disbelief and the reality..

I swear every step we took once we left the elevator seemed as it was the length of a football field, I can’t tell you how we made it to the parking lot or how I got to our parents’ house. My girls were already there as well as a majority of our family and friends who had come from the hospital as well as those who had heard wanted to come and see what they could do & lend their support. We had a few people come by the house in utter shock as they had stopped by the hospital to visit/see us and were told my sister had past, can you imagine their shock when they came out to the house, YES I can! We were raised in a small town and we had lived in the same house for nearly 30 years now, so to say the least it’s a place that had welcomed a few people over the years.

The afternoon quickly turned into evening, most of the friends had gone home, a few family members hung around making sure we were all ok for the night, the girls had gone home with their dad’s mother who had gone to the hospital and then came to the house after hearing the news, she wanted to make sure the girls were ok and I was most appreciative as I was going to obviously be staying with my parents and my sister tonight at their house. My mom was a “zombie” that is the best way to describe her state, my dad was busy, he was not/could not sit still, my sister and I were cleaning up and making sure our parents were settling in for the night as the 4 of us then sat and discussed that we would definitely take a drive to Merced first thing tomorrow morning to see the baby and make sure his needs were now met and he was taken care of, I was excited to meet him for the first time, we now had to hurry and grieve and focus on this new little life, we had to make sure we focused on him and got him home. WAIT, his mom just died, how will he handle this, what is going to happen to him? Panic was setting in for sure!

Our parents went to bed, we tucked them in and made our way to the living room to sit and "veg" for just a moment, we sat in silence and before we knew it was almost 2 a.m., it had only been a couple of hours now and we both said we should really get some sleep, we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow and before we knew it our dad came into the living room, quietly and kissed us each on the forehead and covered us with our favorite blankets we used as little girls staying up all night as if we were having a sleep over.

My sister and had I sat and reminisced about our childhood and our youngest sister who had just passed and as sudden and tragic as it was we laughed just as much as we cried. I married right out of high school and I was off and all about living my own life, I had a huge responsibility of caring for my two youngest sister's pretty much all my life as well as my grandmother {my senior year of high school} who had passed years prior to cancer just 3 months after her diagnosis, so for me to really 'know' & be connected to my family was something that had been absent in my life for a few years, this was going to be a definite reconnect but one I would have preferred to have happened in a much different light!

My sister talked a lot about her and Tanya and the shenanigan's they would get into and the trouble they were constantly dodging, the parties they attended and the fun they had on the road trips that they took from time to time also how she knew Tanya was not going to finish high school and was down on herself for not being more involved with her `growing up` than she was worried about having a good time and partying herself. I told her, she was in that "teenage/graduated" stage and it should have been about her, she should have been finding herself, within reason of course and that Tanya was also coming to a stage where she was also needing to figure out her life and what her life plan was, what she wanted to do, needed to do and get on track by finishing school or securing a job. I looked at my sister and I cried, I balled, she asked what was wrong, what did she say to upset me so much, I told her there was nothing she said, it was me and how horrible I felt that I do NOT have those memories, I had no "fun" stories, she stopped me with huge tears in her eyes and looked at me and said but "YOU got to put the band-aids on her cuts and scrapes" you got to comfort her in her pain, you got to hold her when she did not feel good!" We both sat and I think at that moment had cried ourselves to sleep and that is where our dad found us.

funnybone....

it was a busy day, when is it NOT a busy day in this household that we operate and live in?!  I was coming upstairs to bring up some clothes when I heard it as I rounded the corner and entered my bedroom, down the hall, on the opposite end of the house,  the sweetest and deepest belly laugh I had never heard before. I thought it may have been one of the boys in David's room playing with him as I had put a movie on as he asked so he could watch it while we got ready to leave the house for "errand" day as David got to stay home from school today. 

I snuck down the hall, peeked in and saw him lying on his stomach, crossed legs, arms up and palms holding his chin up, he was alone in his room and TOTALLY laughing at a scene on the movie!  I was excited and had not heard him laugh on his own to a movie before, a sign I take that he is getting older ): and he is gaining his "own" person I guess, I can't explain it other than it was the cutest thing as it gave me a 'sad mommy feeling of joy' then all afternoon he was replaying the scenes and phrases...SO adorable (: 

the decision

My dad had stopped near a huge window in the waiting room, it had a decent view of outside, it was a hospital view but non the less it brought in a little sunshine into a dark room.  I stood by his side for a few minutes and said to him "I'm taking the baby dad" he looked at me and shook his head then turned away and wiped his eyes and replied to me "I know, we will discuss all this later". 
A few family/friends had come over to us, I hugged my dad and I walked back into the family room to check on the girl's and my mom, my sister was still praying I'm assuming with Eugene.  Eugene you ask?  when my sister and I had gone down to the chapel earlier in the morning we kind of got locked in, they were painting the outside walls and not looking before they blocked/taped off the door to the chapel, we had a hard time getting out.  Eugene was the one who un-taped the doorway and made a sliver of an exit for us, saw that we were upset and asked if there was anything he could do, my sister immediately told him "please pray for our family" Eugene was ready and offered at that very moment, my sister declined and said we would be back.  To this day I'm not sure if she found Eugene or not but knew she was down at the chapel for sometime before she came back up to the family room.

