Determination + Passion = Success
no matter how many times we must try❤️
~ Me, Myself & this "I" know
1.22.2016
1.19.2016
Lucky in LOVE
he notices the stars and tells me they are beautiful
he looks for shooting stars and he makes his wish(es)
he says he loves me roughly 20 times a day
he makes me laugh and he makes me cry
he gives me life, how I wish I could bottle that energy
he makes me want to be a better person
he tells me I am the "bestest cooker ever!"
he gives me life, how I wish I could bottle that energy
he makes me want to be a better person
he tells me I am the "bestest cooker ever!"
he is definitely a "mamas boy!"
he has a disability he is very well aware of and an afffliction he has no clue he has
he tells me "you always wanted a boy like me huh mom?"
he tells me HE is lucky because I buy him games and buy him cool clothes
he tells me HE is lucky because I buy him games and buy him cool clothes
I question still who the lucky one REALLY is!!
my soul is tired...
...it may look like the journey has come to an end, that is SO not the case! 2 and 1/2 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, or 2 days, honestly it all runs together, I have no idea where that past 9 years have gone, I can literally replay almost every single second, yet I can't seem to recall where my car keys are on a daily basis.
...as you can tell it's been a huge sacrifice and one that I forcefully and willingly chose, and more often lately I am reminded just how much of a whim it was made on. It doesn't change the path of the journey or even the decision, it doesn't make it less stressful, and it surely doesn't make it more bearable, it just seems to remain stuck in this manageable mode!
Do I feel bad saying that? Not a chance (it may have taken me nearly 3 years to say that aloud) but still, it is the truth and sometimes as much as it hurts to admit the truth, it is also part of the healing needed for the soul, the heart and the daily grind that goes along with all the "stuff!"
I am confident and have embraced this as a (very long) process, it is real life and shenanigans do happen. Obstacles do come up, hurdles block you or just simply block and trip you up and since I am not a sprinter and have -0- upper body strength, they trip me a little more often, but that is ok, my knees are prone now-a-days.
I think I have been eternally praying for 9 years straight now and on most days (sad to say) convinced no one is listening, no one understands, and no one is willing to truly walk beside me. It is easier to feel bad, feel sorry, or worse yet, just avoid the whole situation all together. If that makes you feel better, then I can't fault you for that, I, on the other hand have to keep that swivel oiled as I have many faces I show each day and to those who know me, know that my soul is tired, it is exhausted, and simply run down!
...as you can tell it's been a huge sacrifice and one that I forcefully and willingly chose, and more often lately I am reminded just how much of a whim it was made on. It doesn't change the path of the journey or even the decision, it doesn't make it less stressful, and it surely doesn't make it more bearable, it just seems to remain stuck in this manageable mode!
Do I feel bad saying that? Not a chance (it may have taken me nearly 3 years to say that aloud) but still, it is the truth and sometimes as much as it hurts to admit the truth, it is also part of the healing needed for the soul, the heart and the daily grind that goes along with all the "stuff!"
I am confident and have embraced this as a (very long) process, it is real life and shenanigans do happen. Obstacles do come up, hurdles block you or just simply block and trip you up and since I am not a sprinter and have -0- upper body strength, they trip me a little more often, but that is ok, my knees are prone now-a-days.
I think I have been eternally praying for 9 years straight now and on most days (sad to say) convinced no one is listening, no one understands, and no one is willing to truly walk beside me. It is easier to feel bad, feel sorry, or worse yet, just avoid the whole situation all together. If that makes you feel better, then I can't fault you for that, I, on the other hand have to keep that swivel oiled as I have many faces I show each day and to those who know me, know that my soul is tired, it is exhausted, and simply run down!
1.07.2016
Happy New Year
I think that this should be my motto for this new year, 2016!
I mean, really you can't give nothing if there is nothing to give.. .. ..
You must love yourself before you can love others.. .. ..
Plain & Simple
12.30.2015
The Box and the Bio-Bag
The pain we hold onto when our loved ones pass it incredible, and I am not just talking about the "hurt" itself, I am talking about our presence in the living world! I know I have written my fears and my anxieties in the past and just when you think you get over them, (which I am convinced is not humanly possible) think you can finally live or deal with them, one comes out of nowhere and reminds you that this pain IS real and it is going nowhere anytime soon.
