today is such a mom of a 5 year old and gramma babysitting day!!
Alarm off early, jump outta bed, hair up, quickly wipe off smeared mascara, brush teeth throw on a bra and double layer 2 holey t-shirts and comfy stretchy pants, commando of course don't judge me...
Mini pancakes it is for breakfast, even managed to pour myself a cup of 'joe' that would surely be needed to get me through the day.
time to dress the 5 year old crime fighter was simultaneously was playing his iTouch phone superman game, amazing, but he is slowed long enough to dress him as the 1 year old is corraled, diapered changed and now we are ready to bo "bye-bye", I forgot my hips would extend that far as to hold 20 extra pounds.
5 year old delivered and 1 year old is now ready to nap, nose wiped and milk administered then SUCCESS!
I don't know what to do with myself, I am alone in a house that usually has so muh activity one can't hear oneself think a single thought...
Shhhhhhhhhhh, it's quite time~please read in silence to support the cause!!
2.23.2012
2.22.2012
the break-down
We returned home from our visit, my first time meeting with David to find the house was full of our family and friends. There we joined our respective areas of mourning, where my dad went into his shop, my mom settled out on the outdoor porch and my sister and I migrated between both their areas as well as the house which seemed to be the most quite place with all the people stopping by bringing food, flowers and simply wanting to give their condolences for our tragic loss. The girl's had come down in the afternoon and stayed for just a little while before they went back home, I choose to stay at least one more night with my parents as did my sister, her husband and daughter had gone home for now and would return for the services later in the week.
I was moving food around and cleaning up a little bit of the house when my mom came in the house, just stood in the kitchen and started to cry. I walked her into her room where she could rest a little bit and have some quiet time which in all honesty I don't think was the best thing for her but she needed to sleep, the lack of sleep on all of us this last week was not going to fair good in all we still had to do for her as well as the baby. Passing her room was hard for me, when I left my mom's room and closed her door I placed my hand on her door knob, took a deep breath as I fought back the tears.
My godmother who was in the house with me, came outside with me as my dad was coming into the house to check on my mom, I told him she was resting, he hugged me tight an said "thank you" and went back to his shop.
The company had thinned, if you will and I joined my sister, my girl's, my godmother and a few close friends on the outdoor porch where we all sat and discussed what was going to happen to the 'baby'. My girl's and my sister came forth sand said my mom, Trisha will be taking him home and we will figure out the logistics with the father when everything else is settled, they all agreed that was the best choice and was the more sensible one other than our mother saying she would be the one to take him so her and our father could raise him, we all knew this was not fesible and would not happen, she had just lost her yooungest child and this baby boy is what is left of her.
It was becoming dusk and most everyone else was gone by now, a couple close friends were still here and we were preparing to eat a bit and I had hoped it would be in peace tonight. The outpouring was amazing and I don't want to sound selfish or ungrateful but the littlest moments we could spend in silence were far and few nowadays yet SO needed by us all!
My dad went into the house to check on my mom, wake her for dinner as my sister and I followed behind to prepare some food for us when we heard a loud cry, more like a screech, it was bone chilling as we all stepped up the pace, we rounded the kitchen corner into the hall and found "her" bedroom door open and our mom laying on her bed, sobbing, tearing the covers off her bed wrapping herself in them, my dad grabbed her and held her, it was heart wrenching, that was the epitome of losing a child right there is all I could think of. My sister and I left the room so they could have a private moment and retreated to the living room where we held one another and silently cried with her/them.
My sister and I finished warming the food and my parents joined us a little bit later, they both actually sat at the table and ate, then went to bed for the night. We had a very busy day lined up for tommorow, we would have the daunting task of going to the funeral home and make the proper arrangements for Tanya and I had already planned on making the the trip back down to Merced for David's 3pm feeding.
If this was the true meaning then these next few days would be described GO TIME!
I was moving food around and cleaning up a little bit of the house when my mom came in the house, just stood in the kitchen and started to cry. I walked her into her room where she could rest a little bit and have some quiet time which in all honesty I don't think was the best thing for her but she needed to sleep, the lack of sleep on all of us this last week was not going to fair good in all we still had to do for her as well as the baby. Passing her room was hard for me, when I left my mom's room and closed her door I placed my hand on her door knob, took a deep breath as I fought back the tears.
