a tad bit OCD, I was a if it is going to happen, it needs to happen now, I had a bit of a reckless nature, I didn't care what the outcome was, I was going to do it if I wanted to. I blamed getting married right out of high school & having children, 2 before I was 21 years old, I didn't get a chance to 'live' life if you will.
I had some new found freedom and I wanted/needed to truly find ME, what was I REALLY about, what kind of person was I?
David's day/appointment came to complete the DNA test, I headed down and met my mom at Child Services, we past David's father in the hall as he was completing portion of the test. He stopped and touched the baby and then he left, it was a little unnerving but nothing that didn't pass quickly. We sat in the room for sometime before the aide came in and explained what they would be doing, it was a simple 'swab' test inside the cheek and then we were free to go. I could not start any additional paperwork of course, until the results were back, but we all KNEW he was the father, this was a technicality at this point. I went to drop David off at my girlfriend's house, she was so gracious as to keep him {again} while we had our meeting with mediator, my folks were first then I had my turn alone. This would be the report that would make or break our case in court for our guardianship.
When I was done with my portion of the interview, the social worker turned of the recorder and said I need to talk to you for a minute if that is o.k. with you, I said of course, the interview had been very emotional, even more so than I had anticipated.
She had a look of concern on her face, it scared me, my heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to throw up. She looked at me and said "I'm listing you as the voice of reason" in my report, it is obvious the hatred your father has for the this babies father and that just has to be contained while you are in front of a judge, your mother is extremely emotional, which will not affect the judge per-say but her words can not be counted if it comes down to her word and his." I shook my head and said "I know, I know what I have to do, I just have doubts in being able to do it alone." She told me, "you have a straight head on your shoulders, you have your wits about you and all that needs to be done in this situation, for this family" she paused and all I could think was DO I HAVE MY WITS ABOUT ME because lately I feel like I'm losing my god damn mind over all this stuff!
We finished our conversation, I thanked her for her kind words and encouragement and I left her office. We would have her report within 2 weeks, in time for our next court appearance/hearing where the judge would hear both sides and either grant or deny the guardianship.
I left the office as my folks were about to leave, you could tell the interview had taken it's toll on them both, I kissed and hugged them and went to get David then headed back home. It was full day, an emotional day and I wanted to just go back home.
I got home in time to pick up my daughter from the school farm and we went home and had a nice relaxing evening. Bedtime was hard for me, I cried, I cried and I cried, I had to get out of bed and go to the downstatirs bathroom and gain myself so I would not wake up the kids, I guess today took more of a toll than I was thinking it had, I knew there were some built up emmotions still in me, I worried, were they just going to keep coming out like this, when my day has ended and it was time for me to relax and have one single {good/positive} thought without a tear??
5.10.2012
1 down...
I have to admit it was kind of nice to be back at work, it made me feel normal again, if that makes ANY sense at all, it was a job that I liked doing and it made me feel good to be able to help people, I was good at my job and proud of what I did. I had a ton of support and a lot of offers for help if only my stubborness would move aside I might have taken up a few more offers than I had, it was like one big family and even though they did not know my sister, they were there for me!
I came home and found my daughter downstairs making a bottle, I quickly swapped places with her and she headed back upstairs to go back to bed. David was still up in his crib and was pretty worked up by this time and seemed happy to see me, he smiled really big and was asleep after two big gulps. He finished his bottle and I laid him back in his crib then I sprawled out on my bed clothes and all. I was still not caught up on my sleep and although I sat for 10 hours at work, it was a very mentally challenging 10 hours and took what energy I had built back up right out of me.
David had a follow-up doctor appointment today, this one I was not able to schedule around my work hours so this would be a long day but hey, what else was new?!?!
My daughter woke me up, I dropped her off at the bus stop, came back home and David was ready to eat again, full, bathed and back down while I got ready for his appointment. We headed to the hospital, found the office and were greeted by two very, very sweet receptionists as they had heard about David and were SO expecting us. I completed more paperwork, put my temporary guardianship papers on file and we were taken back to the exam room where the Dr joined shortly after. He checked David thouroughly as {again} this antibiotic was strong and now creeping up on 9 lbs could have some serious effects on David's little organs, he assured me this was all routine and the appointment was completed as we were given the 'green' light to continue the treatment and he would see us back in 2 weeks. **phew** good news was not what I was used to getting these last few weeks!