I was given a box of her treasures for her son shortly after her death, I went through it briefly and put it away, I didn't need to relive those memories at that very moment. I have slowly gone through the box a few times over the last 8 years, I have even added a few things as well as throwing a few things away (food items that were NOT going to last until her son was of age to understand what this was all about)..there was a heart shaped tin, of course that was adorned with Tony Stewart's face (as was most of her treasures as she was the ultimate fan) that keeps being moved around the box but never opened, god help me if there is actually any food items in it :/
My mom has been doing some major cleaning and feels that I need every single Christmas and Holiday ornament she has accumulated over the last, say 50 years along with her extensive collection of decorations, yeah me (insert sarcasm)! I guess she had a box of her stuff she wasn't ready to part with 8 years ago, which was absolutely understandable when you lose a child, this would equate to giving every last memory away and truly accepting she is gone and NOT coming back, I get it but still can NOT fathom it, especially being a mother myself.
I reluctantly took the box into my possession and set it on a shelf in the garage, I was actually more curious this time to see what they contents were. I was convinced I had all the treasures I needed to ensure her son knew who she was and what her likes and dislikes were throughout her short life! I was surprised at the emotions this box would truly reveal; the guest book from her funeral, the cards that were signed and sent on flowers that adorned her casket, sentimental pictures that were framed to celebrate her life, cards and poems that were written by her and others that were read at her service, and the one thing that absolutely took my breath away, took me to the moment I was forced away from her bedside when she had taken her last breath of life, a Bio-Bag, still sealed that held her ring that had been cut off just hours before she passed away!
WoW - I was NOT ready for that one, 8 years later and I can still say that it hurts the same as it did that first day/night I spent in the hospital by her side!
I am just not sure what to do with these keepsakes, I mean, does a little boy who had no real attachment to a mother who gave birth to him really want the ring that had to be cut off her finger, cards that people signed who mourned her death and pictures taken that celebrated her life, I mean won't my recollections and memories be good enough for him?!
I just don't know what to do with all this stuff in the "box" if I throw it out, I feel like I am throwing her away and any possible item that was last touched by her, throwing away any possibility of remembering a certain place or time that I had shared with her...
Maybe I should just wrap my heart in the "bio-bag" and pack it away for safe keeping!!
I was given a box of her treasures for her son shortly after her death, I went through it briefly and put it away, I didn't need to relive those memories at that very moment. I have slowly gone through the box a few times over the last 8 years, I have even added a few things as well as throwing a few things away (food items that were NOT going to last until her son was of age to understand what this was all about)..there was a heart shaped tin, of course that was adorned with Tony Stewart's face (as was most of her treasures as she was the ultimate fan) that keeps being moved around the box but never opened, god help me if there is actually any food items in it :/
My mom has been doing some major cleaning and feels that I need every single Christmas and Holiday ornament she has accumulated over the last, say 50 years along with her extensive collection of decorations, yeah me (insert sarcasm)! I guess she had a box of her stuff she wasn't ready to part with 8 years ago, which was absolutely understandable when you lose a child, this would equate to giving every last memory away and truly accepting she is gone and NOT coming back, I get it but still can NOT fathom it, especially being a mother myself.
I reluctantly took the box into my possession and set it on a shelf in the garage, I was actually more curious this time to see what they contents were. I was convinced I had all the treasures I needed to ensure her son knew who she was and what her likes and dislikes were throughout her short life! I was surprised at the emotions this box would truly reveal; the guest book from her funeral, the cards that were signed and sent on flowers that adorned her casket, sentimental pictures that were framed to celebrate her life, cards and poems that were written by her and others that were read at her service, and the one thing that absolutely took my breath away, took me to the moment I was forced away from her bedside when she had taken her last breath of life, a Bio-Bag, still sealed that held her ring that had been cut off just hours before she passed away!
WoW - I was NOT ready for that one, 8 years later and I can still say that it hurts the same as it did that first day/night I spent in the hospital by her side!
I am just not sure what to do with these keepsakes, I mean, does a little boy who had no real attachment to a mother who gave birth to him really want the ring that had to be cut off her finger, cards that people signed who mourned her death and pictures taken that celebrated her life, I mean won't my recollections and memories be good enough for him?!
I just don't know what to do with all this stuff in the "box" if I throw it out, I feel like I am throwing her away and any possible item that was last touched by her, throwing away any possibility of remembering a certain place or time that I had shared with her...
Maybe I should just wrap my heart in the "bio-bag" and pack it away for safe keeping!!
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