My godmother who was in the house with me, came outside with me as my dad was coming into the house to check on my mom, I told him she was resting, he hugged me tight an said "thank you" and went back to his shop.
The company had thinned, if you will and I joined my sister, my girl's, my godmother and a few close friends on the outdoor porch where we all sat and discussed what was going to happen to the 'baby'. My girl's and my sister came forth sand said my mom, Trisha will be taking him home and we will figure out the logistics with the father when everything else is settled, they all agreed that was the best choice and was the more sensible one other than our mother saying she would be the one to take him so her and our father could raise him, we all knew this was not fesible and would not happen, she had just lost her yooungest child and this baby boy is what is left of her.
It was becoming dusk and most everyone else was gone by now, a couple close friends were still here and we were preparing to eat a bit and I had hoped it would be in peace tonight. The outpouring was amazing and I don't want to sound selfish or ungrateful but the littlest moments we could spend in silence were far and few nowadays yet SO needed by us all!
My dad went into the house to check on my mom, wake her for dinner as my sister and I followed behind to prepare some food for us when we heard a loud cry, more like a screech, it was bone chilling as we all stepped up the pace, we rounded the kitchen corner into the hall and found "her" bedroom door open and our mom laying on her bed, sobbing, tearing the covers off her bed wrapping herself in them, my dad grabbed her and held her, it was heart wrenching, that was the epitome of losing a child right there is all I could think of. My sister and I left the room so they could have a private moment and retreated to the living room where we held one another and silently cried with her/them.
My sister and I finished warming the food and my parents joined us a little bit later, they both actually sat at the table and ate, then went to bed for the night. We had a very busy day lined up for tommorow, we would have the daunting task of going to the funeral home and make the proper arrangements for Tanya and I had already planned on making the the trip back down to Merced for David's 3pm feeding.
If this was the true meaning then these next few days would be described GO TIME!
the D word...
DISAPPOINTMENT=DEVSTATION
disappointment is being in {extreme} pain while going through a major life changing experience, illness, you are promised a visit, a meal, good company and great conversation & knowing it quite possibly may just be the highlight of your day when in the end you are left waiting, wondering and sending "your not on your way are you?"
I was unfotunately the recepient of such a message and I was devastated to say the least!! Im not devastated for my benefit I am so for the hurt and disappointment I caused someone who was counting on me to be there and I wasn't. It was not intentional but that somehow has no bearing on the way it had broken someone's spirit.
I got the message that "it is o.k., there is a lot of pain today and I am ready for bed, yes this early". This makes it real confirming that the slighest of visit time would have brought a little relief today...
The bravery is more that admirable and the willingness to forgive makes the friendship one that is un-breakable...
for that I must take comfort in knowing it IS ok, NOT acceptable, but understood and that I will have an opportunity to make it right!
I have been disappointed and devastated~I take to heart the words and the gestures of making something happen that may I say/suggest or promise. So I can be this hard on myself because I know first hand the effects of both and at the same time!
"I am human and to error is human to fogive is divine"
2.20.2012
nice to meet you
With much anxiety in the 40 minute drive we took, we arrived and all piled out as fast as we piled in. We headed up to the NICU where David was and my parents went in, as they were on the `list` and had a card with the code that my sister had given my mom after the baby was transported, we got to stand at the window outside right where David's islet was, we waited for the nurse to appear and open the blinds so we could see him. My dad came out and said that there was some issues and the nurse was having to call in her supervisor since my sister and I were not on the list and that the only one who had access to see, be with the baby was the mother & father, they then had told us that David's father
had come to see him just yesterday bringing his parents whom were only allowed at the window as well. My mom was still in the NICU with the nurses trying to sort it all out, I was less than happy as was my sister, my dad offered us a walk which we both declined. My mom popped out and called my dad into the unit where the nurse then opened the blinds for us as she left the unit for 3 minutes, that was the max time she gave my parents to be alone and have a private moment with their only grandson whom had just lost his mother.
My mom held him close and cried, my dad held my mom and cried, my sister and I were arm and arm when the nurse came up to us and apologized for our family's tragic loss and that she was sorry there was a delay in seeing David. The nurse explained that she had to get permission especially due to the circumstances to have family other than the biological parents come and visit and care for this newborn child that had been in the NICU for a week now with no regular visits or care. We told her we understood and thanked her for caring for him this past week when we obviously could not, she obliged and said that since the father was not as involved we would be allowed to come and visit and care for the child, my parents were eligible automatically since they were listed as her 'next of kin'.
