night #1

I returned to her ICU room after a quiet walk and a few phone calls to find her to be resting somewhat uncomfortable as her seemingly high off and on fever was up again.  The nurses had placed her on an "ice mattress" pad thingy that was ran by a portable, what looked to me to be like a portable ice/air conditioning machine that was placed at the foot of her bed.  It was a rather odd contraption and kept her cool, to see her, she was freezing, shaking and shivering to the point she was not able to control herself.  I thought this was drastic measure for a fever that was inconsistent, so I went out to ask the nurse what was going on.  I/we were fortunate to have the same ICU nurse during the day to keep us well informed and sane, I can not speak as well for the night staff.  This, my first night here, I was fortunate and the nurse explained to me that she has a rise in her fever, her core body was high and they needed to bring it down before it caused permanent internal damage.  I remember thinking 'permanent organ damage' "what the hell is going on here, she has asthma and is having difficulty breathing" she misses her newborn son and is hungry!!

I think I dosed for what seemed to be 10 minutes but turned out it was a whopping 2 hours.  I reached over to her and grabbed her hand and it was ice cold, I got up and looked at her and she was trying so hard to be brave but started to cry and whispered to me "I want to go home, I don't want to do this anymore, turn this off please"  I assured her she is fine and I was not going to leave her.  I tried to get her to eat some soup which she declined, her request was for some ice chips which to me was an odd combo, but I was more than happy to give her what she wanted. 
I rubbed her head and put her to sleep as I dosed at her bedside along with the harmony of the machines which are never in sync with one another and the nurses have sensor alarms on the beds so when you slip into a good "eye nap", they barge right in!

The nurses let me stay in her ICU room for morning shift change as we had such a rough night and they wanted her to rest up.  They did bare minimum with her and left us be for a few hours.  My folks came up when they got up, they relieved me so I could call my girl's to wish them a good day at school and assure them I would see them here, this afternoon, when they got out of school.  I called my middle sister and gave her the "non" update, as we knew nothing more than we did last night, I told her about the ice mattress/machine and that I would call her this evening when I was able to speak to the doctor.  She was worried and wanted to rush down, I reassured her I didn't think that would be necessary at this point, I would call her this afternoon with a Dr. update.

as real as it get's...

**left out at the end of the sentence "her"**

sorry the font is so small but I wanted the full effect of the letter I wrote, on the paper I wrote it on as I sat in her room that first night and at that very moment.  {names could not be ommitted}   

It is surreal to me as I have not read this letter in a few years, kind of solidified the reason for me putting it all together now after so many years of maybe trying to hide from it, who even knows at this point!!

if this is what it {truly} feels like ..

then I know I completely lost my mind today. . .

When someone makes a statement, a really really bad statement to you, at you and you begin to shake uncontrollably, immediately deny that the words you just heard were not just spoken to you but perhaps to someone else, yet you are the person in receipt.

I'm tired, exhausted and I have no more fight in me, literally, it is more a mode self worth and explanation of how bad it feels or perhaps realization of what it would possibly feel like if the shoe was on the other foot. 
I mean when I was a kid, in a hurry, late for the bus and put my shoes on the wrong feet, I felt funny, kinna weird to walk, but never debilitated, where did this analogy EVER come from? 

I feel more compelled at this point to reassure myself that I am a good person and wonder, lately quite often, if I was put in this relationship to help someone through a rough spot in their life and maybe, just maybe someday I will be looked upon as someone who is trustworthy, noble and self-preserved!!

things are always changing, one must stay true to oneself while maintaining the ability to accept the change happening around them..
it goes without saying & SO worth repeating - in order to love someone else you must first love yourself! !

the feeling.....

...must be SO overpowering, I mean you put on those blue chonies with red trim donning the "S"piderman logo, you have to feel as if you can save the universe, RIGHT, I mean your compelled!!

I know this is exactly how he feels as he scales the stairs, he tumbles over couches and chairs and leaps off coffee tables and bar stools as he fights the crime and strives to keep us all safe, taking on one bad guy {shadow}after another till the house is safe and we can all rest assured the villain's ARE no longer....

The simplicity of life as a happy, healthy 5 year old and the innocence of a SUPER hero!

being admitted...

It seemed kind of strange to me, admitting her and to the ICU floor since she was only having trouble breathing, the whole time being assured it was her asthma and that she may have only been in minor distress, but I was not the doctor and had promised her I would stay with her tonight and make sure she was alright and not alone, she gave me a reassuring smile, she was scared and tired and was ready for a good night’s sleep.  My folks were reassured we would be fine so they could go home and rest themselves.

I on the other hand was not sure how much sleep I would actually get, but it didn’t seem to matter at that very moment. 

I had a notepad and I began to journal as she rested {see inset}. I’m not sure where the time went, I walked a little and tended to her as she seemed to become somewhat restless as the night went on.
She said she was hungry, I remember them bringing us food, when it came time to eat, she was unable, either not able to hold it down or then not hungry at all. I remember thinking this was strange but not too unusual as she was a little tiny petite thing anyway.
I do know at one point, during the middle of the night, she was ready to tell me her delivery story and at that moment, when it was her and I and the beep of her breathing machine, I let her talk, and talk she did, over and over and over again! The story was one I had learned she had obviously taken great pride in, in her accomplishment to have done something she thought she would not have been able to do, delivery normally as she had from the beginning been told and planned on having a C-section delivery. I sat and listened and learned a lot from my little sister that night, I learned she had always looked up to me and what I had done, whether it be my own deliveries of my two daughters or the way I cared for her as we were growing up. I remember having a sense of humiliation, one I had not admitted nor shared with anyone, my own bit of selfishness for not being as caring or supportive as I should have/could have been in the beginning, as she started this journey, her life changing journey, her becoming a woman, a mother, she was SO PROUD of herself and what she had accomplished and at that moment I figured it out, it hit me and I’m afraid to say it was almost too late, she wanted, in fact, needed my approval.
I listened until she could not speak anymore, she was hoarse and was struggling to form a sentence, and it was obvious she was so tired she could not form another word. I stopped her and at this point was nearly on the bed beside her, holding her and telling her to “shhhhh” as I stroked her hand telling her the entire time how proud I was of her, how brave she was and how I could not wait to meet her son and what a GREAT job she did as I had seen the pictures and would bring them to show her later on in the day! She looked at me and her eyes said it all, I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her, she drifted off to rest.

It was about sun-up and due to be shift change so I took a walk to get some fresh air assuring her I would return after a little while.