We made it, Starbucks in hand, we arrived at the hospital and my daughter was extremely excited to meet David for the first time, she as well, had only seen the pictures and had not seen her aunt, only on what would come to be her death bed since she had the baby.
We got to the NICU, I checked in and the nurse informed me that my daughter would not be able to come in but she would be happy to open the window shades next to his islet, bring her a chair and she could participate that way with the feeding albeit through the window. My daughter was upset and cried, she understood, this was not the ideal thing either one of us thought would have happened. I proceeded to change and the nurse opened the shade for my daughter, she stood their the entire time and balled with the biggest smile on her face and to this day I don't think I've ever seen one any bigger!
I proceeded to the islet and woke him, unwrapped him from his tiny little blanket and man what a stretch he gave, I even heard a little peep, one that even turned the nurses heads. I brought him close to the window for a close up look and then I sat down in the recliner I had pushed closer to the corner window at the same time the nurse handed me the bottle which I swear I think he knew was coming, he seemed to be a little more active than he was at yesterday's visit. I sat and finished our feeding/bonding time and as the nurse came over to clean up a little and bring me more supplies, blankets, wipes and diapers, she told me "you can bring him clothes tomorrow when you come", I smiled big and held him close and tight for the last few minutes I had with him, for today anyway. Today I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay a little longer, actually a lot longer, I was needing to be close to her and knew through her son, my void would be filled!
We headed home and had smiles all the way, we arrived at my parents house and told them all about the visit. In my rush of excitement I made my way into his nursery and started to go through the clothes that had been all washed, folded and placed in their respective drawers and picked out a couple of cute onesies for my trip up tomorrow. I sat on the bed, and that was the kicker, I could not control my emotions, I started to cry, I balled, I whaled, I tried to keep it in, I tried to be quiet, but I was not successful at all and soon my mom, dad and sister were at the doorway and by my side. My daughter was outside and told my godmother "I can't go in there, I hear her cry in the shower all the time and it makes me sad, I don't like my mom to hurt this bad!" This I did not know for a few years after and to this day will still brings tears to my eyes, I SO thought I was safe in my sanctuary and NO ONE could hear me, I was wrong, this pain could not be concealed as easy as I thought it could be!
My dad said "since we are all in here, I got a call from the mortuary today and he body has been released, we need to go pick a plot and set a date/time for the services, keeping in mind that this coming Monday is a holiday" we all sat for a second and then discussed and agreed that the viewing would be held on that Friday and the services on that Saturday. WAIT, this can't happen, my sister's birthday is on Saturday, we CAN NOT do that to her, I think we all realized it at the same time, as she said "it is ok, it would be an honor for me to have her buried on my birthday" my mom lost it and my dad hugged my sister tight. We all left the room a second or two after one another and walked out of the house stone faced and in a definite somber mood than when we had gone in. We were greeted by family and friends, which there seemed to have been 'some'one always here, this proved to be a really good thing giving the circumstances.
My birthday was this coming Monday and I would be flying to New York on Tuesday, I had already made my mind up that I was not going, my dear friend Julie was tagging along and I knew she would keep my oldest company and I would not be missed, apparently this WAS a negotiable proposition I soon found out!
2.29.2012
2.27.2012
the talk
I woke up feeling pretty refreshed and ready to tackle my day. My oldest had to work and my youngest daughter asked if she could come with me today for my 3pm feeding and so she to could meet David for the first time, I of course was happy to have some company today. My oldest daughter asked "we are getting David, right mom?" I replied to her "yes, yes we are" she smiled, kissed me and gave me a huge hug, have a good day mom she said as she left out the door.
We started off and of course stopped by my parents house before we headed further up north. There were a few visitors at the house already, so I made my way to the shop to see my dad and then to the patio where I found my godmother and dear friend of my mom's. I asked where my mom was and they told me she and my sister were in the house, "your mom is having a bad day sweetie" they told me, so of course I made my way into the house to find them in the baby's nursery, sitting on the bed that had been setup for my sister to use as extra refuge when she had to feed or change the baby when they both came home, just another little reminder that she was not coming home and just how prepared they were, we all were, for her to bring home her first born child, her son and raise him to be a happy, healthy little boy.
I could not stand to be in the room so I walked to the kitchen and then made my way back out to the patio to find my dad out there as well, he asked me "your mom ok" and I simply shook my head `yes`. Both of us knowing good and well she was not, non of us were, it was just a formality at this point.
