So it read.....

**2 year old post/draft** 
to read this prior to publishing it is a "thing" for sure {shoulder shrug} as well as picking up daily devotionals, again! HAPPY READING my friends...
 

"rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be consistent in prayer."

I guess it is fitting being that I am grasping onto what ever hope I can at this very moment, he and I had our first "riff" since he has been gone, nearly two full months now, so the only thing I know that is certain is that I have been extremely consistent in my prayers!
I have missed only but a couple of days in church and have been faithful with a devotional plan along with talking to God daily, most recently confessing all that I bare on my shoulders, I willingly give onto his....

Our expectations when we become derailed either move us forward into joy or they thrust us into worry and concern - Do I really want to believe that God is wanting us to learn a lesson from such trivial misunderstandings, I thought it was only super important, life critical lessons that he wanted us to learn and grow from, am I wrong? 
I believe I am .. how, I have no clue, I think that is all part of his grand plan as well! SO, I will continue to believe there is always a message that is bigger and better than the one I chose to receive during my derailment and instead of my immediate and sometimes "not so nice" reaction(s) I will make a conscious effort to give thought and purpose to such struggle(s). 

Downloading and being faithful in my daily readings have truly been a god send, no pun or innuendo intended - HONEST!! I have seemed to find (or they have been placed for my choosing) absolute perfect "plans" that have made this particular part of my journey exceptionally meaningful and has opened my eyes more than anything I can recall in a very, very long time.

Although I am saddened by the fact that in nearly two months I am going to bed without saying good night to my husband and our last conversation ended on a particularly bitter note, I take comfort in knowing that I have done what I can do and have made my mind and heart right with the derailment and I have no control over such circumstances to which I have been accused. To say we are living with a little bit of stress is a gross understatement! 
Good Night

I just can NOT even....

I have literally never felt so useless in my entire life, everything is literally falling apart around me! Honestly, my household appliances, my car, I fear, even thinking, let alone asking 

“WHAT ELSE?”

I feel like I am talking to deaf walls, things I say are not even remotely taken seriously, and I am going to scream the next time I hear “it will happen!” “it will all be ok…” O.K., cool, you let me know when ANY of this remotely troubles you just a fraction of how it is disturbing and affecting me!!  

"F" you social media!!

I am not afraid to admit it, I feel slighted, I feel left out and I feel like as if there is a whole other life being built without me – you say it’s simply without my body present, but both truth and reality, I am not there and you are starting new adventures, receiving well wishes, much deserved comments and posting more on social media than you have in the seven years I have known you – so, I won’t apologize for feeling like this has nothing to do with me at all.

By the time I get to your destination, the newness will have worn off, the well wishes will have stopped along with the thoughts that already exist of us being apart – it has and continues to be what “you” deserve and how brave others think you are and have been to make such a huge move, little do they know – and that is exactly it, they won’t know, ever the sacrifices I have made for us (in my eyes, and solely for you in your eyes).

I am very well aware of what you have at stake, the fact that you have to sit “in a box” without your family, you have a new job to do, acclimate to, and still, you think I should feel sorry for you, understand that you miss me when you have shown me nothing. I had to readjust my entire life, once again, to accommodate someone else, and got nothing in return (I hate that you made me think I was “owed” something) and triple-fold the responsibilities and most of which I have absolutely NO control over, literally, I am left in this house that is ALL yours, NOTHING about it is mine, yet I have full responsibility – tell me again how that is fair and I have not the slightest reason to feel as if I have been and will continue to be left out?! You have mentioned NOTHING about what I have offered and had to sacrifice nor the responsibilities that I now have…

The excitement I will have when and if I finally get to make the trip will have worn out their welcome in the eyes of your loyal followers and the tags, yeah, thanks, I like to see and hear from other people what you have posted and what you are talking about! Social Media, once again, the source of bad decisions and forever markers of what your life means to you and how others perceive you and how great are!!

You just don’t get it, you never will and the fact that I would have to bring it up to you – is proof enough that is doesn’t matter, it never will – you probably didn’t even notice I didn’t even attempt to make an effort this time. Me being overwhelmed wasn’t enough, the dynamics of this past week(s) weren’t even distantly close, it was all about you feeling like I was resenting you….that is just OUTSTANDING!

I went out of my way to make you feel like you took a little of me/us with you and extended a lot of surprises along the way, I am still looking for the slightest bit of anything that even resembles you missing me – 

February 23rd you say.....

I swear to you I picked up pen and paper, o.k., computer and thoughts and wrote just a few days ago!! LITERALLY where does the time go?
It has been quite uneventful if that helps explain the hiatus...10 months is a pretty lengthy time to have been absent {minded} and away from so much expression. 
I can guarantee that things are, have been in constant motion and I am convinced it is all for the best! Well, at least that is what my heart says at this very second, other than that, it is a daily struggle in regards to the "what's & why's" {insert confused face}.
I have always thought it..
I have always said it..
and now I will preach it..
GOD HAS A PLAN FOR US ALL and I think I may have figured out what his plan is for me/us. 
I promise to not keep you at bay for 10 months, so stay tuned for a HUGE announcement and buckle up for a journey of a lifetime 💛

my soul is tired...

...it may look like the journey has come to an end, that is SO not the case! 2 and 1/2 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, or 2 days, honestly it all runs together, I have no idea where that past 9 years have gone, I can literally replay almost every single second, yet I can't seem to recall where my car keys are on a daily basis.

...as you can tell it's been a huge sacrifice and one that I forcefully and willingly chose, and more often lately I am reminded just how much of a whim it was made on. It doesn't change the path of the journey or even the decision, it doesn't make it less stressful, and it surely doesn't make it more bearable, it just seems to remain stuck in this manageable mode!

Do I feel bad saying that? Not a chance (it may have taken me nearly 3 years to say that aloud) but still, it is the truth and sometimes as much as it hurts to admit the truth, it is also part of the healing needed for the soul, the heart and the daily grind that goes along with all the "stuff!"

I am confident and have embraced this as a (very long) process, it is real life and shenanigans do happen. Obstacles do come up, hurdles block you or just simply block and trip you up and since I am not a sprinter and have -0- upper body strength, they trip me a little more often, but that is ok, my knees are prone now-a-days.
I think I have been eternally praying for 9 years straight now and on most days (sad to say) convinced no one is listening, no one understands, and no one is willing to truly walk beside me. It is easier to feel bad, feel sorry, or worse yet, just avoid the whole situation all together. If that makes you feel better, then I can't fault you for that, I, on the other hand have to keep that swivel oiled as I have many faces I show each day and to those who know me, know that my soul is tired, it is exhausted, and simply run down!