the lane...

is as long or as short as you want it to be....A wise man once told me....

"you can leave, but know if it is in a hurry or with hast, the walk back is a much longer one from when you left...either way you are welcomed back"

the memories, the thoughts, the dreams, the visions and the words are some that stick with you forever....
it may be a picture, a scene, a reminisce or a dream that brings them all back with a rush of emotions that make you feel as if you were still sitting on the porch looking at what seemed to be an eternal walk, lined with 50 year old eucalyptus trees layered with the dirt & gravel as you often times hear described in country song....

Well, I did come back, I was MORE than welcomed even if it was after everyone had gone, things had changed and no one was left, yet they all came back together for MY walk down the lane....

Dream often...
Never forget...
& Live like it WILL happen again!!

 

change you say...

OK OK OK OK ..

I am guilty of change, constant change (: 

I am a radio channel changer

I have a need to keep things the same way, pattern, habit but like the switch up, BUT

as long as it is on my terms .. don't judge me, LOVE ME!!

My husband says I'm NOT stubborn, I just know what I want, I love that man ..

SO, on that note, the background change is one of a passion you could say, even have it tattooed and not finished (:

Cherry Blossom are the most delicate flower in the Asian culture and for this 'meaning' I have forever adopted their beauty!!

The cherry blossom meaning in China signifies power. A cherry blossom in Chinese culture is a symbol of feminine dominance. It indicates female beauty and sexuality. A cherry blossom blooms for a short period of time then it dies.

night #1

I returned to her ICU room after a quiet walk and a few phone calls to find her to be resting somewhat uncomfortable as her seemingly high off and on fever was up again.  The nurses had placed her on an "ice mattress" pad thingy that was ran by a portable, what looked to me to be like a portable ice/air conditioning machine that was placed at the foot of her bed.  It was a rather odd contraption and kept her cool, to see her, she was freezing, shaking and shivering to the point she was not able to control herself.  I thought this was drastic measure for a fever that was inconsistent, so I went out to ask the nurse what was going on.  I/we were fortunate to have the same ICU nurse during the day to keep us well informed and sane, I can not speak as well for the night staff.  This, my first night here, I was fortunate and the nurse explained to me that she has a rise in her fever, her core body was high and they needed to bring it down before it caused permanent internal damage.  I remember thinking 'permanent organ damage' "what the hell is going on here, she has asthma and is having difficulty breathing" she misses her newborn son and is hungry!!

I think I dosed for what seemed to be 10 minutes but turned out it was a whopping 2 hours.  I reached over to her and grabbed her hand and it was ice cold, I got up and looked at her and she was trying so hard to be brave but started to cry and whispered to me "I want to go home, I don't want to do this anymore, turn this off please"  I assured her she is fine and I was not going to leave her.  I tried to get her to eat some soup which she declined, her request was for some ice chips which to me was an odd combo, but I was more than happy to give her what she wanted. 
I rubbed her head and put her to sleep as I dosed at her bedside along with the harmony of the machines which are never in sync with one another and the nurses have sensor alarms on the beds so when you slip into a good "eye nap", they barge right in!

The nurses let me stay in her ICU room for morning shift change as we had such a rough night and they wanted her to rest up.  They did bare minimum with her and left us be for a few hours.  My folks came up when they got up, they relieved me so I could call my girl's to wish them a good day at school and assure them I would see them here, this afternoon, when they got out of school.  I called my middle sister and gave her the "non" update, as we knew nothing more than we did last night, I told her about the ice mattress/machine and that I would call her this evening when I was able to speak to the doctor.  She was worried and wanted to rush down, I reassured her I didn't think that would be necessary at this point, I would call her this afternoon with a Dr. update.

as real as it get's...

**left out at the end of the sentence "her"**

sorry the font is so small but I wanted the full effect of the letter I wrote, on the paper I wrote it on as I sat in her room that first night and at that very moment.  {names could not be ommitted}   

It is surreal to me as I have not read this letter in a few years, kind of solidified the reason for me putting it all together now after so many years of maybe trying to hide from it, who even knows at this point!!

if this is what it {truly} feels like ..

then I know I completely lost my mind today. . .

When someone makes a statement, a really really bad statement to you, at you and you begin to shake uncontrollably, immediately deny that the words you just heard were not just spoken to you but perhaps to someone else, yet you are the person in receipt.

I'm tired, exhausted and I have no more fight in me, literally, it is more a mode self worth and explanation of how bad it feels or perhaps realization of what it would possibly feel like if the shoe was on the other foot. 
I mean when I was a kid, in a hurry, late for the bus and put my shoes on the wrong feet, I felt funny, kinna weird to walk, but never debilitated, where did this analogy EVER come from? 

I feel more compelled at this point to reassure myself that I am a good person and wonder, lately quite often, if I was put in this relationship to help someone through a rough spot in their life and maybe, just maybe someday I will be looked upon as someone who is trustworthy, noble and self-preserved!!

things are always changing, one must stay true to oneself while maintaining the ability to accept the change happening around them..
it goes without saying & SO worth repeating - in order to love someone else you must first love yourself! !