My mom and sister came out and joined us on the patio, my daughter went inside to eat something before we left and my dad said we need to talk about the baby. I told my parents I would be taking David, it was the only sensible choice at this time, his mother was dead, his father was proving to be absent even at this stage in the game, my sister had already made her decision clear and my mom had proposed that we all `share` him~they would keep him a month, my sister would keep him a month and then I would get him for a month~YES because that is logical! My mom's dear friend was still there and was very blunt in giving her opinion that this was not even an option, I told them I was willing to do this and in honor of his mother, this is what she wanted, this is what I truly believed she was asking me to do when she was on her death bed. My dad shook his head in acceptance as my mom gave me all her resistance, I was angree and knew as we all did this was about the only option we had and that in deed it would work out but I needed to hear it, I needed to know this was going to be what was going to happened, I needed something more than the uncertainty that was present, that had been present for the last week, the thought of losing him was just not my option!
My dad had asked me what my plans were for today and I told him I was going to go see David and I would be back for dinner, we were supposed to hear back from the mortuary today as well. My sister told me she would probably be going home tonight and would be back for the services, she needed to be with her family. We agreed, we all agreed we each needed some `alone` time since we had been going non stop and this next week would most likely be worse than what we had already been through if that was even possible and with that being said/suggested, I was off and running, 3pm feeding here I come!
We started off and of course stopped by my parents house before we headed further up north. There were a few visitors at the house already, so I made my way to the shop to see my dad and then to the patio where I found my godmother and dear friend of my mom's. I asked where my mom was and they told me she and my sister were in the house, "your mom is having a bad day sweetie" they told me, so of course I made my way into the house to find them in the baby's nursery, sitting on the bed that had been setup for my sister to use as extra refuge when she had to feed or change the baby when they both came home, just another little reminder that she was not coming home and just how prepared they were, we all were, for her to bring home her first born child, her son and raise him to be a happy, healthy little boy.
I could not stand to be in the room so I walked to the kitchen and then made my way back out to the patio to find my dad out there as well, he asked me "your mom ok" and I simply shook my head `yes`. Both of us knowing good and well she was not, non of us were, it was just a formality at this point.
My mom and sister came out and joined us on the patio, my daughter went inside to eat something before we left and my dad said we need to talk about the baby. I told my parents I would be taking David, it was the only sensible choice at this time, his mother was dead, his father was proving to be absent even at this stage in the game, my sister had already made her decision clear and my mom had proposed that we all `share` him~they would keep him a month, my sister would keep him a month and then I would get him for a month~YES because that is logical! My mom's dear friend was still there and was very blunt in giving her opinion that this was not even an option, I told them I was willing to do this and in honor of his mother, this is what she wanted, this is what I truly believed she was asking me to do when she was on her death bed. My dad shook his head in acceptance as my mom gave me all her resistance, I was angree and knew as we all did this was about the only option we had and that in deed it would work out but I needed to hear it, I needed to know this was going to be what was going to happened, I needed something more than the uncertainty that was present, that had been present for the last week, the thought of losing him was just not my option!
My dad had asked me what my plans were for today and I told him I was going to go see David and I would be back for dinner, we were supposed to hear back from the mortuary today as well. My sister told me she would probably be going home tonight and would be back for the services, she needed to be with her family. We agreed, we all agreed we each needed some `alone` time since we had been going non stop and this next week would most likely be worse than what we had already been through if that was even possible and with that being said/suggested, I was off and running, 3pm feeding here I come!
2.25.2012
my sanctuary
I got back to my parents house to find even more family and friends joining my parents in their respective 'spots' if you will and my godmother and sister in the kitchen warming some food. My girls had not ended up coming out so I made the decision to go home this night and sleep in my own bed, enjoy a nice long HOT shower and try to relax and not ponder too much of what has happened, my girls were excited I was coming home. This was a bittersweet decision as I was not prepared to leave my parents, how can they be alone in this house, did they want to be alone in this house? My sister and I talked about it and decided she would stay one more night and I would be ok to go home tonight.
I made my rounds and left for home, my appetite was less than so I decided if anything I would have something with the girls.
When I got home my dear friend Julie was with the girls and they decided it would be a good idea to go get a bite to eat at our 'fav' Mexican spot, I was hesitant but knew it would be good to get out. I had been away from my house for so long it was so nice to be home and lying in my own bed seemed almost foreign. The girls had come upstairs to lie on my bed with me while the phone seemed to have been ringing off the hook and as long as it was not my parents or my sister I declined all the calls, I needed a good shower and some quiet time with my daughters! I laid with the girls, they cried, we talked about my visit with David today, we talked about the services and we talked about the trip my oldest and I had planned for over 6 months ago, I was taking her to New York for her 18th birthday and her high school graduation, we were set to go in just 6 days.