I called my folks on my way home as well as my oldest daughter, she was relieved we got a good bill of health beginning this treatment and I would find out more with the pediatrician appoinment later this week for the {full} results of our hospital stay. My dad was grateful & my mom cried, I can't imagine what my folks are going through, to lose a child has to be something NO ONE would ever wish upon anyone. They always say you should always out live your children, not bury them.
When I got home I had a very sleepy little boy and he slept pretty much the remainder of the afternoon, he was coming up on a month old now, 9 lbs and a {overnight} permanent fixture in our home, yet feeling like he had been here forever!
With one appointment under my belt, an {awful} unexpected hospital stay and one more follow-up to come, we should be good to go and focus on our court issues and be home free!! There IS a light at the end of this tragic tunnel....
I came home and found my daughter downstairs making a bottle, I quickly swapped places with her and she headed back upstairs to go back to bed. David was still up in his crib and was pretty worked up by this time and seemed happy to see me, he smiled really big and was asleep after two big gulps. He finished his bottle and I laid him back in his crib then I sprawled out on my bed clothes and all. I was still not caught up on my sleep and although I sat for 10 hours at work, it was a very mentally challenging 10 hours and took what energy I had built back up right out of me.
David had a follow-up doctor appointment today, this one I was not able to schedule around my work hours so this would be a long day but hey, what else was new?!?!
My daughter woke me up, I dropped her off at the bus stop, came back home and David was ready to eat again, full, bathed and back down while I got ready for his appointment. We headed to the hospital, found the office and were greeted by two very, very sweet receptionists as they had heard about David and were SO expecting us. I completed more paperwork, put my temporary guardianship papers on file and we were taken back to the exam room where the Dr joined shortly after. He checked David thouroughly as {again} this antibiotic was strong and now creeping up on 9 lbs could have some serious effects on David's little organs, he assured me this was all routine and the appointment was completed as we were given the 'green' light to continue the treatment and he would see us back in 2 weeks. **phew** good news was not what I was used to getting these last few weeks!
I called my folks on my way home as well as my oldest daughter, she was relieved we got a good bill of health beginning this treatment and I would find out more with the pediatrician appoinment later this week for the {full} results of our hospital stay. My dad was grateful & my mom cried, I can't imagine what my folks are going through, to lose a child has to be something NO ONE would ever wish upon anyone. They always say you should always out live your children, not bury them.
When I got home I had a very sleepy little boy and he slept pretty much the remainder of the afternoon, he was coming up on a month old now, 9 lbs and a {overnight} permanent fixture in our home, yet feeling like he had been here forever!
With one appointment under my belt, an {awful} unexpected hospital stay and one more follow-up to come, we should be good to go and focus on our court issues and be home free!! There IS a light at the end of this tragic tunnel....
5.09.2012
I lost her, or did I?
My youngest was ready for school, I bundled up David and off we went, I dropped her off at the bus stop and back home for COFFEE! Our schedule was a little bizarre, on off days I had the liberty of going back home and relaxing, ok, who am I kidding, it would be back to bed for a nap with David, he was usually up by 10 a.m., he would get a bath, feeding and then some play time before he fell asleep again then it was my time to get ready and by that time it was time to get her from school, driving all the way out to the country since she was in FFA and had a steer she had to feed and groom daily. We were usually home by 6 p.m. in time for some dinner, homework, baths again if needed then B E D!
NOW, on a work day make this the same schedule, but I'm home at 0400 and up at 0645 back down till 10 a.m. and up for the day and running a 'tad' faster to be at work by 6:30 p.m., this occurs 4 nights a week, you get all that? right!
Oh and we must not forget Fair time that was coming up, this would be just insane to try and even keep up.
David was a good baby, a great sleeper, well I'm sure the extra meds helped a little and over all very very happy, he was always smiling.
Our house has definitely not been the same since this tragedy and as much as you wish things to be normal, they are not. The girl's and I have been a little frayed, a little irritable and, well, a little quiet towards one another and I'm certain it is the grieving process and the time we have lost. Lost not just with the death but with one another, I have even less time to be with them, take them places or even sit down and talk with them, if we do it is very rushed and begins with a "if you hurry" and ends with "ok, we will talk about this later" and well, later never comes.