I went into the family room to find my mom laying back down, my girl's had left and went to the waiting room to visit with family that was more than willing to comfort them and support them since non of us knew what was going on.  I knelt down and caressed my mom's face, she opened her eyes and she greeted me with "how are you sweetie?" I told her I was fine, I was, I felt great, I felt like we were making head-way on what needed to be done and we were going to fix this, fix her and she would be able to raise her son as she had talked non stop about for 8 months, I knew this I felt this but the reality was more apparent and I told my mom "we have to say goodbye, we have to let her go" she sat up, she did not cry, she grabbed my face, my hands and said "I know".  My dad had come back in the family room bringing my girl's with him, my sister followed shortly, it was mid afternoon now and we knew the nurse would be back out shortly and as we expected, the doors opened and she came out with papers and clipboard in hand.  The 6 of us were all sitting together in the family room, while our family and friends were respectful enough to let us have some time, the nurse looked at my dad and explained the DNR paperwork that she had for him and my mom to sign.  She began to explain to us that she was not responding well to the antibiotics and during the course of late last night & up to now her body, her organs were beginning to shut down and they feared when they began the blood transfusion that she may not be strong enough to complete the process, no one said a word, we all sat still like good students getting instruction for our daily lesson.  She then explained how the DNR would work and that if something happened and she took a turn for the worse they would not take measures to save her life, my mom put her hands over her face and cried, my girl's held one another and my sister and I sat arm and arm, my dad then stood up and said "this is what we want, we don't want her to suffer anymore, we need to do this for her, she put up a good fight, she has been beyond brave!" the nurse hugged my dad and said "I understand, please trust me, you are doing the right thing in making this decision for your daughter" my dad then took the clipboard and signed where he was instructed. 
She told us she would allow all of us to go see her before they started the procedure and that it would be a few hours before we would be allowed back into see her, we all began to discuss who would go in first and what we would tell her, we truly believe she had been listening to us this entire time anyway, this would be the one visit with her that ``really`` counted when just then, the doors to the ICU unit flew open, huge heavy double doors, the nurse assistant looked past us to our head nurse and said, her heart rate is dropping fast, she is going NOW.....I can't tell you how 6 of us fit through that family room doorway but we did and with 2 or 3 other family members from the waiting room we all rushed into her room just in time, well, we had hoped, the nurses seemed to be in slow motion yet they seemed to have been turned off and moving some of the machines away from her bed, she had passed as we all entered the ICU unit, she had taken her last breath, her soul was now, finally, going to rest in peace!

It was moments later,  I turned around and the only ones left in her room were me and my daughter, she was across the bed and I was hugging the ventilator, I had it up to my ear listening to her breath, I thought to myself how can she really be gone, she looks so beautiful lying there, I noticed they had taped her eyes closed and then I lost it, my daughter was pleading for her to come back, my cousin was behind me holding me up.  I turned and asked her where everyone had gone, she told me my folks left the hospital, my youngest daughter, my sister and her husband had all gone back to the waiting room.  I can not tell you how long we were in her room after the Dr called her time of death on 09/01/2006 @ 1532 hours but I can tell you I was NOT letting go of that ventilator, it symbolized her and I was not ready to let her go!
The nurse came in and told me she needed my parents to sign some documents and extended her deepest apologies for our loss and how truly sorry and heart broken she was, I thanked her for all she had done especially making my parents feel so comfortable about the DNR process.  She then asked with respect that they start to clean the room and prepare her body to be taken away, my sister came back into the room at that time, my cousin followed m daughter out and my sister and I stood there in total and utter complete shock that our youngest sibling was lying in front of us, a new mother, a proud mother, a proud woman who had come so far in her young life and had huge accomplishments only to now enjoy none of them, that thought was extremely overwhelming for us both, I mean this was NOT seen or expected by any of us!
With one of us on each side of her, holding her hands, I kissed her forehead one more time as did my sister we whispered that we loved her so very much and removed the tape from her eyes so we could say good-bye then we slowly left the room.  We entered the elevator and rode it at least 4 times up and down, up and down, up and down I, we could not bring ourselves to get off, it meant we would be leaving her here, she would never be coming home, it meant she was really gone.

the cough...