I made my way to the shower and knew it would take everything I had to take one and get to bed, pure exhaustion was setting in so I was looking forward to some good, solid sleep tonight.
My youngest daughter wanted to come sit with me, my girls often did when I was in the shower, it was like "prime talk" time or something but this night I politely asked if I could shower in private, little did I know that the privacy would be my sanctuary and as vulnerable as you are in the shower, think about it, you are alone, it's quiet and your completely naked, what better time to let it all go besides no one can hear you with the water running, right?!?!?!
I started the water, got in the shower and I'm certain there were more tears flowing than there was water. I lost control over my tears and barely had control of my body, I was shaking and completely vulnerable to my emotions, they were raging, I fell to the shower floor and whaled for what seemed to be hours. Then, all the sudden they stopped, I composed myself and finished my shower, I had a sense of calm when I was done and now beyond exhausted, physically and most definitely emotionally, it was time for bed!
I checked on my daughters, kissed them good night and went to bed, pulling the covers over my head.
I made my rounds and left for home, my appetite was less than so I decided if anything I would have something with the girls.
When I got home my dear friend Julie was with the girls and they decided it would be a good idea to go get a bite to eat at our 'fav' Mexican spot, I was hesitant but knew it would be good to get out. I had been away from my house for so long it was so nice to be home and lying in my own bed seemed almost foreign. The girls had come upstairs to lie on my bed with me while the phone seemed to have been ringing off the hook and as long as it was not my parents or my sister I declined all the calls, I needed a good shower and some quiet time with my daughters! I laid with the girls, they cried, we talked about my visit with David today, we talked about the services and we talked about the trip my oldest and I had planned for over 6 months ago, I was taking her to New York for her 18th birthday and her high school graduation, we were set to go in just 6 days.
I made my way to the shower and knew it would take everything I had to take one and get to bed, pure exhaustion was setting in so I was looking forward to some good, solid sleep tonight.
My youngest daughter wanted to come sit with me, my girls often did when I was in the shower, it was like "prime talk" time or something but this night I politely asked if I could shower in private, little did I know that the privacy would be my sanctuary and as vulnerable as you are in the shower, think about it, you are alone, it's quiet and your completely naked, what better time to let it all go besides no one can hear you with the water running, right?!?!?!
I started the water, got in the shower and I'm certain there were more tears flowing than there was water. I lost control over my tears and barely had control of my body, I was shaking and completely vulnerable to my emotions, they were raging, I fell to the shower floor and whaled for what seemed to be hours. Then, all the sudden they stopped, I composed myself and finished my shower, I had a sense of calm when I was done and now beyond exhausted, physically and most definitely emotionally, it was time for bed!
I checked on my daughters, kissed them good night and went to bed, pulling the covers over my head.
2.24.2012
"the norm"
This day was going to bring much joy and sorrow as it has become 'the norm'. We got the phone call from the funeral home,they had her body and they would be preforming the autopsy and we needed to come down to make proper burial arrangements. The 4 of us got ready, greeted a few friends that had come by already to bring us more food and we piled in the car for another "road trip", this one was local, it just seemed the norm that we had been on the `go` over this past week. We got the mortuary where we were greeted by the director and taken into her office, we all took a seat and she started with her condolences to our family, then we started the daunting task of picking a casket, wording her eulogy, what time we wanted services and where, etc... my mom broke down, my dad had been pacing the room and the director saw this was obviously not a normal planning, like they never generally are, its just this one came with more of a sudden tragedy than she has seen, YES, even being in her line of business.
We were making progress when the director was called out of the room, we were left to look at information cards to be given out at the services, I don't know what their proper name is, but non-the-less we picked the standard/general card and picked our verse when the director came back in the room, she sat down and said "good news, we may be able to have the services on Friday instead of Monday, they are back there now completing the autopsy now and I will know more this afternoon", my mom and dad seemed pleased we would not be waiting an additional week for the results or to have the burial services while my sister continued to looking at a catalog of caskets and I had a TOTAL freak out moment. I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut and then holding me down, I could not move as much as I felt like I needed to run out of her office, I had to take several deep breaths to just catch one single breath! The fact they had her in another room, in the same building we were sitting in and the fact they were dissecting her made me physically ill, I wanted to run and find her, sit with her through this awful procedure, hold her hand and tell her it would be ok, then as fast as it all came on, it went away, some water, tears and my dad's embrace later. She was dead, she was not here with us, her body was but not her soul. I was not going to be able to hold her hand anymore, I was not going to be able to tell her it was going to be ok, I can only took comfort in knowing she is not struggling or no longer in such awful pain.
there was nothing normal about what we were having to do...