Our parents took just a short amount of time with David and then came back out to the hallway were my sister and I had been admiring him through the nursery window wondering what the future held for this teeny tiny baby boy and what on earth were our parents thinking about, I a mother, can not even imagine! My sister and I had talked about it briefly but I think it was a given at this point that I would be the one to take David in and care for him as my sister simply put it that I was the unselfish one, she had a 3 1/2 year old she wanted/needed to give her undivided attention to and spoil her as I had already gotten to do for my girl's who were nearly 18 and 15 years old coming up in July, both still at home with me. I was recently divorced and had a good paying, secure job at the same time becoming set in my {new} ways. I Married young, right out of high school, ALWAYS had to be the responsible one and quite frankly didn't have a whole lot of fun, I was in a new phase of my life, being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted and I surely in love with my 10-12 hours of sleep I got on a daily basis!
It was finally our turn to go in and see him, I was so nervous I think I almost puked. We had to wait 30 minutes to allow the other NICU parents to come and see their children and then the nurses would be able to give us the same private time they gave our parents. I remember walking in, the nurse pulling the islet away from the wall, pushing over another big comfy chair and saying "god bless you both" as she left the room, we both stood there watching over him as he slept like an angel, I swear he was lying there so peaceful it took my breath away, I had to sit down before I fell down as my sister scooped him up and sat next to me holding him out right so we could both take a good look at him. He was a whooping 4 lb, 5oz dark complected full of hair, trust me on this one, head to toe. He had a feeding tube coming from the side of his mouth which didn't seem to bother him at all as we passed him back and forth, only once a piece until I ended up with him and at that very moment I was connected and I promised myself I was never going to let him go, THIS is the moment I knew what she meant when she said 'take care of the baby.' Now that I think about it, she didn't say "my" baby, it was "the" baby, interesting you may think but to me, yes now 5 years later, I'm convinced it was her ultimate gift to me.
The nurse came in, knelt by us on the floor and gave us instructions on feeding David as it was that time and of course we wanted to be involved. My sister had gone out and asked my mom if she wanted to feed him and she was too emotional so my sister and I would be administering the feeding on this day, our first date as I like to call it! The nurse prepped the food/bottle and showed us how it worked with the tube and the cleaning procedure when we were done. She stood by us, wanting to ask, then she would walk away and then came right back "ok I have to ask, I have to know, who will care for David, what will happen to him?" My sister and I looked at one another, we cried, I held David even closer as he ate, still never opening his eyes and my sister told the nurse, "she will, I'm too selfish and have a daughter to raise, Trisha will care for David and do so in honor of our sister Tanya" the nurse started to cry, hugged us both and went on about her rounds in the small NICU room we were all contained to at this time.
Lunch time was over, he started to stir and then it happened, he opened his eyes, he looked at me with those huge brown eyes and locked in his target. The nurse came over and was like "ok here is the game plan" it was like a football coach and we were on this field about to win the championship title, she told me you should come down everyday so he can bond with you and you can feed him at least his 3 p.m. feeding. I shook my head, agreed and told her I would be here, god willing with all this other stuff we had to take care of now as she gave me the card and code and her personal number as well as number to her station. My sister laid David carefully back in his islet and we went to the hall to meet our parents who went back in to say good bye to David, we had a lot we needed to get started so we needed to get back home.
Talk about feeling torn, I wanted to snatch him up and take him home right there, he did not need to lay in that bed alone for another day!
The drive home was a silent one, an emotional one, a heart wrenching one~but we did it and we did it together. Iit felt as if we were the fabulous 4 and nothing was going to stop us now, we were on a mission to make sure my mom's child, my dad's daughter and our sister was given all our attention in preparing for her final journey, her journey that would lead her to peace, a well deserved farewell.
had come to see him just yesterday bringing his parents whom were only allowed at the window as well. My mom was still in the NICU with the nurses trying to sort it all out, I was less than happy as was my sister, my dad offered us a walk which we both declined. My mom popped out and called my dad into the unit where the nurse then opened the blinds for us as she left the unit for 3 minutes, that was the max time she gave my parents to be alone and have a private moment with their only grandson whom had just lost his mother.
