to be....

truly THANKFUL for what and whom you have in your life takes more than just one day a year, one day where you gather with your family & friends you have perhaps not seen since the last get-together, food feast or holiday that included a lot of hustle and bustle.

what happens the other 364 days of the year?  what happens when we travel a road less then desired by those who seem to always try and point us in the right direction?  what happens when you take the whindy road, one the causes you to travel at a pace that is a little, ok, a LOT slower than what we desire as we try to move along as fast as we can....for what?  the next big adventure, the next disrespectful encounter that seems to be mowed over so one does not have to admit "sole" responsibility?  at what point does it even matter anymore?  when do you take a firm stance and choose to shut out those who you want in your life but they apparently don't want to be there by their very selfish actions?   

as I write this from my heart, as I live this in my life and as I pray so hard it would/could & should be different, I can't make it happen!!  I will continue TO BE the person I am, the person I know who cares and the person I know makes a difference in everyone's life she comes in contact with.  It will be up to others to realize and want such a person TO BE in their lives.

if I die tommorrow, YOU WILL be the one with regret's not me if at all, for the way I have given and for the way you have taken and not received..

but mom......

..."I have to wear a red shirt today to school cux the fast bike is R E D red {as he spells it out}" as he is searching for a book to also take to school.  I question him on why he needs to take a book to school and his reply was "cuz miss valerie will read me the book and my cwass and den I get to be da line weader mama and be the first one on the 'fast bike' mama!" 

I wish I could remember when life was as simple as being the line leader, the first one on the play ground getting my pick of the 'fast bike' or dare say wish I was living with the simplicity of his young, untainted imagination!!

Oh to be YOUNG again....

a mom's job....

is NEVER done...

from a dear friends message, I quote "my little man is finally asleep. Thank god for the lullaby of the rain tonight. All you moms out there know what I mean when I say this, I wish I could absorb all the things that affect my kids in a negative way.... The colds, the boo boos, the fears, stress and pain. Just take it all on my shoulders and let them live a perfectly beautiful life"
this is also in the past week, this one while at work, in he middle of screaming at someone "are you stabbed or shot sir" what is your emergency? I hear a subtle "are you o.k. baby, what is wrong? I know, mama will see you in the morning...You want to go buy a surprise after I come get you? o.k. love you too, sweet dreams, o.k. good night, mama loves you more"

and with that, the phone call was done, hats switched as it does SO MANY times during a day/night!!  

you raise your children with the intention of being there for them always, being there for every little up/down, high/low and literally everything in between.  you raise your children with the notion that someday "you will understand" why I do this, why I tell you this, why it has to be this way....I will NEVER forget when my oldest came home from 3rd grade absolutely devastated, she was crying, in so much disbelief that her one little best friend told her she did not want to be friends any more.  She balled for hours, I could not comfort her it was so bad.  as a mother it was one of the toughest things I have ever had to endure to this point, I had no experience, this was my oldest daughter.  I wanted to RIP the hurt right out of her, I wanted to immediately call the other mom and tell her to scold her daughter for being mean to my little girl, it was so intense, I hurt right along with her, it was a deep, hoarse hurt that left your heart heavy and your chest heavier.  I had to explain to her that there was nothing wrong with her and that this little girl was the one who was going to have to earn 'your' friendship back and that she did nothing wrong.  the innocence of the child was "but I still want to be her friend right now mommy"  *sigh*

as much as you want to take it  ALL away and protect them from all that this evil world has to offer, you simple can't.  your job is to protect them, guide them, be there to wipe their skinned knees, their tears, be there to tell them 'it WILL be ok', be there to listen and to give them advice {they won't know that they will need till much later in life}  and through it all, the trials & triumphs, the broken & mended hearts, the scabs & stitches I can say all the joys of parenthood will come around two-fold -- your children WILL live a beautiful life and it will be because of you!!

the hardest part....

is letting go...

giving all of your faith

giving all of your trust

giving all your of heart

giving all of your confidence

giving all of your fears

giving all of your tears

giving your entire being

the hardest part...



of letting go is giving everything you've ever believed in and giving it to one human soul for the rest of YOUR lives!!

lessons learned...

...it was THE worst feeling a parent could have, a lost child.  you drill safety into your children, you tell them that strangers are dangerous and will take them away from you yet when they are in trouble and lost, you want them to seek assistance from someone near them.

we happen to be out of town at a function that was outdoors where hundreds of people present.  David decides he wants to play on some bounce house attractions they had for the children to play on.  daddy darrow buys him tickets and he is a 'happy little boy' going from one to the other in full stride.

this one particular one is very large and is an obstacle course of sorts with two starting points.  David attempts to climb on the left side and falls, bounces off the {bottom} pad and lands on the ground with his elbow breaking his fall, he looks at me with an embarrassing look yet determined to win this fight!  he succeeds, as he always seems to do, and continues his way through the rest of the course.  we arrive at the exit to see a child come out that had started at the same time as David but on the right side, I quickly tell daddy darrow to go to the other side as David might come out there and be upset someone was not waiting for him, daddy darrow proceeds to the other side of the spaceship bounce house.

I stand in waiting for a few minutes and NO ONE is coming out of this left side, I get a quick thought that maybe he is out already and he is with daddy darrow and they will be walking up anytime now, not wanting to move just in case I stand my ground.  time goes by, 2 extremely long minutes and I now know something is wrong.  do I stay here, go to the other side, grab the attendant to go look for him, scream his name, about to have a full panic attack I see out of my left eye 2 police officers walking up with David whom has the most terrified look in his eyes I have EVER seen and hope to not see again anytime soon.  he was shoeless, wearing socks only and 2 huge crocodile tears he was trying to hold back until he saw me as I quickly knelt down to grab him up, yet not too fast as to scare him.  he tells me "i not find you mama, where were you?  I tell him "I was waiting right here for you baby" the officer told me he had made it almost two full vendor rows over, probably making his way to the fire truck that was parked a few rows back from the landing strip.  I'm thinking he was going to them since he KNOWS 'they help people' when they need help!

I had to stay calm as to not freak him out yet let him know he was a brave boy and that he did a good job in finding help.  I asked him what he told the officer and he said he told them "I can't find my mommy" and he said they told him we will help you find her.  we made our way over to daddy darrow on the other side and reunited everyone and took a break from the bounce houses...

the rest of the day was uneventful although David stayed close by and wanted to try the other 2 bounce houses that he had not gotten into, one was a little larger w/same entrance and exit which he came out of pretty fast and said "I don't like that one mama, that one will lose me" and we trotted off to the smaller one he liked much better but was obviously still shaken as he came to the mesh and checked on "me" frequently...

it is hard to believe this is something you know every parent will experience yet something that is the most fearful thing you will experience as a parent!!