After a couple of extremely long hours we left the mortuary and headed back home, I was going to head straight to Merced and my parents and sister would be staying at the house. My girls would not be coming down till evening so I headed up alone for what would now be my bonding time and daily feeding since my schedule only allowed me to fit in one feeding with everything else going on. The drive was nice and miss channel surfer listened to nothing the entire 40 minute drive to the hospital, stopping only when I got my destination only to sit in the parking lot and ball like I was 5 years old and had lost my favorite stuffed animal. I finally composed myself and wondering what my issue was, why was I SO damn afraid to go in alone? I put on my big girl panties and went on up to the NICU. There I was greeted by the head nurse who checked me in, I `suited up`, signed my proper visitation forms for the CPS worker and then she pointed in the dark corner and said "there he is, go ahead and wake him up and I will bring over his bottle, I'm preparing it for you now, tomorrow you get to do it yourself" I thought man, she is a stickler, he's not even mine, what is the deal lady!
I walked over to his islet and stared down at him sleeping so peaceful, he was SO tiny I was afraid to touch him let alone wake him when over came the nurse, the set his bottle on the counter, slid over a huge recliner chair and grabbed him with one hand, it seemed all at the same time. She then unwrapped him swiftly, hello, THIS woke him up, he was now squirming and moving trying to open his little eyes and then gagged over the tube that was inside his throat/mouth, I jumped forward and she said "he is fine he needs to get it adjusted and then he will be able to eat for you" she motioned me to sit in the chair, so of course I did, she reached over to hand him to me and said "open the gown you put on please, I want you to hold him skin to skin" he has not had human contact and he needs it, especially as a preemie. I felt very odd, again, he is not my child, but then remembered at the same time my sister telling me he needed stimuli and has missed the mother bonding, SO with my back to the rest of the room, I opened {bra still on} the front facing gown and positioned him in my arms, he nestled right in, my heart was beating out of my chest and I began to tube feed him as I was instructed, this would take nearly 45 minutes as I had to push the formula through a syringe at a snails pace so he would not choke.
The nurse came over to me and asked if another parent would be able to come into the room now, I looked at her funny and said of course, she replied "well, I was giving you some alone time with David and wanted to make sure you were comfortable" OK OK she is a saint in my book now, I wasn't even aware there was NO one else in the room and I was floored when she told me it had been almost an two hours now since I had begun his feeding. David had been done with his feeding and the bonding was I guess what we BOTH needed, I think I even closed my eyes for a second or two! I changed his diaper, wrapped him back up and dressed myself when another mother came into the room to feed her baby at it's 2 hour mark. She looked at me and just said "I'm sorry for your loss", I smiled, kissed David and whispered to him that I would see him tomorrow.
Quiet as a mouse and not a peep heard, the nurse said "we don't even know he is here!"
We were making progress when the director was called out of the room, we were left to look at information cards to be given out at the services, I don't know what their proper name is, but non-the-less we picked the standard/general card and picked our verse when the director came back in the room, she sat down and said "good news, we may be able to have the services on Friday instead of Monday, they are back there now completing the autopsy now and I will know more this afternoon", my mom and dad seemed pleased we would not be waiting an additional week for the results or to have the burial services while my sister continued to looking at a catalog of caskets and I had a TOTAL freak out moment. I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut and then holding me down, I could not move as much as I felt like I needed to run out of her office, I had to take several deep breaths to just catch one single breath! The fact they had her in another room, in the same building we were sitting in and the fact they were dissecting her made me physically ill, I wanted to run and find her, sit with her through this awful procedure, hold her hand and tell her it would be ok, then as fast as it all came on, it went away, some water, tears and my dad's embrace later. She was dead, she was not here with us, her body was but not her soul. I was not going to be able to hold her hand anymore, I was not going to be able to tell her it was going to be ok, I can only took comfort in knowing she is not struggling or no longer in such awful pain.
there was nothing normal about what we were having to do...