My mom held him close and cried, my dad held my mom and cried, my sister and I were arm and arm when the nurse came up to us and apologized for our family's tragic loss and that she was sorry there was a delay in seeing David. The nurse explained that she had to get permission especially due to the circumstances to have family other than the biological parents come and visit and care for this newborn child that had been in the NICU for a week now with no regular visits or care. We told her we understood and thanked her for caring for him this past week when we obviously could not, she obliged and said that since the father was not as involved we would be allowed to come and visit and care for the child, my parents were eligible automatically since they were listed as her 'next of kin'.
Our parents took just a short amount of time with David and then came back out to the hallway were my sister and I had been admiring him through the nursery window wondering what the future held for this teeny tiny baby boy and what on earth were our parents thinking about, I a mother, can not even imagine! My sister and I had talked about it briefly but I think it was a given at this point that I would be the one to take David in and care for him as my sister simply put it that I was the unselfish one, she had a 3 1/2 year old she wanted/needed to give her undivided attention to and spoil her as I had already gotten to do for my girl's who were nearly 18 and 15 years old coming up in July, both still at home with me. I was recently divorced and had a good paying, secure job at the same time becoming set in my {new} ways. I Married young, right out of high school, ALWAYS had to be the responsible one and quite frankly didn't have a whole lot of fun, I was in a new phase of my life, being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted and I surely in love with my 10-12 hours of sleep I got on a daily basis!
It was finally our turn to go in and see him, I was so nervous I think I almost puked. We had to wait 30 minutes to allow the other NICU parents to come and see their children and then the nurses would be able to give us the same private time they gave our parents. I remember walking in, the nurse pulling the islet away from the wall, pushing over another big comfy chair and saying "god bless you both" as she left the room, we both stood there watching over him as he slept like an angel, I swear he was lying there so peaceful it took my breath away, I had to sit down before I fell down as my sister scooped him up and sat next to me holding him out right so we could both take a good look at him. He was a whooping 4 lb, 5oz dark complected full of hair, trust me on this one, head to toe. He had a feeding tube coming from the side of his mouth which didn't seem to bother him at all as we passed him back and forth, only once a piece until I ended up with him and at that very moment I was connected and I promised myself I was never going to let him go, THIS is the moment I knew what she meant when she said 'take care of the baby.' Now that I think about it, she didn't say "my" baby, it was "the" baby, interesting you may think but to me, yes now 5 years later, I'm convinced it was her ultimate gift to me.
The nurse came in, knelt by us on the floor and gave us instructions on feeding David as it was that time and of course we wanted to be involved. My sister had gone out and asked my mom if she wanted to feed him and she was too emotional so my sister and I would be administering the feeding on this day, our first date as I like to call it! The nurse prepped the food/bottle and showed us how it worked with the tube and the cleaning procedure when we were done. She stood by us, wanting to ask, then she would walk away and then came right back "ok I have to ask, I have to know, who will care for David, what will happen to him?" My sister and I looked at one another, we cried, I held David even closer as he ate, still never opening his eyes and my sister told the nurse, "she will, I'm too selfish and have a daughter to raise, Trisha will care for David and do so in honor of our sister Tanya" the nurse started to cry, hugged us both and went on about her rounds in the small NICU room we were all contained to at this time.
Lunch time was over, he started to stir and then it happened, he opened his eyes, he looked at me with those huge brown eyes and locked in his target. The nurse came over and was like "ok here is the game plan" it was like a football coach and we were on this field about to win the championship title, she told me you should come down everyday so he can bond with you and you can feed him at least his 3 p.m. feeding. I shook my head, agreed and told her I would be here, god willing with all this other stuff we had to take care of now as she gave me the card and code and her personal number as well as number to her station. My sister laid David carefully back in his islet and we went to the hall to meet our parents who went back in to say good bye to David, we had a lot we needed to get started so we needed to get back home.
Talk about feeling torn, I wanted to snatch him up and take him home right there, he did not need to lay in that bed alone for another day!
The drive home was a silent one, an emotional one, a heart wrenching one~but we did it and we did it together. Iit felt as if we were the fabulous 4 and nothing was going to stop us now, we were on a mission to make sure my mom's child, my dad's daughter and our sister was given all our attention in preparing for her final journey, her journey that would lead her to peace, a well deserved farewell.