My oldest and I have been at odds and things turned worse. It is always a feather that breaks the camel's back and for the life if me I can not remember what was exactly said or done, but the argument happened and she was gone, she left in a rage and moved out a few days after the argument. I was crushed and thought how dare her leave me, after all we had been through, after she made this commitment with me, to help me, why was she being so stubborn and selfish? This was NOT going to be a good sleep night and I went back to work tomorrow.
I tossed and turned and as hard as I tried I could not sleep, so on the stairs I sat, after a long hot shower and cry. I toiled over what I had done wrong, if I had made a decision that had ultimately pushed my own flesh and blood away, what was I thinking, what was I going to do?
She was 18 years old with the mentality/maturity of a 21 year old, she was always my level headed one, the one with a plan, the one that had love for her aunt that even I had no idea the magnitude! She was hurting and her decision to leave in hast was one that was not ideal but I know for the both of us, it was coming whether the timing was right or not.
Today I go back to work and my youngest daughter will be picked up from school and will be at home with David tonight. She was a little worried she would not be able to get her homework done and her chores and I told her, he is good, he will sleep or sit in his swing {he loves} while she gets her work done. He was only waking up once a night for feedings and we had it to where it was "about" the time I came home so IF she had to get up, I was home to finish the feeding for her and she could fall right back asleep, so no worries there.
NOW, on a work day make this the same schedule, but I'm home at 0400 and up at 0645 back down till 10 a.m. and up for the day and running a 'tad' faster to be at work by 6:30 p.m., this occurs 4 nights a week, you get all that? right!
Oh and we must not forget Fair time that was coming up, this would be just insane to try and even keep up.
David was a good baby, a great sleeper, well I'm sure the extra meds helped a little and over all very very happy, he was always smiling.
Our house has definitely not been the same since this tragedy and as much as you wish things to be normal, they are not. The girl's and I have been a little frayed, a little irritable and, well, a little quiet towards one another and I'm certain it is the grieving process and the time we have lost. Lost not just with the death but with one another, I have even less time to be with them, take them places or even sit down and talk with them, if we do it is very rushed and begins with a "if you hurry" and ends with "ok, we will talk about this later" and well, later never comes.
My oldest and I have been at odds and things turned worse. It is always a feather that breaks the camel's back and for the life if me I can not remember what was exactly said or done, but the argument happened and she was gone, she left in a rage and moved out a few days after the argument. I was crushed and thought how dare her leave me, after all we had been through, after she made this commitment with me, to help me, why was she being so stubborn and selfish? This was NOT going to be a good sleep night and I went back to work tomorrow.
I tossed and turned and as hard as I tried I could not sleep, so on the stairs I sat, after a long hot shower and cry. I toiled over what I had done wrong, if I had made a decision that had ultimately pushed my own flesh and blood away, what was I thinking, what was I going to do?
She was 18 years old with the mentality/maturity of a 21 year old, she was always my level headed one, the one with a plan, the one that had love for her aunt that even I had no idea the magnitude! She was hurting and her decision to leave in hast was one that was not ideal but I know for the both of us, it was coming whether the timing was right or not.
Today I go back to work and my youngest daughter will be picked up from school and will be at home with David tonight. She was a little worried she would not be able to get her homework done and her chores and I told her, he is good, he will sleep or sit in his swing {he loves} while she gets her work done. He was only waking up once a night for feedings and we had it to where it was "about" the time I came home so IF she had to get up, I was home to finish the feeding for her and she could fall right back asleep, so no worries there.
5.07.2012
someone? anyone?