After a couple of extremely long hours we left the mortuary and headed back home, I was going to head straight to Merced and my parents and sister would be staying at the house. My girls would not be coming down till evening so I headed up alone for what would now be my bonding time and daily feeding since my schedule only allowed me to fit in one feeding with everything else going on. The drive was nice and miss channel surfer listened to nothing the entire 40 minute drive to the hospital, stopping only when I got my destination only to sit in the parking lot and ball like I was 5 years old and had lost my favorite stuffed animal. I finally composed myself and wondering what my issue was, why was I SO damn afraid to go in alone? I put on my big girl panties and went on up to the NICU. There I was greeted by the head nurse who checked me in, I `suited up`, signed my proper visitation forms for the CPS worker and then she pointed in the dark corner and said "there he is, go ahead and wake him up and I will bring over his bottle, I'm preparing it for you now, tomorrow you get to do it yourself" I thought man, she is a stickler, he's not even mine, what is the deal lady!
I walked over to his islet and stared down at him sleeping so peaceful, he was SO tiny I was afraid to touch him let alone wake him when over came the nurse, the set his bottle on the counter, slid over a huge recliner chair and grabbed him with one hand, it seemed all at the same time. She then unwrapped him swiftly, hello, THIS woke him up, he was now squirming and moving trying to open his little eyes and then gagged over the tube that was inside his throat/mouth, I jumped forward and she said "he is fine he needs to get it adjusted and then he will be able to eat for you" she motioned me to sit in the chair, so of course I did, she reached over to hand him to me and said "open the gown you put on please, I want you to hold him skin to skin" he has not had human contact and he needs it, especially as a preemie. I felt very odd, again, he is not my child, but then remembered at the same time my sister telling me he needed stimuli and has missed the mother bonding, SO with my back to the rest of the room, I opened {bra still on} the front facing gown and positioned him in my arms, he nestled right in, my heart was beating out of my chest and I began to tube feed him as I was instructed, this would take nearly 45 minutes as I had to push the formula through a syringe at a snails pace so he would not choke.
The nurse came over to me and asked if another parent would be able to come into the room now, I looked at her funny and said of course, she replied "well, I was giving you some alone time with David and wanted to make sure you were comfortable" OK OK she is a saint in my book now, I wasn't even aware there was NO one else in the room and I was floored when she told me it had been almost an two hours now since I had begun his feeding. David had been done with his feeding and the bonding was I guess what we BOTH needed, I think I even closed my eyes for a second or two! I changed his diaper, wrapped him back up and dressed myself when another mother came into the room to feed her baby at it's 2 hour mark. She looked at me and just said "I'm sorry for your loss", I smiled, kissed David and whispered to him that I would see him tomorrow.
Quiet as a mouse and not a peep heard, the nurse said "we don't even know he is here!"
2.23.2012
oh what a day...
today is such a mom of a 5 year old and gramma babysitting day!!
Alarm off early, jump outta bed, hair up, quickly wipe off smeared mascara, brush teeth throw on a bra and double layer 2 holey t-shirts and comfy stretchy pants, commando of course don't judge me...
Mini pancakes it is for breakfast, even managed to pour myself a cup of 'joe' that would surely be needed to get me through the day.
time to dress the 5 year old crime fighter was simultaneously was playing his iTouch phone superman game, amazing, but he is slowed long enough to dress him as the 1 year old is corraled, diapered changed and now we are ready to bo "bye-bye", I forgot my hips would extend that far as to hold 20 extra pounds.
5 year old delivered and 1 year old is now ready to nap, nose wiped and milk administered then SUCCESS!
I don't know what to do with myself, I am alone in a house that usually has so muh activity one can't hear oneself think a single thought...
Shhhhhhhhhhh, it's quite time~please read in silence to support the cause!!
Alarm off early, jump outta bed, hair up, quickly wipe off smeared mascara, brush teeth throw on a bra and double layer 2 holey t-shirts and comfy stretchy pants, commando of course don't judge me...
Mini pancakes it is for breakfast, even managed to pour myself a cup of 'joe' that would surely be needed to get me through the day.
time to dress the 5 year old crime fighter was simultaneously was playing his iTouch phone superman game, amazing, but he is slowed long enough to dress him as the 1 year old is corraled, diapered changed and now we are ready to bo "bye-bye", I forgot my hips would extend that far as to hold 20 extra pounds.
5 year old delivered and 1 year old is now ready to nap, nose wiped and milk administered then SUCCESS!
I don't know what to do with myself, I am alone in a house that usually has so muh activity one can't hear oneself think a single thought...
Shhhhhhhhhhh, it's quite time~please read in silence to support the cause!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)