2.18.2012
roadtrip...
We finally woke up with all the hustle and bustle that was starting to happen in the house, this was just my parents getting up, making coffee and moving around. I remember like it was yesterday, still, my parents watching us sleep, wanting to be quiet but wanting us to get up and be with them, the first silent thought that went through my head was I woke up and my little sister did not!
We all migrated outside, it was a gorgeous morning as it always seemed to be at my parents house, we all sat on the porch we all loved to sit at and look at the hills and drink our coffee, believe it or not that is where I got my obsession for the java, I detested the stuff till then.
My sister started off the conversation, our parents were less than speechless and seemed we were the ones to keep them on track this past week. We discussed the trip we would be taking to Merced this morning or early afternoon and how excited and scared to death we all were, we still had not talked a lot about what was going to happen with the baby boy that was lying in an isolate and had been all alone for the last 5 days with no visitors. My sister had seen the baby, David, after his birth and then again when my parents took her up to see him 3 days after she had him, my parents had talked little about him other then what a wonderful job Tanya had done during birth and how very proud they were of her and how she was looking so forward to raising her son which at that point the conversation ended as the tears and heartache brought us back to the reality that she was really gone. We all sat for a little time more, composed ourselves if you will when friends and family started to arrive, it was mid morning and I was grateful they gave us that much time because it was non-stop for the next week. Many close friends and family were in and out, there was a lot of food, a lot of phone calls, flowers and just as many hugs and tears.
We had a huge support team, for a lack of better words, there was always someone at the house inside with my mom and someone outside with my dad, I can't tell you who all they were but I know my godmother was a god send and my dad's closest friends never left his side. My sister and I as well as my girl's filled in the gaps, not slowing down once, that would have meant we would have had to 'really' think about things and that was just not an option at this point there was too much that needed to be done.
The 4 of us took turns in getting ready as best we could and headed out the door, it was almost 1pm by now when we piled into my dad's truck as if we were 8 years old and going on a vacation road trip, it was a fond memory that rushed back to me and as fast as it came, it left with the simple fact of this was not the vacation road trip I had planned on taking. I do remember we had a nice drive, although there was not a lot of conversation, it was about 40 minutes north of were we lived so it was just enough time to prepare ourselves for a rush of emotions, again!
We all migrated outside, it was a gorgeous morning as it always seemed to be at my parents house, we all sat on the porch we all loved to sit at and look at the hills and drink our coffee, believe it or not that is where I got my obsession for the java, I detested the stuff till then.
My sister started off the conversation, our parents were less than speechless and seemed we were the ones to keep them on track this past week. We discussed the trip we would be taking to Merced this morning or early afternoon and how excited and scared to death we all were, we still had not talked a lot about what was going to happen with the baby boy that was lying in an isolate and had been all alone for the last 5 days with no visitors. My sister had seen the baby, David, after his birth and then again when my parents took her up to see him 3 days after she had him, my parents had talked little about him other then what a wonderful job Tanya had done during birth and how very proud they were of her and how she was looking so forward to raising her son which at that point the conversation ended as the tears and heartache brought us back to the reality that she was really gone. We all sat for a little time more, composed ourselves if you will when friends and family started to arrive, it was mid morning and I was grateful they gave us that much time because it was non-stop for the next week. Many close friends and family were in and out, there was a lot of food, a lot of phone calls, flowers and just as many hugs and tears.
We had a huge support team, for a lack of better words, there was always someone at the house inside with my mom and someone outside with my dad, I can't tell you who all they were but I know my godmother was a god send and my dad's closest friends never left his side. My sister and I as well as my girl's filled in the gaps, not slowing down once, that would have meant we would have had to 'really' think about things and that was just not an option at this point there was too much that needed to be done.
The 4 of us took turns in getting ready as best we could and headed out the door, it was almost 1pm by now when we piled into my dad's truck as if we were 8 years old and going on a vacation road trip, it was a fond memory that rushed back to me and as fast as it came, it left with the simple fact of this was not the vacation road trip I had planned on taking. I do remember we had a nice drive, although there was not a lot of conversation, it was about 40 minutes north of were we lived so it was just enough time to prepare ourselves for a rush of emotions, again!
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