Today was our 3rd day in the hospital and I was feeling a little anxious to go home. We were woken up early at shift change and the nurses seemed to think we would be able to go home today. David was doing much better and had responded well to the treatments and was on his {strong} antibiotic regimen, a regimen he would be on for at least the next six months. They started it while we were in the hospital just in case he would have any side effects, he was barely at the 7 lb mark and on an antibiotic that was dangerous for his little system, it could do damage to his tiny organs but giving the fact he was subjected to a life threatening sepsis, it was something that needed to be done. They had performed a spinal tap to make sure he was at least healthy enough to be on this medication, having to `fold` him in half and see them stick a needle in his spine that was WAY bigger than him was something that I was SO not prepared for ):
This little boy was a fighter from day one, and in that, I mean a fighter from day one of conception. He was subjected to drugs from both his parents, prior to from his mother and I know during from his father and his mother fighting a grave disease throughout the entire pregnancy and not knowing for one second there was anything wrong. The doctors told us she had been sick for sometime, this is after her death, unknown for sure but at least 2 to 3 years worth. My little sister was strong willed and never once complained, if we saw any signs at all, it was from her normal and usual asthma issues, she would then retreat to her room and it always seemed to "worked itself out".
I did a quick freshen up this morning, in hopes of going home and was waiting for the doctor to come for his rounds, WHY always on the day you anticipate leaving they come NOT SO bright and early? My folks had come down as well as my daughters and we were all waiting, waiting AND waiting.
It was almost lunch time by the time we saw the doctor and we were given the o.k. to go home today, this was AWESOME news to my ears, I missed my bed and I was glad this little guy was all better, there was NO time in my schedule for this down time!
All the paperwork was completed, we were given meds and meds and more meds, we had made a few more standing doctors appointments with the infectious disease doctor who would be our main care provider at this point until David was able to be {weaned} off these super ubber antibiotics, other then his well baby check-ups we would be coming back to the hospital every 2 weeks for at least a month then we can move to once a month depending on David's progress.
Home~Sweet~Home..Julie was here to greet us and help me get settled in and then she went home, the girl's were here for a little bit then he oldest left and the youngest went to eat at her dad's since she knew I would be tired and David was resting.
O.K. can someone tell me what to do next? I'm in forward mode and that pretty much says it all!! I can't think, I don't eat, and I definitely DON'T sleep! This is beginning to take it's toll on all of us.
I need help, although I'm too proud to ask for it, my girl's are finding themselves, it is just the ages plus their grief process is in HIGH gear, my folks are emotionally unavailable and my sister lives too far away.
I'm home alone, David is resting, I'm watching him sleep right next to me and all I want to do is sleep and sleep for a long time! I start to cry, muffled as to not wake him and guess that is what I needed since I didn't wake up until the next morning.
This little boy was a fighter from day one, and in that, I mean a fighter from day one of conception. He was subjected to drugs from both his parents, prior to from his mother and I know during from his father and his mother fighting a grave disease throughout the entire pregnancy and not knowing for one second there was anything wrong. The doctors told us she had been sick for sometime, this is after her death, unknown for sure but at least 2 to 3 years worth. My little sister was strong willed and never once complained, if we saw any signs at all, it was from her normal and usual asthma issues, she would then retreat to her room and it always seemed to "worked itself out".
I did a quick freshen up this morning, in hopes of going home and was waiting for the doctor to come for his rounds, WHY always on the day you anticipate leaving they come NOT SO bright and early? My folks had come down as well as my daughters and we were all waiting, waiting AND waiting.
It was almost lunch time by the time we saw the doctor and we were given the o.k. to go home today, this was AWESOME news to my ears, I missed my bed and I was glad this little guy was all better, there was NO time in my schedule for this down time!
All the paperwork was completed, we were given meds and meds and more meds, we had made a few more standing doctors appointments with the infectious disease doctor who would be our main care provider at this point until David was able to be {weaned} off these super ubber antibiotics, other then his well baby check-ups we would be coming back to the hospital every 2 weeks for at least a month then we can move to once a month depending on David's progress.
Home~Sweet~Home..Julie was here to greet us and help me get settled in and then she went home, the girl's were here for a little bit then he oldest left and the youngest went to eat at her dad's since she knew I would be tired and David was resting.
O.K. can someone tell me what to do next? I'm in forward mode and that pretty much says it all!! I can't think, I don't eat, and I definitely DON'T sleep! This is beginning to take it's toll on all of us.
I need help, although I'm too proud to ask for it, my girl's are finding themselves, it is just the ages plus their grief process is in HIGH gear, my folks are emotionally unavailable and my sister lives too far away.
I'm home alone, David is resting, I'm watching him sleep right next to me and all I want to do is sleep and sleep for a long time! I start to cry, muffled as to not wake him and guess that is what I needed since I didn't wake up until the next morning.
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