I find it hard to {still} imagine what it is like to struggle for a breath, talk without having to cough or breath with the weight of a semi truck on your chest.

I should know this by now, I took care of my sister for years with this condition and now care for her son with the same ailments.  He is so brave, hospital stay after hospital stay he has the routine down, the `puffer` then Tylenol and then the "achine" when he can now tell me in his tiny voice "mama I can't breev."
It is bittersweet, I hate when he is sick but love the fact he is cuddles and sticks by my side "mama, I don't feel good, hold me pweese"

I still after 5 years struggle to accept the fact that he has such special needs yet he is the single bravest little soul and most energetic little boy I have ever known, I am truly blessed!

God Bless you my love,
Mommy
 

and on this 4th day...

My mom and my sister came into the room to join us, my girl's followed in a short time later.  The chaplain asked if we would like to say a prayer and we all agreed that would be a good idea, bring us all a little closer even though we were all standing in her small, cold, ICU room where she was now breathing only with the assistance of a ventilator as the Dr had explained to us, this will help her rest more comfortably and give her some relief in struggling so hard for one simple breath.
My sister and I left the room, arm in arm, our parents and my girl's had stayed in her room for a bit longer, I was worried about the 2 person max they have been heavily enforcing these last 4 days but today seemed as if it was not going to matter.

My sister and I had not had a lot of time to talk, we went downstairs to the hospital chapel, we closed the door and we cried, we laughed & we prayed, we prayed for our family and the very uncertain future that had come it seemed just over night.  We sat in silence for a time and then decided to make some phone calls and pondered some decisions that would need to be made, who would make them, our parents were in no condition what so ever to make any type of decision about their youngest daughter who was fine 1 week ago, giving birth to a baby boy, her first child and the first boy on our side of the family for 3 generations, what is going on here, I just don't understand!

My sister and I made it back to the waiting room where she was greeted by her husband and what seemed to be a full house of family and friends that had come to be with us in this time of uncertainty.  I made my way to the family room to find my mom resting, on a small row of chairs in between the arms, perfectly tucked away and as uncomfortable as it looked she was resting well, my youngest daughter was in the room with her, sitting quietly curdled up in a chair, I hugged her, kissed her forehead and left to go back into the room, as my dad was in the waiting room talking to my brother-in-law while my oldest daughter was in the room alone where I was headed.
I entered the room and stood at the threshold watching my daughter attempt to talk, interact with her aunt, touch her skin, held her hand as she looks at all the machines and monitors, I fought back my tears and stepped in. I asked if she was ok, she looked at me from across the bed and asked me with brave tears in her big brown eyes, "mom is aunt Tanya going to be ok?" I told her, honey, I don't know, things look really bad right now, she needs to stay strong and fight this and it hit me, THIS is what she meant the other night when she said she was tired, this is what she meant when she said she didn't want to do this anymore, she was needing me to tell her I was proud of her, of all she had done and that everything would be ok and it was ok that she was tired, she needed to know just how brave I knew she was and that I admired her!  Did I make it clear to her the one night when we had our talk, did she understand me, did she know that there is nothing in this world I would not do for her, what if it was too late now?

The nurses came in and needed to change over some of the machines and medications, they politely asked us to leave the room, we did and joined my mom and daughter in the family room where my dad and sister came when they saw us come through the doors. My mom woke up as we all sat in a little bit of silence, no one was sure what to say next but I knew this was going to bring the 6 of us closer together no matter what the outcome was.  The nurse that had been with Tanya the whole week came in and told us that she would need a signature to do another blood transfusion this afternoon as the one given last night was not working and she needed more blood, she let us know that they would be increasing her antibiotics and the infection she had was spreading.  I remember my dad moving closer to my mom, none of us had dry eyes at this point and my dad told the nurse "whatever we need to do we will do." 
The nurse looked at me, smiled and them looked back to my parents and said I need to talk to you folks and see if we can get a DNR signed for Tanya, the room was now more silent, my mom broke down, my sister ran out of the room and grabbed her husband on her way out and was in a frantic panic "I need to pray, I need to pray where is Eugene the painter", my girl's went to my mom's side and my dad and I stood up, the nurse {I still can't remember her name} looked at us as we approached the door and said I will give you folks awhile while I get the paperwork ready, I will prep her for the transfusion and be back in a little bit, my dad nodded and he left the room, I followed.