Do YOU walk with God?

**WARNING** 2 year old post, YES, I am trying, yet again to become more and more "faithful" to myself and as I read this post, how appropriate it is to publish it today ~ Happy Reading!!
 

WELP! I did it, took the leap today and let me just tell you how good, GREAT it felt to walk back into a church (that didn't burn down).
I knew I was losing it, truly losing it, everything seemed beyond my control yet it was all happening right in front of my face and in lightening speed. I can honestly say that the day I got the phone call that my baby sister was leaving us, I have never experienced such pain and heartache than I have in the last two weeks! I proclaim to be one of the strongest people on earth, I have been through enough so I think, scratch that, I KNOW I am entitled. I will also tell you that I was in no way, shape or form prepared to do what I have done and will have to do for the next few months.
I was silently asking for help, because it is in NO way acceptable for me to ask for real, a curse maybe, safety net, for sure. I grew up in a traditional Catholic family, the events faded as my family grew, but the Sunday's at my grandparents was a for sure thing until my grandfather became ill and passed away my senior year of high school, this would be the first time I experienced death. Whether my parents shielded me from any of it in my younger years to this day, I was not sure, but this was the first of a long list of good-byes I would have to participate in.
I hold close to my heart, my grandfather's crucifix...
I have an engraved bible from a dear friend that knew I needed it more than I did...
I have always held family and childhood traditions close, like never using God's name in vein...
I have always felt and proved it today, at home in the house of the lord!!

Lucky in LOVE

he notices the stars and tells me they are beautiful

he looks for shooting stars and he makes his wish(es)

he says he loves me roughly 20 times a day

he makes me laugh and he makes me cry
he gives me life, how I wish I could bottle that energy
he makes me want to be a better person
he tells me I am the "bestest cooker ever!"

he is definitely a "mamas boy!"

he has a disability he is very well aware of and an afffliction he has no clue he has

he tells me "you always wanted a boy like me huh mom?"
he tells me HE is lucky because I buy him games and buy him cool clothes

I question still who the lucky one REALLY is!! 

my soul is tired...

...it may look like the journey has come to an end, that is SO not the case! 2 and 1/2 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, or 2 days, honestly it all runs together, I have no idea where that past 9 years have gone, I can literally replay almost every single second, yet I can't seem to recall where my car keys are on a daily basis.

...as you can tell it's been a huge sacrifice and one that I forcefully and willingly chose, and more often lately I am reminded just how much of a whim it was made on. It doesn't change the path of the journey or even the decision, it doesn't make it less stressful, and it surely doesn't make it more bearable, it just seems to remain stuck in this manageable mode!

Do I feel bad saying that? Not a chance (it may have taken me nearly 3 years to say that aloud) but still, it is the truth and sometimes as much as it hurts to admit the truth, it is also part of the healing needed for the soul, the heart and the daily grind that goes along with all the "stuff!"

I am confident and have embraced this as a (very long) process, it is real life and shenanigans do happen. Obstacles do come up, hurdles block you or just simply block and trip you up and since I am not a sprinter and have -0- upper body strength, they trip me a little more often, but that is ok, my knees are prone now-a-days.
I think I have been eternally praying for 9 years straight now and on most days (sad to say) convinced no one is listening, no one understands, and no one is willing to truly walk beside me. It is easier to feel bad, feel sorry, or worse yet, just avoid the whole situation all together. If that makes you feel better, then I can't fault you for that, I, on the other hand have to keep that swivel oiled as I have many faces I show each day and to those who know me, know that my soul is tired, it is exhausted, and simply run down!